Of Sound Mind the Halfling Way

[the Jester]

Searching the immediate surrounding areas of the sunken temple of the jerren, our heroes are disappointed to find no cornbread. Of course not, Erasmuz laughs inwardly. The only reason the buffoon who sold us the map knew to cry ‘cornbread’ was because I told him to.

There are more strange carvings of the great devouring fish-thing, which Nara identifies as Zaamel, a god of the dark depths, god of devouring. “I can kind of relate to that!” Naomi burbles. She is grotesque, growing ever fatter and more disgusting.*

On the wall of the chamber the Scyllan emerged from, an ancient halfling-sized corpse is impaled by his own harpoon. The figure wears full plate, a belt and a cloak, all of which radiate magic when our heroes check.

The party retreats to their ship, the Promised Land, before finishing their explorations of the place. They will rest and regain their spells first. Fighting the Scyllan took a lot out of them.

***

Morning. The sky grows pink, then orange. Another water breathing spell washes over everyone, and the party dives into the water again. Ari is a shark.

And there are other sharks in the water, too.

As the party swims down, two 20’ long sharks that are a dappled blue-grey in color swim in and charge at Erasmuz and Beau. There is a flurry of blood in the water; Erasmuz breaks free by casting water walk on himself, but Beau is seized in a shark’s mouth! He screams in agony as the terrible predator’s sharp, dagger-like teeth sink deep into his thighs. He struggles, but the other shark swims in and bites down on his upper body- ripping deep into his chest.

Beau’s screams (from inside the second dire shark’s mouth) are horrifying. Ari starts summoning a water elemental while the others move in on the sharks, but before our heroes can reach them, they tear Beau in two! A massive cloud of blood swirls between the two sharks in the water.

“NOOOOO!” cries Nara.

The water elemental appears, and it rushes forward to engage the sharks, but they are content; they have had a good snack. They withdraw, trailing bits of Beau’s viscera behind them.

“Beau,” whispers Nara. “Oh, no...”

***

There is some treasure; coins, trade bars, a rod and a pearl. The heroes take it. There is the altar that eats a silver piece; there are the graven images.

Back to the ship. Erasmuz persuades Captain Tarth to allow his skeleton on board after she judges his level of control over it, and the ur-priest puts it in the hold. Then back to Lox Pentor. They reach the port city a little after dark, move into the city and get a room. After a flurry of identify spells, our heroes divide up some of their recent acquisitions. Erasmuz gets the harpoon +4, Naomi gets the belt of giant strength +4, Ari gets the brain lock pearl, Nara gets the full plate +3, Rush gets the rod of ruin (which penalizes all saving throws within 60’ of it by -4), and Brother Yip is given the cloak of assistance (which gives all allies within 10’ of the wearer a +2 resistance bonus on saves and a +1 deflection bonus to AC, and allows the wearer to give an ally a +4 bonus, instead of the normal +2 bonus, when using the aid another action).

Rush immediately heads into town and sells the rod of ruin for 9,000 gp. He buys some exotic salt water cod and shellfish from a vendor named Clyde, then heads back to Lambs to meet everyone else for dinner. Once again the dinner is fantastic. The party really wants to meet the chef, but the servers seem disinclined to let that happen.

“We’ve got to know who this guy is,” insists Naomi. This is the best place to eat that our heroes have ever been. She sneaks off, concealing herself as best she can, and creeps into the kitchen, concealed as best she can be by the powers of her mind.

When she gets a glimpse at the chef, she is so shocked that she almost vomits.

He’s a dwarf.

Stunned, Naomi staggers back to her friends. Her mind is reeling. Dwarves are not exactly known for their cuisine. (In fact, the stuff they eat is what gives them their racial resistance to poison.)

At least the kitchen was staffed by halflings.

But a dwarf!

***

9/14/372 O.L.G., 9 a.m.

When our heroes awaken in the morning, they do so in delight, for a peach cobbler is in each of their rooms, one for each of them. Several of them dig in, only to find that they are poisoned. Once they begin to realize this, they hurry to wake the others and spread the alarm.

“Who- who tried to poison us?” wonders Nara.

“That isn’t very nice,” Federico whines.

“The Peachtrees?” suggests Jawbreaker.

“Or maybe the restaurant across the street,” Naomi muses. “Maybe they want to make sure that we can’t share their secret with anyone!”

“Well, how did the pies get here?” asks Ari. “Maybe the owner of this place is complicit!”

“All I know,” says Rush, “is that we had better find out.”

Next Time: Who tried to poison our heroes? What can they do about it? Find out!


*Naomi is on her way to a homebrewed prestige class called the Sarcophagic Slug. She started off by taking the Willing Deformity (obesity) feat (requiring Willing Deformity first).

 

[the Jester]

Poisoned by peach cobbler! What a foul start to the day- though the cobbler itself was quite delicious. But poison will turn the finest meal foul, and it does nothing for our heroes’ sense of safety that the poisoned cobblers were left for them inside thier rooms.

Who did it?

Our heroes have two immediate suspects. Across the street is the restaurant, Lamb’s, which is perhaps the finest eating establishment our little heroes have ever been to. It was just last night that Naomi managed to get a glimpse at the chef- who was, shockingly enough, a dwarf! Perhaps the restaurant wants to keep the party from telling anyone that their food is prepared by a dwarf?

Or, alternatively, it could be the Peachtree clan.

Long ago, on one of their first adventures, our heroes were employed to find out the secret of Benjy Peachtree’s jelly. The secret turned out to be a weird edible monster, and when the party confronted Peachtree, one of them- Airhead Ed- tried to steal his garen* and shot out one of his eyes. Later, during their adventures on the island of Dyshim, to the west of Strogass, our heroes met another Peachtree- Heather Peachtree. Jawbreaker tried to knock her unconscious and marry her, but there was a terrible accident, and Heather’s neck was broken, leaving her paralyzed from the neck down. The Peachtrees thus have little love for our heroes- and they were peach cobblers.

All right, then; clearly it is time to investigate. Our heroes send Ari into Lamb’s to check and see if the cobbler there is similar to the poisoned ones that our heroes found earlier. He returns and reports that “it could have been, but it would have been different... I just can’t be sure.”

“Let’s inquire as to where they get their pies,” suggests Nara. “After all, whoever made those cobblers had to get their peaches somewhere.”

The answer, it turns out, is from a group called the Mowlens. However, the restaurant simply buys the best peaches available at any given time. The party retreats back across the street to their inn, where they find one of the crewmen from their ship, the Promised Land, looking for them. “Someone shot Jarky!” the man exclaims. “With a crossbow, from below, on the pier!”

“Tell the captain to keep the ship safe,” Ari replies. “We’ll be along as soon as is possible, but first we have to track someone down.”

The party decides to go to the market. There are bound to be peaches for sale there; perhaps they will even get lucky and see something suspicious.

As it turns out, they do indeed get lucky: they spot a Peachtree, Frodo by name, selling peaches. Our heroes cluster around him and intimidate him thoroughly, but Frodo claims to know nothing. So our heroes give him a message to deliver to head of the local Peachtrees: Meet us for dinner. Let’s talk about this before things get uglier.

“Feel free to come yourself,” Nara invites Frodo.

The young Peachtree scampers away, frightened by our heroes’ serious and threatening demeanor. Smirking, Naomi says, “I hope they bring some pie for us- some un-poisoned pie! I love pie, especially when it’s wrapped in bacon.”

“Mmmm, pie wrapped in bacon,” sighs Nara.

Erasmuz starts to smile, but then he gives a strangled cry of surprise.

Nearby, a tower thrusts into the sky. Suddenly a window mid-way up it shatters as a figure hurtles out of it, crashing to the street below. Another form flies out afterwards.

Our heroes gape.

The thing is moving very quickly, and it is hard to get a clear view of it. However, it seems to be roughly spherical in shape, covered in spikey metal plates, with long spikeed tentacles that flail about the crowded city streets around it. There are screams of agony as pedestrians are sent flying in different directions, some of them still alive and some crushed by the powerful blows.

“What the hell is that?” Erasmuz gasps.

“I don’t know,” Naomi gurgles, “but it’s coming right for us!!”

Next Time: The flailing dreadnaught!


*A zebra-like mount.

 

[the Jester]

The creature flies without wings. It is a ball of death, with multiple flailing barbed tentacles emerging from it. It flies low through the crowd, lashing out, crushing and tearing and killing. A chorus of screams rises up from the rabble; those who can, scramble away.

The thing begins flying down the street, towards our heroes. The party begins shouting at people to clear the area and casting spells to prepare for battle. It is far enough away that Erasmuz casts create food and water, and the party has a quick sausage snack. Keeping a wary eye on the closing monster, the party hurriedly consumes a few sausages, with Erasmuz being sure to apply liberal amounts of condiments to his own helping.

As the flailing dreadnought gets closer, Ari summons an air elemental to slow it down. Everyone reluctantly stops eating and moves into fighting formation. The creature ignores the elemental and charges the group, first flailing at Naomi’s corpulent bulk (and triggering an energy retort which damages the creature in kind) and then suddenly giving off a blast of metal and spikes that wounds everyone rather severely!

But our heroes retort with a combination of spells and weapons. Ari charges with his spear; Erasmuz creates a spiritual weapon that strikes at the dreadnought. It reels. Nara, meanwhile, hurls a sound burst at the monster, damaging it further. Then, wincing from the creature’s spikey blast, she moves in with her morningstar. A moment of dueling and she lands a solid blow on its front section, and this is enough. The thing is already badly weakened; her morningstar’s blow is sufficient to disable it. It collapses to the ground, dying.

The party is pretty wounded, too; so they use what healing magic they have available to them to patch themselves up reasonably well before continuing along. Their next stop is the so-called “Small Quarter”, where the halflings and gnomes live together. They are to meet the Peachtree representative for dinner. Along the way, they spot the famed Slysneak Family Circus, and a fellow named Elmo Wheelwright sells them some high-grade halfling pipeweed.

“Erasmuz! You scoundrel!”

The party turns, and Erasmuz sees Alvin Slysneak, an old... acquaintance. They had met on the Plane of Shadow years ago; they had had similar goals but competing interestes, and each had set the other up. Since then, they had met up on several occasions, both as rivals and as allies.

“Come, my boy,” Alvin says smoothly, putting his arm around Erasmuz and ushering him away. “I may have... an opportunity that you would enjoy.”

Watching Alvin and Erasmuz walk away, the others can only shrug. “We still have to meet the Peachtrees for dinner,” Nara reminds the others. They nod and move along.

Ambush!

Suddenly Rush clutches at his breast and gives a great cry. An arrow is stuck in him.

“What... where...?” Federico whines.

“There!” shouts Naomi, pointing a pudgy finger at one of the buildings nearby. “I saw someone on the roof!”

The party dashes to the building, most of them climbing to the roof while Jawbreaker goes in the back door. It appears to be an apartment building. There is no one on the top of the building; however, there is an open trap door leading within.

Our heroes dash within. “There!” Yip shouts, and the party bum rushes a helpless bystander by accident. While Nara moves downstairs, the others dash into another door nearby- but there are many doors to many apartments in this place. There is no assassin visible.

Down below, Jawbreaker is hassled by a few toughs, but he cuts off their belts so that their pants fall down around their ankles. Nara comes up about then and bops one of them on the head from behind with her morningstar, so he goes to sleep while his friend decides that there is no need to hassle our heroes after all.

Naomi scans a few minds, but there is no sign of a would-be assassin. “He got away,” Jawbreaker says, disappointed. He plucks the crossbow bolt from Rush’s chest- the soulknife gasps in pain as he does so. Jawbreaker takes a long sniff of the bolt, catching the scent of the person who fired it.* “I will know him if we find him,” he announces.

“Who do you think that was?” wonders Nara.

Federico suggests, “Maybe the Peachtrees. Maybe they’re trying to, you know, solve the problem in an easier fashion.”

“While we’re on the way to meet them for dinner? That doesn’t make sense.” Naomi shakes her head, setting her chins a-jiggle.
“Well, it had to be someone,” Rock says. “That was an assassin.” He glares at his halfling friends. “You have interesting enemies.”

“Speaking of which,” mutters Federico. The restaurant comes into view.

Deep breaths. The party walks inside, and they are shown immediately to the back, where a well-set table surrounded by a hall dozen halflings awaits. One of them stands up. “Greetings,” he says. “My name is Madriel Peachtree. I’ll be speaking for my clan here tonight.”

The meal is huge.

Next Time: Dinner with Madriel!

*Jawbreaker has the scent SQ, due to his bear warrior prestige class.

 

[the Jester]

Just realized that I mixed up some first names there. Finndo is actually a Hodiddly, who we meet soon, and the Peachtree rep is Madriel. My bad, sorry!

 

[the Jester]

Dinner. Sumptuous. More courses than even a halfling can finish. From pigeon pie to braised chicken hearts, from grilled trout in lemon sauce to wild mushroom salad, from chilled fruit ice to roasted peppercorn ham. Platters of pastries and fruits are everywhere. Drinks, too, of course: wines (white, red, blush, yellow), juices (orange, apple, blackberry, tart raspberry), teas (spearmint, peppermint, licorice, cinnamon and cardamom, black, green, white), ales, meads, the milk of cows, goats and rothe, even simple water. Candles light the place. The serving pieces are extraordinarily ornate.

Our heroes and the Peachtree representative, Madriel, stare at each other as they chew on sausages and munch pastries. Finally, the negotiations begin.

Really, can’t you just lay off? is pretty much our heroes’ position and goal.

You started this, is the Peachtree reply.

“It wasn’t even one of us!” whines Federico. “It was Airhead Ed!”

Madriel’s shrug is quite eloquent. “You took Benjy’s eye and paralyzed Heather. Whether the individual who did so is still with you or not, you are all responsible.”

“Most of us weren’t even there for those events,” protests Ari.

Another eloquent shrug. “Anyway, it is up to the wronged parties- Benjy and Heather- to decide when their honor has been satisfied.”

The party attempts to press their case, and as they do so, halflings keep filtering in. The word is out: there’s a fat dinner to be had! This seems to disconcert the Peachtree, but as our heroes were the ones to put the word out, they are unsurprised. They keep asking every halfling that arrives to pull up a chair and join the dinner, the better to have witnesses against any unfortunate events that the presence of a witness might prevent from happening. Madriel frowns at first, but is soon chuckling at the audacity and creativity that our heroes have thereby shown.

Jawbreaker snorts disdainfully at Madriel. “Maybe we can solve feud with marriage,” he suggests.

Madriel cocks an eyebrow. “An interesting proposal,” he admits, “one that I will carry back to my clan.” He glances around at the witnesses. “It seems that this shan’t be resolved tonight, in any event.” He chuckles again. Pushing his chair back from the table, he folds his hands across his engorged belly. “Aahhhhhhh,” he sighs contentedly. “What a fine meal!” He pulls out and lights his pipe, mellowly puffing on it and sending out sweet clouds of pungent smoke. After a few minutes, he struggles to his feet. “Well, gentlemen, ladies,” he announces, “I’ll be going now. I’m sure that we shall meet again.”

With that, Madriel Peachtree and the bodyguards he has with him depart. The party watches him as he leaves.

“No point in letting good food go to waste,” belches Naomi, shoveling some more down.

One of the halfling strangers who has joined the party leans over to Jawbreaker. “Some kind of subtext there that I didn’t quite get,” he remarks. “But regardless, you folks are clearly a group of adventurers of some kind, right?”

Chief Jawbreaker gives him a bushy-browed look and a grunt.

”What do you say you guys meet me for lunch tomorrow?” he suggests. “I’m Finndo- Finndo Hodiddly. I might have a proposal for you.” He looks around. “I can’t take you somewhere fancy like this, but if you want to meet me at the Sea Lion around midday, I can treat you to some fine crab stew!”

Jawbreaker grunts again. This time he nods as well.

***

9/15/372 O.L.G., 2 p.m.

Nara whispers her invocation to Coila and issues a sending to Heather Peachtree. If she can forgive them, that’s half the battle, right?

On behalf of the Flapjacks we seek resolution with the Peachtrees. We seek peace, we seek the Promised Land. In order to find the Promised

Nara curses. Out of words, she realizes.

A moment later, Heather’s reply comes: There will be peace when I have my revenge.

“Damn,” Nara swears. “Well, it was worth a try.”

The party mills about the docks, waiting for their ship, the Promised Land, to arrive. An earlier sending, cast to summon Captain Tarth, should bear fruit within the hour, assuming that the ship ran into no trouble on the way.

Federico turns to Finndo. Since lunch, the Hodiddly has accompanied our heroes’ every move- and with good reason, since they will be traveling together, at least for a while. Our heroes have a call to answer: the call of Auntie Flapjacks, from whom Federico recently received a sending begging him to come home. “Are you sure that a sea vessel can travel up the river?” the kobold asks, not for the first time.

Finndo nods again, grinning. “Yes, I’ve sailed up into the Lofta myself back in better days.” He seems quite cheerful. “Although, really, it’s more of a canal until we reach the city of Diey.”

“And that’s where you’re going?”

Finndo nods yet again. “Yes. There is a stolen family heirloom that I need to recover.” He turns very serious; his smile hides behind a stern mien. “I will have it back.” Like the sun emerging from behind clouds, his smile pokes itself back out into view. “And if you could help me, I’d really appreciate it!”

“Look!” cries Nara suddenly, pointing out across the harbor. Though their short stature prevents them from seeing over much cover, by moving about and craning their necks, our heroes can make out the form of their approaching ship. Collectively, they smile.

“Well, we told you over lunch that we’d help you,” Naomi reminds Finndo. “We’re all halflings, after all.”

***

Soon they are back aboard their vessel. Captain Tarth nods at their new acquaintance; one can almost hear the mental sigh she heaves at having yet another halfling mouth to feed. When she hears their plan, though, she does not sigh; she just nods. “Aye, we can sail up the canal,” she confirms Finndo’s words. “I’ve seen bigger vessels do so before- albeit, not much bigger.”

So, for the next few days, our heroes cut into Strogass, the Dark Continent. As they head up the river, they move through mile after mile of flat land with only a few struggling scrubs and weeds living on it. The soil is infertile; some would say cursed. The canal- and a road that cuts rudely through what little vegetation does live here- is straight, as unbending as a brick. Here and there, they pass a small cluster of homes of stone and wood. Now and then, they see another boat, either gradually overtaking them or passing them in the opposite direction. At several points they seem the burnt remains of a ship beached on the edge of the canal. At one point, a trampled area holds broken spears and arrows and several dozen corpses wearing the remains of Imperial Strogassian uniforms.

“I wonder how Laodegan is doing,” comments Federico.*

There is, of course, no answer forthcoming.

The days are clear; the nights show a light dusting of clouds over the glitter of the stars. Up the canal they go, the Promised Land gliding through the slick green waters.

Soon enough, they reach Diey. Run down, full of beggars, a ramshackle city, Diey is the capitol of Stempa Province, although Lox Pentor is certainly a bigger and better city. “It has to do with their location,” Captain Tarth explains. “They’re right on the edge of the Lofta Forest. This means they have elves here. Elves who want to accumulate power have a lot more time to do it in than humans do. Thus, Diey is the capitol.”

“Interesting,” Federico says.

The party and Finndo disembark.

***

On the way to finish Finndo’s quest, our heroes make a single concerted push to finish off a group of rampaging goblins. The goblins, for the most part, cannot stand up to our heroes, though their dire lion pets do a fair job of both surprising and mauling our heroes. Their leader is a whip-wielding druid, who pulls a number of dirty druidic tricks (such as casting animal growth on the dire lions and using multiple summons), but try as he might, he cannot defeat our heroes. Finally, Nara finishes him off with a mighty blow of her mace. The party loots, frees the goblins’ prisoners, and heads back to town to escort the prisoners back to relative safety. Then they set out again the next morning, hoping to find Finndo’s lost heirloom. As their ship pulls away from the canal and into a real river, Captain Tarth squints back at Diey and shakes her head. “Waste of a place,” she grunts.

South they travel, moving days into the forest along the river. Nobody wants to get lost in there! Even so, they encounter a variety of creatures as they make their way along the river. A great plant tries to eat their succulent, tasty bodies; they manage to defeat it. They cross paths with a rather deranged halfling calling himself Strangelove, who joins them for a brief time. They encounter wasps far bigger than themselves; flame strikes from Ari and Rush’s powerful psychic blade turn the tide. Strangelove proves quite adept at the healing arts in this encounter, while the wasps prove tenacious and vicious. Our heroes, however, prove triumphant, and soon they are tying off to the shore to rest for the night. Many of them are fairly wounded, and Rush is in extremely poor shape. The group rests all day the next day, then leaves the following morning. The crew have to use poles to avoid some of the river’s obstacles; but nevertheless, the journey continues.

That night, while they are sleeping, the group is fireballed.

Next Time: Night time attack!


*Laodegan had been a human companion of the party’s briefly, long ago. He had been the son of some sort of noble or official or something (I don’t think the party ever figured out exactly who he was related to), and when the party encountered him subsequently, he seemed to be doing well, as he was in command of a ship.

 

[the Jester]

WHOOSH-BOOM!!!

Nobody notices anything coming until the fireball goes off. Strangelove is on watch, but he sees nothing- until the bead has blossomed into a beautiful yellow-red rose of flames all around him.

Naturally, the rest of the party awakens at this point. They are, after all, somewhat on fire and stuff.

Scrambling to their feet, groggy, the halflings pull up weapons, ready spells and powers- and are surprised to find that their fire-flinging foe is a troll. Three of the warty-skinned, wire-haired giants rise up from the nearby creek, one of them cackling and screeching commands to the others in Giant. The two charge.

Ari, Rush, Finndo, Strangelove and Rock meet their rush with weapons drawn, and a terrific struggle ensues. The troll sorceror bombards our heroes with various spells, but restrains herself from unleashing another fireball due to the proximity of her allies (brothers? Husbands? Brother-husbands? Who knows, with trolls).

The trolls are tough; clearly, they have fought their share of battles. But just as clearly, they were not expecting such fierce resistance from a group composed almost entirely of little halflings, and soon both of the fighters fall. The party turns their attention on the crone, who cackles in Strogassian, “You little ones are more formidable than I had expected!” With that, she flees underwater. Our heroes make a brief attempt at catching her, but venturing into the water- where, apparently, the troll sorceress is in her element, and our heroes certainly aren’t- sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Instead, our heroes try to burn the defeated trolls. Strangely, they do not burn; they seem waterlogged. Still, neither do they regenerate, so our heroes shrug and call it even.

***

Deeper, deeper into the woods the party goes, poling and rowing upstream. The woods are thick, and where the river narrows- which is for a lot of the trip- the foliage closes overhead, leaving the river in perpetual gloom.

As they journey, they have a brief clash with some kind of plant monster, but it is over in seconds. Finndo shows quite a talent with reciting poetics during this battle, and our heroes are heartened by his words, improving their prowess.

***

9/26/372 O.L.G., 11:45 p.m., resting in the Lofta Forest

Solid ground, a large fire, a bed that isn’t moving- these are nice things, so the halflings tends to make camp alongside the river while Captain Tarth and the crew stay on board. Everyone is asleep, except for the watch- and Finndo and Queffe, who are in the middle of a nice, long, quiet lovemaking session (nothing like constantly risking your life to fire up the blood!).

A loud voice suddenly calls out in Strogassian. “Ho there, little ones. You are in my wood. To pass, you must pay me tribute.”

Coitus interruptus, alas. Queffe and Finndo scramble apart, reaching for weapons. Ari- on watch- stands up. “Uh, who are you?”

There is a low laugh. “You wish to see me? Very well.” The words are followed by a slithering sound, and then- a long, sinuous form, reptillian and green, emerges into the light of the campfire. It has no wings, but otherwise looks like some kind of dragon.

The rest of the party is scrambling to their feet and pulling out their own weapons, but the dragon rushes forward and strikes Rush a blow with one of its claws. “TRIBUTE!!” it roars.

Blood has been drawn. Our heroes will not let that pass unanswered. They attack. The dragon, much like the trolls before it, soon proves surprised by the level and quality of resistance that the halflings put up. Soon it is on the defensive, and then it is trying to escape. But Rush’s strange psychic blade catches it in the back, and the thing roars and staggers and falls, dead.

“Damn!” exclaims Ari. “A dragon!”

“I don’t think it’s a true dragon,” Strangelove answers. “Look, no wings. I think it was some kind of drake.”

“Either way,” Finndo says cheerfully, “in the morning we should backtrack its trail and try to find its lair!”

Indeed, when the day breaks and the adventurers rise, that is exactly what they do. The ship waits where it is while the party moves inland, following the drake’s trail until they find a sinkhole with a cave leading off from it. The lair in the cave proves to have some loot in it, which our heroes naturally appropriate.

Then it’s back to the ship, and further upstream.

***

9/27/372 O.L.G., 11:00 a.m., on the river

“We should be nearing Stetva,” Captain Tarth says. “If my estimation is correct, we should pass through it sometime late this afternoon.”

“Captain!” someone cries from the crow’s nest. “A boat is coming!”

Our heroes crowd on deck, and Captain Tarth takes up a spyglass. In a minute, a small boat holding a quartet of well-armed elves comes into view. Soon enough they are close enough to hail the Promised Land, but as they reach that distance, they back oars and halt in the water, maintaining their distance.

“Travelers,” one of the elves calls. “Soon you will pass by Stetva. Pass it by. Do not stop.” The elven boat begins to reverse course.

“Why not? Is there plague?” Ari shouts back.

“Visitors are not presently welcome,” is the reply. “Just pass by! Do not stop!”

Our heroes exchange looks with each other. The elven boat is moving much faster than the larger vessel that our heroes are on. Soon it is out of view.

“Right,” sighs Captain Tarth. “I guess there’s nowhere big that’s friendly before we get to the Stern Mountains, then.”

“How far is that?” asks Queffe.

“We aren’t yet half way.”

Next Time: Captain Tarth is right, there’s nowhere friendly that’s big coming up- but there is... Squirrel Town!

 

[the Jester]

Squirrel Town

Nara, Queffe, Rush, Chief Jawbreaker, Erasmuz and Naomi are on the deck of the Promised Land, their ship, which is navigating upriver, heading inland. To their left is the elven city of Stetva, which they have been warned not to approach. They sigh regretfully as they pass it by.

“Damn,” breathes Queffe, “it’s a shame that they won’t let us stop in.”

Rush shrugs. “We could kill some of them,” the human says callously.

“No! We leave them alone,” Jawbreaker says sharply.

The city passes. The few elves that are visible are armed and do not look especially friendly. Jawbreaker snorts. Naomi snacks on some sausage.

Up, up the river. Captain Tarth is quietly annoyed with the folk of Stetva, but within the woods it would be unwise to pick a fight with the elves. They are lucky, in fact, that the elves did not try to simply sink their ship and kill them all. But as the afternoon draws late, a small vessel appears ahead, drawing near the halfling ship.

“Hear me, Big Ones!” cries a small voice from the approaching boat. The halfing party exchanges startled looks, which break into grins. The voice comes again: “Please, I implore you- help my people!”

The boat is roughly the size of a human bathtub. Our heroes peer closer, and discover the origin of the voice: a humanoid squirrel about 2’ tall!

“Well, hello!” exclaims Nara. “We may be willing to help your people. Would you like to come aboard to tell us more?”

“Very well,” the squirrel girl replies, and within a few moments her boat is aboard the Promised Land.

“What are you?” asks Naomi frankly. She licks her lips hungrily, and Jawbreaker gives her a sharp look.

“I’m a kercpa,” the squirrel girl answers. “And my village is in trouble! We are troubled by a terrible large mean thing! Please, our king and queen will tell all- will you help us?”

“We not like big things picking on little things,” Jawbreaker growls. “We help.”

***

The kercpa village is in and around the trees. It is the first time that our heroes have been somewhere significantly underscale for them. It is a weird feeling- they are the Big Ones now. Although, when the tale comes, the giant troubling them is bigger, by far. Still-

“We’ve killed giants before,” remarks Jawbreaker casually. “We handle him for you, no problem.”

“We don’t want him killed,” the kercpa king tells them.

“Huh??”

“He has protected us for years. Recently, something has made him very angry with us. We need to know what, and to fix it.”

“He protects you?” Nara’s voice carries disbelief.

“Yes. We make his beer, so as long as we keep him happily drunk, he doesn’t cause us any trouble, and he keeps trouble away from us.”

“You make beer?” Naomi cocks an eyebrow.

“Yes,” the kercpa replies, “from acorns. Would you like to try some?”

***

The acorn beer, though bitter, is fairly potent. It is a novel experience for our heroes, who have never had such a thing before. The squirrel-folk serve the party nuts and berries, as well, and though it is a token gesture before halfling hunger, it is touching. While the party nibbles on the kercpa food, they discuss the best way to proceed. Clearly, they need to find this giant and interrogate him if they are to find out the source of his anger. Erasmuz asks where the giant receives his beer, and the kercpa queen tells him that it is left for him at the edge of a nearby bog.

“Well, that’s where we need to go then,” the ur-priest replies. He strokes his goatee. “Maybe Jawbreaker can track him.”

The party stands up (they have been sitting on the ground or various branches). “All right,” Nara says, “let’s go.”

Next Time: On the trail of the giant!

 

[the Jester]

The feet of a giant, naturally, are quite large. That makes tracking a giant... not too difficult. From the marshy bog where the kercpa leave him his beer, our heroes have no problem picking up his trail. The large flat feet lead the party of halflings over a lonely crag on a nearby hill of tumbled rocks and broken boulders dusted by a few inches of soil in places. The struggling bushes and scrubs that scrabble at the hillside seem barely able to eke out a plant’s living; several of the young oak trees along the way seem to have given up and died. Beyond the crag, our heroes find a field of yellow flowers- with a clear walking path running through it.

“How big do you suppose the giant is?” Nara wonders aloud.

Jawbreaker grunts. “Ten and a half feet,” he replies.

The path leads across the field and to a lower area. Much like the first bog, this is a wet, swampy area. Nara water walks the party, and they proceed. Naomi, gnawing on a chicken bone, mindlinks everyone as the air starts to turn misty. In only a few minutes, the atmosphere changes from clear to thick fog.

“Is this natural?” mutters Queffe.

Ari sniffs the air. “Seems like it,” he answers. “The water on the ground tends to put some of itself into the air in places like this.”

Suddenly a loud crack emanates from the mist ahead, followed by a loud snuffing sound.

“What was that?” exclaims Erasmuz.

Shhh, Naomi sends over the mindlink. She starts to creep forward, her immense bulk surprisingly quiet, given her size. Let’s see if we can sneak up on it, whatever it is! As she tiptoes forward, her dainty (well, not really) cankles shivering like gelatin, something ahead of her starts to resolve from the mist. There are several shapes, bigger than a halfling- probably larger than a human! The crunching sound comes again, and Naomi realizes what it is: They’re chewing on bones, she thinks. Well, in a few minutes, maybe we can eat them! She throws her hands forward and cries an invocation to the power of Elemental Fire. Blazing heat runs through her body, leaving her flush with ecstasy and agony at the same time- and a bead of flame rips out of her finger and spurts forward, exploding in a fireball in the midst of the shrouded shapes!

The mist burns away for a moment, and as the beasts scream in shrill agony, Naomi can see them: large upright reptiles, with huge jaws and thick, dangerous-looking tails.

“Come on, guys!” Naomi whoops. “I think we’ve got some good eatin’ here!!!”

The party leaps to the attack, and though the dinosaur-like creatures bite and swing their tails at the party, the battle lasts only a few moments. Between Naomi’s magical and psionic powers, Queffe’s dervish dance- which she demonstrates for the first time in this battle- and the general overwhelming melee might of the party, the beasts are soon slain or driven off. A few moments examining their corpses leaves Naomi disgusted. “Too tough,” she announces. “Tastes a bit like gator. Maybe if we could find their young...”

Jawbreaker snorts disdainfully. “We have mission,” he reminds his corpulent companion. “You get distracted too easy.”

Queffe nods. “Yeah, we’ve got to find this giant for the squirrel folk.”

Naomi sighs regretfully, but when Erasmuz and Jawbreaker find the giant’s trail, she follows along behind.

***

“There,” Erasmuz whispers. The mindlink has long since worn off.

The crude hut stands in the midst of a grove of tall oaks. It seems fairly well hidden from, at least, casual observation. It is clearly not the abode of a sophisticated folk- nor is it the abode of a small, or even man-sized, creature. The doorway- well, entry way, rather, since there doesn’t seem to be an actual door- looks ready to accomodate someone about ten or eleven feet high.

Jawbreaker grunts. “Let’s go,” he growls.

The party heads towards the hut. It takes but a moment to get there; and within, there is indeed a giant. It looks up as our heroes stride in to confront it. Its face is dull with stupidity; its brow is as thick and dense as Jawbreaker’s forearm. The stench of its body odor, mixed with piss and acorn beer, is dizzying.

The giant rumbles something in its crude tongue, but before it even has a chance to finish its question (for it is clearly speaking in an interrogative tone), Rush leaps forward and slams his mind blade into the giant’s face! It gives out a startled cry as its front teeth are knocked completely free of its head.

“No!” roars Jawbreaker. “No kill it!”

“It must surrender!” Rush cries in response, but the giant throws a punch at him. Its hand is the size of a small dog. Rush gives another cry, this one of pain and surprise, as he flies back, slamming into the wall of the hut with astounding force. He groans in pain, realizing his jaw is broken. Then the giant is right on top of him, trying to rip his foot off!

“Stop!” shouts Nara. “This won’t help anything! We need to talk to him, not kill him!”

“I can handle it, if you can help me talk to it,” Naomi gurgles. In a few seconds Nara has cast tongues on her. Then Naomi smiles sweetly. “Stop it,” she suggests, and the giant draws back, startled. It glares at Rush, then drops him- still intact- to the floor with a grunt.

“Now,” Erasmuz says, “maybe we can figure out what is wrong with his beer!”

Next Time: Why is the giant angry? What’s wrong with his beer, and who is responsible? All the answers- next time!

 

[the Jester]

The giant is dull-witted and as dim as a darkness. He proves easy to control with the combined mind-affecting abilities of Naomi, Federico, Erasmuz and Nara.

“So what’s wrong with your beer?” asks Federico. Naomi, under the influence of Nara’s tongues spell, translates.

“It tastes funny,” the giant whines. “Like someone piss in it.” He frowns angrily. “I show them not to piss in beer! They want my protection, they must earn it!”

“Who would piss in the giant’s beer?” wonders Erasmuz.

“And why?” Jawbreaker adds. He frowns. “We have to investigate back at squirrel town.”

“Maybe I can appease the giant,” Naomi says. “What’s the best beer or liquor we have in the party?”

The group digs through their stores, and comes up with a bottle of dwarven spirits. Naomi pours a generous cup for the giant and instructs him to try it. “Did you like that?” she asks.

He smacks his lips and nods.

Naomi walks over to the keg of beer that the giant is displeased with and puts a drop of the dwarven spirits on her tongue. Then she channels the power of elemental water. It blazes through her body, and she grits her teeth against the power flowing through her. Then there is a flash of energy that flows into the piss-tainted beer, and Naomi’s metamorphose liquids takes effect, changing the beer into dwarven spirits!

“There you go,” she beams. “Now, we’re going to find out who did this and take care of it. It wasn’t the squirrel folk- they asked us to help make you happy, because they don’t want you to be unhappy. They like you.” She speaks slowly and clearly, and the dull-eyed giant listens attentively, but who can say whether he really understands her? She sighs internally, and thinks, Well, I’ve done what I can to help ensure that he doesn’t hurt the kercpa.

The party hurries back to the squirrel town, where they speak to the same kercpa that dispatched them initially. He chitters in surprise at their news. “Who would do this?” the squirrel man cries. “Surely, none of our people! And who else would have had access?”

Federico hems and haws for a moment. Then, thoughtfully, he asks, “Do you leave cookies and milk out for your fey?”

“What? Well, we used to leave cheese out, but...”

“Ohhhh,” says Federico, “you used to. When did you stop?”

“Well...”

“About the same time as the trouble with the giant started, I bet?”

“Actually... now that you mention it...”

“That’s it,” the kobold pronounces firmly. “You’ve offended your fairies. They’re peeing in the beer to pay you back. You need to leave them their favorites out again. Cheese, or cookies, and milk, or mead, or whatever they like.”

“And... and you think that that will make them happy again?”

“You’ll probably have to apologize,” opines Nara.

“Yeah, and maybe do something for them,” Queffe adds, gyrating suggestively.

The party and the squirrel folk discuss their approach to making nice with the fey. Finally, it is decided that the halflings will wait near the offerings, with one of them always on watch, and will try to talk to the fey when they come for the cheese. “We can verify that they’re the cause of the problem,” Queffe says, “and find out what has to happen to smooth it over.”

***

Just outside of the kercpa town, 2 a.m.

Naomi yawns. It’s her watch, and she’s sleepy; so to keep herself awake, she was snacking on some rabbit stew. It was quite tasty; now all that’s left is the bowl, which she buries her face in, her slug-like tongue pressing against the side of the bowl, lapping up every last remnant of food and grease.

With a satisfied belch, the repulsive jerren puts the bowl down. Then she glances at the bait- and is gratified to find a fairy at the cheese!

“Hello!” Naomi calls. “We mean you no harm! Stay a while, and talk!” She pushes with her mind, turning her last words into a suggestion. The fey hesitates, its gossamer insect wings beating the air, and then settles onto the ground next to the cheese and starts nibbling.

Naomi kicks the others awake. “So, uh, is it your folk that are pissing in the beer these folks make for the giant?”

“Yeah,” the fey answers, and giggles. “They haven’t been giving us our due!”

“We know,” the fat halfling replies. “We’re trying to help put things right. That’s why there is cheese out tonight.”

“Mmm, it’s good,” the fairy interjects.

“Good, good.” The other halflings are rising quickly.

“So, uh, will there be anything else that you require to restore the status quo?” Nara asks.

“Oh, well, as to that,” the fairy drawls, “yeah, the kercpa have already offended us. Now they need to do us a favor.”

“What favor?” asks Chief Jawbreaker.

“We need the bad gardner disposed off.”

“The who?” Queffe cocks her head.

“The bad gardner,” the fairy replies. “He has a bad garden. Fairies go in and don’t come out. The plants are... wrong, too.”

“Uh huh,” saya Erasmuz. “I bet we can help you out with that, buddy.” He grins.

***

The bad gardner turns out to be an evil druid, accompanied by a dire wolf. The battle when they meet is fast and furious; the dire wolf pulls Jawbreaker from his feet and savages him, and the bad gardner uses his druidic magic to try to poison him; but Nara, augmented by the power of her goddess, Coila, rushes into melee after first unleashing a flame strike. Queffe and Erasmuz leap into the battle too, and in a few short moments it is over.

That night, after the party places the bad gardner’s head on the offering place for the fairies, the fey folk come out and thank our heroes. “All is forgiven,” they sing, giggling. “We won’t pee in the giant’s beer any more!”

“Well, I guess that worked out,” remarks Nara.

“Sure did, buddy,” Erasmuz replies.

Our heroes continue their journey inland towards the area in which they hope to find the Flapjacks. The party is returning to where their adventures started.

That night, while he is sleeping, Federico shudders, as if caught in the grip of a terrible nightmare spawned by memory or premonition- or both.

Next Time: The secret of the sour cream!

 

[the Jester]

The day is overcast and there is a light breeze. A few trees dot the landscape, which is increasingly dominated by long thin grass. One of these trees, Ari ascends. He looks about from a fairly high perch and takes in the surrounding area, getting an idea of the nearby features. Several miles away is a mid-sized town, which seems to be belching foul yellow smoke into the air. A huge smear of brown besmirches the air for miles around it. There is a small village not far past it; what looks like a halfling wagon is approaching it. In the distance, further south, the Stern Mountains rise up from the ground. Somewhere, in that direction, our heroes will- hopefully- find the Flapjacks clan.

After Ari scrambles back down the tree and reports, the party decides to skip over the polluted town and instead seek out the halflings heading towards the village. They marched cheerfully towards the village, reaching it in about an hour and a half. They have no trouble finding the hafling wagon. The halflings greet the party happily- “It’s always good to see others of our kind,” one of them squeals.

”Have you guys seen the Flapjacks at all lately?” asks Federico.

The halflings from the wagon are Goodwheels. A young, handsome fellow scratches his chin and says, “Well, we ran across them a few months ago... but not since then.”

“Oh yeah?” Federico squirms happily. “Where were they?”

“Along the base of the Stern Mountains,” the lad replies.

“So what are you guys doing here?” asks Naomi, gnawing on a piece of jerky.

Two of the Goodwheels exchange a glance. One of them says, “There is a cooking contest here, and we’re checking it out.”

“The truth is,” the other one says, “there’s someone specific we are kind of... interested in.”

“Really?” asks Nara. “Another halfling?”

“No, a human. Her name is Taksha.” He sighs. “We want to know what her secret ingredient is!”

“I’m telling you,” the other Goodwheel says, “it’s something in the sour cream. She does something weird with it. Or maybe she uses the milk of some weird kind of creature or something.”

“Well, we’ll be happy to try to help figure out the answer for you guys.” Nara grins. Rush heaves a sigh and shakes his head; he’s only here to kill things for the party, not taste test sour cream.

But to a band of halflings, taste testing sour cream sounds great. They attempt to be appointed judges in the contest, only to find that it is already over. Fortunately, the town’s tradition is to leave all of the entered food dishes out for public consumption, and so our heroes get to try a number of delicious entrees. One of them- the winning dish- is a delicious layered meat and sour cream dish, and indeed, the sour cream is very good, faintly spicy, with an interesting, unidentifiable tang to it.

“What is that?” Erasmuz wonders. “Some kind of spice?”

“That isn’t cow cheese,” Naomi mumbles around a bite.

“Goat?” asks Nara.

The fat one shakes her head. “No,” she belches, “not goat either. I’m not really sure.”

Ari frowns. He nibbles at it. “Hmm...” He puts his piece down, barely touched. He looks thoughtful while he masticates. Rubs his chin. Swallows. It’s not a cow, but certainly it’s from something cow-like. And it almost seems like it’s part-human, too. He examines a few possibilities in his mind. Then, he pronounces, “It’s from a minotaur.”

”What?” exclaims Rush, looking slightly green.

“The sour cream. It’s from minotaur’s milk.”

“That’s... bizarre!” Nara bursts out, rather at a loss for words. “Why would... what reason... and how, I mean, does someone have a she-minotaur who he... like, milks, or something?” Well, maybe not a loss for words, but certainly for complete sentences.

“Yeah, that doesn’t make too much sense at all, now that you mention it.” Ari looks puzzled, too.

“Well, buddies,” Erasmuz suggests, “let’s ask the human.”

***

But as soon as the human realizes that they’re on to her, she jumps out the window of her room at the inn. And when they race to the window and look outside, she’s nowhere in sight.

“Wow, she’s quick,” Erasmuz remarks.

“Or invisible somehow,” Nara replies.

“Huh,” shrugs Rush. “We should have killed her.”

“We can’t just go killing everyone who doesn’t want to talk to us,” Ari says.

“Why not? This is Strogass.”

“That’s true,” Ari admits.

***

Out of the village, then; and on towards the mountains. The town that is spewing pollution into the sky is passing to the east, and Ari turns into a hawk to examine it from above. The air near it is foul. The land around it seeks wilted. A strong stream runs into the town, but some weird kind of water wheel turns it into a trickle of a creek, and a polluted one at that, with slicks of yellow-brown sludge clinging to the edge of the water wheel and dangling downstream like long tails. Some kind of refinery belches smoke from multiple tall smokestacks into the sky. The air is behazed with greasy soot-like material.

Ari returns to the others and tells them what he saw. “I think we should go in and destroy that water wheel,” he says. “That refinery, too. They don’t need to be doing that- despoiling nature like that!”

“I agree!” Rush cries, mostly because he wants to get into a fight. “It’s time we killed something!”

“Sure, buddy,” Erasmuz grins. “Let’s go do it!”

Next Time: Our heroes wreck a town, then run into... Holstein!