[Humor/Spoilers] Return of the King as a bad D&D game?

[ControlFreak]

GM: Ok .. make a Reflex save, DC 23
Player2: (rolls an 18) sigh .. I would have made it if I didn't have to carry all this stuff! (glares at player1)
GM: The rock under you gives way and you slide down towards the Black Gate. (rolls behind screen) 2 Haradrim seem to notice and head your way
Player2: I try to hide behind something
GM: Sorry, you are half buried in gravel. You can't move anywhere to hide.
Player1: Can I get to him before the soldiers?
GM: You'll have to make a balance check, DC 35 to make it to him in time without falling
Player1: (rolls a 12) I make it easily
Player2: Let's see you make a balance check carrying all these Lembas rations!
Player1: Hey .. you're the one who insisted on bringing pots and pans!
GM: I'm not sure what you've gained .. now the soldiers will surely see you in about 2 seconds
Player1: I use the Cloak of Lothlorien to cover us both so the soldiers won't see us
GM: Hmm .. ok .. tell you what. You make a Hide roll DC 40 and Player2 needs the same roll, but he gets a bonus from your cloak.
Players roll .. both successes
GM: (rolls behind screen) The Haradrim walk about 6 inches from where you are hiding, but they seem oblivious to your presence. You guys luck out again! They shrug and head to the Black Gate.
Player2: That's it! You start carrying all this stuff. I'm not buying that "I have the heavy magic item" crap anymore!

 

[WayneLigon]

GM: OK, you're in the White City and you see all these guys running like hell from Osgippht -- the city on the river, and they're being chased by the Black Rider guys.
Gandalf's Player: Holy Crap, umm ummm...
Pippin's Player: I shoot an arrow.
DM: They're like a mile away, idiot.
Pippin's Player: I still wanna shoot an arrow. I took a level in Fighter and I want to at least use it.
Gandalf's Player: Um, we're screwed, I'm outta spells for the day.
DM: What?
Gandalf's Player: I'm outta spells. I didn't sleep last night and I rode all the way here and did that sneaking around...
Pippin's Player: Oh, great, Mister Wizard here has, what? Gimme that? Here, use that.
Galdalf's Player: *looks at sheet, looks at PP* You're crazy.
Pippin's Player: It'll work, trust me.
Gandalf's Player: I charge out of the city, right at the onrushing survivors and the Black Riders.
DM: OK, we're gonna go over this whole suicide complex you seem to h--
Gandalf's Player: It'll work! Really!
DM: Jeez, OK, what do you do? You're tough but you know that, dude, five Black Riders are gonna make mincemeat outta you?
Pippin's Player: Let him finish.
Gandalf's Player: OK, I got this concentration bonus, and I roll.. 20, so I can cast on horseback... I throw an Extended Enlarged Empowered Daylight spell on the specters, I mean Black Riders.
GM: SH**! They run.
Players: AWRIGHT!

 

[WayneLigon]

DM: OK, Aragon, Gimli and Legolas go off into the mountains--
Eowyn's Player: Wait. Wait, no. I won't have a better time than this.
DM: What?
Aragorn's Player: Yeah, what?
Eowyn's Player: Eowyn goes up to Aragorn and tells him she loves him.
Aragorn's Player: Too bad.
Eowyn's Player: (Dangerously low) What?
Aragorn's Player: I said 'Too bad', I've got the hots for the elf; I told you this, like, back at the horse people place.
Eowyn's Player: You SOB! I knew it! I knew it when I saw him give you that necklace thing last week!
Legolas' Player: (spits Coke all over his character sheet)
Aragorn's Player: Whoa, Nelly! I did not say..
Eowyn's Player: Yes, you just did! You said you had the hots for the elf! He's an elf and he gave you the necklace thing. I heard him.
DM: Actually, he--
Eowyn's Player: (Rounding on DM) Oh, you shut up! You got me to play this thing because you said it was [sarcastic Cartman voice] all romantic and stuff /sarcastic Cartman voice]. I've been trying to get in Aragorn's shorts for five sessions now and now you tell me?!
Aragorn's Player: You want my shorts?
Gimli's Player: *passes out from laughing.*
Aragorn's Player: I said Arwen. Not Eowyn, Arwen.
Eowyn's Player: 'wyn', 'wen' whatever, I'm going home.
DM: I have the car...
Eowyn's Player: Not after tonight you don't.
DM: Hon!
Eowyn's Player: Don't 'Hon' me! You said 'romance'.
DM: Yeah, but not for you.
Eowyn's Player: Those words will come back to haunt you...

 

[Dark Jezter]

DM: OK, Aragon, Gimli and Legolas go off into the mountains--
Eowyn's Player: Wait. Wait, no. I won't have a better time than this.
DM: What?
Aragorn's Player: Yeah, what?
Eowyn's Player: Eowyn goes up to Aragorn and tells him she loves him.
Aragorn's Player: Too bad.
Eowyn's Player: (Dangerously low) What?
Aragorn's Player: I said 'Too bad', I've got the hots for the elf; I told you this, like, back at the horse people place.
Eowyn's Player: You SOB! I knew it! I knew it when I saw him give you that necklace thing last week!
Legolas' Player: (spits Coke all over his character sheet)
Aragorn's Player: Whoa, Nelly! I did not say..
Eowyn's Player: Yes, you just did! You said you had the hots for the elf! He's an elf and he gave you the necklace thing. I heard him.
DM: Actually, he--
Eowyn's Player: (Rounding on DM) Oh, you shut up! You got me to play this thing because you said it was [sarcastic Cartman voice] all romantic and stuff /sarcastic Cartman voice]. I've been trying to get in Aragorn's shorts for five sessions now and now you tell me?!
Aragorn's Player: You want my shorts?
Gimli's Player: *passes out from laughing.*
Aragorn's Player: I said Arwen. Not Eowyn, Arwen.
Eowyn's Player: 'wyn', 'wen' whatever, I'm going home.
DM: I have the car...
Eowyn's Player: Not after tonight you don't.
DM: Hon!
Eowyn's Player: Don't 'Hon' me! You said 'romance'.
DM: Yeah, but not for you.
Eowyn's Player: Those words will come back to haunt you...

ROTFLMAO!

 

[Wolf72]

DM: okay ... we'll be playing epic tonight ... lets review our characters ..

Player1: I'm Aragorn ... Xlevel Ranger, Xlevel, Paladin ...

Player2: I'm a half-celestial elven ranger with a 38 dexterity ...

Player3: ...um I'm a dwarf ... um fighter, I kill things ... but with my 6 cha I don't say anything.


Player 4&5: um we can only play for a little while tonight ...

DM: fine, here you can play these hobbits ... I think they're about 7th lvl.


DM: poop! Frodo and Sam aren't going to be here ... well we'll just make up some melodramatic scenes for them while we take food breaks.

 

[Seonaid]

DM is reciting a long, poetic wrap up to the game, describing the celebrations of the men of Minas Tirith as they learn the Shadow is vanquished and Aragorn is crowned king of Gondor. A fall of petals descends, and Aragorn launches into a beautiful, baritone lament for the fallen and prayer for the future. Suddenly, a small voices interupts this intricatly prepared speech...

Player1:...XP...?

This is quality. There were some other funny posts to this thread, but this truly sums it all up. The game, the film, everything.

 

[FireLance]

DM: You finally arrive at the destination of your quest: the Crack of Doom in the heart of Mount Doom, the one place where the Ring can be destroyed. What do you do?

Player1: You know what, I'm sick of this. I've been pushed around by men, bitten by spiders, tormented by orcs, and I haven't earned one single miserable XP on this stupid adventure. I'm not going to destroy the Ring. I'm going to put it on and become the next Dark Lord.

DM: (thinking fast) Okay... you put on the ring... but, make a Spot check.

Player1: Huh? 19.

DM: You fail to see Gollum lurking in the shadows. He rushes at you, (roll, roll) beats your miss chance for being invisible, (roll, roll) succeeds at a melee touch attack to grab you and attempts to start a grapple. Make a grapple check.

Player1: Um... 12?

DM: (roll, roll) Sorry, he's now grappling you. Make an initiative check.

Player1: 14.

DM: (roll, roll) He beats your initative and attempts to grab the Ring from your finger. (roll, roll) A critical hit! Gollum bites off your finger with the Ring, releases you from the grapple and dances in glee at the edge of the Crack of Doom, (roll, roll) but he makes a bad Balance check and falls into the lava with the Ring. The Ring is destroyed! Middle Earth is saved!

(long silence)

Player1: Do I at least get XP for Gollum?

 

[KidCthulhu]

DM: So Denethor's just sent his only living son off on a suicide mission. An akward pause fills the throne room. You look around, and all those other flunky dudes seem to have snuck off during the argument. Denethor is munching down chicken and shows no signs of sharing.

Player 1: Dude, this sucks. I'm a halfling. If I don't eat every 2 hours, somebody's gonna get hurt.

DM: What are you going to do?

Player 1: I sing.

DM: You what?

Player 1: I put 5 points in Perform, and I'm damn well going to use them. I'll make Denethor so sad about his son, that he leaves the table. And then that chicken is mine.

DM: Why did you put points in... oh, nevermind Make me a Perform check.

Player 1: Natural 20. Cry like a girly for me, Steward guy.

DM: Your voice rings through the hall, a lament for the cruelty of fathers, and the bravery of sons. Listeners weep, but Denethor keeps eating.

Player 1: Weak.

 

[blargney the second]

DM: Why did you put points in... oh, nevermind Make me a Perform check.

It's obligatory for every character in the Lord of the Rings to have ranks in Perform. The movie got the shaft - it was supposed to be a musical!

Oh yes we both we both,
Reached for the ring the ring,
Oh yes we both reached for the ring!

-blarg

 

[Dark Jezter]

Player 1: I charge at the giant spider and attack.
Player 2: Are you nuts? You saw how easily that thing did in Frodo.
DM: *shrugs* Roll init.
Player 1: 17
DM: Shelob got 14. Roll attack.
Player 1: 20... 18... critical hit! I deal 14 damage.
DM: Okay, Shelob tries to bite you and sting you... 2... 1... okay, she missed both times.

*Five minutes later*

DM: You strike Shelob with yet another painful blow, and she retreats back into her cave.
Player 1: XP?
Player 2: How the hell did a 1st-level commoner beat a dire monsterous spider?!
Player 3: I smell loaded dice.