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Perform (Stand-Up Comedy)
- Thread starter Mark Chance
- Start date
Mathew_Freeman
First Post
Three women walk into a bar and say "Hurrah! We've successfully conquered a male-dominated joke!"
(c) Bill Bailey
So this man comes into a pub with a dog, and he says "This is Butch the Wonder Dog, and he can do anything."
The other patrons are unimpressed. So the man says to Butch "What's two and two?" and Butch says "Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!" Small round of applause.
The man says "You ain't seen nothing yet! Sure, he can count, but he can also talk! Say something, Butch!"
And the dog says, in a clear accent "My name is Butch the Wonder Dog, and I can do anything!" Everyone is very impressed.
So another man in the pub says, "OK, if he's so clever, give him this £10 note and he can go down the shop and get me a newspaper. How's that?"
Butch and the man agrees, and off Butch goes.
Two hours later and no-one's seen him. A search party is organised, and after a further hours searching they find Butch in an alley way...with a lady dog! Butch is humping away having a fine old time.
The man says "Butch! You've never done this before!"
Butch says "Yeah, but I never had the money before!"
*ba-dum-ching*
(c) Bill Bailey
So this man comes into a pub with a dog, and he says "This is Butch the Wonder Dog, and he can do anything."
The other patrons are unimpressed. So the man says to Butch "What's two and two?" and Butch says "Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!" Small round of applause.
The man says "You ain't seen nothing yet! Sure, he can count, but he can also talk! Say something, Butch!"
And the dog says, in a clear accent "My name is Butch the Wonder Dog, and I can do anything!" Everyone is very impressed.
So another man in the pub says, "OK, if he's so clever, give him this £10 note and he can go down the shop and get me a newspaper. How's that?"
Butch and the man agrees, and off Butch goes.
Two hours later and no-one's seen him. A search party is organised, and after a further hours searching they find Butch in an alley way...with a lady dog! Butch is humping away having a fine old time.
The man says "Butch! You've never done this before!"
Butch says "Yeah, but I never had the money before!"
*ba-dum-ching*
Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend away. Sadly, once they get to their room they discover that neither of them thought to bring along condoms.
So the drake goes down to reception to see whether they have any there. "Of course," says the receptionist. "Would you like me to put in on your bill?"
"Thanks for the offer, but preferably not," says the duck. "I'd probably suffocate."
So the drake goes down to reception to see whether they have any there. "Of course," says the receptionist. "Would you like me to put in on your bill?"
"Thanks for the offer, but preferably not," says the duck. "I'd probably suffocate."
Infiniti2000
First Post
An elf, a human, and a dwarf walk into a pub. They each buy a pint of ale. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The elf pushed his drink away from him in disgust.
The human fished the offending fly out of his ale and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The dwarf too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTARD!!"
The elf pushed his drink away from him in disgust.
The human fished the offending fly out of his ale and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The dwarf too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTARD!!"
Mark Chance
Boingy! Boingy!
A man walks into a store and asks a clerk, "Do you have talcum powder?"
The clerk says, "Yes, we do. Walk this way."
The man says, "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder."
* buh-dum-ching! *
The clerk says, "Yes, we do. Walk this way."
The man says, "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder."
* buh-dum-ching! *
Jack7
First Post
The Cowardly Lion goes back to the Wizard and tells him that his heart has run out of juice. He's no longer courageous. He's as shaky as a water nursed baby rabbit.
So the Wizard asks to take a look at him. The Lion agrees. So after a thorough inspection the Wizard says he has a solution, and he wants the Lion to hear a story. So the Wizard launches into a long-winded, boring story about ancient Knights and Damsels in distress, which nearly puts the Lion to sleep, but all the time he's maneuvering around towards the rear of the cat, and once there, he takes a big hammer and drives a long nail straight into the middle of the Lion's tail. Well, the Lion growls and stomps around and bares his teeth and flexes his claws and gives out a bone-shaking roar.
"What is heaven's name do you think you're doing you crazy old fart!" The Lion bellows furiously. "I should eat you on the spot!"
"You see, it worked!" says the Wizard triumphantly.
"Yeah, it did," says the Lion after he calmed down a bit. "What was the problem exactly?"
"Well, you had a leak out your backside and all your courage was running out behind you. So I hammered up the leak. Problem solved."
And so from that moment forward the Lion was so filled with courage that he did eat the Wizard, and lived happily ever after.
And that my friends, is the yarn of the Tale-Tail Heart.
Or, if you fancy it, the Tail of the Death Nail.
Or something like that...
boom-shakalaka-boom
it's-a-toofer
So the Wizard asks to take a look at him. The Lion agrees. So after a thorough inspection the Wizard says he has a solution, and he wants the Lion to hear a story. So the Wizard launches into a long-winded, boring story about ancient Knights and Damsels in distress, which nearly puts the Lion to sleep, but all the time he's maneuvering around towards the rear of the cat, and once there, he takes a big hammer and drives a long nail straight into the middle of the Lion's tail. Well, the Lion growls and stomps around and bares his teeth and flexes his claws and gives out a bone-shaking roar.
"What is heaven's name do you think you're doing you crazy old fart!" The Lion bellows furiously. "I should eat you on the spot!"
"You see, it worked!" says the Wizard triumphantly.
"Yeah, it did," says the Lion after he calmed down a bit. "What was the problem exactly?"
"Well, you had a leak out your backside and all your courage was running out behind you. So I hammered up the leak. Problem solved."
And so from that moment forward the Lion was so filled with courage that he did eat the Wizard, and lived happily ever after.
And that my friends, is the yarn of the Tale-Tail Heart.
Or, if you fancy it, the Tail of the Death Nail.
Or something like that...
boom-shakalaka-boom
it's-a-toofer
the Jester
Legend
I guess it's a good thing that Infinit2000 used an elf, human and dwarf for the "three flies in three glasses" joke then.
Mathew_Freeman
First Post
I think that's my first-ever moderator admonishment. My apologies.
If I still had the list of jokes from Piratecat's game I'd post that. My favourite, thought was this:
What noise does a Dwarven God make when falling down the stairs?
CLANGEDDIN, Clangeddin, clangeddin...
