(humor) The REAL reason humans hate elves

[The Forsaken One]

/me grabs a pile of sticks and heads into the woods...

Time to put a stop to this... before it get's really out of hand.

 

[Edena_of_Neith]

Oh dear ... I forgot to mention something.

The reason Canon Elves are called Canon Elves, is just that.
Canon Elves, shoot off their mouths like canons.
The effect is about the same as a canon's blast. Noisy, painful, annoying, and irritating in the extreme. And sometimes quite destructive.

Fortunately for us all, I am not referring to Canon Elves for the most part in this thread (shivers at those Canon Elves. There are High Elves, Gray Elves, Wood Elves, Gold Elves, Silver Elves, Green Elves, Dark Elves, Snow Elves ... and BRRRRRR Canon Elves ...)

I am referring to your typical ordinary elf.
You know, the run of the mill kind of elf.

 

[Edena_of_Neith]

Yes, but you must understand something.
Have many non-elves ever looked upon Evermeet? Evereska? Celene? The Lendores? Silvanesti? Qualinesti?

Tell me they have! HA! You would be wrong. Few humans or others have ever witnessed the elven homelands.
Because those nymph pleasure slaves are always looking right back at the observer.

The wizard looks in his Crystal Ball for the elven homeland, there is the nymph looking back, and PRESTO! we have a blind wizard.
The cleric planeshifts to the elven homeland, and there is the nymph standing there, and CRACK! we have a blind cleric.
The poor fighter journeys and fights his (or her!) way to the elven homeland, the nymph (s) is standing there, and BANG! we have a blind fighter.
Even the clever rogue cannot hide, for when he sneaks up on the elven homeland, the nymph is sneaking up on him. THUNK! and we have a blind rogue.

Nay, only those who the elves desire to see the elven homelands ever do, and return to tell the tale.
So, those nymph pleasure slaves are more useful than is let on ...

 

[Gez]

Bwahahahahah! Is that their best defense ? Blindness ?

My hordes of grimlock will be safe for their invasion of the elven lands! Carnage, pillage, rape and torture, here we come!

 

[Jürgen Hubert]

Bwahahahahah! Is that their best defense ? Blindness ?

My hordes of grimlock will be safe for their invasion of the elven lands! Carnage, pillage, rape and torture, here we come!

Nymphs aren't the elves only defense - and far from their only one.

As my article details, they have created a whole bunch of slave species - to wit,

Assassin vines, centaurs, dryads, giant eagles, giant owls, pegasi, satyrs, sprites, treants, and unicorns - each of them formidable defenders of the forests in their own way.

And hey, it's no wonder that the elves are good at creating new species - after all, the elves are an artificially created species themselves!

 

[Blockader7]

When I was playing 2e, all anybody wanted to play was Elves. I was the only one who ever played anything else, usually human.

 

[drnuncheon]

If dwarves have a teenagehood, I was not aware of it.
Dwarves seem to skip the rebellion and uproar of teenagehood altogether.

Don't you believe it. Dwarven "teens" braid their beards backwards, wear baggy chainmail, deliberately hit the anvil out of rhythm with the other smiths, and hold their axes sideways because they think it makes them look 'cool'.

J
C'mon...where do you think the adventurers come from?

 

[jasper]

DUDES it not that elves have a low birth rate. It because elvish fathers are NOT kidding when they look at their teenagers and say "I could take you out. And then make another one look just like you!"

Come on after coming home for the hundreth time to find his Caddy and his clubs at the bottom of pool and being told nobody did it.
Boom!
Run dudes hey killed Kenny!

 

[Tidus4444]

Wait, is this what actually happened in Greyhawk, or is this just some fan thing?

 

[Angcuru]

Don't you believe it. Dwarven "teens" braid their beards backwards, wear baggy chainmail, deliberately hit the anvil out of rhythm with the other smiths, and hold their axes sideways because they think it makes them look 'cool'.

Then they go too far and start takin' swigs of elven wine as a sign of defiance, and start looking for babes....and then find that...THERE ARE NONE! *horror* *shock* *distress* *ect.*! Realizing that the ONLY way they will ever get laid is to become perfect upstanding citizens in the hopes that one of the few dwarven women will be set up with them in an arranged marriage. Sux to be them.