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I need quotes!


First Post
Hope one of these is good enough for you.

"What Would Yoda Do?"

"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife."
James H. Kabbler III.

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
Stephen King.

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
Woody Allen.

"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
Art Hoppe.

"My mother said to me, "If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope." Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso."
Pablo Picasso.

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
Woody Allen.

"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials."
Ronald Knox.

"Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends."
Woody Allen.

"As God once said, and I think rightly..."
Margaret Thatcher.

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
Fulton Sheen.

"If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences."
William Sunday.

"I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album."
Rita Rudner.

"Thank God I'm an atheist."
Luis Bunuel.

"The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted."
Brendan Behan.

"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."
Dave Thomas.

"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable."
HG Wells.

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"
George Deacon.

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
Woody Allen.

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Emo Philips.

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
Quentin Crisp.

"When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read."
Hillaire Belloc.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'."
Charlie Brown.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey.

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
Terry Pratchett.

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
Peter O'Toole.

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
Garrison Kielor.

"It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher."
Linda Evangelista.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey.

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."
George Burns.

"I would have made a good Pope."
Richard Nixon.

"I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night."
Woody Allen.

"God is love, but get it in writing."
Gypsy Rose Lee.

"I don't pray because I don't want to bore God."
Orson Welles.

"As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
Woody Allen.

"I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic."
Peter Ustinov.

"I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass."
Bob Davies.

"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
Spike Milligan.

"No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off."
Alan Bennett.

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
Joan Rivers.

"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable."
Mark Twain.

"To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour."
William Blake

"For passion, like crime, does not sit
well with the sure order and even course
of everyday life.

It welcomes every loosening of the social
fabric, every confusion and affliction
visited upon the world, for passion sees
in such disorder a vague hope of finding
advantage for itself."
Death in Venice

"Fear cannot touch me,
It can only taunt me, it cannot take me, just show me where to go.
I can either follow, or stay in my bed ...
I can hold on to the things that I know ....
The dead stay dead, they cannot walk.
The shadows are darkness,
And darkness cannot talk."
Christopher Rice 'Density of Souls'

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First Post
Here's the one I think would be best for a senior quote, it's from Macbeth:

That but this blow might be the be-all and the end-all here,
That here upon this bank and shoal of time I'll jump the life to come.

Another one of my favorites:

That so few now dare be eccentric marks the chief danger of the time.
-John Stuart Mill

If it wasn't already past my bedtime ;) I'd add many more, maybe tommorrow...

Noldor Elf

First Post
Couple of Fishisms

John: Are we a joke to the outside world?
Richard: The outside world just doesn't get the joke. Fishism

Richard: Men love any women they want to sleep with. Fishism

Richard: Make enough money, and everything else will follow. Quote me. That's a Fishism.

John: Let's not forget that Lizzie Borden was found innocent of killing her parents.
Fish: Oh, she did it; the jury just took pity on her for being an orphan

Richard: Let me tell you something. I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law; the law sucks. It's boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry? Yeah, we can do that.


First Post
"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."
- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)


"Well, shall we go?"
"Yes, let's go."

-Last lines of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot . They're followed by the stage direction, "They do not move."


First Post
E Plurbus Unum -- Used to find it printed on scraps of paper people would carry around.

Minimum wage....Yehaaw! -- They Might Be Giants

The greatest joy is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters. -- Gengis Khan

Everlasting Truth:
A b tch is a b tch is a b tch. -- Ernest Hemingway

The streets are dangerous at night. -- David Wayne Hankins

Look for something fast, and invisible. -- Lawrence Chiu

McPackaged Ancient Chinese Wisdom:
And knowing is half the battle. -- Flint

Wish in one hand and crap in the other, see which fills up first. -- Burgess Meridith, Grumpy Old Men


Princess of Florin
"640k ought to be enough RAM for anybody."--Bill Gates

If you don't like any of the suggestions in this thread, go to your local public library and look at Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. You're sure to find something in there.


First Post
J in MiB: "You know what the difference is between you and me. I make this look good."

From Tomb Raider
" To see the world in a grain of sand,
An eternity in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour."

From Willow:
"Forget all you know or think you know. Abandon power and forced decree. Inside where the deepest rivers flow, find the currents of eternity."


First Post
Kyramus said:
From Tomb Raider
" To see the world in a grain of sand,
An eternity in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour."

That's actually the beginning of William Blake's "Auguries of Innocence".


First Post
To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.
- Ambrose Bierce

You know what the Englishman's idea of compromise is? He says, some people say there is a God. Some people say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere between these two statements.
- W.B.Yeats

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

An apt and true reply was given to Alexander the Great by a pirate who had been seized. For when that king had asked the man what he meant by keeping hostile possession of the sea, he answered with bold pride. "What thou meanest by seizing the whole earth; but because I do it with a petty ship, I am called a robber, whilst thou who dost it with a great fleet art styled emperor."
- St. Augustine

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
- Jane Austen (1775-1817)

If you cry "forward", you must without fail make plain in what direction to go.
- Anton Chekhov

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
- Danish Proverb

A free life cannot acquire many possessions, because this is not easy to do without servility to mobs or monarchs...
- Epicurus (341-270 B.C.)

Kill no more pigeons than you can eat.
- Benjamin Franklin

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
- Charles de Gaulle

What do you take me for, an idiot?
- Charles de Gaulle, when asked if he was happy

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.
- Thomas Jefferson

Do not overestimate the decency of the human race.
- H. L. Mencken

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
- Galileo Galilei

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- Niels Bohr

Silence is argument carried out by other means.
- Che Guevara

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
- Will Rogers

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- Wernher Von Braun

And finally, a whole bunch from the Confucian Analects:

"Learning without thinking is fruitless; thinking without learning is perplexing."

Duke Ai asked: "What must we do to make the people obedient?"
Master Kong replied: "Promote the upright, place them above the crooked, and the people shall be obedient. Promote the crooked, place them above the upright, and the people shall be disobedient."

"Acting solely in pursuit of profit will incur much resentment."

"Those who err through self-restraint are rare indeed."

"He who loves courage and hates poverty will rebel; he who is inhumane and is hated excessively will also rebel."

"I have never seen anyone who loves virtue as much as he loves beautiful women."

"When the state possesses the Way, speak uprightly and act uprightly; when the state loses the Way, act uprightly, but speak modestly."

"The gentleman rests at ease in adversity; the small man, once reduced to adversity, becomes reckless."

"Be more demanding with yourself and less so with others and you shall keep resentment away."

"If, at forty, a man is still loathed, he is done for."

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"It matters not how strait the gait,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul."

- William E. Henley

You are beaten to earth? Well, what's that?
Come up with a smiling face.
It's nothing against you to fall down flat,
But to lie there, that's the disgrace.

- Edmund Vance Cooke


Liquid Awesome
Of all the pithy little bits of advice I've recieved over my life, none has been a greater asset than this snippet which is supposedly an old naval saying:

"Beg forgiveness, not permission."


First Post
Are you driving with your eyes open or you using the force?
--Eddie Murphy "Beverly Hills Cop 2"

In the beginning the universe was created, which has been widely regarded as a very bad move.
-- Douglas Adams "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Fall down eight times, get up nine.
-- Old Japanese Proverb

Also check out www.quotationspage.com


Been here a while...
Give a difficult job to a lazy man and he'll find an easier way to do it. -- don't remember who said that


Whether the glass is half-full or half-empty is irrelevant. Some things are better described by what they are, some by what they are not. All that matters is an accurate description. -- Chad Stevens


Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! -- Cassius (?), Shakespear's Julius Caesar


First Post
I've got a whole book at home of ones I've collected, but some of my favorites are:

richard bach

"Perspective: Use it or lose it. You are forgetting that what is going on around you is not reality. Think about that."

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."

"The simplest questions are the most profound.

Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?

Think about these once in awhile, and watch your answers change."

"You are never given a wish without being given
the power to make it true.

You may have to work for it, however."

"Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years."

lazarus long (Robert Heinlein)

Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Everybody lies about sex.

Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.

You live and learn. Or you don't live long.

Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.

If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people.

No state has the inherent right to survive through conscript troops and in the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: "Come back with your shield, or on it." Later on, this custom declined. So did Rome.

A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.

Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.

There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will know. So why fret about it?

A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. The may be the purpose of the universe.

Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one man. How's that again? I missed something.

Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million men. Let's play that over again, too. Who decides?

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid.)

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.

Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool.)

and my favorite...
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.


First Post
Well firstly, as a Spurs fan that Hoddle quote has me ROFLMAO...a few others really caught my attention.

There is a whole bunch of very quotable quotes on www.lspace.org, all from the Discworld books by Terry Pratchett. One of my favourite Pratchettisms is:

- "There have been...accidents."
- "What kind of accidents?"
- "The kind of accidents you prefer to call...accidents."

from Maskerade...actually once I started looking through the quote file http://www.lspace.org/books/pqf/index.html I quickly found that I liked most of them...take a look guys...

Douglas Adams, as noted above, is good for quotes too.

"Anything that happens, happens.
Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.
Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.

It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order though."

Douglas Adams

How about the classic quote from the Blues Brothers?

"It's 105 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Let's go."

More if I think of them...

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