D&D General I want to fire a player.

[AnotherGuy]

I love the player. We have been friends for literal decades. He brings creativity to the game.

But -- with that creativity he brings all kinds of problems. First of all, due to personal issues he randomly doesn't show up (we play VTT) but even worse when he doesn't the game is better.

He is slow with the VTT and always must build the most complex character possible so it's always a chore when his turn comes up.

It's so hard. Ugh.

I sympathise - not an easy mess to deal with.
Tell him his absences are not fair on you (as DM) and on the other players.
And explain to him the difficulty you have when he plays - time is precious and that he unnecessarily complicates, and delays matters. Perhaps as a suggestion run a less complex system RPG with him and the others on the side if your time permits.

 

[Imaculata]

I presume the whole group makes time to play D&D. They set aside other activities to play the game together. When one player just randomly doesn't show up, that forces a group to either cancel or play without that player. We all have other things we could have been doing that day.

This is something I'd make sure this player understands in an honest heart to heart. We all plan around D&D. Either get with the program or get out.

 

[Cruentus]

I and my group have the same problem (friend, playing for 40 years-ish), over VTT, but the problem is different - he’s not creative, is a spotlight hog, gets bored when the action ebbs a little then starts a fight wherever in game, drinks whiskey during the game which leads to late game surliness, moans about lack of magic items and power (even when he has them), argues with the DM, has to build the most maximized characters, etc., etc.

Now, we’ve known about this, obviously, but its reached the point where everyone in the group is identifying him as the problem and folks don’t want to spend valuable game time if they‘re not having fun. This player recently decided he didn’t want to play in the campaign we are in (I am playing, not DM’ing), and another player dropped with him, so they decided the campaign is done. We’re trying to figure out how to keep playing (down 2) or start a new game without the problematic player.

 

[Grendel_Khan]

This is probably an unrealistic suggestion, but if you really want to keep this player, maybe try a system where it's not really possible to make someone so mechanically complex? If D&D is a requirement maybe try OSE or DCC, or some other OSR thing?

If that works out, maybe you could point out to him that he was having fun (assuming he does) without diving into the depths of optimization, and also how much more streamlined sessions were, and use that to encourage him to lay off once/if you go back to more rules-heavy D&D iterations.

 

[Osgood]

Maybe I'm an outlier—or just a jerk—but I've had to "fire" probably eight or nine players over the past 30 odd years. Our core group of players was always a bit small, so were always felt like we needed one or two more, and often advertised for players (at the FLGS back in the day, later on message boards and websites). Sometimes those folks just weren't a good fit: Anything from disruptive or disrespectful behavior to reeking so strongly of cigarettes that it made people's eyes water and lingered for days.

It's never easy, but telling someone it's not working out after a few sessions is one thing, a break up after a couple of years and becoming friends is a lot harder. My advice is to talk with everyone--the player in question and the rest of the group--to see if there is a way to resolve the issues… or if not, at least make sure the rest of the group agrees with the decision. When you actually have that conversation with the player, focus on the issues rather than the person—it probably won’t help much in the moment, but it may be better in the long run. Finally, give it a bit of time, and then reach out to let them know you still want to be friends and hang out—but recognize that there’s a good chance that may not be possible, at least not for a while.

 

[Vaalingrade]

Anyone else find the term "firing a player" weird?

Super.

It's not as bad as when people talk about 'punishing' the players like they're kids, but the DM is neither the players' boss or their daddy.

 

[Oofta]

Assuming you've already explained some of the issues such as missing sessions, I don't think there is an easy way around this. The other "you have more fun when they aren't there" is a bit more nebulous, sometimes you can talk to the player and fix those kind of things and sometimes you can't. I've found in the past that sometimes people that are problematic simply don't understand the problems they are causing.

But at some point you just have to accept that this is a person you don't want to play the game with and be direct. Rip the band-aid off and as gently as possible let them know that they aren't being invited to the next campaign. Breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes it's best for everyone involved.

 

[Ralif Redhammer]

Making it a group decision helps you know you're making the right decision. Or alternately, the other players might not care at all. In a few cases, I've seen infractions severe enough that I've not even bothered to discuss and just canned the person.

I've almost always tried to be kind when I've had to give players the boot. Kind, but firm. People can put a lot of themselves into their gaming hobby and this can be traumatic. A lot of the time, no amount of kindness will salve that hurt, but it's also for me, to know that I did not do this out of malice or anger.

But for certain severe cases, I've always given a warning first. I talk about the good things they bring to the table, but explain 1- the specific behavior that needs to stop, 2 - if they need help, how to do so, and 3 - what will happen if they don't.

Once, with a longtime friend, I'll admit to soft-booting and just stopping inviting them rather than talking to them about the problem. I very strongly suspected that they were cheating and had been for years, but also strongly suspected that calling them out on it would damage, if not end, our friendship. One thing I've learned is that good friends do not always make for good players. I was no longer going to compromise the gaming experience at the table, but I also wasn't going to sacrifice a friendship for the game.

Maybe I'm an outlier—or just a jerk—but I've had to "fire" probably eight or nine players over the past 30 odd years. Our core group of players was always a bit small, so were always felt like we needed one or two more, and often advertised for players (at the FLGS back in the day, later on message boards and websites). Sometimes those folks just weren't a good fit: Anything from disruptive or disrespectful behavior to reeking so strongly of cigarettes that it made people's eyes water and lingered for days.

It's never easy, but telling someone it's not working out after a few sessions is one thing, a break up after a couple of years and becoming friends is a lot harder. My advice is to talk with everyone--the player in question and the rest of the group--to see if there is a way to resolve the issues… or if not, at least make sure the rest of the group agrees with the decision. When you actually have that conversation with the player, focus on the issues rather than the person—it probably won’t help much in the moment, but it may be better in the long run. Finally, give it a bit of time, and then reach out to let them know you still want to be friends and hang out—but recognize that there’s a good chance that may not be possible, at least not for a while.

 

[iserith]

If a problem persists even after discussing it, I have no qualms of parting ways with a player. For the most part, I also tend not to play with people who are involved in other aspects of my life which makes this easier. When I've done this, I make sure to tell the player why the decision was made so that they can use that information as they see fit. It's not fun, but it has the effect of increasing the fun for everyone once it's done, so it's for the good.

 

[Bluebell]

If you do want to talk to the player, one approach you could take is: "I notice you're struggling with this. Is there anything we can do to make it easier for you?" It's a little less confrontational and makes it clear that your friend is still a friend, and you're willing to work with them to try to find a solution. If he doesn't get it, of course, you can always get more up-front about how his behavior is actually causing problems for the whole group and it needs to change. But I always err on the side of letting people save face before turning it into a confrontation.

I lost a close friend due to his poor behavior at our table. I wasn't the DM at the time, but it was a unanimous decision in our group to no longer invite him to join us. It was a really painful decision, but if I had to go through it again, I would still make the same choice, because ultimately playing at a table together is about respect. If someone isn't respecting everyone else's time and energy, then they aren't really respecting you as a friend either.