[Humor/Spoilers] Return of the King as a bad D&D game?
- Thread starter Eridanis
- Start date
Robbert Raets
Explorer
Back-up Hobbit Player: "I knew you'd find me!!"
Dwarf Player: "Geesh, you guys wanna get a room or something?!"
Dwarf Player: "Geesh, you guys wanna get a room or something?!"
Ok, one of em is from Two Towers, but hey...
Gandalf: Pip, I need you to do me a favor. Go light that beacon.
Pippin: You want me to climb WHAT??? You do realize I have a -2 to strength, right?
...............
Theoden: Heh heh. I say, "Is that all you can conjure, Saruman?"
DM: Aragorn, you notice a crazed orc running towards the culvert with a torch in hand.
Aragorn: Dammit. I left my bow in the hornburg. Legolas, see if you can't bring that big guy down. He wouldn't be running straight towards the wall if he didn't know something we don't.
Legolas: Yeah, ok. I shoot the charging orc.
DM: Roll.
Legolas: *rolls* Cool. The first one hit, and the second is a threat!
DM: Roll to confirm.
Legolas: GOT 'EM! His AC is 23, right?
DM: Heh heh. He is running and has a +4 AC against ranged weapons. Your second hit isn't a critical. Roll damage.
Legolas: Aww shucks. 16 points.
DM: You see the crazed orc thrash in pain as two arrows stick in him, but fail to bring him down. He keeps running towards the culvert and jumps headlong when he's five feet from it. The deeping wall explodes in a shower of rock and mortar. *roll roll* You see elves go flying, and much of the rock lands on top of the attacking orc army. Everybody make DC 20 balance checks to keep your feet.
Theoden: I thought you said we wern't using the renesance gunpowder rules!
Gandalf: Pip, I need you to do me a favor. Go light that beacon.
Pippin: You want me to climb WHAT??? You do realize I have a -2 to strength, right?
...............
Theoden: Heh heh. I say, "Is that all you can conjure, Saruman?"
DM: Aragorn, you notice a crazed orc running towards the culvert with a torch in hand.
Aragorn: Dammit. I left my bow in the hornburg. Legolas, see if you can't bring that big guy down. He wouldn't be running straight towards the wall if he didn't know something we don't.
Legolas: Yeah, ok. I shoot the charging orc.
DM: Roll.
Legolas: *rolls* Cool. The first one hit, and the second is a threat!
DM: Roll to confirm.
Legolas: GOT 'EM! His AC is 23, right?
DM: Heh heh. He is running and has a +4 AC against ranged weapons. Your second hit isn't a critical. Roll damage.
Legolas: Aww shucks. 16 points.
DM: You see the crazed orc thrash in pain as two arrows stick in him, but fail to bring him down. He keeps running towards the culvert and jumps headlong when he's five feet from it. The deeping wall explodes in a shower of rock and mortar. *roll roll* You see elves go flying, and much of the rock lands on top of the attacking orc army. Everybody make DC 20 balance checks to keep your feet.
Theoden: I thought you said we wern't using the renesance gunpowder rules!
Last edited:
MarauderX
Explorer
guessing about the cut-scenes:
Gandalf Player: So... we win, is Saruman still in his tower?
DM: Yes.
GP: Ok, let's get him outta there, but DON'T harm the tower, ok guys??
Others: Yeah, yeah, you get all the magic loot, we know, it could be dangerous like that orb Pippin found. Can't we have something?
GP: I'll make you a sword or sumptin later, once we get XP, ok?
Others: Are you sure Saruman is out of spells? He has been up there just resting this entire time, he has got to be recharged with some nasty tricks by now.
GP: Nah, he's spent. We toss him out of the tower.
DM: Saruman flops out of the tower, disgraced. His once pure white robes are now muddied and soiled gray. Wormtongue follows him, wimpering.
Others: That's it?!? No traps to disarm? No magic-fight? Nothing??
GP: Yeah, now where is Saruman's spell book, I want that spell where he controls the weather and stuff. Gimme gimme gimme.
DM: His spellbook is strangely missing, and he doesn't seem to have it with him either. As a matter of fact, the whole tower is empty of any items of significance.
All: What?? Nothing?? What a rip off! It's not like Sauron was carrying any treasure on his eye-body for us to take! And the evil super knight just crumpled up into nothingness when he was slain! What's the deal?!?
DM: I told you it's a low-magic setting, didn't I?
Aragorn Player: Well, I got a magic sword, and have a kingdom to run now...
Others: That's because you are married to the DM! And you only got to marry Eowyn because she is an NPC!
Aragorn Player: I thought it was fair...
Sam Player: That's it, I'm outta here. Sam gets married, settles down, produces some kids and farms. I'm outta this group.
Pippin & Merry Players: Don't even bother, I'm just leaving.
GP: I agree, what a rip-off, but I like my character a lot. Can we just play in a different setting?
Frodo Player: Hey, wait for me, I wanna come!
DM: Fine, you take a big ship with a bunch of elves to some other land... let's call it... Forgotten Realms, and your characters will have to change their names just like the witness protection program... Gandalf, you will now be known as... Elmin-
GP: No. Not FR. Anything but FR. And put him in charge of something, like Aragorn.
DM: Ok, Gandalf is now head of the school of magic...
GP: ...cool...
DM: ...and is known as Prof. Dumbledore, where he-
GP: No. I want to be at least quasi-evil so I can take people's stuff.
DM: Ok, his new name is Raistlin, and he once fought for control of the whole of Kryn-
GP: On second thought, I think I might DM for a while...
Frodo Player: Thank you. Wasn't looking forward to Frodo's "translations"...
Gandalf Player: So... we win, is Saruman still in his tower?
DM: Yes.
GP: Ok, let's get him outta there, but DON'T harm the tower, ok guys??
Others: Yeah, yeah, you get all the magic loot, we know, it could be dangerous like that orb Pippin found. Can't we have something?
GP: I'll make you a sword or sumptin later, once we get XP, ok?
Others: Are you sure Saruman is out of spells? He has been up there just resting this entire time, he has got to be recharged with some nasty tricks by now.
GP: Nah, he's spent. We toss him out of the tower.
DM: Saruman flops out of the tower, disgraced. His once pure white robes are now muddied and soiled gray. Wormtongue follows him, wimpering.
Others: That's it?!? No traps to disarm? No magic-fight? Nothing??
GP: Yeah, now where is Saruman's spell book, I want that spell where he controls the weather and stuff. Gimme gimme gimme.
DM: His spellbook is strangely missing, and he doesn't seem to have it with him either. As a matter of fact, the whole tower is empty of any items of significance.
All: What?? Nothing?? What a rip off! It's not like Sauron was carrying any treasure on his eye-body for us to take! And the evil super knight just crumpled up into nothingness when he was slain! What's the deal?!?
DM: I told you it's a low-magic setting, didn't I?
Aragorn Player: Well, I got a magic sword, and have a kingdom to run now...
Others: That's because you are married to the DM! And you only got to marry Eowyn because she is an NPC!
Aragorn Player: I thought it was fair...
Sam Player: That's it, I'm outta here. Sam gets married, settles down, produces some kids and farms. I'm outta this group.
Pippin & Merry Players: Don't even bother, I'm just leaving.
GP: I agree, what a rip-off, but I like my character a lot. Can we just play in a different setting?
Frodo Player: Hey, wait for me, I wanna come!
DM: Fine, you take a big ship with a bunch of elves to some other land... let's call it... Forgotten Realms, and your characters will have to change their names just like the witness protection program... Gandalf, you will now be known as... Elmin-
GP: No. Not FR. Anything but FR. And put him in charge of something, like Aragorn.
DM: Ok, Gandalf is now head of the school of magic...
GP: ...cool...
DM: ...and is known as Prof. Dumbledore, where he-
GP: No. I want to be at least quasi-evil so I can take people's stuff.
DM: Ok, his new name is Raistlin, and he once fought for control of the whole of Kryn-
GP: On second thought, I think I might DM for a while...
Frodo Player: Thank you. Wasn't looking forward to Frodo's "translations"...
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