Insult me bay-bee!

[reveal]

My character in Eberron is going to be an Elven Swashbuckler. I figured he could be really good at insulting people during combat. Well, I'm not good at coming up with insults. So does anyone have any insults that I can use during combat?

You can post them or point them out somewhere else online.

 

[drunkmoogle]

Well, I used this one and my players burst out laughing.

"Hm... seems you've drawn some blood... may I borrow one of the tissues you have stuffed down your bra?"

 

[ironmani]

"Well sir, I must thank you for the few moments distraction this fight will give me."
"Boy I was breaking young girls hearts while you were still breaking wind in your diaper."
"My life my be infinate, but my patience is not."

 

[cdsaint]

"I'd a been your daddy, but the carrion crawler beat me across the chasm!"

"Aint had a woman since a woman had him.... Whoops, didn't have one then. He was a midden-heap baby!"

My newest character is a goblin bard (in Eberron) who is an insult specialist. So I've been trying to find / remember really nasty insults... and clean them up for Eric's Grandma since the game is a PbP here on EN World. I'm having more luck with remembering them than cleaning them up. Also, my goblin may be cruder than you want your elf to be. I'm still working on one I like in particular, maybe someone here can fill in the blank in a way that would keep Grandma's everywhere happy.

" You *** belching gutter trollop!"

Hopefully I didn't cross any lines, if I did, let me know, I'll edit.

Chris

Edit: maybe mud would be appropriate in place of the stars above?
Next Edit: replaced possibly offensive word with less offensive one.

 

[Altamont Ravenard]

I haven't looked, but IIRC there were some funny ones in one of the Monkey Island games...

hehe here we go:

Every enemy I have met, I've annihilated
With your breath, I'm sure they all suffocated

You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee
I look that much like your fiancee?

Killing you would be justifiable homicide
Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide

You're the ugliest monster ever created
If you don't count all the ones you've dated

I'll skewer you like a sow at a buffet
when I'm done with you, you'll be a boneless filet

Would you like to be buried, or cremated?
With you around, I'd rather be fumigated

Coming face to face with me must leave you petrified
Is that your face? I thought it was your backside

When your father first saw you, he must have been mortified
At least mine can be identified

You can't match my witty repartee
I could, if you would use some breath spray

I have never seen such clumsy swordplay
You would have, but you were always running away

En Garde! Touche!
Oh, that is so cliche

Throughout the Caribbean, my great deeds are celebrated
Too bad they're all fabricated

I can't rest til' you've been exterminated
Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated

I'll leave you devastated, mutiliated, and perforated
Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated, and infuriated

Heaven preserve me! You look like something that's died!
The only wat you'll be preserved is in formaldehyde

I'll hound you night and day
Then be a good dog, Sit! Stay!

Captain Rottingham's Insults

My attacks have left entire islands depopulated
With your breath, I'm sure they all suffocated

You have the sex appeal of a shar-pei
I look that much like your fiancee?

Your looks would make pigs nauseated
If you don't count all the ones you dated

Nothing can stop me from blowing you away
I could, if you would use some breath spray

I have never lost a melee
You would have, but you were always running away

When I'm done, your body will be rotted and putrefeid
Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide

You'll find I'm dogged and relentless to my prey
Then be a good dog, sit! stay!

My skills with a sword are highly venerated
Too bad they're all fabricated

Never before have I faced someone so sissified
Is that your face? I thought it was you backside

I can't tell which of my traits have you the most intimidated
Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated, and infuriated

Your lips look like they belong on the catch of the day!
When I'm done with you, you'll be a boneless fillet!

Your stench would make an outhouse cleaner irritated!
Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.

Your mother wears a toupee!
Oh, that is so cliche!

 

[Thanee]

Cliche, yep: "Your mother was a <enter random weird monster here>!"

If it answers... "So?" you know you are in trouble, so it's doubly useful!

Bye
Thanee

 

[Hand of Evil]

You sir are ugly, simple too.

My sword may finish you but my wit killed you.

You call that a hat!

Luke, I am your father!

 

[Greyson]

Dungeon #294

There are two great articles in Dragon #294 discussing this very topic. They are called Words to Live by: Using Catchphrases to Distinguish Your PC and Adding Insult to Injury: Wisecracks Are No Joking Matter by Robin D. Laws. The former has dozens of lists of catchphrases by class and race you can use to make your PC's verbal commuication very unique. The second article discusses verbal barbs, with feats, that your PC can employ to really taunt his or her foes (and friends!).

Very cool articles. Check out Dragon #294.

 

[Zimri]

use mandarin/chinese. It worked for Joss whedon and firefly

 

[psyronin]

"I'm going to kill you and the horse you rode in on. Wait... that's no horse, that's your mother!"