Of Sound Mind the Halfling Way

[the Jester]

Up the Slither-Ramp

11/13/372 O.L.G., 10 a.m., the old mines inside Steeple Mountain

Our heroes return to the guts of Steeple Mountain. They go back to the hell hound kennel (which, you recall, still has one unexplored exit leading from it). Just to be safe, they return to the goblin guard room that they last fought in and search for secret doors, but none turn up. Then they return to the kennel and take the unexplored path. It winds and branches into more mine shafts. Federico groans, “This could take forever.” His tail tucks itself between his legs. They proceed, following the left wall. Shortly, they come around a corner into a lit room. The entire far wall is hewn into an immense, 80’ wide statue of a dagon, rearing up, wings spread, staring down at all in the room. Its eyes have been pried out. In front of it is a gigantic copper bowl, easily 10’ across at the rim and about 8’ high. A great, leaping fire is in the bowl, giving off the light that fills the room. The walls bear intricate carvings. Something in the room smells delicious. Like peaches.

A huge figure turns ponderously around to face the party.

It smells so tasty...

It is about ten feet high, and as broad (proportionally) as a dwarf. Yet it is orange and moist-looking and sugary sweet.

“It’s a peach golem!” shouts Ari. He steps to the fore of the party and blasts it with a flame strike, but to his surprise, the only effect is to make it smell even tastier. The scent is quite distracting, but all of our heroes are able to focus past it, ignoring what might otherwise be unforunate effects.

Rush steps forward, activating his mind blade. Yip flips past him and lands a solid punch on the peach creature, leaving an indentation in it that slowly starts to leak what looks like peach syrup.

“Be careful!” warns Yip, struggling for a second before pulling his fist away from it. “It’s sticky!”

“That’s perfect!” replies Erasmuz. He pulls out his harpoon. “I don’t care if it gets stuck to this!” He throws- and misses. Shaking his head and clucking his tongue, he reels the harpoon back in for another try.

Towards the back of the party, Ari calls up a great snake to attack the golem. It appears and immediately moves in, curling around the golem only to get stuck to it! Since it is a constrictor, it seems okay with this, and it begins to crush the peach golem. Syrup starts leaking out all over the snake.

Rush is right on the kobold’s heels. He ignores Yip’s warning, but to his dismay, his mind blade sticks to the creature!* He lets go and steps away, and the blade dissipates, but the monster oozes towards him, trying to engulf him! He jumps back, and it cannot really pursue because of the snake.

“That smells so tasty,” Federico sighs aloud, then titters. He fires his crossbow and reloads, then moves to a better position to shoot again. He notes several spells fail to have any effect upon the golem. “Its a golem!” he shouts. “They’re usually immune to most magic- but one or two spells will affect them! If we could figure out what, and what they would do to it-“

“Bah!” Rush interrupts disdainfully. “We kill it the old-fashioned way!” This time, when he forms his mind blade, he forms two of them- dagger sized- and he steps up and attacks like mad, hoping to hold on to at least one of his mind blades. Though he loses both blades by the time he is done, he lands several solid blows against the monster.

The peach golem vomits forth a mass of sweet-smelling, steaming hot peach-derived gelatinous stuff at Rush, but he leaps aside and it misses him, splattering against the wall behind him in a sticky explosion. Then it starts trying to squeeze the life out of the snake, which is crushing it badly. Chunks of peach are falling out of its body, as well as an ever-widening pool of syrup. The smell is maddeningly delicious. Clearly, the golem is in bad shape. Erasmuz hurls his harpoon again, and this time it is enough to slay the peach monster! It shakes, shudders, spills more peaches, and collapses.

Immediately, Erasmuz sits down. “Who wants some peach golem?”

Federico joins him eagerly.

“No thanks,” Ari replies. “I don’t trust it.”

“Are you kidding? The Peachtrees must have made this. It’ll be delicious!”

The druid shrugs. “Whatever. No thanks.”

“Suit yourself.”

***

Closer examination of the carvings on the wall show a multitude of scenes on individual panels. In every panel, the dragon that used to terrorize the nearby town of Bellhold is shown as a benevolent father, overseeing the mining operation and rewarding the faithful. In payment, many offerings are made to the dragon, all put into or near the huge copper bowl. For some reason, one of the panels shows two dragons accepting offerings. Beneath it is an inscription: Worship and praise him, for he is a just and true God. Touch him only with thine thoughts, for he shall not be sullied by thy earthy hand. View him only with thine eyes, if we wish not to face him in judgment alone. His wrath is mighty, and while he descends from the mountaintop to praise, also does he punish the lazy and untrue.

“Interesting,” remarks Yip. Rush gives him a funny look.

“Copperdeath, that was his name,” Federico calls from around a mouthful of peach cobbler style golem. “Ohh, I’m so full.” He sighs and stands up and stretches.

“Let us go,” Rush urges. “I wish to kill things, to lessen my debt to you.”

“Remember,” Federico declares, “no killing halflings.”

“Not you,” nods the soulknife.

“Not any,” Federico insists. “We need to patch things up with the Peachtrees, not give them further cause to hate us.”

Rush shrugs.

Federico sighs.

***

There are three exits from the room, but all lead to twisting mine shafts. They follow several of these, only to find that they intersect with the passages leading from the kennel to the peach golem room. They have gone in a circle.

They return ot the peach golem chamber and consider their options. Federico casts detect secret doors, and to his delight, he detects one! “It’s behind that dragon statue,” he moans.

The party spends some time trying to figure out how to get the humungous statue to move, but they can’t find any kind of mechanism or trigger. After a while, they settle on waiting until after they rest so that Ari can cast stone shape. And then, since they seem to have run out of other places to explore, they settle in to camp.

***

Something has felt them in the twisting recesses of the mine tunnels.

For now, it waits. It can feel the ground thrumming beneath their feet as they set their camp up. And it can feel the goblins making preparations against them. It will let the goblins try first.

If they fail, it will destroy them all.

The horrible thing gurgles and spurts up a mass of foul slime that slops back down onto it pustulent surface.

It will sacrifice them, in the name of Juiblex.

***

11/14/372 O.L.G., 8:30 a.m.

Our heroes wake, eat breakfast, limber up and then move over to the statue. Ari applies his druidical magic and stone shapes an opening in the dragon statue’s wing, where the secret door is concealed. Then it is simply enough to open the passage beyond, which is a 20’ wide, damp hallway that curves off to the left and upward. The sound of falling water is somewhere up ahead, around the corner. An empty copper bathtub is pushed roughly against one wall. The floor is covered in tarnished green sheets of copper.

The party proceeds around the corner- and runs into a goblin barricade.

Ten goblins, one of them better-equipped than the rest, wait behind a mass of wood and stone piled high. Behind it they have built a ramp, and on this ramp is a barrel of oil, which they forthwith light and lever up and over the barrier at the party.

They don’t have a chance.

Our heroes dodge the oil and slay or drive away the goblins in only a few moments. They seemed to be guarding the base of the great slither-ramp that spirals in an ascent around a falling shaft of water. The ground is slick and the air is full of mist, but at least there is light: the water itself glows.

As the party ascends the ramp, they are opposed by more groups of goblins. Erasmuz laughs madly, animating their own dead and having them intercept the barrels of oil with their bodies for the next two groups. The third, final band guarding the ramp is a little stronger than the others, but even they fall quickly and easily to the party (this time Erasmuz himself intercepts the oil barrel, under the influence of a resist fire spell).

They step out above, in a nearly circular room about 60’ in diameter. A slice of it is cut into a passageway leading further into the mountain.

“Let’s hope we don’t have to kill too many more goblins,” sighs Ari.

“Yes,” Rush replies, “they are too easy to kill.”

“Hey, buddies, look!” Erasmuz points. The hallway is well-lit by the glowing water behind them; at its end, some 70’ away, there is a wide window into another space. From here, he cannot see into it.

***

Behind them, dark amusement rises in the burbling, oozing creature stalking them. It begins to move quickly, ascending the last couple of circuits around the ramp and following the vibrations of the party’s movements. The goblins have failed. Now it is my turn.

It feels the intruders step off of the ramp and into the hallway. They hesitate- probably having seen the window at the end of the hallway. The creatures surges forward like a wave of effluvia, rushing up the last curl of the slither-ramp with sinister speed.

Our heroes are just beginning to advance down the hallway when a terrific stench, like a mix of vegetation, disease and acid fumes, hits them from the direction of the slither-ramp, and they turn as one to see what the hell that is all about. Rising like a tidal wave of sewage is a gargantuan mass of nauseating slime, aswim with baleful crimson eyes.

And the wave crashes down on them.

Next Time: Our heroes against the nasty sludge-monster of Juiblex!

*I know some people might be going “huh?” here, but yes, a mind blade is a physical object (“semi-solid”). We spent a few minutes looking this up during the peach golem fight to check, and both Rush’s player and myself as the dm agreed that it looked like it would be a solid enough object to get stuck, since it can be broken.

The blade can be broken (it has hardness 10 and 10 hit points); however, a soulknife can simply create another on his next move action. The moment he relinquishes his grip on his blade, it dissipates (unless he intends to throw it; see below).

 

[Krud]

Poor PCs, spending resources for no xp

Well that slime thing should be worth something

 

[the Jester]

Poor PCs, spending resources for no xp

Hey, the lower-level guys got a pittance out of the mid-level goblins, and some of the gobbos were as high as CR 9 or 10!

Well that slime thing should be worth something

Ooooh yes.

 

[the Jester]

KABLOOSH!!!

A tsunami of foetid filth rushes up to- and then breaks upon- our heroes. It burbles and squirts effluvia as it thunders forward, slamming into all of them, knocking Nara and Erasmuz from their feet and leaving Naomi coated in disgusting, reeking slime that immediately sprouts tentacles and begins attacking her.

“Not this again!” she cries.

Her fire retort triggers, blasting out at the monstrous wave of gelatinous sludge as it rushes over and past the party. The flames lick out, but they have no obvious effect.

“Gahh!” cries Nara. “This is disgusting!!” She casts freedom of movement, hoping to keep herself from becoming engulfed and swept away by the horrific ooze (? or whatever it is). Three baleful red eyes glare from within the massive, gelatinous creature. It swings around to make another pass at the party.

“By the gods!” Erasmuz cries in horror. “This thing is gross!” Unable to withstand the stench of the monster, he turns and flees down the hallway, struggling to keep his gorge from rising into his throat and out his mouth. But if I vomit on myself, he thinks, at least I’ll smell better than I do covered in that thing!

Naomi, meanwhile, is under a terrific assault from the tentacles that have grown from the slime coating her body. She staggers as she is struck over and over, but her energy retort fires back, and soon the sludge upon her has burned to ash and cracked bits of solid waste. She tries to get away from the monster, but it smacks her in the face as she moves, dealing another mighty blow to her! She staggers for a moment, tasting blood, and cries out. When her mouth falls open, three shattered teeth- her front teeth- fall free from it! Blood pours down her face, and she gasps in pain.

Chief Jawbreaker attacks, but he can’t seem to do significant damage to it. His axe cleaves through its watery substance easily enough, but barely does any damage. He growls angrily, but when the bright flash of a flame strike cast by Nara comes down and burns away a sizeable chunk of the monster, he nods in satisfaction. Even if his blade won’t do the trick, his companions can, and he can run interference for them, if nothing else.

And maybe if he hits it just a little harder...

The monster turns its attention on the Chief, since he is standing in its way, and begins to bludgeon him mercilessly. Jawbreaker just leans into it stoically, wrinkling his nose at the rank stench rising from it. He can take it.

Naomi is in substantially worse shape, and both Nara (using a wand) and Erasmuz move to heal her. As they do, Naomi unleashes a fire wave at the churning, burbling monstrosity. There is another sizzle of cooking waste and filth; even Naomi nearyly throws up from the strength of it. But this time, the immense wave of filth rears back, emitting a strange, whistling shriek, and then collapses into a burning pile of disgusting waste.

“Is it dead?” cries Erasmuz, from down the hallway.

“Yeah,” Nara calls back. The ur-priest slinks back to the others, and the party spends a few minutes tending wounds before continuing onward.

70’ from the entryway, where the party had thought it ended, the wide hallway turns. At the elbow, however, is what looks like a window of thick glass, behind which is visible another chamber. That chamber appears empty of obvious items of interest, whereas the passage continues along past the turn, ascending at an angle of about 15 degrees. Moreover, the passage beyond the turn has a row of stone statues of warriors running down each side of it, leaving only a narrow corridor for the party to walk down. Some of the statues seem damaged or are destroyed.

After our heroes have a quick snack, they proceed, Jawbreaker leading the way.

About halfway down the hallway, he steps on a pressure plate. There is a subtle click, followed by a much more obvious- a much more ominous, and extremely LOUD- rumble. Or, rather, a RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE Crash RUMBLERUMBLERUMBLE, as a huge ball hewn from stone rolls out of the celing, crashes down to the floor, and begins rolling pell-mell down the sloping passageway at our heroes, smashing some of the statues as it comes.

Erasmuz dives to the very corner of the room, ducking behing one of the statues, and manages to evade the boulder. Likewise, Nara slips forward in time a few seconds, and avoids the boulder that way. The others are less fortunate, being plowed through by the massive round stone. Tough as they are, nobody dies; but as they begin to gather their wits about them to try to heal up a little, a flickering light from down the hall alerts them that something is coming- no doubt drawn by the noise.

Something oozey... something on fire.

Next Time: Our heroes are forced to fight other halflings!!

 

[the Jester]

Against Other Halflings!

“Look out!” burbles Naomi.

A strange, acrid stench rises from the burning, oozing thing that is flowing down the statue-lined hallway towards our heroes. Ari struggles up to his feet and casts a mass cure light wounds to reinvigorate the party after their boulder-battering, and Rush moves to the front of the party to intercept the burning ooze. Immediately, it extends a greedy pseudopod towards him, grasping for him, but he parries with his mind blade and leaps away. He throws his mind blade at it, and the psychic weapon sinks deep into the ooze. It quivers, and a bright orange, burning fluid begins to leak out from where Rush’s blade struck it.

“It can be hurt,” he reports to the others.

Naomi unleashes a cold energy bolt at it, and Jawbreaker fires his bow. Erasmuz begins summoning allies from another plane, and Ari begins summoning allies from nature.

Then the ooze does something unexpected, and Rush warns, “It just tried to use some kind of power on my mind!”

“Uh-oh,” mutters Nara. “It’s probably not actually mindless, then.” She begins a summons of her own.

The creature flows forward and grabs onto Rush, burning him and trying to hold him. He struggles terrifically, but it is larger and stronger than him, and it overbears him. “Aargh!” he cries, as the thing burns and crushes him.

Earth elementals begin to appear, responding to the summoning spells. First a huge one, then several more of various sizes. They pound at the ooze, and Rush manages to take advantage of the situation to break free! He creates another mind blade and hacks viciously at the ooze again, dealing it another incredible blow, before falling back to let the earth elementals finish the work.

The party draws back and assesses their position. They are wounded and low on spells, especially healing. The logical choice is to retreat and rest, so they resume their wind walk forms and fly quickly back and out of the place, seeking a small copse of trees a dozen miles away to set up camp within. Ari casts a plant growth spell to ensure that their cover is improved, and Naomi starts rummaging for ingredients to cook dinner with.

“Is that good cheese or bad meat?” she mutters, her nostrils flaring. “Oh, it’s just me, never mind!”

***

11/15/372 O.L.G., 9 a.m.

After breakfast, it’s back into wind walk form and away towards Steeple Mountain again. While they are wind walking, Naomi farts and giggles, “That’s a chunderclap.”

“Thankfully, we’re moving very quickly,” Ari retorts.

Back into the mountain. Back into solid form. Our heroes advance up the statue-lined hallway very carefully, but no new boulder has been set. At the far end of the hall, they come out into a very large chamber. Faint light is coming from around the corner to the northeast. On one side of the hewn cavern is a strange, 10’ tall... dollhouse?... complete with an overhanging roof. There don’t appear to be any doors or windows into it. On top of the roof is what appears to be a large handle.

“What the hell?” wonders Nara.

“Voices!” warns Erasmuz in a hushed voice.

Indeed: a troupe of goblins comes round the corner!

Naomi blasts them with a fireball, killing most of them.

Among the screams of pain, though, come the shouts of voices issuing commands from further around the corner- and one of the voices is, quite clearly, that of a halfling.

There were initially almost two dozen goblins. Naomi’s spell destroyed half a dozen. Nara follows up with a sound burst, but to her surprise, the goblin she blasts remains on his feet. Then he charges her- and hits! The damage is minimal, but she revises her opinion of this goblin.

Halflings come into view, and although our heroes don’t initially know their names, there is no reason why we can’t.

The halfling in the apron with the rolling pin is Master Chef Baird Peachtree. He is actually Benjy Peachtree’s great uncle. His daughter Taylee is here, too; she’s the one that nobody sees, because she’s hiding in the shadows. The guy with the morningstar and full plate is her boyfriend, Banjo Hodiddly. Finally, Benjy’s little sister Sarsaparilla is the one with the greatsword and breastplate.

“Remember, we don’t want to hurt them!” shouts Naomi.

“Too late for that,” Baird Peachtree says grimly. With a gesture, he casts spike stones to impede our heroes’ progress!

With that, the battle is joined. Goblins and halflings alike assault our heroes, and for a few moments they are sorely pressed.

But then Nara casts impeding permission on Sarsaparilla and refuses to allow her to attack. But she does deign to allow the halfling to retreat. This shifts the balance somewhat in the favor of our heroes. And the goblins are a comedy of errors, missing their attacks on our heroes more than they should. One of them even shoots himself in the foot.

The enemy halflings- whom our heroes would really prefer to avoid killing- are another story. Baird blasts Erasmuz and Nara with a flame strike, and Taylee emerges from the shadows to attack Nara as well. But fortunately, the prophet is just beginning to move as she does so, so Taylee’s blow misses.

“You fools!” cries Banjo. “You must surrender! This must, must not!!” He seems strangely anguished. He casts hold person on Erasmuz, but the ur-priest’s will is nigh-unbreakable.

Naomi’s energy retorts spark out as the goblins throw javelins at her, slaying more of them. She grins and suggests to the enemy halflings that they surrender.

With a groan, Banjo throws down his morningstar with a groan. Taylee yields as well.

Baird Peachtree immediately begins a retreat. “Hold them off!” he shouts to the goblins. He shoots Sarsaparilla a look, and she begins to withdraw as well. The two of them vanish back around the corner.

The hapless goblins are left to oppose the fury of the party. Several of them turn and flee. The rest fall in short order.

Our heroes turn to their prisoners. Banjo seems very oddly distracted.

“Well,” Naomi says, “why don’t we talk?”

Next Time: Our heroes find Benjy Peachtree at last!

 

[the Jester]

Benjy At Last!

“Aw, come on,” Federico whines. “We just want to make things right with Benjy. We’re here to help him. Help us reach him!” he suggests to Taylee.

Again, the weak-willed lass cannot resist the compulsion. She sighs. “All right,” she says, “I will.”

“Please,” Banjo begs, “you must not fight Benjy. I have seen it! I am a prophet. If you do...” He stops, biting his lip.

“If we do, then what?” demands Ari.

Nara walks up to Banjo. “You’re a prophet?” she asks. “I am, too. Tell me what you’ve seen. Believe me, we have no wish to fight with the Peachtrees; most of us weren’t even with this group when they first met him!”

“I was,” Federico admits. “I was there when Airhead Ed shot out his eye.”*

“Most of us weren’t,” Nara goes on firmly. “And all we want to do is make peace. Ed is dead. We just want to help.”

Banjo studies Nara’s face for a moment, as if searching for signs of deception or guile, and then nods once. “All right,” he says. “I have seen... my visions are not always clear. They are often very symbolic. They- I have to interpret them, you know.”

“I understand,” Nara reassures him.

“If the Peachtrees and the Flapjacks continue to fight, we will close a door for our people. I don’t understand exactly what it is, but there is something wonderful behind it- something that we cannot achieve without peach between our peoples.”

“The Promised Land,” Naomi breathes.

“Yeah, we know about that,” Nara tells Banjo. “That’s kind of why we’re here. We need the cornbread.”

“The-?” Banjo blinks, then realizes, “Oh, Cornbread. It’s a who, not a what.”

Our heroes exchange glances.

***

Our heroes move forward, around the corner and into the tomb of Copperdeath.

It is a shocking sight.

The chamber is very large, both wide and high. It is the resting place of the corpse of an immense dragon with scales the deep blue color of sapphires. Its huge mouth is propped open with long spears, and there is a narrow crawl space down through its throat. Little pieces of someone’s armor remain stuck between the sword-length teeth from long ago. Surrounding the corpse is a large arcane apparatus of some kind, fitted with an abundance of lenses and mirrors. The thing bears many small lanterns; the lenses and mirrors seem to redirect all of the light so that it falls directly upon the corpse. A large, strange crystal focuses a wavy beam of light on the ground directly before the dragon’s head, where the party can see another figure surrounded by the apparatus. This one, however, is plainly Benjy Peachtree. He has a patch over one eye, but metal wires and strands snake beneath it and a brilliant blue glow is emanating from beneath the eye patch. He stares silently ahead, apparently sightless. The apparatus is all around him, supporting his immobile form.

“Benjy?” exclaims Federico, horrified.

“This bad,” Jawbreaker explains.

“I don’t know if he can-” begins Banjo.

Sarsaparilla and Baird step out into view. “No further, Flapjacks,” Baird calls. Sarsaparilla moves swiftly forward, leaping up on the huge tail of the corpse, her bow readied in her hands. And suddenly there is an explosion of clear goo- Naomi recognizes it as ectoplasm- and a strange iridescent serpent appears out of thin air.

“Crap,” Queffe grumbles, loading her crossbow quickly. Nobody is throwing any blows just yet, but there are preparatory spells being cast and powers being manifested all over the place. For a moment the dervish dares to hope that there won’t have to be a fight.

Then the serpent and Jawbreaker rush together and begin hacking and biting at each other. As soon as they move, the tension breaks, and spells and missiles are exchanged as well in a sudden outpouring of vicious violence.

“No! Stop! What has happened? This is all wrong!” Banjo cries. “Please, stop!”

But the battle is on. Jawbreaker and the serpent tear huge wounds in each other; and while Jawbreaker leaks blood, the serpent only bleeds ectoplasm. “It’s an astral construct of some kind!” shouts Naomi.

Suddenly a blue goblin appears, firing an energy bolt at her. She returns fire with an energy bolt of her own. Then a flaming sphere appears on Jawbreaker, who is still fighting the serpent. With a roar, he leaps out of it, and Nara moves up to heal him, for the serpent has already done considerable damage to him.

Taylee leaps forward, drawing her sword and dagger. “No, you can’t hurt my friends!” she cries, attacking Naomi. She slices her arm with the dagger, but then stumbles and falls, smacking her head hard. She is rendered senseless for a few moments.

Naomi ignores the halfling threat. She doesn’t really want to kill Taylee (though if she did, she just might want to eat her). That damned iridescent serpent, though- that, she wants to kill. She fires another energy bolt at it, and this time it explodes in a shower of ectoplasm.

Jawbreaker drops back with Nara and Federico to receive some healing. It seems at first as though they have gained a little breathing room.

That impression vanishes as the immense draconian corpse begins to move, pulling itself apart. Huge chunks of rotten, half-mummified flesh simply pull free of the now-moving frame, but enough hunks remain on it to make the horrible thing’s identity plain. Bits of the apparatus snap and break off as it animate.

Copperdeath walks again.

Next Time: The final confrontation with Benjy Peachtree and Copperdeath’s corpse!

*During our heroes’ second adventure, Jam Session, which took place waaay early on in the story hour.

 

[the Jester]

Scorecard

In this corner, we have:

Jawbreaker, barb 7/bear warrior 4; CG.
Ari, druid 13; N.
Queffe, barbarian 1/fighter 4/dervish 4; CN.
Federico, kobold sorcerer 3/bard 7/jester 2; CG.
Naomi, psion 6/elementalist 6; LE.
Erasmuz, wizard 1/ex-monk 2/ranger 1/psion 1/ur-priest 8; NE.
Rush, human soulknife 11; N.

...and in this corner, we have:

The Corpse of Copperdeath
Benjy Peachtree (he's not moving, but is he doing anything?)
Master Chef Baird Peachtree (rogue 4/druid 1/mystic chef 7)
Taylee Peachtree (rogue 5/thief-acrobat 5)
Banjo Hodiddly (cleric of Yzguzia 6/prophet 4)
Sarsaparilla Peachtree (fighter 9)
Mongrobbe (blue goblin telepath 5/flayerspawn psychic 3)

 

[the Jester]

Everything is chaos and confusion.

Rock, scales and dirt fly everywhere. Pieces of wiring and metal bits of the strange apparatus rain down as Copperdeath the dragon animates in a horrifying parody of life. Our heroes fall back momentarily in horror, but the enemy doesn’t slow down at all. Sarsaparilla keeps shooting her bow, but the arrows snap off of Nara’s breastplate.

The carcass of Copperdeath leans over and snaps a bite down on Yip. The monk has not had a chance to recover his balance from the dragon’s sudden animation, and he is ill-prepared for its bite. It lifts him in the air, crunching into his little kobold body with relish. Teeth as long as a human’s finger pierce Yip’s abdomen and back, applying crushing force. He is killed instantly- and nearly bitten in half!

“We shouldn’t be fighting! Please!!” implores Banjo, once again. “Surrender! Just... stop fighting!”

“Yes!” Queffe shouts. “We should stop fighting! Get your people to stop shooting at us, and we’ll sheathe our weapons and we can talk about this!”

But Sarsaparilla keeps firing, this time sticking an arrow in Ari’s arm. “Ow!” the druid exclaims. He glares at her, but turns towards Baird Peachtree. He’s older, wiser- the chef- he must be the one in charge of the combat team. He casts flame strike, blasting the mystic chef with white-hot flame. Baird gives a hoarse cry, but he ignores the druid, instead targeting Nara with a heat metal. Fortunately for her, she resists the effect.

Then she feels her body stiffen for a moment. From nowhere, a blue-skinned goblin appears in the corner of the room. Nara shakes her head and throws off the brain lock. “I’ll get to you,” she promises.

“Nobody else wants to talk,” Queffe laments. She breaks off negotiations by shooting Taylee with her crossbow.

“Not true!” cries Nara. “I do! I agree with Banjo, we need to stop fighting! There are more important things at stake here!”

Benjy remains in the apparatus, unresponding. But the rampage of Copperdeath is only beginning. Everyone scatters as it crashes forward again- everyone except Jawbreaker. Refreshed by a heal from Erasmuz, he roars and stands his ground, swinging his axe at the dragon with tremendous force. The two melee for a moment, inflicting terrible wounds on each other. He grunts in dismay when Sarsaparilla starts feathering him with arrows while he’s engaged, and he struggles to throw off a mental hammerblow by the blue goblin, Mongrobbe, crouching in the corner. This sneaky assault is the final straw, and with a booming roar, Jawbreaker morphs into bear from!

The two sides keep exchanging missile and spell fire across the rampaging dragon, which tears into Nara. It doesn’t seem to be following any kind of strategy, but rather choosing targets randomly. This keeps it from focusing on the wounded Jawbreaker, and allows him to fall back to receive yet more healing. Then, rather than resuming his attack on the dragon, he charges over towards Mongrobbe while Ari blasts the wyrm with a flame strike.

That thing sure is tough. It takes the damage and keeps on going.

The blue, on the other hand, is more fragile. He squeaks in dismay as the bear-shaped Jawbreaker reaches him. Mongrobbe tries to step away and initiate a power, but Jawbreaker steps right after him.* Sweating and nervous, now, Mongrobbe focuses all his concentration and manages to initiate an energy burst without dropping his guard. Flames spew out, catching Jawbreaker, Queffe and Copperdeath. Jawbreaker toughs out the worst of it, but it’s almost all that Queffe can take.

“Dammit!!” swears Naomi, firing another energy bolt at the wyrm. “That’s my trick, goblin! Now I’m gonna have to eat you!”

Jawbreaker seems to agree. With another loud roar, he rears up and falls upon Mongrobbe, tearing him to pieces!

Nara manages to dart forward and retrieve Yip’s corpse. The wyrm swats at her as she passes by, but then it turns- and attacks Taylee! She tries to tumble away, but it swats her down with a claw, then mauls her horribly with the other. Still gripping her with that claw, it leans forward and bites her sloppily in half.

“TAYLEE!” screams Banjo in horror.

“Now you see what you’ve done?” Erasmuz shouts at the Peachtree forces.

Nara whirls to face the immobile, yet somehow malign, form of Benjy Peachtree. He is still suspended in the air by the wires and fixtures of the strange apparatus that he was held in. His eye patch has fallen askew in the chaos, and his empty eye socket- the one shot out, so long ago, by Airhead Ed, one of our heroes at the time and the start of all of this- his empty eye socket isn’t so empty after all.

A small fleck of stone has embedded itself in the socket. From it strobes a brilliant white light.

Nara casts shatter on the stone. There is a high-pitched noise for an instant, like crystal vibrating, but nothing further happens. It resisted! the prophet thinks. Well, fortunately, I prepared for this! And she casts another shatter. This time, the fragment of crystal virtually vaporizes. Blood sprays from Benjy’s head and he screams and spasms- the first noise or movement that he has made since our heroes entered this place- and collapses out of the apparatus, falling heavily to the ground.

The dead dragon gives a mighty, angry roar. It rears back, ready to continue its rampage. “Enough is enough!” declares Ari. He casts baleful polymorph on the dragon- and to his surprise, it works! Suddenly, instead of a rampaging dragon, the party is faced with a large koi out of water.

“Please, she was my wife,” pleads Banjo. “Is she not enough of a sacrifice? Let us have peace!”

“Peace!” shouts Federico.

“Peace!” shouts Queffe.

Naomi blasts the koi, which is busily flopping around, with a fireball. Which just happens to catch both Sarsaparilla and Baird. The Master Chef gasps and drops to the ground. “Peace!” the hideously obese elementalist burps.

Sarsaparilla cries, “All right! Put your weapons down and come out, and we’ll talk!”

“Oh thank you,” sobs Banjo. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s not too late. It’s not too late.”

Nara straps her morningstar back to her back and hurries forward to tend to Benjy, already beginning her regenerate prayer.

Next Time: The Cornbread Run!


*JB has a custom feat called Lock-Step, which lets you “follow” an enemy’s 5’ step.

 

[the Jester]

The Cornbread Run

The battle is over. All the surviving combatants have laid down their weapons, and all the wounds have been bound. The Flapjacks-Peachtrees feud is over.

Nara sets to work on Benjy’s ravaged brain and body. With heal, regenerate and restoration she soothes his tortured soul, eases his physical and mental pains and repairs his broken mind. The fragment of the Dragonstone that rested within his empty socket has been crushed; all echoes of old Copperdeath’s spirit are gone, at least for now, and Steeple Mountain is once again empty.

Benjy, during the short moments between periods of sleep and recuperation, agrees that everything is resolved, and promises that he can make Heather Peachtree (who Jawbreaker long ago accidentally paralyzed while courting) agree to end the feud as well. The discussions grow more intense; the clans must seal their differences, that this might never happen again. There must be a marriage.

“Oh boy!” says Federico.

But what about this cornbread?

“Cornbread is a person,” Benjy tells the party. “He’s the best chef alive.”

“How do we find him?” Naomi asks.

Benjy laughs. “I can give you a map. He’s my... guest, in the Underdark.”

“The Underdark!” Erasmuz looks excited.

“Your prisoner?” Naomi prompts.

“Yes. I have his family cookbook. I was holding it hostage, to keep him at my beck and call.” Benjy shakes his head and closes his eyes. “I have done terrible things,” he whispers. “I am sorry.”

“Your mind was not entirely your own,” Nara says.

He shrugs. “Nonetheless, I did those things.” He heaves a heavy sigh.

***

Into the Underdark. Down winding tunnels of stone, the sun and open sky left far far behind, our heroes clamber and squeeze and walk. They have been in the Underdark before, but never here. Never on Strogass itself. It still looks like the Underdark. There are stalagmites and stalactites, streams of fast-running underground water, growths of strange fungi. Odd crystals in a spread of gorgeous crystals dot the walls and floor. Occasional insects, especially cave crickets, crawl by or crunch underfoot.

Later, as the party travels deeper on through a wide chamber, they notice a loud clattering noise approaching. They draw weapons, and suddenly a terrible monster comes into view, emerging via a nearby pool of water.

“It’s a chuul!” shouts Erasmuz in horror.

The great lobster-beast scrambles forward. There are broken chains attached to it.

“Uh-oh,” Nara says.

A screaming group of about a half dozen goggle-eyed fish-men, some with harpoons, charge forward out of the water after it.

The chuul plows into the party, attacking Jawbreaker with all it has, trying to force its way through them and escape the kuo-toa. But its technique is less effective than a “please” would have been, because it results in Jawbreaker beginning to beat the hell out of it.

The kuo-toa, meantime, engage everyone indiscriminately. Speaking in Undercommon, Nara shouts, “We will help you catch your pet, but stop attacking us or we will annihilate you!”

One of the kuo-toa stops and casts a spell. “Interlopers, depart!” it snarls in Halfling.

For a moment it seems that things might be settling down- but Ari finishes casting a summon spell, and before he can restrain him, the sharks he summoned begin attacking the kuo-toa. “Stop!” he cries to the sharks.

The chuul isn’t settling down, either; Jawbreaker and it are pounding away at each other, though Jawbreaker is striking to disable and not to kill. “Out of my way, little thing!” the monster rumbles in Undercommon.

Naomi attempts to brain lock the fish-man spellcaster. “Let us through, and we won’t eat your delicious pet,” she gurgles.

At that point, the near-truce completely falls apart, but true to Nara’s prediction, it only takes a few moments for our heroes to annihilate the kuo-toa and their chuul. Afterwards, however, Naomi admits regretfully, “You can’t actually eat a chuul, though.”

“What if we cast purify food and drink and neutralize poison on it?” Erasmuz suggests.

“It still tastes terrible,” Naomi shrugs.

***

Deeper into the Underdark. Days in. Only Nara’s ability to sense the time as a priest of Coila allows the party to know day from night.

One night, Ari wakes from a deep, secure sleep. He opens his eyes. He can see Erasmuz, on watch, moving to wake Jawbreaker. From far down the passage, a blob of eerie yellow light, like something aflame, seems to be approaching. Ari quickly rises and begins waking the others.

“Why you wake Jawbreaker?” grunts the chief. Then, “What that?”

Everyone grabs up a weapon as the thing approaches: a large mass that seems to be made of brass and stone so hot that it is glowing. Puffs of foul-smelling smoke vent from the thing’s surface. As it moves up- surprisingly quickly for a formless mass of half-molten ore- it roars a wordless challenge.

“Whatever it is, it isn’t friendly,” Erasmuz comments, and casts spiritual weapon at it. Everyone is forced to agree as it spews out a spray of flaming gobs of molten brass. Nara and Ari are both caught, but Nara manages to avoid the worst of it. Ari is totally off-guard, however, and not only does he suffer grievous burns on his body, but the cooling brass clings to him, slowing him!

Naomi gulps and channels the power of elemental fire to ward herself against its touch. Then she moves back and fires a cold bolt at it. To her chagrin, she does not penetrate its spell resistance.

Then, as the creature gets closer, it stops abruptly, and speaks- in Halfling. “I apologize. I did not recognize your kind at a distance. I will withdraw.” It begins to back away. “Tell the master that the oven is ready.”

The party stares as the ember guard retreats. “Uh, what just happened?” asks Nara.

“It spoke Halfling, and it stopped attacking once it realized that we’re halflings. I wonder if it was one of Benjy Peachtrees’ guardians?” suggests Erasmuz.

“Peachtrees use peach golems, not fire thing,” Jawbreaker points out.

“Cornbread,” says Naomi.

Everyone turns to her.

“Its master has to be Cornbread,” she continues. “It said ‘the oven is ready.’ That sounds like a message for our man, all right.”

“You’re right,” nods Ari.

***

Not much further along, our heroes come upon a fence.

There haven’t been any signs of habitation anywhere along the way so far, so this is a very interesting find. It gets more interesting when our heroes get close enough to see the shaggy, bison-like beasts within. “Rothe,” says Ari. “And in a pen. Obviously, we’re close...”

Indeed, not far on the other side of the pen, our heroes find a halfling-sized cottage. Their collective pulses quicken; could this be it? Is this where they find the Cornbread that, according to prophecy, can “open the way”?

“Stupid Promised Land,” sneers Rush. “You find your way there, and we are done. I will not go to your Promised Land.”

“You’re a human anyway,” points out Federico. “I don’t know if you could get there.”

“And you’re a kobold.”

“Oh no,” Federico demurs, “I’m a halfling. I’m a member of the clan and everything. Besides,” he continues with a wink, “I graduated from the Halfling Program!”*

Erasmuz knocks on the door- and when it opens, our heroes meet Cornbread.

Next Time: Our heroes take on a new identity and form their own clan! And, Cornbread opens the way to the Promised Land!!


*Long-time readers may recall the Halfling Program that the party put Timothy on to make him an honorary halfling.

 

[the Jester]

Clan Ham!

The door opens, and Cornbread peers out at our heroes.

“Yes, what is it?” he grumbles. “What does Benjy want now?”

Cornbread is a stout, well-dressed halfling of middle years. He has large hands, strong from years of kneading dough and tenderizing meat. His nose is large, almost of gnomely proportions- no doubt to enhance his fine sense of smell, which is so important in the cooking process. He wears a short-sleeved shirt, with a long apron over it tied at the waist. Sensible caving boots poke out from beneath it.

“We aren’t from the Peachtrees, sir,” Ari says respectfully. “We’re different halflings. We’re HAM.* And we’re here to tell you that you’re free.”

Cornbread blinks. “What do you mean?”

“We took care of Peachtrees problem,” Jawbreaker says.

“What?”

“We helped rid Benjy Peachtrees of the madness that possessed him,” Nara explains. “He and his kin won’t be bothering you any more.”

“So you say,” Cornbreak replies. “But it isn’t that simple. He has my family cookbook. As long as he possesses it, he has power over me.”

“Not to worry,” burbles the obese Naomi, swallowing the last piece of sausage she had nestled between her sweaty breasts. “Here, I have something for you.” With a fat smile, Naomi reaches into her pack and pulls out an old, loose-paged, grease-stained book. “This is from Benjy- and us.”

Cornbread takes the book. His eyes are wide. He slowly starts to grin. “How.. I can’t believe it! After all this time...” His eyes shimmer with tears. “Oh, thank you!” The grin is pronounced now. “Thank you!”

“We are glad to help a cook of such renown,” Naomi says.

“And we hope that you can now help us,” Nara adds.

“Of course! What can I do?”

“It is said,” Erasmuz declares, “that only Cornbread can open the way.”

“The way... to the Promised Land,” breathes Cornbread.

Erasmuz and Ari exchange a glance.

“Yes... yes, I know of it,” Cornbread sighs. “Please, come in.” He moves back inside his hut. “I’ll need a few minutes to gather my things... perhaps you’d like some tea?”

“Let’s have a meal before we go,” Naomi suggests.

So it is that our heroes sit and eat with Cornbread. He is most grateful to them for freeing him from Benjy Peachtree’s influence, but even so, he is reluctant to let Naomi copy recipes from his family book. “You won’t need them anyway, where you’re going,” he says glumly.

“Why? What do you mean?”

“There is all the food you can imagine, in the Promised Land.”

“Have you been there, then?” asks Nara.

Cornbread nods. “I have.”

“Come back with us,” Jawbreaker offers.

“I can’t,” Cornbread sighs. “The food would kill me.”

“What!” exclaims Ari.

“I have been there, and left. Now that I have tasted... such blandness... as all food not of the Promised Land is, to eat or drink of it again would be too rich for me, too intense. It would be fatal. I may not return.”

Our heroes are a little unsettled by this tale.

“But,” Cornbread concludes, “I can and will help you.”

“You have kin?” Jawbreaker asks. “Want us take you somewhere?”

“No,” Cornbread shakes his head. “Distant kin, yes, but none close, none alive.”

“Join our clan,” Chief Jawbreaker suggests impulsively.

“Join-?” Cornbread stares at him. Slowly, nods. “You are the only people to have helped me, to have been kind to me, for a- a very long time. I will join you! You said your clan is Ham?”

And there it is. It hangs in the air in front of all of them for a moment as they realize how perfect it is. Yes, they are all of a single clan. They are family. The founding of a new clan is a rare thing, requiring a perfect confluence of circumstance, an unusual combination of event, need and desire.

And here it is: a new clan, sparkling and newborn: Clan Ham.

“Cornbread Ham,” says Cornbread. “I like the sounds of that.”

Everyone grins at each other. This day is looking more and more promising with each passing moment!

“Oh yeah, there’s one more thing, buddy,” Erasmuz adds. “We met some big brassy flaming thing on our way down here, and it asked us to tell you that the ovens are ready.”

Cornbread stares at him. Slowly, he starts to laugh. “Indeed they are,” he chuckles, “indeed they are.”

***

Though Cornbread Ham does not elaborate on the source of his amusement, our heroes get the sense that he wants to help their quest. He is not too forthcoming about his time in the Promised Land, but the party gets the impression that he either cannot or, perhaps, should not talk about certain things. When Naomi mentions this notion to him, he does not deny it.

The trek to the spot where the party met, and briefly fought, the ember guardian is made quick by wind walk, and Cornbread leads the new-made Ham clan towards his ovens, where he sets to work at once, baking bread, cookies and other morsels. “When you are ready, let me know, and I’ll make the cornbread,” he says gravely.

The others look around at each other. “We’re ready,” says Nara.

Rush snorts. “This is it, then,” the human states. “I go no further with you. You go to your Promised Land! There is nothing for me to kill for you there.”

“You don’t know that,” Erasmuz points out, but Rush folds his arms across his chest.

“He is not suited to go anyhow,” Cornbread murmurs. “He is not a halfling.”

“What about Federico?” asks Jawbreaker.

“I’m a halfling!” squeaks the kobold.

“We shall see,” Cornbread says. “You might be. Rush certainly is not.”

The human nods adamantly.

***

The smell of baking cornbread is almost more than our heroes can stand. The aroma lingers in the air, heralding the arrival of the cornbread. Heralding- heralding the Promised Land itself. The smell thickens. “It will be soon, now,” Cornbread Ham says.

As the delicious scent grows more and more intense, it slowly starts to become visible in the air. Slowly, shimmering, it forms a hazy portal.

“There,” Cornbread breathes. “There! There is the portal!” He grins at the party. “Good luck. Thank you again for helping me!”

Nara smiles at him. “And thank you.”

Our heroes go through the portal.

Next Time: Into the Promised Land?


*HAM = Halfling Action Militia.