I'm a bad DM

[jollyninja]

i think the core issue here is that when everyone agrees to do something a certian night, whatever it may be, with their friends and then does not follow through on that agreement it shows a lack of respect for the time and effort spent by their friends. Trying to come before a guy's girlfriend is probably not the way to go but him planning something with her on a night that he already had plans with his friends is a bit of a jerk hing to do, particularly if he doesn't tell you. It's a respect issue not an "everyting should come after the game" issue. the game is irrelivant, if a friend tells me he'll be somewhere and doesn't show, i get a bit miffed if the excuse is not something i would have blown him off for

from the perspective of a DM, I know that I sometimes play even if I really do not feel like it because I have told my six players that he game will happen on night X at time Y barring uncontrolable events of some kind. So when a player who has a lot less actual effort required of him will not do the same it can be a bit frustrating and I start to wonder why I bother. I can however see the perspective that if he doesn't want to be there he will probably bring the game down a bit but you know what? If you're in a crappy mood, show up, roll dice, go home, it might be that hanging with your friends for a few hours will help. If you are not emotionally mature enough to be able to control yourself then you really do not belong in my group of friends.

also, having a kid in my group might be considered a reasonable reason to ditch if it was born the day of the game, otherwise, you better be there (kidding but I had a player show up the day after just to get away from the hubub for a few hours ) and then only if it was your first born.

 

[Kae'Yoss]

i think the core issue here is that when everyone agrees to do something a certian night, whatever it may be, with their friends and then does not follow through on that agreement it shows a lack of respect for the time and effort spent by their friends.

Very well put and completely correcty, my Jolly Prairie Ninja!

I can however see the perspective that if he doesn't want to be there he will probably bring the game down a bit but you know what? If you're in a crappy mood, show up, roll dice, go home, it might be that hanging with your friends for a few hours will help.

You better bet the house on that. I mean, after a crappy day, there's nothing better than hang out with friends and vent your frustration on a buch of monsters (provided, of course, that treatments like "sensual massage by Jewel Staite" are not an option).

In fact, that should be an official must-criterion for potential fellow roleplayers: "Do you think that, after a bad day, killing monsters and taking their stuff together with these guys would make you feel better?" (whereas "are they Jewel Staite and good at giving sensual massages" is merely a nice optional criterion, since almost every roleplayer - even almost every human being - doesn't fulfil it. That would limit your potential gaming circle way too much) If you answer no, you shouldn't play with them even on good days.

 

[ken-ichi]

I have felt like I just didn't feel like playing a session a few times. I am a pretty introverted person and dealing with other people, even friends, can sometimes be extremely exhausting. I get slight depression now and then and I just don't feel like interacting with people.
Sometimes going a playing anyway shakes me out of my mental slump and I enjoy it and it greatly improves my mood.
Othertimes it doesn't help at all and I just don't enjoy the evening to no fault of anyone else. I feel kinda bad when that happens because I am pretty sure that I probably dragged down the game a bit.

I have commited to attending the game by joining the gaming group, so I make it a priority to attend. Our group knows this and is fine with us taking a day off of playing as long as we let them know. We just try and let everyone know as soon as possible.

We did have one player who started off playing pretty much every week, but due to stuff coming up in his life he started missing a few weeks here and there and the frequency grew to where he seldom made a game. We basically had to assume that he was not going to be theret. We talked with him and came to the conclusion that we still would like to play with him, but that he had some things to take care of first before he could attend the game regularily.

 

[Wasteland Knight]

i think the core issue here is that when everyone agrees to do something a certian night, whatever it may be, with their friends and then does not follow through on that agreement it shows a lack of respect for the time and effort spent by their friends.

But gaming isn't a one-time event, like seeing a movie or going to a game, it's an ongoing, regular commitment. At some point, other things in life are going to intersect with the scheduled game day. I think it shows a lack of respect only if it happens constantly and especially if no notice is given. If a player shows up the vast majority of the time then they deserve the respect of being able to occasionally place something else in life before a game without being viewed as having done something wrong.

It's a respect issue not an "everyting should come after the game" issue.

Doesn't this contradict what you said in the quote above? On one hand you say it's an issue of respect, and I agree completely. Not giving notice you'll be absent is very rude. But then you say "...when everyone agrees to do something a certian night, whatever it may be, with their friends and then does not follow through on that agreement it shows a lack of respect...", with which I don't agree. So which is it?

If a player calls/emails in advance and says "Sorry man, I just can't make it to the next game. I'll see you the game after next.", assuming this isn't happening every other week, is this player being disrespectful? In my view, not at all.

 

[Rothe]

Why? Because whenever people talk about problems as a player or a DM with friends who always blow off sessions and ask for advice I don't sugar coat it.
My way of thinking is screw the problem player. Well, problem person, as Fill in the Blank is too inconsiderate to even play. I understand serious things. Death in the family or significant family problems, illness and financial hardships making it impossible to attend, a forgotten major event or something far beyond the norm. My girlfriend wants to go to a lousy movie with me to commemorate our 38th day together isn't good enough. The haircut schedule isn't good enough. Legally Blonde 2 is on TBS isn't good enough. Not feeling like it but not formally dropping, NEVER good enough. The next piece of advice? Stop coddling the no shows. Stop giving out treasure, and gear, and XP. Its the only way most players will respond to you.

Quite a mixture of excuses/reasons. Bottom line to me is frequencey of not being able to attend, the reason might matter but I'm really not going to look behind it. I assume people are adults who don't need to explain themselves to me. Yet if a person is frequently absent, it's a signal they don't want to be doing it or just have really bad planning skills. I can understand this even though the contortions I go through to play twice a month are amazing between clearing space from family and work calendars.

But to the actual excuses...

My girlfriend wants to go to a lousy movie with me to commemorate our 38th day together isn't good enough.

Dude, I might smack you up side the head if you didn't go out with her. She's obviously really into you, get that young love romance while you can. Wanting to do something with your girlfriend, wife or kids, even if at the last minute and even if it crews the game, is always a good excuse IMHO.

The haircut schedule isn't good enough.

Well let us hope a conflicting schedule has not been set up. Frankly, I see this as part of one's job and career. Being well groomed has very important benefits in some professions, so keeping one's nicely haircut can be a big deal.

 

[Kae'Yoss]

Dude, I might smack you up side the head if you didn't go out with her. She's obviously really into you, get that young love romance while you can. Wanting to do something with your girlfriend, wife or kids, even if at the last minute and even if it crews the game, is always a good excuse IMHO.

Not in mine. Not always. Not nearly always. There are excuses that work (not enough quality time lately, this is the only chance, or so on), but just going out and forcing 5 other people to play another day because you're not willing to have a date another day (something that involves you and that other person) is rude.

Well let us hope a conflicting schedule has not been set up. Frankly, I see this as part of one's job and career. Being well groomed has very important benefits in some professions, so keeping one's nicely haircut can be a big deal.

How much does hair grow in a 24-hour period? If it's so important, I'm sure you plan this ahead. And if you do, you can plan ahead so you don't miss other scheduled events because of this.

I think it shows a lack of respect only if it happens constantly and especially if no notice is given.

Yes. That's the whole point. Well, most of the point: How often it happens, how far in advance he tells the others, and what the reasons are.

I can accept the occasional "dude, I'm burned out right now, I'll not be here next week". If it happens once a month, I'll ask him to go - it seems he doesn't enjoy playing, and others would like to play but there's no space for them. If he tells me 5 minutes before the game (or not at all), he'll get the Yellow Card.

I'll always understand emergencies - and depending on the urgency, I'll understand that he couldn't call us (if you have to rush after the ambulance where your wive is in, you don't call your buddies because of the game - or football match or whatever).

But if it's a last minute thing and it screws up the game, and it's not that compelling a reason, there will be Righteous Wrath.

 

[Merkuri]

I think if someone makes a reasonable effort to make it to the game day and gives notice when those reasonable efforts fail then that's fine. It's when no notice is given or when the player doesn't seem to be making a good enough effort that it starts to become rude. For example, if your girlfriend wants to go see a movie with you on game night you could suggest going the day before or the day after because you have a prior comittment on that night. If there is no other day that's good for the girlfriend then you've made a reasonable effort to change the date and you cannot be faulted for missing the game. If you do not bother suggesting another day, especially if there's no reason you can think of why said event has to happen on the same day as game day, then you're being rude to your fellow players.

If your girlfriend is up from college for the weekend, or a relative has flown in from out of the country then that's a perfectly good excuse to miss a game. It's when you could have moved an event to a different time but didn't that you become an ass.

 

[jollyninja]

Doesn't this contradict what you said in the quote above? On one hand you say it's an issue of respect, and I agree completely. Not giving notice you'll be absent is very rude. But then you say "...when everyone agrees to do something a certian night, whatever it may be, with their friends and then does not follow through on that agreement it shows a lack of respect...", with which I don't agree. So which is it?

If a player calls/emails in advance and says "Sorry man, I just can't make it to the next game. I'll see you the game after next.", assuming this isn't happening every other week, is this player being disrespectful? In my view, not at all.

I am not saying that missing a single game night is indicative of a lack of respect but to use one of the innitial examples of poor excuses, why is it that the 39th or 37th day anniversary of the beginning of the relationship could not be celebrated in stead of the 38th? I should have specified that the lack of respect only comes into play for me if it's a matter of scheduling things for game night that could easily be scheduled for another night. And if this is happening, weither it's once of a chronic problem, it irritates me.

I game on sunday nights, anything other then watching sunday night football can probably be done another time when you do not have 6 other people expecting you to be somewhere. For my group it's really the only night we can all get together but yes, life intrudes on the implimented timetable on occasion. most holiday weekends, we move it to the extra day off's night so that we can all attend various family functions on the sunday. I do not consider it a respect issue if a person misses a single night, or even repeated or consecutive nights for events that could not have been put off or moved up to a different night. However when one of my players calls me and tells me he will not be there because he is going to a movie with his girlfriend, I'm not impressed. not because it's a (gasp) female intruding on man time with my friend but because they could have done it a different night. unless they couldn't then whatever.