Perform (Stand-Up Comedy)

[Mark Chance]

You get a +2 circumstance bonus if you work in front of a red brick wall. Here's some material to help you get started:

This panda walks into a cafe, sits down at a table and orders a salad. After eating the salad, the panda pulls out a Glock and blows the waiter away, and then saunters out of the cafe.

A man at another table says, "Why isn't anyone doing anything? That waiter's just been shot!"

To which another patron replies, "That's just the way pandas are. Look it up."

So the man goes home and looks up panda in the encyclopedia, and he reads: "A panda is a black and white bear that lives in temperate-zone bamboo forests in central China. It eats chutes and leaves."

*ba-dum-ching!*

I read in the news recently about this group of Franciscans who opened up a flower shop right across the street from the Playboy Mansion. The Franciscans provided a full range of flower-delivery options, all with highly religious themes. Hugh Hefner had his legal team take the Franciscans to court, ostensibly for violating zoning ordinances, but in truth the Franciscans were cramping Hefner's scene. Eventually the court ruled in Hefner's favor, and the Franciscans had to close up shop.

Which just goes to show: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars!

*ba-dum-ching!*

A piece of string walks into a bar, hops up on the barstool, and orders a whiskey sour. The bartender looks at the string with disgust and says, "Get outta here! We don't serve string!"

So the piece of string leaves the bar and ducks into alley. There it ties itself up and separates its different strands into a bushy mess in order to create a disguise. Then the string re-enters the bar, hops up on the barstool, and orders a whiskey sour.

The bartender looks at the string and says, "Say, aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?"

To which the string replies, "Nope, I'm afraid not!"

*ba-dum-ching!*

 

[diaglo]

i think this fits best under the survival skill. the amount of vegetables and eggs you can collect from said performance would definitely feed d20 + 1 medium size humanoids.

 

[alsih2o]

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

Guinness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."

 

[Mark Chance]

Once upon a time, a missionary rabbi traveled to a South Pacific island on which lived a people called the Trids. The Trids had for many decades been subject to the cruelties of tyrranical giant who lived on the mountain at the center of the island. The rabbi, of a people long proud for their resistance to tyrants, took it upon himself to not only teach the Trids about God but also to organize the Trid fighting men into well-disciplined companies. After many months of preparation, the rabbi led the Trids to the mountain. The various Trid companies surrounded the mountain. On the rabbi's order, the first company charged to engage the giant in battle.

But the giant simply swept one huge foot through the Trid's ranks and killed them all. Undaunted, the rabbi sent two companies of Trids into the battle, but again the giant simply booted them away, killing them all in the process. Now growing desperate, the rabbi ordered the remaining three companies into battle. Again the giant killed them all with his mighty feet.

Furious and sick at the loss of life, the rabbi stomped up the mountain. He stood before the giant, threw down his spear, and yelled:

"Hear me, you evil giant! You've killed my army! Now kill me! Kick me down this damnable mountain!"

To which the giant replied: "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

*ba-dum-ching!*

 

[MerakSpielman]

This is some really good bad stuff.... Er, some really bad good stuff? Whatever.

There's a bard in a game I play whose specialty method of performance is stand-up comedy. He inspires us with jokes that mock our opponents. Both he and my paladin are halflings from the same tribe, and my paladin is convinced that the tribe sent him along as a very harsh test of his faith. You see, the bard likes nothing better than to make fun of paladins...

And now I gotta tell a joke... ok...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches a teller. Reading her name plate, he sees her name is Patti Wak. "Ms. Wak," says the frog, "I need to get a loan." "We don't give loans to frogs," says Patti. "You can give a loan to me!" says the frog, "Mick Jagger is my father!" "Now how am I supposed to believe that?" says Patti, "You're a frog and he's not." The frog says: "well, it's still true, and I really need a loan!" So Patti, trying to be clever and seeing that the frog isn't carrying anything says, "Well, I can't give you a loan without some collateral." Upon hearing this, the frog spits out onto the counter a small figurine of a cute animal. Patti looks at it for a moment, then picks it up and says, "Just a moment." Deciding to end this once and for all, she goes to talk to her manager. "Sir," she says, "There's a frog out there who wants a loan. He says his dad's Mick Jagger and he gave me this for collateral," she holds out the figurine, "I mean, what is this anyway?"

The manager looks at her and says firmly, "It's a knick-knack Patti Wak, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


*ba-dum-ching!*

 

[Piratecat]

So, the druid's awakened giant termite cohort walks into the tavern, looks around, and asks "Where is the bar tender?"

And hey, did you hear about the evil wizard who liked to give hickeys? He was a neck romancer.

*ba-dum-ching!*

Thank you, thank you. I'm going back to work now, but hey - try the veal!

 

[TheLorax]

So, everyday weekday after work for three years, a local doctor stops by a local tavern and orders a walnut daquiri. Drinks it and then heads home. The bartender thought this was a little strange at first, but then got used to it as the doctor became a regular.

One day, the bartender went to make the walnut daquiri in preparation for the doctor's arrival but noticed he was out of walnuts. He searched around for a bit until he found what he thought would be a suitable replacement.

The doctor arrives, the bartender gives him his drink. The doctor tastes it.

"This isn't bad, but something doesn't taste quite right about," the doctor commented.

"Sorry, we were all out of walnuts, so, it's a hickory daquiri, doc"

 

[MerakSpielman]

A man goes into a bar and orders three beers. Dubious, the bartender draws three from the tap and sets them in front of the man, whom he has never seen in the bar before. The man drinks a sip from each beer in turn, repeating until he is done. This strikes the bartender as very odd. After all, don't his beers get warm, having three on the counter at once?

The man comes in again the next evening at the same time, again ordering three beers. The bartender is mighty curious, and asks the man why he's drinking his beers this way.

"Well, it's like this," the man says, "My two brothers and I would always go out to drink together every night, but recently we had to move away from each other. So we all agreed to drink our beers like this to remind ourselves of the time we spent together. Right now, my two brothers are in bars somewhere, drinking their beers exactly the same way."

The bartendter thought this was kind of cool. He began to look forward to the man's visits, and the man became something of a local feature. Everybody knew his story and found it oddly touching.

Finally, one evening, the man comes into the bar looking sad and only orders two beers. The bartender got him the two beers, and thought about it for a minute. Deciding what must have happened, he approaches the man and says, "Well, I'm sorry to hear about your loss..."

"What?" says the man. Then he laughs, seeming to understand, "Oh, no! Both of my brothers are fine! It's just, well, I've quit drinking."
edit: forgot the *ba-dum-ching!*

 

[MerakSpielman]

What do hospitals, shipyards, and the Seven Dwarves all have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.... They all have docs!

*ba-dum-ching!*

 

[alsih2o]

A wizard is out looking for a familiar, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Regdar, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back to the keep. "He can fly!"

Regdar peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"