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My Next Adventure: Feedback Please

BlackLotus

First Post
The Brothers Nine:

Nine bandits, who had just robbed a caravan, travel westward towards the village Wyrmshire. When the bandits were within a mile distance of the village, they saw a strange sight. Many people are gathering on top of a hill listening man preaching about the existence of a new God. The bandits stop to listen the man’s speech, before they descide to take their next action.

“All men are born in sin, hence God sacrificed his one and only begotten son, so that man can be saved from their sins. Those who are forgiven of their sins and are faithful to the one and only True God shall be allowed to enter his kingdom to live in eternal paradise.”

The bandit leader approaches the preaching man and he begins to speak.
“I had enough of your prattle, my men and I are here to rob you lot, even if it means that we have to leave some dead corpses behind. So if you wanna live, just hand over the loot.”

The preaching man looked down a t the bandit leader and simply said, “You are the brothers nine, born from the same mother and father. Then when you and your brothers were born from her womb, you were immediately sold to Goblin slave traders for profit.
I know that your mother and father have knowledge of the True God, since you and each one of your brothers have Christian Names, Bartholomew.”

The bandit leader, Bartholomew, shocked by what he had just heard from the preaching man’s lips draws his sword from his sheath in a threatening manner.
“Perhaps you’ll be the first one to die for prodding around in my head, Wizard. And I really hope to see this God of yours come down here to save you from my blade.”

Without any signs of fear the preaching man looked at Bartholomew with pity and stated,” Bartholomew, I know of a secret that you hold in the back of your mind where no Wizard can reach. I shall whisper this secret into your ear to show you that God knows everything about you.”

“Okay, I’ll play, tell me this secret of all secrets that I hold in my head”, replies the bandit leader.

The preaching man leaned over and whispered something into the bandit leader’s ear. Suddenly a look of shock appeared across Bartholomew’s face as he took his blade and plunged it into the preaching man’s chest.
The preaching man did not show any signs of hate or anger towards Bartholomew. Instead he just looked at the sword sticking out of his chest. Tears of sadness rolled down his face as he grabbed the hilt of the sword and pulled the weapon from out of his chest.
The preaching man then flung the bladed weapon to the ground at Bartholomew’s feet.

“Bartholomew, take this sword and return it to your sheath. Also, you and your brothers shalt not harm or kill any other people, GOD COMMANDS IT!”
Bartholomew along with his group of bandits and the rest of the people within the gathering fell to their knees pleading for mercy. The preaching man looked upon the people and knelt down beside them in humility.

Bartholomew speaks with a quivering, uncertain voice, “Who are you?”

The preaching man looks at Bartholomew and replies,” I am the Arch Angel Gabriel and there is no need to fall to your knees in my presence, because I am merely a servant of the one and True God here on this world to spread his word. He has nothing but mercy for all of you; he is not a vengeful God; only the wicked shall fear him.

Tell me Bartholomew, do you and your brothers remain to be among the wicked?”

Sudden a glowing aura of spectral light surrounds Gabriel and a pair a Angelic wings materializes on his back. Everyone who is within Gabriel’s presence feels an overwhelming sense of peace and tranquility.

Bartholomew speaks,” I have my doubts about this God, but I will try to be faithful towards him. Especially after what I have witnessed today, I will promise not to continue in my thieving ways and I will not kill another person as long as I walk this land.”

Gabriel places his hands upon Bartholomew’s shoulders and states,” Good, you have answered wisely, Bartholomew, all an Angel can ask a human to do is at least try. Even the most devoted humans have often time faltered in their belief in God. As long as they find their way back to the right path shall they enter his kingdom and live for all eternity.

I have past a beautiful field about 2 miles Northwest of here, both you and your brothers can build God’s House at that location to spread his word. I have drawn up some plans on how the Cathedral is to be built; even Angels such as myself have hobbies that we like to pursue.”

The Angel Gabriel hands Bartholomew a scroll containing detailed plans on how the Cathedral to the one True God was to be built.













Evil Ensues:
A short time after the Cathedral to an unknown God was built, the devils gathered together on the bottom most layer of hell, Nessus, and held an emergency meeting. The meeting was to be lead by the Notorious King of Devils Asmodeus. Any Devil Lord that did not appear at this meeting was to be demoted to the rank of Lemure, as punishment.

Asmodeus, sitting on a great thrown made of brass and Brimstone pounds his fiendish staff on the floor of the citadel.
“Silence! It has come to my attention that the Angel Gabriel was spotted on the world called the Source, spreading the teachings of a forbidden God. If the word of this forbidden God spreads a number of Devil Lords within this chamber will cease to exist. The question is how are we going to deal with this situation.”

The Spider Goddess, Lolth, takes the floor, “My Lord Asmodeus, may I humbly suggest that I have my Drow worshippers take care of this Angel. I can provide them with magical weapons that could be used against him. This Angel will never step foot in the Prime Material Plane again.”

Asmodeus throws a fireball at Lolth, which sets her on fire. “Fool! The Angel Gabriel is an Immortal, he can not be harmed by any form of magic, either by a magically enchanted weapon, spell or poison. This forbidden God bestowed these protections upon him. Anyhow Lolth, you are one of the Lords, which will cease to exist if the word of this forbidden God spreads, along with all the Drow who worship you.”

Asmodeus’s attention is drawn to the Devil Lord Hexxis. He notices that Hexxis is playing with a rat. Suddenly Angered Asmodeus screams,” How dare you bring food within my meeting chamber! I will now punish you for your lack of focus on this matter of great importance!” Asmodeus points at Hexxis, then a bolt of lightning springs out of his index finger, striking the offending Devil Lord in the head.
Hexxis bows his head in submission as he begins to speak,” Sorry my Lord, but this rodent is actually apart of my plan. There was a creature that was once an enemy to all men. He is called Craven, the king of the rat people. This rat that I hold in my hands has Craven’s blood coursing through its veins. The human named Bartholomew, well my Lord Asmodeus, this human’s faith in this GOD wavers with uncertainty. We could use this to our advantage. One bite from this rat could destroy Bartholomew and resurrect the Rat King to its former glory.”

“Hexxis my patience is growing short with you, tell me how could resurrecting an old were-rat help us in this matter.”

“My Lord Asmodeus, the rat people are a crafty sort. These creatures have the ability to turn the humans against this Forbidden God. All will grow to fear and hate this GOD, as soon as the Ratlings have completed their mission.”



With a furious hatred burning in his eyes, Asmodeus replies,” Hexxis pray to me that you are right about this; otherwise, I might just have to eat you whole and spit out your bones across this chamber’s floor. And the other Lords of Hell will draw witness to this disgusting act, if you fail me.”

Evil in the form of a Rat!
Bartholomew with the holy bible in his arms had just wished his two brothers, Judas and Peter, a goodnight. The two brothers left the Cathedral and went to the Estate located on top of Mullbury Hill to rest for the night. Bartholomew wanted to join his brothers, but he had just remembered to return the holy book back onto the altar in the hall of worship.
The priest enters the main hall where the people come to worship the True God. He notices that the chamber has a sinister aura about it whenever nightfall comes. Brother Bartholomew always has an unsettling feeling when he enters the hall of worship during the hours of darkness. The pews where the people sit during the day cast eerie elongated shadows at night. The silhouettes of rats can be seen running across the windowsills, backlit by the moonlight shining through the stain glass images of each window. But some how this night was to be different, Bartholomew can sense it; something evil is lurking within the shadows.
As Brother Bartholomew places the holy book on to the altar, he notices a rat staring at him from the isle way between the two rows of pews.
“Shooo go away rodent. I’ll have nothing to do with you this night”, whimpered the young priest.
Unfortunately for Brother Bartholomew, the rat just stood there and stared, instead this time it had a human-like grin on it’s face. Suddenly the fiendish rat lunged at the priest with a vicious attack. It bit into Brother Bartholomew’s skin repeatedly until the young priest’s robes were soaked with his own blood. Now visibly scarred by the rodent’s relentless attack, Bartholomew’s body falls to the floor. The body of priest spasms as it begins its transformation into a monstrous humanoid rat-like creature. The Were-rat, Craven, has been reborn.

The Were-rat Craven woke from his eternal sleep, only to see a fiendish apparition appear before him. He sees the Devil Lord Hexxis standing over him and realizes that this infernal entity was the one who had resurrected him back to life. The Devil Lord Hexxis speaks,” Craven, this is the temple of the forbidden God. If Knowledge of this God spreads throughout the lands then the control that we have over this world will be lost. The monsters and mythical creatures, which were born from the Dreamtime Mists will cease to exist. You, Craven, will also cease to exist along with them if you fail in your mission.”

Craven, now on knees showing nothing but obedience to the infernal Lord replies,” My Lord Hexxis what would you have me do to stop the knowledge of this forbidden God from spreading across these lands?”




“Craven, you must start by killing the other priests who come to this temple. Use your shape-shifting ability and assume the form of Brother Bartholomew, this will allow you to perform this first task without difficulty. After you have killed them, then you will infect their bodies with your blood. This will transform whatever life they may have left within them into were-rats, who’ll obey you without question.”

Craven suddenly interrupts the infernal lord with a statement of his own,” Yes, my lord Hexxis, I see this plan of yours develop within my mind. When the people come here to worship this forbidden God we will set a trap for them. We will kill them all!”

“Craven”, Hexxis interrupts,” You will kill all but one person that comes to this temple. That one survivor will then tell others about the evil thing that this God did to the people who worship him. The people will grow to fear and hate this forbidden God and no one ever come to worship him again.”

“Is there anything else that you wish for me to do, Lord Hexxis?” asks the Were-rat as he shape-shifts into the form of Brother Bartholomew.

“Yes Craven, one of my agents is amongst of the brothers nine. He is a traitor to them and their God. He has a strongbox hidden within a secret room in front of a shrine that is dedicated to me. I want you to tear your beating heart from your chest and place it within that box. If you are killed in battle, then you will be resurrected back to life and physically reappear wherever the box containing your heart is located. Anyone who opens this box and looks upon your beating heart, Craven, will be transformed into a ratling that will obey your commands. However, I must warn you, should a crying child gaze upon your heart. Then those tears from the crying child, that fall upon your beating heart will destroy you.”

“I will immediately put your plan into action, Infernal Lord Hexxis,” cries Craven as he watches the vision of the fiend fades from his sight.

This is story to my next adventure that I'm going to write. Feedback would be much appreciated.
 

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Wyrmshire

The Rat Children of Mullbury Hill:
Read:
You have lived your childhood in Wyrmshire, a small village located 15 miles Northeast from the Capital City of Taralina in the Northlands. Now that you have grown to be an adult, you are looking for employment with one of the local artisans of the village. Unfortunately, today was not to be your lucky day, each trade shop that you went to had their positions filled. The friends, whom you had grown up with, beacon you to join with them at the local tavern for pint of ale.

DM: All the people who are meeting together at the tavern will be the playing characters who will make up the party of adventurers that will take on the quest within this module.
The Dungeon Master should inform the players that their characters should act as if they have known each other for most of their life. Please allow each player talk about their character that they are portraying even before the adventure starts.

The Village Wyrmshire:
A man-made mote filled with water along with wall made of stone that is about 20 feet high encompasses the village Wyrmshire. A drawbridge spans over the mote allowing travelers to cross over and enter the village through the main gates. Some farms can be seen on the lands surrounding the village.
The village has roughly 1,500 residents living within it’s walls. Most of the people who live within the village consist of farmers, artisans, and merchants. Caravans that sell trade goods travel from the capital city of Taralina to Wyrmshire then they continue to travel out towards the coastal villages of the Majestic Sea.

Government:
Ferdinand Bernard Spindalgras is the magistrate of the village Wrymshire. He was appointed the position of magistrate by King Terrel Ironhilt himself. Ferdinand creates the laws and ensures that village guard does their duty to enforce those laws. All the laws of the village are sensible and fair to all the residence that live here; therefore, an uprising against the magistrate will not occur. The guards urge all travelers who come to the village, to visit the hall of records to read and observe all the laws posted there.

Ferdinand Bernard Spindalgras commands 300 guards within the village. The guards police the streets and keep an eye out for any criminal that would cause trouble against the citizens of Wyrmshire. Anyone who is caught committing a crime is brought in front of a jury of peers at the Hall of Justice. If they are found guilty of a crime then the Judge sentences them to five years of hard labor inside an iron ore mine. Repeat offenders are often put to death, by being hung by a rope tied around their neck from one of the branches of a Great Oak Tree, just outside the Hall of Justice.

Demographics:
The population of Wyrmshire consists of Humans, Dwarves, Elves and an occasional friendly Drow. A handful of individuals from the Dragonborn and Eladrin races come to stay within the village for a short time, usually for business purposes, before they leave to go elsewhere.

Economics:
Wrymshire’s economy is primarily based on trade and the selling of exotic goods, which are exclusively produced there. It is also notoriously known for slave trafficking. A Criminal underground network operates within the village, right underneath magistrate’s nose, of goblins buying and selling slaves for profit. Usually these trade negotiations take place within well-hidden underground enclaves located throughout the village. The goblins that are dealing in slave trafficking always travel within tunnels located underneath the village and the citizens who live upon the surface almost never see them.

Travelers can purchase just about any item in Wyrmshire; however, the selling of magical items is strictly prohibited.
Although adventurers can find merchants that are willing to sell them an enchanted +1 or +2 magical weapon or armor, any item created from greater magic is almost never found for purchase. Merchants will also avoid purchasing magical items from any traveler for fear of being caught and punished for this crime by the magistrate’s guards. The local alchemist, upon the purchase for each order, creates magical Potions. Any alchemist caught while creating a magical potion is swiftly punished by according to the law of the village. The Law forbidding magical items also applies to the creation spell scrolls or any type of magically created item.

The farms located just beyond the village walls barter for goods and services with the local merchants by the means of food as payment. The local farmers are normally satisfied with the payment arrangements with the local merchants.

I would like some feedback please, it doesn't matter if it is good or Bad. It will give me something to work off of.
 

I read your first post, and it seems well thought-out. Obviously you are tying Christianity into D&D, which I have no problem with (doesn't concern me anyways). However, I'd check with your players to make sure they are okay with it. I have no idea how old you are, but if you are still in your parent's care, I'd tell them about your campaign before they find out for themselves; D&D has had some "scuffles" with Christianity and conservatives before, and (not saying they are) if your parents are of that mindset, they could take this the wrong way. I'd explain to them how it's just a game, much like a story you and your friends can partake in, that nothing dangerous will happen, and that they can sit in and watch a session if they'd like.

As per the campaign, you have a lot of homebrew work to do on fleshing everything out. The gods and angels in the standard 4E world are a part of a certain pantheon, and introducing a be-all end-all God into the mix is going to change that drastically. Try to stay away from having your players deal with creatures that are invincible, or introducing any Deus Ex Machinas into your campaign. Other than that, it seems you have most of it thought out already. Kudos.
 

I would like some feedback please, it doesn't matter if it is good or Bad. It will give me something to work off of.

Just one minor point: naming a village Wyrmshire sticks out like a sore thumb. A shire isn't a name for a settlement, it's the name for a region. If this won't bother anyone in your gaming group, then just ignore me, but if my DM came up with Wyrmshire for a village name I'd have trouble taking it seriously.

Then again, personally, I would not be able to play in a game which invoked Christianity - you've got to be really careful on this one and make sure your players are going to be with you on this.
 

The name of the Village that I've chose is very appropriate, since it was once a place where Dragons had hatched their young. However, a global event had changed the entire landscape of the world, which forced the Dragons to roost elsewhere. The remains of broken Dragon egg shells that can be discovered in nearby fields and forest areas, is a clear indication that Dragons once lived in the region surrounding the village. The name Wyrmshire was given to the village in honor of the Dragons that once lived there to raise their young.
 

Just one minor point: naming a village Wyrmshire sticks out like a sore thumb. A shire isn't a name for a settlement, it's the name for a region. If this won't bother anyone in your gaming group, then just ignore me, but if my DM came up with Wyrmshire for a village name I'd have trouble taking it seriously.

Then again, personally, I would not be able to play in a game which invoked Christianity - you've got to be really careful on this one and make sure your players are going to be with you on this.

Yes, I must agree that having integrating Christianity into a fantasy setting will be difficult task, and a very sensitive one I must admit. But, after reading how the people who had embraced Christianity were persecuted for their religious beliefs, I just imagine what a powerful story it would be in a role-playing game.

If you agree for me take Christianity out of the story entirely I could use some alternative ideas without changing the plot that I have already laid out.

Suggestions!!!
 

I ran a homebrew setting with a monotheistic pantheon dominating the main human nation. Said religion was somewhat based on Christianity, but I also tried to make the distinctions and differenced clear. The advantage, I have found, to running a game religion based on an established religion can allow some of the players who are familiar with said real religion to relate. (And this can lead to some very creative stories if you and the players play off this knowledge) The downside is if you create conflict in your group by offending some one. Know your group. Talk to the players.
If you have a good story, don't drop it if it won't fit with the group. You can always change the religion to one of Bahamut, or some other appropriate benevolent deity. (Changing names and terms and the like, but keeping the premise as similar to the original as you can)
 


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