Ugh. Here we go again. "I'm a moldy baldy" has sauntered into the room with his age-old repulsion for me.
All right, let's play the game, shall we?
Allow me to address this one first...
Issue number two surrounds a black and white photo published in Tome and Blood. I've done some background research with my contact, Mr. Wayne Reynolds, at Wizards andhe informs me he took this photo of you during the design concept phase of 3e in order to inspire the designers to create the, and I quote, "Most typical example of elvenness." After being chosen to portray elves as an iconic, later photographs of you appear with a bust two whole cup sizes larger (which Mr. Nebin could confirm). As enlarge bust was left out of 3e, the EAPDOEF can only conclude that you have engaged in illicit enhancement of your bust through artificial means.
For one, Mr. Nebin will soon be confirming what it feels like to have a hatrack discoureously placed within one's self.
Secondly, Enhance Bust was left out of T&B at the last minute. It was a result of the "Win a chance to design a D&D spell" sweepstakes. Thirteen year old Michael Taybrook won, and submitted this spell. Late in the game Bruce Cordell felt it was immature for Wizards to publish a book with a spell with this singular purpose. At this point, the deadline was one week away and we could NOT contract an artist to fix the drawing in time. As a result, the work stayed, and we hoped no one would notice.
I present issue number one, a photo taken by the Wizards photographer of Shuluth and you in what can only be described as a horrifying displade of sado-masochistic tendencies. Now, the EAPDOEF is well aware of your penchant for claiming Photoshop is the answer behind this, so they have contacted Wizards and received the official contract for the photo shoot. As you can see here, line 95 of the deal states, in your own handwriting (don't deny it, we've had three handwriting pathologists check it against canceled check stubs), that you would only do the deal if you could pose with "Shuluthy" in a, and I quote, "Intimate expression of our true master/slave relationship, as I just adore his cute little squiddy-poo facey-wacey."
Let me see that.
snatches it
This isn't my handwriting. I don't write in red crayon, I don't dot i's with hearts, and I don't sign my name as "Mylee the stoopid". I'd say your "handwriting pathologists" might have THOUGHT they were seeing my handwriting... If only someone had been around who could control their thoughts. Any ideas? anyone?
Please. Not even a fair attempt at a cheap shot, old boy. Tsk tsk.
Your iconic quote. I believe it stands to reason that, as this is the best you can come up with, you represent a significantly lower average Intelligence than most elves.
My iconic quote comes directly from the DMG. It's light-hearted and offsets my intelligence nicely. WotC thought this would be a good move to make me more accessible to the fans (no jokes, please, Nebin). There is a softer side to Mialee- a wit and gentle humor. This is why I felt "Ugh, a spider!" would be a tasteful addition to my iconic quote.
Yours, however, isn't from any sourcebook, WotC-published or otherwise. It is, in fact, a mockery of the UNCF's slogan. Rather insensitive, wouldn't you say? Consider this AND your... shall we say... DINSTINCTIVE hairstyle... Hmmm. Let's put one and one together, shall we, people?
So, there you have it. Any other items to address, Adolf?
smiles triumphantly, bats eyelashes 
