[One-shot] Marvel Superheroes: The Providence Protectors

Dr Midnight

Explorer
This is a one-shot that came about as the result of a great deal of boredom and some talk about the old Marvel Superheroes game. I mentioned that I happened to own a copy of the Ultimate Powers Book back at home, and after some discussion, I went off to get it. We played a quick, silly game. The silliness wasn’t helped at all by the drinks we found ourselves downing as the night went on.

So, in short, if you’re looking for a serious and appropriately dramatic story hour, move along. This is all-out immature fun.

The characters:

MR. ROBOTO
Created in 1982 by Styx lead singer Dennis DeYoung, Mr. Roboto was an intended publicity stunt and stage prop to support the song of the same name. When DeYoung realized that his song was destined to be a flop, he abandoned the project. Mr. Roboto was rediscovered recently and taken into the Providence Protectors. He is your archetypal robot- big blocky body, flailing tube arms ending in claws, and a lightbulb nose. Despite giving dry responses like “Does not compute” on occasion, he is still the group’s most creative strategist.

THE ARACHNID
The Arachnid is a young woman with a massive store of powers and talents. She would serve any other super-team quite handily, save for the fact that most of her powers are quite similar to Spider-Man’s, and lawsuits are liabilities no super-team wants to take an insurance risk on.

CAPTAIN CAFFEINE
Captain Caffeine ate an entire box of 24 Vivarin capsules when he was a child. The ensuing caffeine high almost killed him. When he awoke from his coma three weeks later, he found himself entirely changed. He could now summon materials from the air, using his mind… and put them to use. He decided to use them for good, to spread the cause of justice. He uses his ability to create coffee… both for himself and for his enemy.

HOLLYWOOD
A former celebrity, the man behind Hollywood was once sitting in the center square on Hollywood squares. No one in L.A. ever knew he was a flamboyant masked hero. In his pink leotard, dazzling sunglasses, fabulous feather boa, furry boots and legwarmers, he uses his prehensile hair to subdue criminals. The way he uses it tends to leave both the criminals and innocent feeling rather sick to their stomachs.

Coming soon!
 
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The red emergency phone started ringing.

“My danger sense tells me that the phone is ringing!” the Arachnid shouted.

“Alert, alert!” Mr. Roboto’s arms swung about and his head turned around. “The phone is ringing… Protectors assemble!” Roboto still said this now and again, though the cease-and-desist letter from Tony Stark warned quite clearly about infringing on the Avengers’ rallying cry.

The four heroes assembled in the room and the Arachnid picked up the phone. “Hello?” A screen lowered from the ceiling. On the screen was a panicky looking man with a big gray mustache.

“Providence Protectors,” he hailed them in his shaky yet authoritative voice. “I’m afraid our fair city is in an hour of great need… the Providence Place Mall is being attacked!”

“Great scott!” Arachnid great scotted. “By whom, mayor?”

“We don’t know yet. We only have reports that a malicious presence has taken over the mall. We NEED YOUR HELP!”

“Y-y-y-you c-can c-cc-count on uss, m-mayor,” stammered Captain Caffeine.

The Arachnid slammed the phone down and said “Let’s go!” then vaulted out a window to web-sling her way across town, towards the mall. Captain Caffeine started spinning in place and tunneled through the floor, through the earth, and across the distance to the mall underground. Mr. Roboto bleeped his two-note “Domo Arigat-o, Mis-ter Ro-bot-o” hook, then blasted out of the building using the rockets built into his back. Hollywood stepped into his plush leopardskin-upholstered pink Cadillac and roared down the streets as the sound of Cher blasted from his car.

Hollywood found his way blocked, as people flooding from the mall were choking the streets. Not a problem for Hollywood… he stepped out of the car. People pointed and said “Hey, look, it’s Hollywood! He’ll fix those bad guys!” The pink-hued hero nodded to them and arched his back. The skintight open-chested costume he wore flexed as he concentrated. Then, his massive forest of chest hair began to wave, ripple, and move on its own. It stretched out to about twenty feet and clutched to a nearby building, then pulled him up after it. He used his prehensile chest hair to crawl along the building’s side towards the mall. The public, beneath him, stared on in horror. A mother covered her child’s eyes.

Captain Caffeine tunneled up through the floor of the parking garage just in time to see Hollywood pull himself up into the building. Hollywood stood up and threw his boa around his shoulders in a fabulous manner as his chest hair rippled back to a perfectly coifed manner over his tanned pectoral muscles. “Let’s go!”

They burst into the mall past the few remaining civilians, who were filing out through the doors. “Hang on, Captain…” Hollywood said. Captain Caffeine clutched to his back and the chest hair swooped out again like the grasping arms of then thousand daddy longlegs. They began ascending the seven-floor mall towards the top floor. It sounded like that’s where all the ruckus was.

Meanwhile, back outside, Mr. Roboto and the Arachnid were both on the top level of the parking garage, which was at the top of the building. People running out shouted “Oh, it’s Mr. Roboto! Surely you can defeat those thugs… they’re in the food court, top floor.”

“Thank you citizen,” said Mr. Roboto in his monotone voice. “Arachnid… let’s make an entrance.”

Inside the mall, thugs with ski masks milled about. They brandished handguns and shouted threats to civilians who didn’t run away fast enough.
Foodcourt.jpg

(the above is a photo of the Providence Place Mall’s food court, taken from the catwalk between Dave & Buster’s and the Hoyt’s movie theater.)
Suddenly- CRASHH!!! The thugs all gasped and looked to the huge three-story high window overlooking the food court. Mr. Roboto flew through the shattered glass to land on the catwalk above them. Behind him swooped the Arachnid. Roboto twirled his arms and said “Freeze! Freeze!”

The thugs had no intention of freezing, and raised their guns to shoot at the duo. “It’s the Providence Protectors… GET ‘EM!” The Arachnid fired a stream of viscous, sticky webbing at one thug, gumming up his gun and making his firing arm useless. She dodged another thug’s shot by backflipping over a bullet’s line of fire. Mr. Roboto wasn’t quite so agile, though, and he took a couple of shots to his mighty metal frame. His lightbulb nose blinked red, and he rocketed down from the catwalk to slam the thugs out of his way. He grabbed the one who had shot him and smashed him into the Ben & Jerry’s stand. The thug crashed through a wall of waffle cones and fell down.

Behind Mr. Roboto, three thugs were backed up against the railing overlooking a seven-story drop. One said “We’ve got to take Roboto out… shoot him now, while he’s not looking!” A spray of super-hot coffee shot over his shoulder, and the three thugs turned around. “Oh, no! It’s Captain Caffeine, and… and… ewwww, Hollywood…” The Captain and Hollywood vaulted over the railing and made quick work of the henchmen. The Arachnid and Mr. Roboto were likewise cleaning up. The Arachnid’s segmented eyes picked something up from the pile of defeated mooks she’d left in her wake. SkeeBall tickets were spilled from one thug’s pocket. After a quick inspection, she saw that every thug was carrying SkeeBall tickets. What kind of villainous SkeeBall ticket scheme were these no-good punks up to, she wondered?

The entrance to Dave & Buster’s shattered outwards, and through it stepped a villain they all recognized. It was Max Gargan- the Scorpion.
Scorpion.jpg

Next issue: BY A SCORPION, STUNG!!!
 
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ROTFL!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha... <sniff>... <wheeze>... <wheeze>. Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

That is so funny! Dr Midnight, you're a genius.
 

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