carpedavid
First Post
As a first time participant in the Winter 2004 Iron DM contest (found here: http://www.enworld.org/forums/showthread.php?t=76873&page=1&pp=25) I found the entire experience to be both fun and challenging. Seeing one's work critiqued in that manner can be an eye-opening experience, especially when that criticism is nemmerlesque in nature 
However, I think much of the criticism was well founded and well reasoned, so I brought up the idea of revising some of the adventures using the criticism as a guideline, just to see what the result would be. There seemed to be some interest in it, so this thread is the result.
I've revised my final round losing entry. I'm very curious to see whether others would view these revisions as an improvement, and to see what other participants would do with some of their entries, given the chance.
The original entry can be seen here: http://www.enworld.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1387120&postcount=216
Nemmerle's judgment can be seen here: http://www.enworld.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1387406&postcount=217
And here is the revised entry:
Final Round - First Match-Up: Enkhidu vs. CarpeDavid
Ingredients
-----------------
The Edge of the World
Elven Ship
Blood Moon
Tarrasque Eggs
Fire Newts
Despair
When Elaliulu, the Lord of the Sea and creator of all, cast down his brother, Innulu, the Lord of Flame and devourer of all, he cleft the ocean in two and sent the defeated god's molten body hurtling into the abyss. A great mountain of smoke and fire marks the spot of the destroyer's prison, and it is as awesome to behold as it is terrible.
...
When the moon shines red once, the seeds of the devourer will be sown. When it runs red twice, Innulu's children will awaken, and the world will be no longer.
Beyond the Sea
An adventure for medium to high-level PCs.
Every few hundred years, on the Isle of Fire, a clutch of tarrasque eggs is created by the imprisoned sprit of the fire god Innulu, in an attempt to destroy the world. For as long as history has been recorded, the elven kingdom of Amalara has sent its armada to destroy the eggs before they have had a chance to hatch.
Fifty years ago, though, Amalara went to war with the dwarven kingdom of Ironhelm, and their armadas are currently engaged in battle with each other. King Kilithia of Amalara has no choice, then, but to turn to a group of adventurers to complete the epic journey instead.
This is a fairly straightforward adventure, with not much intrigue, but lots of opportunity for cinematic combat and problem solving. Ideally, the group should consist mostly of elves and humans, but it is possible to run it with a group comprised of mostly of dwarves (see hooks section, below).
Hooks
Depending on the racial composition, and/or political alliances, the PCs may be contacted by either the elven or dwarven rulers.
1. King Kilithia believes adamantly in the necessity of the journey to destroy the tarrasque eggs, and will give the PCs his own personal ship, the Siralumu for the duration of the journey. He will provide them with a crew, and can offer wealth and title if they return successfully.
2. If the PCs are dwarves, or aligned with the dwarven kingdom, they may be contacted by the king of Ironhelm (or someone in his court). He believes that the tarrasque eggs might be of use militarily, and wishes to assemble his own group of adventurers to retrieve them before the elves destroy them. The offer is much the same as that of the elven king: a boat (the Windrider), a crew, and lots of gold and land upon a successful return.
Regardless of which banner the PCs adventure under, the obstacles they face will be nearly identical, likely including having to face the other party.
NPCs
Macidus - captain of the Siralumu. Macidus is young, brash, and bold, having recently received his commission in the king's navy through political means (his father is a duke in the king's court). His inexperience leads him to sometimes take risks that his crew does not always approve of, but has thus far managed to avoid catastrophe. He believes in the necessity of the journey, and is willing to sacrifice himself and his crew to safeguard the rest of the world.
Roan - first mate of the Siralumu. He is wary of the captain, believing that his inexperience and risk taking endanger the crew and the mission. If things get rough, he is willing to seize power so that he can ensure that the mission is successful. He is extremely experienced, having been at sea for longer then the captain has been alive, and is well respected by the crew.
Aarugash Stonecutter - dwarven captain of the Windrider. He is cunning, but reserved, preferring to let opponents trip themselves up, then swoop in for the kill. He treats his crew with respect, but is careful to always maintain his distance.
Encounters
The appearance of the blood moon in the sky above Amalara signals the appearance of the tarrasque eggs on the Isle of Fire. From that day, the PCs have 60 days until the blood moon shines again, at which point the tarrasque eggs hatch. This timeline has been consistent throughout recorded history.
The tales of previous journeys have become legend in Amalara, so a successful DC 15 Bardic Knowledge, Knowledge (History), or Knowledge (Arcana) check will give the PCs some idea of what they're in for: a basic description of the edge of the world and the Isle of Fire.
From port, the journey to the Isle of Fire takes approximately 20 days under full sail.
1. The Kraken Sea - Five days from port is an area of the ocean known as the Kraken Sea. The giant squid commonly attack ships as they sail through these turbulent waters. Each day spent crossing this section of ocean (it takes 10 under normal circumstances) sees a 50% chance of being attacked by a kraken. The PCs can use their own abilities to fight off the creatures or may take command of the ship's ballistae to aid the crew.
In addition to the monstrous obstacles, the Kraken Sea is notorious for its storms. Huge waves will toss the ship to and fro, necessitating Balance and Rope Use checks as the PCs help the crew secure the boat. If any character has Profession (Sailor) as a skill, he may substitute that skill instead.
If the combination of kraken attacks and storms results in the loss of 20% or more of the crew, whether through misfortune or PC inaction, Roan, the first mate, may attempt to rally the crew to mutiny. Roan bears no malice toward the captain, but he is protective of both his crew and the integrity of the mission. If this comes to pass the PCs may be able to mediate between the captain and the crew by reminding them that they all have a common goal.
2. The Edge of the World - Upon emerging from the Kraken Sea, it is five days to the cleft in the ocean that the sea god, Elaliulu, rendered when he smote his brother. 2,000-foot-high cliffs tower over an expanse 10 miles wide. The roar from waters of the ocean as they spill over the edge and race into abyss below is deafening. From this point on, it will take a Listen (DC +20) check to understand any attempt at verbal communication.
A giant stone outcropping hangs over the edge of the cleft, and this is where the ships will moor. The PCs now need to find a way to travel from the moored ship to the Isle of Fire. The journey over the edge is not as easy as it looks. The Isle itself is 5 miles across and sits squarely in the middle of the cleft. The water between the cliffs and the isle is far too turbulent to allow a ship to cross, let alone swim.
Arrowhawks make their nests on the various stone outcroppings along the edge, and will attack any creature they see flying through their territory. Additionally, a flight of huge wyverns inhabits the Isle of Fire, and will make their presence known as the PCs draw near.
3. The Isle of Fire - This giant volcanic island is in a constant state of flux. The continuously active volcano rebuilds and reshapes the island, even as sections are broken off by turbulent waters and carried to the depths. Other than pockets of vegetation that sit at the base of the volcano, the island is devoid of mundane life.
The corrupting influence of Innulu's body permeates the Isle of Fire, however. The raw magical and physical energy in this area prevents teleportation magic from functioning, and all fire-based magic is considered maximized when cast on the island. The island also presents the following obstacles:
A tribe of fire newts inhabits the island, living off of the lava and cinders produced by the volcano. They venerate Innulu's spirit, which communicates with them in ghostly portents and visions. They believe that the tarrasque to be the avatar of the imprisoned god, and will act as defenders of the eggs when the PCs approach.
An active volcano is an incredibly dangerous place, with steam vents, landslides, lava flows, and poison gas acting as natural traps.
The most dangerous feature of the island though, is the result of the fire god's sprit having had an eternity to reflect on his imprisonment. A palpable aura of despair infects any creature that visits the island. For every hour spent on the island, a visitor must make a Will save (DC 20) or lose 1d4 points of wisdom and become fatigued. As the visitor's wisdom is drained by the island, he will become despondent and grief-stricken, in sympathy with the imprisoned god.
4. Cave of the Devourer - Halfway up the side of the volcano is the entrance to the cavern where the tarrasque eggs were created by Innulu. The eggs themselves are 10 ft wide and weigh well over a ton, and there are 2d4 of them. The thick, leathery shells share the same qualities as the tarrasque's carapace, including the damage reduction and spell resistance, and possess the fire subtype. They do not otherwise possess any of the other immunities of a tarrasque, nor do they possess the regenerative abilities.
The fire newts have decorated the cave with murals of the tarrasque destroying cities and devouring civilizations. If they spend time examining the paintings, they will also see optimistic visions of the great beast destroying elven armadas.
The visions granted to the fire newts by the spirit of Innulu have also led them to fill the room with traps to protect against the elven invaders. Concealed pits that lead directly into lava tubes dot the cavern, and several sections of the cavern roof have been rigged to collapse.
If the PCs encounter the opposing party within the cave, they will have to dodge the traps while defending themselves. Additionally, the reflective nature of the egg carapace may result in an unwelcome surprise for any spellcaster trying to use rays, lines, or cones to combat the enemy.
Beyond brute force, it may be possible for the PCs (through clever engineering, great physical effort, or magic (the spell telekinetic sphere is powerful enough to move an individual egg)) to roll the eggs down the slope of the volcano and into the great depths. As long as the eggs are still unhatched, the tremendous pressure at the floor of the sea will deal enough crushing damage to destroy them. This has been the traditional course of action, as it mirrors Elaliulu's defeat of Innulu.
PCs might try to push the eggs into the pit traps that lead into the lava tubes, under the mistaken impression that this will destroy them. Since the eggs have the fire subtype, they are immune to the lava, and any eggs pushed into the tubes will simply reemerge into the cave 24 hours later.
Resolution
There are several possible resolutions:
The Edge of the World - the cleft in the ocean where the sea god imprisoned the god of fire.
Elven Ship - the Siralumu, which carries the PCs to the Edge of the World
Blood Moon - both an omen and a timeline, the blood moon signals the arrival of the tarrasque eggs
Tarrasque Eggs - Innulu's children, an attempt by the imprisoned god of destruction to wreak havoc on the world
Fire Newts - inhabitants of the Isle of Fire, where Innulu rests
Despair - the imprisoned god's primary emotion. It is strong enough to affect those that set foot on the island
However, I think much of the criticism was well founded and well reasoned, so I brought up the idea of revising some of the adventures using the criticism as a guideline, just to see what the result would be. There seemed to be some interest in it, so this thread is the result.
I've revised my final round losing entry. I'm very curious to see whether others would view these revisions as an improvement, and to see what other participants would do with some of their entries, given the chance.
The original entry can be seen here: http://www.enworld.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1387120&postcount=216
Nemmerle's judgment can be seen here: http://www.enworld.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1387406&postcount=217
And here is the revised entry:
Final Round - First Match-Up: Enkhidu vs. CarpeDavid
Ingredients
-----------------
The Edge of the World
Elven Ship
Blood Moon
Tarrasque Eggs
Fire Newts
Despair
When Elaliulu, the Lord of the Sea and creator of all, cast down his brother, Innulu, the Lord of Flame and devourer of all, he cleft the ocean in two and sent the defeated god's molten body hurtling into the abyss. A great mountain of smoke and fire marks the spot of the destroyer's prison, and it is as awesome to behold as it is terrible.
...
When the moon shines red once, the seeds of the devourer will be sown. When it runs red twice, Innulu's children will awaken, and the world will be no longer.
From the Elven Book of Wisdom
Beyond the Sea
An adventure for medium to high-level PCs.
Every few hundred years, on the Isle of Fire, a clutch of tarrasque eggs is created by the imprisoned sprit of the fire god Innulu, in an attempt to destroy the world. For as long as history has been recorded, the elven kingdom of Amalara has sent its armada to destroy the eggs before they have had a chance to hatch.
Fifty years ago, though, Amalara went to war with the dwarven kingdom of Ironhelm, and their armadas are currently engaged in battle with each other. King Kilithia of Amalara has no choice, then, but to turn to a group of adventurers to complete the epic journey instead.
This is a fairly straightforward adventure, with not much intrigue, but lots of opportunity for cinematic combat and problem solving. Ideally, the group should consist mostly of elves and humans, but it is possible to run it with a group comprised of mostly of dwarves (see hooks section, below).
Hooks
Depending on the racial composition, and/or political alliances, the PCs may be contacted by either the elven or dwarven rulers.
1. King Kilithia believes adamantly in the necessity of the journey to destroy the tarrasque eggs, and will give the PCs his own personal ship, the Siralumu for the duration of the journey. He will provide them with a crew, and can offer wealth and title if they return successfully.
2. If the PCs are dwarves, or aligned with the dwarven kingdom, they may be contacted by the king of Ironhelm (or someone in his court). He believes that the tarrasque eggs might be of use militarily, and wishes to assemble his own group of adventurers to retrieve them before the elves destroy them. The offer is much the same as that of the elven king: a boat (the Windrider), a crew, and lots of gold and land upon a successful return.
Regardless of which banner the PCs adventure under, the obstacles they face will be nearly identical, likely including having to face the other party.
NPCs
Macidus - captain of the Siralumu. Macidus is young, brash, and bold, having recently received his commission in the king's navy through political means (his father is a duke in the king's court). His inexperience leads him to sometimes take risks that his crew does not always approve of, but has thus far managed to avoid catastrophe. He believes in the necessity of the journey, and is willing to sacrifice himself and his crew to safeguard the rest of the world.
Roan - first mate of the Siralumu. He is wary of the captain, believing that his inexperience and risk taking endanger the crew and the mission. If things get rough, he is willing to seize power so that he can ensure that the mission is successful. He is extremely experienced, having been at sea for longer then the captain has been alive, and is well respected by the crew.
Aarugash Stonecutter - dwarven captain of the Windrider. He is cunning, but reserved, preferring to let opponents trip themselves up, then swoop in for the kill. He treats his crew with respect, but is careful to always maintain his distance.
Encounters
The appearance of the blood moon in the sky above Amalara signals the appearance of the tarrasque eggs on the Isle of Fire. From that day, the PCs have 60 days until the blood moon shines again, at which point the tarrasque eggs hatch. This timeline has been consistent throughout recorded history.
The tales of previous journeys have become legend in Amalara, so a successful DC 15 Bardic Knowledge, Knowledge (History), or Knowledge (Arcana) check will give the PCs some idea of what they're in for: a basic description of the edge of the world and the Isle of Fire.
From port, the journey to the Isle of Fire takes approximately 20 days under full sail.
1. The Kraken Sea - Five days from port is an area of the ocean known as the Kraken Sea. The giant squid commonly attack ships as they sail through these turbulent waters. Each day spent crossing this section of ocean (it takes 10 under normal circumstances) sees a 50% chance of being attacked by a kraken. The PCs can use their own abilities to fight off the creatures or may take command of the ship's ballistae to aid the crew.
In addition to the monstrous obstacles, the Kraken Sea is notorious for its storms. Huge waves will toss the ship to and fro, necessitating Balance and Rope Use checks as the PCs help the crew secure the boat. If any character has Profession (Sailor) as a skill, he may substitute that skill instead.
If the combination of kraken attacks and storms results in the loss of 20% or more of the crew, whether through misfortune or PC inaction, Roan, the first mate, may attempt to rally the crew to mutiny. Roan bears no malice toward the captain, but he is protective of both his crew and the integrity of the mission. If this comes to pass the PCs may be able to mediate between the captain and the crew by reminding them that they all have a common goal.
2. The Edge of the World - Upon emerging from the Kraken Sea, it is five days to the cleft in the ocean that the sea god, Elaliulu, rendered when he smote his brother. 2,000-foot-high cliffs tower over an expanse 10 miles wide. The roar from waters of the ocean as they spill over the edge and race into abyss below is deafening. From this point on, it will take a Listen (DC +20) check to understand any attempt at verbal communication.
A giant stone outcropping hangs over the edge of the cleft, and this is where the ships will moor. The PCs now need to find a way to travel from the moored ship to the Isle of Fire. The journey over the edge is not as easy as it looks. The Isle itself is 5 miles across and sits squarely in the middle of the cleft. The water between the cliffs and the isle is far too turbulent to allow a ship to cross, let alone swim.
Arrowhawks make their nests on the various stone outcroppings along the edge, and will attack any creature they see flying through their territory. Additionally, a flight of huge wyverns inhabits the Isle of Fire, and will make their presence known as the PCs draw near.
3. The Isle of Fire - This giant volcanic island is in a constant state of flux. The continuously active volcano rebuilds and reshapes the island, even as sections are broken off by turbulent waters and carried to the depths. Other than pockets of vegetation that sit at the base of the volcano, the island is devoid of mundane life.
The corrupting influence of Innulu's body permeates the Isle of Fire, however. The raw magical and physical energy in this area prevents teleportation magic from functioning, and all fire-based magic is considered maximized when cast on the island. The island also presents the following obstacles:
A tribe of fire newts inhabits the island, living off of the lava and cinders produced by the volcano. They venerate Innulu's spirit, which communicates with them in ghostly portents and visions. They believe that the tarrasque to be the avatar of the imprisoned god, and will act as defenders of the eggs when the PCs approach.
An active volcano is an incredibly dangerous place, with steam vents, landslides, lava flows, and poison gas acting as natural traps.
The most dangerous feature of the island though, is the result of the fire god's sprit having had an eternity to reflect on his imprisonment. A palpable aura of despair infects any creature that visits the island. For every hour spent on the island, a visitor must make a Will save (DC 20) or lose 1d4 points of wisdom and become fatigued. As the visitor's wisdom is drained by the island, he will become despondent and grief-stricken, in sympathy with the imprisoned god.
4. Cave of the Devourer - Halfway up the side of the volcano is the entrance to the cavern where the tarrasque eggs were created by Innulu. The eggs themselves are 10 ft wide and weigh well over a ton, and there are 2d4 of them. The thick, leathery shells share the same qualities as the tarrasque's carapace, including the damage reduction and spell resistance, and possess the fire subtype. They do not otherwise possess any of the other immunities of a tarrasque, nor do they possess the regenerative abilities.
The fire newts have decorated the cave with murals of the tarrasque destroying cities and devouring civilizations. If they spend time examining the paintings, they will also see optimistic visions of the great beast destroying elven armadas.
The visions granted to the fire newts by the spirit of Innulu have also led them to fill the room with traps to protect against the elven invaders. Concealed pits that lead directly into lava tubes dot the cavern, and several sections of the cavern roof have been rigged to collapse.
If the PCs encounter the opposing party within the cave, they will have to dodge the traps while defending themselves. Additionally, the reflective nature of the egg carapace may result in an unwelcome surprise for any spellcaster trying to use rays, lines, or cones to combat the enemy.
Beyond brute force, it may be possible for the PCs (through clever engineering, great physical effort, or magic (the spell telekinetic sphere is powerful enough to move an individual egg)) to roll the eggs down the slope of the volcano and into the great depths. As long as the eggs are still unhatched, the tremendous pressure at the floor of the sea will deal enough crushing damage to destroy them. This has been the traditional course of action, as it mirrors Elaliulu's defeat of Innulu.
PCs might try to push the eggs into the pit traps that lead into the lava tubes, under the mistaken impression that this will destroy them. Since the eggs have the fire subtype, they are immune to the lava, and any eggs pushed into the tubes will simply reemerge into the cave 24 hours later.
Resolution
There are several possible resolutions:
- The PCs make it to the eggs before the opposing group and destroy them.
- The PCs make it to the eggs at around the same time as the opposing group, and then have to battle them to determine the fate of the eggs.
- The opposing group makes it to the eggs first, and takes an egg back with them. In this case, the PCs will likely have to chase the group down, to destroy it before the second blood moon.
- If the PCs do not manage to destroy the eggs before the second blood moon, they will hatch, and the infant tarrasques will immediately set about trying to eat one another. This battle will continue until only one remains, insuring that the surviving creature is the most vicious and voracious of them all.
The Edge of the World - the cleft in the ocean where the sea god imprisoned the god of fire.
Elven Ship - the Siralumu, which carries the PCs to the Edge of the World
Blood Moon - both an omen and a timeline, the blood moon signals the arrival of the tarrasque eggs
Tarrasque Eggs - Innulu's children, an attempt by the imprisoned god of destruction to wreak havoc on the world
Fire Newts - inhabitants of the Isle of Fire, where Innulu rests
Despair - the imprisoned god's primary emotion. It is strong enough to affect those that set foot on the island
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