Right then, here it is: the Jester's patented colorful critical hit system!
Whenever a crit is confirmed, figure the damage normally. Then check how damaging it really is compared to the victim's CURRENT hit points. The reason for using current hp rather than total hp is that, otherwise it's virtually impossible to deal grevious crits against high level or high HD creatures.
If the damage is LESS THAN HALF of current hp, the critical hit inflicts a MAJOR wound (all crits are "major wounds" or worse).
If the damage is MORE THAN HALF but LESS THAN the victim's current hp (i.e. the target is still above 0 hp) the crit inflicts a GREVIOUS wound.
If the damage is enough to reduce the victim to 0 or less, it is an INCAPACITATING wound.
If the damage kills the victim, it is a LETHAL wound.
A note on regenerating creatures: even though the damage a weapon inflicts is likely subdual, I still roll on the crit charts as normal, but the damage repairs itself so quickly the severity of the wound rapidly decreases. F'rex, a troll (hp 40, currently with 20 points of subdual damage) would take a grevious wound from any crit that deals over 10 hp. Even though the effects may not last long, that crit will help for a little while.
LOCATION: Roll 1d10 and consult the chart below. In some cases the dm will need to make ad hoc rulings if the target's body is not shaped like a human's; that's what dms are for.
1-2: Head
3: Right arm
4: Left arm
5-8: Torso
9: Right leg
10: Left leg
Effects of Various Wounds: Roll randomly for each category, and feel free to add your own as you think of them. Also, where dm adjudication is required ("I crit the grell!"), use the closest possible equivelent (arm=tentacle). Finally, a few crits listed below involve automatic disarms and the like; these don't apply against unarmed enemies and should be ignored (treat the charts as if they don't have said result on them; there should always be a result in using this system or it unfairly favors monsters and monks). Disarms, knockdowns, etc. inflicted by crits are automatic (there's no opposed roll).
MAJOR WOUNDS BY BODY LOCATION:
HEAD---------------ARM-------------------LEG---------------------TORSO
Stun (1d6 rds)---Break 1d5 fingers---Knocked prone-------Knocked prone
Deaf (1d6 mins)--Lose 1 finger--------Break 1d5 toes-------Knocked back 5'
Blood in eyes**--Disarm this arm$$--Break foot-------------Cracked rib
Scarring------------Knockdown----------Knockback 5'----------Dazed 1 rd.
Lose 1d6 teeth---Knockback 5'
GREVIOUS WOUNDS BY BODY LOCATION:
HEAD------------------ARM-------------------LEG---------------------TORSO
Eye put out----------Lose 1d5 fingers---Break knee------------Break 1d6 ribs
Deaf in one ear@@---Hand split*-----------Break hip*-------------Stunned 1d6 rds
Speech impediment$-Hand/wrist broken-Break lower leg-----Damage armor as well as target
Nasty scar-----------Elbow broken-------Break ankle------------Drop all held items
KO'd 10d6 mins-----Forearm broken----Lose 1d5 toes---------Break collarbone*
Nose gone-----------Disarmed (both hands)
INCAPACITATING WOUNDS BY BODY LOCATION:
HEAD------------------ARM-------------------LEG---------------------TORSO
Lose both eyes-----Off at elbow---------Hamstrung%%----------Lung pierced^
Dain bramage@------Off at wrist----------Off at knee------------Break sternum
Deafened------------Break shoulder*----Break pelvis-----------Spine broken^^
Voicebox ruined----Shatter elbow*-----Shatter knee*---------Diaphragm crushed
Lose lower jaw/tongue-Muscle damage%-Foot cut off*--------3d6 ribs smashed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Gutted&
LETHAL WOUNDS BY BODY LOCATION:
HEAD------------------ARM-------------------LEG--------------------TORSO
Decapitated---------Off at shoulder------Off at thigh-----------Cut in half
Brain pierced--------Artery in pit severed-Groin destroyed---Disemboweled completely
Throat slit open-----Artery inside elbow-Artery in groin------Unseemed from nave to crotch
Skull caved in---------------------------------Artery in knee------Heart pierced
Through the eye-----------------------------Pelvis demolished--Lungs crushed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Stomach broken
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Kidneys demolished
NOTES:
* Can't use indicated body part until healed.
** MEA each round to clear eyes or blinded; lasts for 1d6 minutes
@ Lose 1d4 points of one mental stat at random
@@ -4 to Listen checks, -2 initiative, 10% chance of spell failure when casting spells with verbal components
$ -2 to diplomacy checks and perform checks with a verbal component (except humor), 20% chance to miscast spells with verbal components
$$ If the character is wielding a two handed weapon it takes a MEA to put that second hand back on the weapon
% -1d4 points of Str
%% -1d6 points of Dex, move reduced to half normal
^ -1d4 points of Con
^^ Possibly paralyzed, roll 1d6: 1- None, 2- 100% paralyzed, 3/4- Right or left side, 5- Neck down, 6- Waist down
& Make a Ref save each round (DC20) or tangle feet in guts, can't move (need one hand to hold intestines in)
GENERAL NOTES ON BROKEN BONES: A body part with broken bones suffers a -2 circumstance penalty to use the body part and suffers 1d4 hp per round of using it. A character with broken ribs who moves more than a normal move or takes any strenuous actions takes 1d6 points of subdual damage per minute. A use of the Heal skill (DC15) can tightly bind them in one minute, allowing normal activity. For details on what rolls are affected by what body part, see table 3-9, DMG pg. 67. A broken bone can be fixed with magical healing (a single cure that heals damage equal to the damage inflicted to the bone, or a cure serious wounds or better in any case). Shattered bones can be knitted with a cure serious wounds (which heals no damage) or higher magic (which will both heal damage and knit the bone together).
ABILITY DAMAGE: It requires a restoration spell to fix ability damage inflicted through crits (this is permanent damage).
GETTING TO IT RIGHT AWAY: A character with ranks in the Heal skill and some form of magical healing can try to use them in conjunction to fix heavier wounds than they normally could if he gets to the wound within one round of it being inflicted. A Heal check, DC20+level of spell normally required, allows the medic to increase the effective level of the healing spell by one for purposes of fixing injuries (though it doesn't increase the hit points cured), so instead of requiring a Cure Serious Wounds to knit a shattered bone together, a Cure Moderate Wounds will work. This also allows the character to use a Lesser Restoration or Cure Critical Wounds to emulate a Restoration spell to heal ability damage just incurred from a crit, or a Cure Critical Wounds to emulate a Regenerate spell on a limb just removed if it can be pressed to the stump as the spell is cast.
I think that about covers it! For the record, I don't think I've hacked off any limbs from pcs yet with this system, but I'll keep trying until I do...