Mouseferatu
Hero
Okay, so when one decides to watch a movie called "Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus," one doesn't go into it expecting high-quality film-making. But I had expected (or at least hoped for) something like the Evil Dead movies, or One-Eyed Monster, where it's clear that the cast and crew are in on the joke.
No. Oh, my, no.
I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that I truly cannot remember the last time I saw a movie this bad. It's not even fun bad; you can make fun of it for a while, but eventually it becomes a boring train wreck.
I cannot count the number of movie cliche lines spoken with faux sincerity. I cannot overstate how stilted and poorly written the dialogue is. I cannot understate the quality of the acting. This is, for instance, the worst performance by Lorenzo Llamas I have ever seen.
Go back and read that last sentence, and take a minute to let it sink in. I'll wait.
There's not one memorable line. There's not one performance that isn't surpassed by your average high school play. The relative size of the creatures changes from scene to scene. The "action" scenes are boring. The sets are half a step up from the original Star Trek series. The science... Oh, dear God, the science. Think about how utterly awful the understanding of evolution is on the TV show Heroes. Now, if you reset the bar so Heroes actually represents the pinnacle of scientific understanding, this movie is about where Heroes should be.
Seriously. They talk about how these two creatures hated each other so much, that they didn't flee for their lives when the Ice Age "descended," and thus were frozen in the midst of combat. And that's not the only such example.
This movie is not worth renting. It's not worth watching if you can get it for free. It's not worth watching with your friends, while drunk, for the sole purpose of making fun of it. It might be worth keeping for use as a coaster if someone gives it to you. It's not "a fun, mindless romp." It's not a fun anything. With the exception of some halfway decent CGI shots--some, by no means all--it is lower in overall quality than your average movie made for the SciFi channel.
There is nothing redeeming about it. At all.
No. Oh, my, no.
I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that I truly cannot remember the last time I saw a movie this bad. It's not even fun bad; you can make fun of it for a while, but eventually it becomes a boring train wreck.
I cannot count the number of movie cliche lines spoken with faux sincerity. I cannot overstate how stilted and poorly written the dialogue is. I cannot understate the quality of the acting. This is, for instance, the worst performance by Lorenzo Llamas I have ever seen.
Go back and read that last sentence, and take a minute to let it sink in. I'll wait.
There's not one memorable line. There's not one performance that isn't surpassed by your average high school play. The relative size of the creatures changes from scene to scene. The "action" scenes are boring. The sets are half a step up from the original Star Trek series. The science... Oh, dear God, the science. Think about how utterly awful the understanding of evolution is on the TV show Heroes. Now, if you reset the bar so Heroes actually represents the pinnacle of scientific understanding, this movie is about where Heroes should be.
Seriously. They talk about how these two creatures hated each other so much, that they didn't flee for their lives when the Ice Age "descended," and thus were frozen in the midst of combat. And that's not the only such example.
This movie is not worth renting. It's not worth watching if you can get it for free. It's not worth watching with your friends, while drunk, for the sole purpose of making fun of it. It might be worth keeping for use as a coaster if someone gives it to you. It's not "a fun, mindless romp." It's not a fun anything. With the exception of some halfway decent CGI shots--some, by no means all--it is lower in overall quality than your average movie made for the SciFi channel.
There is nothing redeeming about it. At all.
--that anyone making a movie with that title must know how goofy it sounds, and must be in on the joke. (Again, like Campbell and Raimi, or, say, Deep Rising.)
