D&D General Of Consent, Session 0 and Hard Decisions.

[EzekielRaiden]

Here it's more private chat. None of then even know what they are so it's a moot point.

Everyone in the groups has watched GoT or played BG3 or Assassins Creed.

Directly asked if anything in those games is a problem (minus BG3 sexy party time and Ramsey Bolton).

One of the games is based heavily on AC:Odyssey. They're all R18 basically I do PG13 with F bombs running Dungeon and starter adventures.

Those games and shows pretty much cover everything that would come up in my games. They're also a lot more visual.

Sure. You only play with folks you know well, so there is no need to help them speak up. If they've managed to keep something like this completely hidden for so long, frankly, they're probably not affected by it enough to need the help.

As with a lot of things, these tools aren't for folks who would already know the answers. It would be like distributing allergen surveys to your parents, siblings, spouse, and children as a 30+ year old person. If you don't already know that stuff about them, something has almost certainly gone wrong long before!

 

[Micah Sweet]

Certainly. I replied to someone earlier in the thread who explicitly said that they would refuse to participate in any game that used any safety tools, at all, for any reason. I can dig it up if you like.


I genuinely don't understand why they would laugh you out of the group or get really silent and awkward. Is it just that you don't have anyone in your group who has ever suffered trauma, and thus they don't understand how incredibly difficult it can be to speak up even a bit? Because let me tell you, even being able to speak the words at all is one of the hardest things you'll ever do.

I do think a fair number of folks either don't play with people who have the kinds of trauma that would suggest accommodation, or don't know that they play with such people. In either case, the situation simply hasn't come up for them in real life, which makes it difficult to relate to people on the internet talking about how important it is. In this situation, no one is trying to be a jerk, and I think it would help if everyone here considered the possibility.

 

[FrogReaver]

I genuinely don't understand why they would laugh you out of the group or get really silent and awkward.

Not surprising. But I doubt it's anything I could explain.

Is it just that you don't have anyone in your group who has ever suffered trauma, and thus they don't understand how incredibly difficult it can be to speak up even a bit? Because let me tell you, even being able to speak the words at all is one of the hardest things you'll ever do.

Who knows. It's not exactly like anyone has or would ever go, hey guys, i know we are here to play D&D and have a good time, but do you all know anyone with severe trauma?

 

[FrogReaver]

Sure. You only play with folks you know well, so there is no need to help them speak up. If they've managed to keep something like this completely hidden for so long, frankly, they're probably not affected by it enough to need the help.

As with a lot of things, these tools aren't for folks who would already know the answers. It would be like distributing allergen surveys to your parents, siblings, spouse, and children as a 30+ year old person. If you don't already know that stuff about them, something has almost certainly gone wrong long before!

If it's a close friend i'll be there 110%, but outside of that I frankly don't want to be the 1st person some guy that I only know from D&D confides his trauma in for the first time. I mean, do you?

 

[Zardnaar]

Sure. You only play with folks you know well, so there is no need to help them speak up. If they've managed to keep something like this completely hidden for so long, frankly, they're probably not affected by it enough to need the help.

As with a lot of things, these tools aren't for folks who would already know the answers. It would be like distributing allergen surveys to your parents, siblings, spouse, and children as a 30+ year old person. If you don't already know that stuff about them, something has almost certainly gone wrong long before!

Don't know most of them that well.

Hell Sunday is session 2 with 5 of them. Spent 2 weeks private chats.

There's minor stuff eg nerves, confidence etc. I kinda work that into the game and Also gets them rolling dice.

 

[EzekielRaiden]

If it's a close friend i'll be there 110%, but outside of that I frankly don't want to be the 1st person some guy that I only know from D&D confides his trauma in for the first time. I mean, do you?

If I am the first person they feel enough trust toward to say something, I consider it my duty to help them as much as I can. Now, "as much as I can" may mean simply spending half an hour actively listening, and then advising them to seek professional help; it may mean listening for a few minutes and then telling them honestly but compassionately, "I'm sorry, I don't have the spoons for this right now, I know you are hurting and need help but I can't give you the help you need" and then the advice to seek professional help as before. But generally it would be more like the former. Spending half an hour of my time showing kindness and compassion to someone who is suffering is, frankly, one of the most trivial costs I could pay, while possibly being a gift beyond price to the recipient. For me, this is both a matter of both ethics and faith: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor 13:4 and 13:7, NIV)

I don't necessarily expect anyone to share that belief. I would very, very much like it if most people did. I think our world would be a better, kinder, richer place if we did. But just because I think it important does not mean it really is universal, in part because I don't know what others are going through and what they have the spoons to do.

Don't know most of them that well.

Hell Sunday is session 2 with 5 of them. Spent 2 weeks private chats.

There's minor stuff eg nerves, confidence etc. I kinda work that into the game and Also gets them rolling dice.

Then I am surprised you know so much about their entertainment media preferences if you've only met them very recently. How did you learn so much so quickly?

 

[FrogReaver]

If I am the first person they feel enough trust toward to say something, I consider it my duty to help them as much as I can. Now, "as much as I can" may mean simply spending half an hour actively listening, and then advising them to seek professional help; it may mean listening for a few minutes and then telling them honestly but compassionately, "I'm sorry, I don't have the spoons for this right now, I know you are hurting and need help but I can't give you the help you need" and then the advice to seek professional help as before. But generally it would be more like the former. Spending half an hour of my time showing kindness and compassion to someone who is suffering is, frankly, one of the most trivial costs I could pay, while possibly being a gift beyond price to the recipient. For me, this is both a matter of both ethics and faith: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor 13:4 and 13:7, NIV)

I don't necessarily expect anyone to share that belief. I would very, very much like it if most people did. I think our world would be a better, kinder, richer place if we did. But just because I think it important does not mean it really is universal, in part because I don't know what others are going through and what they have the spoons to do.

Wait a second, I didn't say I wouldn't do similar as you describe if it happened. I just said I didn't want to be that person. And you never actually said whether you wanted to be either.

Otherwise, great post.

 

[Zardnaar]

If I am the first person they feel enough trust toward to say something, I consider it my duty to help them as much as I can. Now, "as much as I can" may mean simply spending half an hour actively listening, and then advising them to seek professional help; it may mean listening for a few minutes and then telling them honestly but compassionately, "I'm sorry, I don't have the spoons for this right now, I know you are hurting and need help but I can't give you the help you need" and then the advice to seek professional help as before. But generally it would be more like the former. Spending half an hour of my time showing kindness and compassion to someone who is suffering is, frankly, one of the most trivial costs I could pay, while possibly being a gift beyond price to the recipient. For me, this is both a matter of both ethics and faith: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor 13:4 and 13:7, NIV)

I don't necessarily expect anyone to share that belief. I would very, very much like it if most people did. I think our world would be a better, kinder, richer place if we did. But just because I think it important does not mean it really is universal, in part because I don't know what others are going through and what they have the spoons to do.


Then I am surprised you know so much about their entertainment media preferences if you've only met them very recently. How did you learn so much so quickly?

2 hours of session 0 and one of the first things I asked on the private chats.

Over the years I just use whatever is hot fantasy wise for beginners.

May also be classical world or Bible. Eg are you familiar with the lotr movies.

I'll also send them links to YouTube. Campaign started near Oracle of Delphi so I showed the the area, mountain and ridge where they were going.

 

[EzekielRaiden]

Wait a second, I didn't say I wouldn't do similar as you describe if it happened. I just said I didn't want to be that person. And you never actually said whether you wanted to be either.

Otherwise, great post.

I'm...not really sure I understand the distinction? If someone needs help, I want to help them, even if it costs me. I would, of course, prefer a world where that help doesn't need to be given in the first place, but frankly I usually feel honored and humbled when someone trusts me enough to confide such things to me.

If someone thinks I can help them with something, and they really do in fact need help with that thing, then I want to help them. I might not be able to help them as much as I'd like, but I want to help them as much as I can.

 

[GrimCo]

If it's a close friend i'll be there 110%, but outside of that I frankly don't want to be the 1st person some guy that I only know from D&D confides his trauma in for the first time. I mean, do you?

As someone who has been that 1st person, no, i don't wan't to be that person. Unfortunately, i have some experience with serious trauma and for some reason people seem to find me trustworthy enough to open up even when we aren't really good friends. It's both honor and great responsibility. I want to help, but most of the time, best i can do is listen to them and direct them to the professional help and help out with logistics (give them a ride, figure out how to pay for professional help including covering it myself partially). I've dealt with people with war related ptsd, SA and domestic abuse. It's not easy, especially when you aren't professionally trained to deal with those kinds of trauma.