(humor) The REAL reason humans hate elves

[s/LaSH]

Well, I don't know about you people, but my beef against elves stems from the fact that they're tough, stringy, and don't taste very good, to boot.

Look, you're obviously not cooking them long enough. If you expect to fry elf up in about 30 minutes, you need a lot of heat and it won't get very tender. The best way to cook elf is over a period of about six days, at slightly above body temperature. That altered timescale has confounded many a chef.

Agreed about the taste, though. You need a good marinade - dwarf spirits are too strong, though; halfling sherries are about as subtle as you need.

Goblin... now there's a meat with no redeeming features whatsoever.



(Apologies to anyone incapacitated with disgust, but I just had to respond... it's a logical conclusion, after all.)

 

[Angcuru]

I mean, after all, imagine a modern world situation involving your daughter and teenage elves.
First, the teenaged elves, being elves and handsome and winsome and eldritch and smart and all, woo your daughter into an orgy that goes on all night....And so you, under their urging (and enchantment) agree to another party, tomorrow night ...

(They didn't enchant or charm your daughter, or your son. THEY are in on the plot, and supporting it fully.)

I KNEW IT! Elves are really nothing but immortal party-animals who just whip up some magic to make you think they're all serious and philisophical etc. etc.!!

But the real reason humans hate elves......ENVY. I think this is can be explained that elves have many centuries to become more and more skilled in certain areas, while humans have but a few decades. The one skill that this is most prevalent in: Bedroom Prowess.

*Modern-Day Elf Reads over a copy of the Kama Sutra*
Bah. I knew the guy who wrote this. He never got laid in his life. Y'see that guy in the pictures, that's his brother. I mean, look at this thing, it's only a hundred or so pages long! Look at this!
*Whips out huge leather-bound book entitled Elfa Sutra*
HAH! Fifty-Thousand Pages of Elfy goodness!

 

[Drakron]

Reason #3 why humans hate elves:

WOTC's official D&D and FR forums.

After reading a few posts by the elf worshippers that post there, you'll never want to play an elf again.

As Gez said ...

Oh, that is so true!

P.S.

A warning to people that like elves and still play then ... AVOID WotC AND FR FORUMS AT ALL COSTS, EXPECIALY THE FR AREA OF WotC FORUMS !!!

I liked elves ... until I start reading then.

 

[Umbran]

Okay, everyone here seen "Dumb and Dumber", or at least seen the commercial, in which Jim Carrey's character asks, "You wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? EHEEHHHHHHHHHEHHHHHHEHH!"

What they don't tell you is that high pitched sound is the noise an elven brain makes when the elf is "meditating" at night. And the only people who can hear it are dwarves.

That is why dwarves hate elves. I'm sure of it.

 

[NoOneofConsequence]

I KNEW IT! Elves are really nothing but immortal party-animals who just whip up some magic to make you think they're all serious and philisophical etc. etc.!!

But the real reason humans hate elves......ENVY. I think this is can be explained that elves have many centuries to become more and more skilled in certain areas, while humans have but a few decades. The one skill that this is most prevalent in: Bedroom Prowess.

*Modern-Day Elf Reads over a copy of the Kama Sutra*
Bah. I knew the guy who wrote this. He never got laid in his life. Y'see that guy in the pictures, that's his brother. I mean, look at this thing, it's only a hundred or so pages long! Look at this!
*Whips out huge leather-bound book entitled Elfa Sutra*
HAH! Fifty-Thousand Pages of Elfy goodness!

My sutra is bigger?

But seriously folks - humans hate elves not just because of their teenagers, but because their teenagers are that classic rich brat kind of teenager. They ponce about in clothes that cost more than most people's houses, whining about how the rest of us are killing the planet and aren't interested enough in ancient mytical philosophy and alternative lifestyles - THEN they trash your house with a three day drunken orgy, charm the police etc. Most humans could really get down to an elven revel, it's having the pretentious little gits get all high and mighty about nature afterward that's just insufferable.

Completely seriously though - Edena, I know you didn't want anything too serious on this thread but your comment about the average woman in the middle ages dying at thirty is a slight misrepresentation. The average lifespan was in the thirties, but that's because so many people died in infancy - it messes with averages that way. From the number of infant graves in the Roman catacombs, ancient historians estimate that 70% of all infants died before the age of two, and that's in Rome. By and large, if you made it past two, your chances were good that you'd make it to a similar age as modern humanity (war or overwork not withstanding). Apologies if this was too serious for the thread - if so reread the snide comments about elven teenagers at the start of the thread and ignore the rest.

 

[Jürgen Hubert]

(blatant plug)

The real reason for the low fertility rate of elves, as I have argued in my recent Pyramid article, is that they have magically created two species of pleasure slaves - namely, dryads and satyrs - that they are not fertile with.

Think about it - these two species are interested in sex all the time, but they don't form a strong emotional bond to any individual, so they won't be a burden to you later on.

Given that, having sex with other elves must seem rather bland.

And just why do you think do elves have this high resistance to charm spells?

You should read the full article:


Elves: A Case Study of Transhumanism in Fantasy Worlds


It explores the reasons just why elves are the way they are, and might help you figure out elven history and psychology in your own world.

(And if you haven't subscribed to Pyramid yet, go ahead and do so - it's fully worth $15 a year for the Suppressed Transmissions column alone. And don't forget to give me your referral bonus! )

 

[Edena_of_Neith]

My pardons, but I thought it was the nymphs the elves created as pleasure slaves, not the dryads.

My sources stated it was the nymphs. They are the ones so beautiful they blind or kill with their appearance.

Am I and my sources mistaken?

- - -

Uh ... concerning the Canon Elves of the D&D and FR Boards.
Teen-aged elves, all 70 years of it, are bad enough.
But consider what teen-age CANON elves (especially teen-age gold elves) are like, for a moment!

Teenagers are trouble enough.
Elven teenagers with 70 years of teenagehood are real trouble.
But a snotty, snooty, teenage elf with The Attitude from Hell, all 70 years of it ... that is the ultimate trouble.

So yes, stay away from the D&D and FR Boards at all costs. Or you may just run into one of those teen-aged Canon gold elves!

(I mean, in that Mighty Morphin Power Rangers show, what's his name asked for what's his name to find five Teenagers With Attitude. But I doubt he meant five Teenagers With THAT Attitude.)

 

[jonesy]

Dwarves, though, they're probably done with teenagerdom in about five minutes and then get on with being dour and grim and precise. Many dwarves probably pass through their teenage period in their sleep.

A five year old dwarf is more mature than any less than hundred year old elves.

 

[Jürgen Hubert]

My pardons, but I thought it was the nymphs the elves created as pleasure slaves, not the dryads.

My sources stated it was the nymphs. They are the ones so beautiful they blind or kill with their appearance.

Am I and my sources mistaken?

Well, sure, looks are important - but do you really want to have a lover who can blind you just because you are looking at her?

And from the nymph's description:

"Blinding Beauty (Su): This ability operates continuously, affecting all humanoids within 60 feet of the nymph. Those who look directly at the nymph must succeed at a Fortitude save (DC 15) or be blinded permanently as though by the blindness spell. The nymph can suppress or resume this ability as a free action."

Note that it says that she can suppress it, which implies a conscious effort. Better hope that she can concentrate on this while engaging in certain... uhm... activities. Many humans would certainly have troubles concentrating on anything else in such circumstances.

And then there's that "Unearthly Beauty" ability - don't get her mad, or you will die just because you are looking at her.

No, dryads are the safer lovers. And with 18 Charisma (as opposed to 19 Charisma for the nymph), they aren't ugly, either...

 

[Thresher]

Well, sure, looks are important - but do you really want to have a lover who can blind you just because you are looking at her?

As oppossed to the contempory ones that just take half your stuff and rob you blind?
I dunno, guess you get screwed either way eh