MerakSpielman
First Post
"Oh, my god!"alsih2o said:
"Ack! No! Bad doggie!"
-
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Perform (Stand-Up Comedy)
- Thread starter Mark Chance
- Start date
"Ack! No! Bad doggie!"
Mark Chance
Boingy! Boingy!
Cher walks into a bar. "Why the long face?" asks the bartender.
*ba-dum-ching!*
A three-legged dog walks into the saloon and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
*ba-dum-ching!*
What do you call 1,000 dead lawyers?
A good start!
*ba-dum-ching!*
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing! It just let out a little wine!
*ba-dum-ching!*
What do you call a light brown pool stick?
A tan cue?
You're welcome! Wakka wakka wakka!
*ba-dum-ching!*
What disease can you get from illicit relations with a bird?
Chirpes!
*ba-dum-ching!*
*ba-dum-ching!*
A three-legged dog walks into the saloon and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
*ba-dum-ching!*
What do you call 1,000 dead lawyers?
A good start!
*ba-dum-ching!*
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing! It just let out a little wine!
*ba-dum-ching!*
What do you call a light brown pool stick?
A tan cue?
You're welcome! Wakka wakka wakka!
*ba-dum-ching!*
What disease can you get from illicit relations with a bird?
Chirpes!
*ba-dum-ching!*
stevelabny
Explorer
Two dragons were eating a jester and one said "Does this taste funny to you?"
Kae'Yoss
First Post
A big bloke enters the tavern and cries out "WHO'S NYLOR THE NARROW?" A wizard stands up and replies "I am!" whereupon the bloke walks over and thrashes the butter right out that wizard. After he left, the wizard wipes the blood from his face and says: "Ahahaha. These stupid barbarians. I can fool them anytime. Of course I am NOT Nylor the Narrow!"
*ba-dum-ching*
Another Tavern, all patrons are drinking and chatting as usual, as a boy runs in and cries out: "Ranos the Ravager comes to town!" and all the hells break loose, what with all the patrons fleeing the tavern in all haste. Only the barkeep remains. Then, a big guy in black full plate, with a huge flamberge on his back, enters the tavern and orders a big tankard of the best mead. He drains at once and asks "what do I owe you?" The barkeep replies with a shaking voice, "it's on the house, milord." This brigthenes the mood of the guy in black: "Oh, thanks, but now I must fly, Ranos the Ravager comes to town!"
*ba-dum-ching*
Why do funeral homes have so many caskets in store?
Repeat orders.
*ba-dum-ching*
*ba-dum-ching*
Another Tavern, all patrons are drinking and chatting as usual, as a boy runs in and cries out: "Ranos the Ravager comes to town!" and all the hells break loose, what with all the patrons fleeing the tavern in all haste. Only the barkeep remains. Then, a big guy in black full plate, with a huge flamberge on his back, enters the tavern and orders a big tankard of the best mead. He drains at once and asks "what do I owe you?" The barkeep replies with a shaking voice, "it's on the house, milord." This brigthenes the mood of the guy in black: "Oh, thanks, but now I must fly, Ranos the Ravager comes to town!"
*ba-dum-ching*
Why do funeral homes have so many caskets in store?
Repeat orders.
*ba-dum-ching*
Shadowdancer
First Post
A tiger is walking through the jungle when he encounters another tiger. They begin walking together, side by side. After about a half mile, the second tiger slows down, lets the first tiger get in front of him, then licks the first tiger's ass.
The first tiger spins around, angry, takes a swipe at the second tiger, and says, "Hey, why did you lick my ass?"
The second tiger says, "Sorry. I just ate a lawyer, and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
ba-dum-chink
The first tiger spins around, angry, takes a swipe at the second tiger, and says, "Hey, why did you lick my ass?"
The second tiger says, "Sorry. I just ate a lawyer, and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
ba-dum-chink
Mark Chance
Boingy! Boingy!
Henny Youngman, before he got it:
A man walks up to me the other day and says, "I'm so hungry. I haven't a bite in days." So I gave him a sandwich!
"Say, Henny, who was that lady I saw you walking down the street with the other day?"
"That was no street. That was an alley."
*ba-dum-ching!*
A man walks up to me the other day and says, "I'm so hungry. I haven't a bite in days." So I gave him a sandwich!
"Say, Henny, who was that lady I saw you walking down the street with the other day?"
"That was no street. That was an alley."
*ba-dum-ching!*
The Great Sage
First Post
Three elephants jump off a cliff...
2 land on the sand, one in the water
*Dum Dum, Ching!*
I'll go back to bartending I think.
2 land on the sand, one in the water
*Dum Dum, Ching!*
I'll go back to bartending I think.
Plane Sailing
Astral Admin - Mwahahaha!
I was going to do some decorating, so I fetched my step ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.
Cheers!
I don't get on with my real ladder.
Cheers!
Thresher
First Post
ok, here goes an attempt at something origonal...
Sir Henry the paladin walks into his local temple of St Cuthbert looking for atonement, Father Brian, a cranky old geezer rubs the stubble on his chin and hefts his cudgel in anticipation at having to educate another fool.
"So what brings ye here today young Sir Henry?"
Father Brian's voice booms over the courtyard and Henry shuffles nervously.
"I fear I may have committed a mortal sin Father."
.....
"Well ye better come inside and tell me about it..."
The pair go inside and sit down in Father Brian's study after the door is bolted shut.
"Out with it then boy! What manner of foul sins have ye commited!"
"Father, I must confess, Im not a virgin anymore. I met a woman..."
*smack!*
Reeling, Henry picks himself off the floor and sits down at the table again and rubs the lump on his head while Brian lays the cudgel down at his side again.
"So how did this happen then?"
"Well, Hagar the Barbarian and I where at the pub and we met a lovely serving wench and one thing led to another and well you know..."
*smack!*
Henry crawls back to the table, blood pouring from another minor head injury.
"What possessed a fine, upstanding young paladin to have affairs outside of good wholesome wedlock then? I suppose its not so bad a sin."
A nervous silence between the two ensues.
"Well father, my only education on such matters was from some naughty scrolls Hagar and I found when we where clearing out that temple of elemental evil."
*smack!*
"So what did ye learn from these naughty scrolls? And what manner of deeds have ye done!"
"Well, like I learned from the scrolls... well pictures mostly, I did what I did with the scrolls and hid her in my saddlebags under the blanket."
*Smack!*
"Thats a sin indeed, but not without redemption yet... unless theres something ye not be tellin me..."
"Well, like with the scrolls I loaned her to Hagar a week later..."
Sir Henry the paladin walks into his local temple of St Cuthbert looking for atonement, Father Brian, a cranky old geezer rubs the stubble on his chin and hefts his cudgel in anticipation at having to educate another fool.
"So what brings ye here today young Sir Henry?"
Father Brian's voice booms over the courtyard and Henry shuffles nervously.
"I fear I may have committed a mortal sin Father."
.....
"Well ye better come inside and tell me about it..."
The pair go inside and sit down in Father Brian's study after the door is bolted shut.
"Out with it then boy! What manner of foul sins have ye commited!"
"Father, I must confess, Im not a virgin anymore. I met a woman..."
*smack!*
Reeling, Henry picks himself off the floor and sits down at the table again and rubs the lump on his head while Brian lays the cudgel down at his side again.
"So how did this happen then?"
"Well, Hagar the Barbarian and I where at the pub and we met a lovely serving wench and one thing led to another and well you know..."
*smack!*
Henry crawls back to the table, blood pouring from another minor head injury.
"What possessed a fine, upstanding young paladin to have affairs outside of good wholesome wedlock then? I suppose its not so bad a sin."
A nervous silence between the two ensues.
"Well father, my only education on such matters was from some naughty scrolls Hagar and I found when we where clearing out that temple of elemental evil."
*smack!*
"So what did ye learn from these naughty scrolls? And what manner of deeds have ye done!"
"Well, like I learned from the scrolls... well pictures mostly, I did what I did with the scrolls and hid her in my saddlebags under the blanket."
*Smack!*
"Thats a sin indeed, but not without redemption yet... unless theres something ye not be tellin me..."
"Well, like with the scrolls I loaned her to Hagar a week later..."
