Funny Out of Context D&D Quotes

[Celebrim]

There is a website getting some attention now for collecting people's funny out of context D&D quotes (here), where the humor I think mostly derived from how easily the player of an RPG can imagine such bizarre things came to be said. I found it funny, but it also stuck me that EnWorld posters, who generally represent Epic level RPG players, could probably do much better.

Though I'm a notoriously unfunny person, to start with, I'll post a few quotes from last nights session:

PC #2: "Oh crap, there is a barrel of salted eels in our inventory."
PC #1: "We've found the murderers, and they are us."

"The rats seem to think you are a god, and have arrived in answer to their prayers."

"The leopard says, "What do you think I am, some sort of performing animal?"

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad do you think it would be if I clinched the Reekmurk?"

"Could you cast mage armor on the boat?"

DM: "I couldn't see the person. It was dark. Not the sort of dark that you humans think is dark but is not, but the sort of dark that is really truly dark."
PC: "That's very important information. We better write that down."

PC #1: "Can I swoop down on the pirates and steal their flag?"
PC #2: "This isn't capture the flag. You won't win just because you take their flag from them."

 

[trentonjoe]

"Well, anyone, can TALK to plants....."

and

"We aren't out to save the world, we are out to save ourselves. From our selves."

 

[Nergal Pendragon]

"No! You may not coat him in spikes and use him as a morningstar!"

 

[salvaterra]

"You may find that it is just an ox, but he is a very gentle ox. And very nice too. And its our only hope."

Higdim, The Possible Fighter negotiating an ox.

 

[salvaterra]

"Stop flirting with the weasels already!"

Cartimandua, Druid.

 

[Gradine]

"I didn't know there was going to be dungeons in this game!"

First time D&D player, on why he didn't put points in Knowledge Dungeoneering.

 

[salvaterra]

"The thief sneaks into the completely dark room and steal the amulet while you are sleeping. You see nothing, you hear nothing but get angry. You get so angry that you wake up and look at the silent darkness. It is as if the darkness could speak, and she said, 'you got screwed.' But as you saw nothing, you become calm again and goes back to sleep a peaceful sleep. The thief's name was Floriano and he is hidden in the Tomb of the Hanged Halfling, but you do not know anything about it and can not do anything. You are sleeping. It's terrible. You're dead now."

- Our new DM

 

[Umbran]

"The Flaming Cheese Wheel of Death merely smoulders!"

"Do not eat the evil beef jerky!"

 

[Wystan]

I have to give some lead up to this...
We are in a temple of an evil cult, I am playing a slightly insane Bard/Rogue
We have come upon a cell with a comely young lass in it

My first comment is to look at her and say:

"Are you a virgin?"

 

[Cristian Andreu]

"It's quite alright. Go to sleep while I touch you all up" - Party's cleric trying to say he was going to cure their wound while sleeping.

"Don't worry, Fam the Weasel can cast a spell to help us out" - The mage had written Fam: Weasel (for "Familiar: Weasel") next to his name entry and the rest of the party though that's how he was called. He kept it.