Biohazard
First Post
Now, I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but after playing d20 Modern since its release I have come to identify a number of distinct d20 Modern player-types I have come to loathe. These are players who will drive me into an early grave if I ever have to GM for any of them again. Honestly, I would rather pluck out my own eyeballs with a pair of rusty tweezers dipped in salt and vinegar and eat the eyeballs on a sandwich of my own feces than have to confront any of these bozos at my gaming table in the future.
They are:
1. THE GUN MUNCHKIN. This is a guy who loves guns. Adores them. Often he's a hunter, the kind of guy who's been killing animals since age 8 and considers it a sign of true masculinity to slit the throat of a wounded deer that is paralyzed with fright. In a d20 Modern adventure the Gun Munchkin always wants to know two things: (1) What kind of gun do I have? and (2) Can I also get______ (insert exotic gun type here)? A typical exchange between myself (as GM) and the Gun Munchkin goes something like this:
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Me: Okay, you kick down the door and find yourself in a small, cluttered storage room, lit poorly by a filthy bulb dangling from the end of a frayed rope.
Gun Munchkin: Are there any guns?
Me: Er, do you want to search the room?
Gun Munchkin: Yeah, I'll take 20 on a search. I'm hoping to find a Desert Eagle with .50 Action Express round, or perhaps (drool) a CZ61 Skorpion.
Me: Uh, sure. Anyway, you search the room and find no guns. However, you *do* find a very interesting--
Gun Munchkin: What? No guns? This sucks.
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I find Gun Munchkins almost impossible to cope with. They are even more obnoxious and annoying than Military Wannabes (though it's a close call). The Gun Munchkin is so detached from reality in his worship of firearms that if you offered him (a) One hour with an AK-47 assault rifle at a firing range or (b) One hour with the bikini-clad Olsen twins in a hot tub, he would, without hesitation, take the AK-47. Strange. Sad, even.
2. THE MILITARY WANNABE. Also known as "THE AMBULANCE CHASER" or "THE WEEKEND WARRIOR" this truly frightening player is a distant cousin of the Gun Munchkin. His entire goal in the campaign is to play a high-level military special operative soldier, almost always American (but sometimes British or Israeli). What makes the Military Wannabe an annoying player is that he wants to play this character regardless of the nature of the campaign. For example:
-----
Me: Okay guys, let's roll up characters. Remember you're creating ordinary first-level characters with any starting occupation except Law Enforcement or Military. Average citizens.
Military Wannabe: WHAT? First level? Average citizens? But I want to play a 10th level Navy SEAL who specializes in demolitions and sniper fire! Or at least an Israeli Special Commando!
Me: Er, right. But remember that this is a *horror* campaign in which the characters are *inexperienced civilians*.
Military Wannabe: WHAT? That sucks!
-----
Military Wannabes are easily spotted because they almost always have two distinctive features: (1) They usually wear camoflauge clothing, and (2) They talk incessantly about how America, Britain, or Israel are currently "kicking ass" in various regions of the world. In countries where militarism is not a strong part of the culture (such as Canada, Sweden, Swizterland, etc.) the Military Wannabe will inevitably gripe about how his country's army "sucks" and how "cool" it would be to live in a country with a more powerful military. When not playing RPGs the Military Wannabe spends endless hours playing first-person shooters on his computer.
3. THE REALIST. The Realist is, for the most part, a relatively benign d20 Modern player type, but one who doesn't fit into any of the campaigns I enjoy running. He is obsessed with playing in a campaign that is "realistic"; therefore, any elements of magic, psionics, monsters, the supernatural, or paranormal phenomena (including alien visitations and the like) will offend and repel him immediately. It can be amusing when a Realist joins a campaign not realising that these elements will be present in the campaign until they appear. When that happens, the following exchange usually occurs:
-----
Me: Okay, you enter the deserted warehouse and find strange runes scribbled all over the walls.
Realist: Obviously the work of an insane person with delusions of the supernatural. I investigate the runes.
Me: Just as you do, a hideous ghoul runs at you from the shadows, screeching hideously.
Realist: "Ghoul"? What the hell is a "ghoul"? I thought we were playing d20 "Modern"! Everybody knows there's no such thing as ghouls! What is this, Dungeons & Dragons?
-----
Due to its cinematic nature, few Realists gravitate to d20 Modern to begin with; most of them fanatically play GURPS.
4. THE FILM FANBOY. The Film Fanboy is obsessed with crafting a character that is either (1) a character from his favorite action or science-fiction film, or (2) a character that is more or less a thinly-disguised copy of a character from his favorite action or science-fiction film. Go over to the message boards at Wizards of the Coast and you'll find scores of Film Fanboys who debate endlessly whether Neo from the Matrix is primarily a Dedicated or a Fast hero, or whether Fox Mulder from the X-Files is a 10th or 12th level character. Of the four character types listed here, the Film Fanboy is the easiest to get along with, as he is usually incredibly enthusiastic about any campaign involving action and the supernatural (my campaigns have lots of both) but he can be grating due to his complete inability to form a single original or creative thought about character creation. Plus, his endless blathering about film and TV trivia gets old real fast.
***
Anyone have any other player types to add?
They are:
1. THE GUN MUNCHKIN. This is a guy who loves guns. Adores them. Often he's a hunter, the kind of guy who's been killing animals since age 8 and considers it a sign of true masculinity to slit the throat of a wounded deer that is paralyzed with fright. In a d20 Modern adventure the Gun Munchkin always wants to know two things: (1) What kind of gun do I have? and (2) Can I also get______ (insert exotic gun type here)? A typical exchange between myself (as GM) and the Gun Munchkin goes something like this:
-----
Me: Okay, you kick down the door and find yourself in a small, cluttered storage room, lit poorly by a filthy bulb dangling from the end of a frayed rope.
Gun Munchkin: Are there any guns?
Me: Er, do you want to search the room?
Gun Munchkin: Yeah, I'll take 20 on a search. I'm hoping to find a Desert Eagle with .50 Action Express round, or perhaps (drool) a CZ61 Skorpion.
Me: Uh, sure. Anyway, you search the room and find no guns. However, you *do* find a very interesting--
Gun Munchkin: What? No guns? This sucks.
-----
I find Gun Munchkins almost impossible to cope with. They are even more obnoxious and annoying than Military Wannabes (though it's a close call). The Gun Munchkin is so detached from reality in his worship of firearms that if you offered him (a) One hour with an AK-47 assault rifle at a firing range or (b) One hour with the bikini-clad Olsen twins in a hot tub, he would, without hesitation, take the AK-47. Strange. Sad, even.
2. THE MILITARY WANNABE. Also known as "THE AMBULANCE CHASER" or "THE WEEKEND WARRIOR" this truly frightening player is a distant cousin of the Gun Munchkin. His entire goal in the campaign is to play a high-level military special operative soldier, almost always American (but sometimes British or Israeli). What makes the Military Wannabe an annoying player is that he wants to play this character regardless of the nature of the campaign. For example:
-----
Me: Okay guys, let's roll up characters. Remember you're creating ordinary first-level characters with any starting occupation except Law Enforcement or Military. Average citizens.
Military Wannabe: WHAT? First level? Average citizens? But I want to play a 10th level Navy SEAL who specializes in demolitions and sniper fire! Or at least an Israeli Special Commando!
Me: Er, right. But remember that this is a *horror* campaign in which the characters are *inexperienced civilians*.
Military Wannabe: WHAT? That sucks!
-----
Military Wannabes are easily spotted because they almost always have two distinctive features: (1) They usually wear camoflauge clothing, and (2) They talk incessantly about how America, Britain, or Israel are currently "kicking ass" in various regions of the world. In countries where militarism is not a strong part of the culture (such as Canada, Sweden, Swizterland, etc.) the Military Wannabe will inevitably gripe about how his country's army "sucks" and how "cool" it would be to live in a country with a more powerful military. When not playing RPGs the Military Wannabe spends endless hours playing first-person shooters on his computer.
3. THE REALIST. The Realist is, for the most part, a relatively benign d20 Modern player type, but one who doesn't fit into any of the campaigns I enjoy running. He is obsessed with playing in a campaign that is "realistic"; therefore, any elements of magic, psionics, monsters, the supernatural, or paranormal phenomena (including alien visitations and the like) will offend and repel him immediately. It can be amusing when a Realist joins a campaign not realising that these elements will be present in the campaign until they appear. When that happens, the following exchange usually occurs:
-----
Me: Okay, you enter the deserted warehouse and find strange runes scribbled all over the walls.
Realist: Obviously the work of an insane person with delusions of the supernatural. I investigate the runes.
Me: Just as you do, a hideous ghoul runs at you from the shadows, screeching hideously.
Realist: "Ghoul"? What the hell is a "ghoul"? I thought we were playing d20 "Modern"! Everybody knows there's no such thing as ghouls! What is this, Dungeons & Dragons?
-----
Due to its cinematic nature, few Realists gravitate to d20 Modern to begin with; most of them fanatically play GURPS.
4. THE FILM FANBOY. The Film Fanboy is obsessed with crafting a character that is either (1) a character from his favorite action or science-fiction film, or (2) a character that is more or less a thinly-disguised copy of a character from his favorite action or science-fiction film. Go over to the message boards at Wizards of the Coast and you'll find scores of Film Fanboys who debate endlessly whether Neo from the Matrix is primarily a Dedicated or a Fast hero, or whether Fox Mulder from the X-Files is a 10th or 12th level character. Of the four character types listed here, the Film Fanboy is the easiest to get along with, as he is usually incredibly enthusiastic about any campaign involving action and the supernatural (my campaigns have lots of both) but he can be grating due to his complete inability to form a single original or creative thought about character creation. Plus, his endless blathering about film and TV trivia gets old real fast.
***
Anyone have any other player types to add?
