Looking for advice

[borringman]

Turn up your microphone sensitivity, and use a pitch shifter to lower your voice.

Oh my gosh, that's amazing. I think this is so hilariously stupid AND YET I can see this being incredibly effective.

I'd like to first hope that this group isn't that far gone though. Based on what OP said, I feel like they deserve a shot at maturity.

 

[marsfan2999]

OK, thank you for the clarification.

I guess (I can only guess, not being there) it's two things then. One, this sounds like a very botched "Session Zero", where expectations and character compatibility were not properly discussed. That's unfortunate but fixable, if the DM is willing to learn.

Second, I think a game environment can flip a switch in some people, make them very aggressive and self-centered, and they need to be told to settle down. Like, I've seen dads in pick-up soccer matches ignore their kid running around -- never getting to touch the ball -- until I suggest they involve the kid more. . . and they do! NOT saying you're a kid, my point is that switch can be turned off, shifting the mindset from competitive to collaborative. But it often does take someone to remind them.

Okay thank you! I definitely think my dm will be willing to try and include me more when I manage to tell him how I feel without him feeling attacked. We leveled up at the end of our last session and I messaged him to ask if he has time to chat tonight to take a look at my character together and choose feats that I will actually be able to use in his game. I will try to talk to him about wanting to be included a little more then.

 

[marsfan2999]

Besides the issues that earlier posters have addressed with maturity, courtesy, etc. I can offer this advice for online play:

Turn up your microphone sensitivity, and use a pitch shifter to lower your voice.

It's not ideal, but it might make you some headway with this group.

I think it would be really funny and throw them for a loop if I did that, as I know all of them irl and they know what my voice normally sounds like :'D

 

[MatthewJHanson]

Now he wants me to just quit the other campaign (and the one I dm for my brother and his friends too), in order to be solely focused on the pathfinder one.

This looks like a big red flag to me. You have every right to play in multiple campaigns, and your boyfriend should respect that. Quitting the other campaigns certainly would not make Pathfinder game more fun for you.

 

[borringman]

Yeah, just what sort of time commitment is demanded of players, especially if no one's getting said player involved?

A DM, sure, but what's there for a player to do all week, outside of sessions?

 

[billd91]

But it made my boyfriend pretty upset and I can understand why. He told me that he thinks me playing it multiple campaigns at the same time is disrespectful to L, him and the others. He thinks by playing in different games I automatically make one of them less enjoyable for myself and it's unfair to L who is putting a lot of work into his world. Now he wants me to just quit the other campaign (and the one I dm for my brother and his friends too), in order to be solely focused on the pathfinder one.

I'm with @MatthewJHanson on this one. This sounds like a BIG problem to me. Playing in other games is not in any way disrespectful to L.

But I love my other groups, I love the story and the characters and I look forward to these games, so I don't want to stop playing them.

I think you should NOT do so, not if you enjoy them. Nor should anyone be trying to get you to stop playing them unless you're actually letting important life activities (like eating, sleeping, paying the bills) slide and need to because of your health. If these weren't a problem before, they shouldn't be a problem now just because you're not enjoying the game with your boyfriend.

 

[aco175]

I recall a convention I went to a long time ago and playing at a table where one of the people decided he was the spokesman and told the DM all the things we were doing as a party. As soon as the encounter started, he was telling the DM that the fighter would go block off the hall and the wizard was going to cast X spell and the thief was going to shoot his bow from behind the fighter and the... I do not think he was a trying to be a jerk. I think he was playing the game the way he did with his group, but not understanding that everyone else wanted to play and not just try to win.

I was just a teen of about 14, but needed to speak up to the DM and this guy who were both about 30 at the time that my character was going to do something I wanted to do. I might not have been optimal or resulted in the most damage, but I was going to run him. The DM backed me up thankfully and the player caught on as the other players started to tell the DM what they wanted to do. It has been 30 years, but I have not forgotten it.

It might not be that the others are trying to ruin your fun, but just how they play. It should be easier with them being friends, except the DM who might not get that you want to play a different way.

 

[GuardianLurker]

More jumping on the bandwagon.

1) You've implied/I've inferred, that this is the first group you've played in with L and your boyfriend. And its also your first Pathfinder game. (I'm assuming its Pathfinder 2e, the current version.) Those can both be causes for dramatic changes in behavior. Pathfinder, in particular, has a very different culture surrounding it than 5e - it's much crunchier, and there seems to be a stronger combat-focus. You might just be running into that. But I don't think so.

2) Playing in other games isn't disrespectful to a GM at all (and I envy my players who get to do so). Assuming that the Game Nights don't conflict. And assuming that the two groups don't hate each other, with you stuck in the middle.

3) It sounds mostly like what you run into is what I call a "locker-room" game; when a gaming group is all a single characteristic, when a single player is NOT that, it causes friction. At the "nice" level its just because the expectations haven't adjusted yet. At the "not nice" level, you can have players hostile (in varying degrees) to making these adjustments.

Note I said single characteristic. While I personally have seen it be an issue in a male-v-female combination, I've heard of other situations, like straight-v-not straight [with both sides dominating]. I haven't heard of a female-v-male issue, but I'm assuming those happen as well (at least now, the hobby has historically been very... um... poorly-socialized-male heavy).

I also hear a few other "caution" flags, but I won't comment on those, because I'm just a stranger on the 'Net, and you specifically asked for comments on the Gaming front.

Since you've already said you'll be talking to L, and that is DEFINITELY the CORRECT first step, I'll close this out with a few subjects to address:

1) Bring up all the things you've discussed with us. Depending on his reaction, you'll probably have a good idea where to go/what to do next.

2) Assuming you get a positive and responsible reaction, talk about solutions. Some will have to come from L ("Hey X, pause it. Marsfan has something.", "So, Marsfan, you were saying something?"). But some will also have to from you ("Hey X, I wasn't finished yet." "Excuse me X, but ..."). It also sounds like you have some general table attitude problems. You, with L's backup (and enforcement) should probably address fairly soon.

 

[GuardianLurker]

Yeah, just what sort of time commitment is demanded of players, especially if no one's getting said player involved?

A DM, sure, but what's there for a player to do all week, outside of sessions?

Well, there's the "Blessed Notetaker". Those often summarize and post off-session. There are also a number of "Session Storyteller" players (which greatly overlap with the Blessed Notetaker). Occassionally, you get the "Grand Strategist" or "Optimizer Helper" who tries to reduce the session time spent on things that most people check out on.