Perform (Stand-Up Comedy)

[Saeviomagy]

The masochist says "hurt me"

The sadist says "no".

badum-bum-ching

Ladies and gentleman, a drum kit fell off a cliff!

Badum-bum-ching

John J. Hill and his wife Jane are driving down a lonely road in the middle of Transylvania, when suddenly they see an oncoming horse-driven cart. John was driving a bit too fast, and the car comes off the road, and overturns.

The cart driver, Igor, hurries over to where the couple are lying, badly injured, but John has remained conscious.

Igor says "My master is a surgeon without peer, perhaps he can he can help you... Mr..."
"Hill, and that sounds like it would be a good idea", John croaks feebly, before passing out.
Igor carefully moves them into the cart, and heads off for his master's castle.

Once there his master, Dr. Frankenstein, asks Igor all about what happened, and tells him to prep the two for surgery.

Unfortunately, despite the doctor's ministrations, the two pass away. Even his patented "lightning-bolt-revival" machine fails to work. Dejected, he goes upstairs to his giant pipe organ and begins to play.

Meanwhile, Igor is tidying up the bodies. As his master plays, John's corpse twitches. A few seconds later, Jane's body starts twitching too. When the organ music pauses for a second, both fall limply, but start twitching about when the music resumes.

Igor runs to his master, yelling

"Master, master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

 

[MerakSpielman]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

 

[MerakSpielman]

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.



One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, Yum! I smell maple syrup!



The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says Yum! I smell honey!



The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, Geez, all I can



smell

is....













moleasses!

 

[Kae'Yoss]

His lordship is hosting another of his big hunts, and behold, the game was plenty! Seven Rabbits, three Bucks, two dozen Ducks, five deers, one beater.... oh shot! They call the doctor at once, but he can't do anything. "Well, the shot in the leg wasn't so severe," he says, "'twas the gutting that got him in the end."

*bum-da-ching-whatever*

Frank and Jimmi are out in the forest hunting. After they have been hunting for a couple of hours, Jimmi treads on a twig, Frank startles, turns around and shoots him in the stomach. Nervously, he takes out his cell phone and calls the emergency number. The lady on the other end of the line answers and asks for his distress. "I shot my friend! I think I've killed him. What shall I do?" "Calm down, sir. At first, check if he's really dead." After that, she hears a loud BANG! "Checked. What now?"

 

[Mark Chance]

A thread necromancer and a spell-stitched ghoul (get it?) are walking down the street. A pigeon flies overhead, poops on the necromancer, and then flies off.

"If only we had some toilet paper," the ghoul says.

"What the heck for?" says the necromancer. "The bird is a mile from here by now."

*ba-dum-ching!*

 

[Mathew_Freeman]

A frog walks into a bank and approaches a teller. Reading her name plate, he sees her name is Patti Wak. "Ms. Wak," says the frog, "I need to get a loan." "We don't give loans to frogs," says Patti. "You can give a loan to me!" says the frog, "Mick Jagger is my father!" "Now how am I supposed to believe that?" says Patti, "You're a frog and he's not." The frog says: "well, it's still true, and I really need a loan!" So Patti, trying to be clever and seeing that the frog isn't carrying anything says, "Well, I can't give you a loan without some collateral." Upon hearing this, the frog spits out onto the counter a small figurine of a cute animal. Patti looks at it for a moment, then picks it up and says, "Just a moment." Deciding to end this once and for all, she goes to talk to her manager. "Sir," she says, "There's a frog out there who wants a loan. He says his dad's Mick Jagger and he gave me this for collateral," she holds out the figurine, "I mean, what is this anyway?"

The manager looks at her and says firmly, "It's a knick-knack Patti Wak, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

*ba-dum-ching!*

Best worst joke ever. Try this:

There are two friends, John and Sanfran. They are good friends, but they die, and John goes to Heaven and Sanfran goes to Hell. Such is life (and death).

After a few weeks, John asks permission of God to ring his old friend Sanfran and see how he's doing. God, being infinitely just and merciful, agrees.

"Hey Sanfran! It's your old buddy John! How're things down in Hell?"

"It's fantastic! We have all these drugs, and dancing, and music, and hot women, I never get any sleep it's just one long hedonistic party after another! How is it up in Heaven, old pal?"

"To be honest, it's pretty boring. All I'm allowed to do is sit around, polish my halo and play my harp."

Sanfran considers this, and says "Well, why don't you ask God if you can come down for a night out?"

"Uh, OK, it can't hurt!"

So John goes back to God and asks Him, in His infinite justice and mercy, if he, John, can go down to Hell for one night out to see his lifelong friend Sanfran. God considers this, and agrees, on two conditions. One, John must be back by midnight and Two, he must take his harp with him. John reckons this sounds fair and off he goes.

Riding down the Celestial Elevator (with Handel's Messiah on repeat for lift music), eventually he arrives in Hell and meets his old friend Sanfran. They have the wildest night ever, going from club to club, seeing the most amazing dancing, listening to the most amazing music and drinking the finest cocktails known to man. The clubs are wonderful, the dancing is wonderful, the drinks are wonderful and John has an unbelievably good time.

Suddenly, John realises it's nearly midnight, bids his friend farewell and runs back to the Celestial Elevator. As it grinds it's way back up to Heaven he hopes he's made it back in time. The doors open.

God is waiting for him.

Looking him over, God says "You have returned in time, John. But I must ask you - where is your harp?"

And John says "Oh no! I left my harp in Sanfran's disco!"

*ba-dum-ching!*

 

[Ravellion]

Two dwarves are playing their weekly game of chess in their mountain halls. When a funeral procession comes by, one of the dwarves stands up and bows his head. The other dwarf replied: "I didn't know you had it in you to act with such respect." upon which the other dwarf replied "Well, we were married for 120 years."

*Ba-bum-ching*

 

[Kzach]

A guy walks into an agent's office and says, "I have an act called the Aristocrats!"

No... wait... dammit...

 

[Mark Chance]

Les Stroud of Survivorman fame tried to shoot an episode featuring Mick Jagger as a special guest. It just didn't work. Stroud did all the work while Jagger just sat around. Jagger wouldn't even collect dried, small, nonvascular plants to help start a fire, which only makes sense.

After all, a Rolling Stone gathers no moss.

* buh-dum-ching! *

 

[Richards]

A young ranger is hunting in the woods and sees a black bear. He lets fly with an arrow and kills the bear dead. However, as he approaches the bear to retrieve his arrow, a larger black bear jumps out from behind a tree. With his claws at the ranger's throat, the bear growls "Hey, that bear you killed was a friend of mine! Now, you have two choices: I can kill you right now, or you can agree to let me have my way with you. Which will it be?"

The ranger realizes he doesn't have time to grab another arrow before getting his throat ripped out, so he reluctantly drops his drawers and lets the bear have his way with him. After the bear's finished, the ranger pulls up his breeches and hobbles back to town to be seen by the clerics at the local healing temple. The whole time he's healing up, he's mentally plotting his revenge on the black bear.

So, once he's healed up, he goes back to the woods and tracks the black bear who took advantage of him. Catching the bear unawares, he lets fly with his arrow and kills the black bear dead. However, before he can go to retrieve his arrow, there's a tap on his shoulder. Spinning around, he sees an even larger grizzly bear staring down at him. "That black bear was a friend of mine!" the grizzly bear growls. "Now, you've got two choices: I'll either kill you right now, or you can let me have my very violent way with you. What'll it be?"

The ranger realizes that there's no way he can attack the grizzly before the massive bear slices him to ribbons. So once again, he finds himself dropping his drawers and wincing in pain as the bear goes about his business. After the grizzly finishes, the ranger waddles back to the healer and spends quite a lot of time healing up (while lying on his stomach). Naturally, he's burning with a desire for revenge the whole time.

And sure enough, once he's healed up, he goes back to the woods and tracks the violent grizzly that took advantage of him, slaying him with his arrow before the bear has a chance to react.

As he's reveling in his kill, he feels a tap on his shoulder, and his face drains of blood. Turning, he sees an even bigger polar bear standing there, ready to rip his throat out if he so much as twitches.

"You know," says the polar bear, "I'm starting to wonder if it's really the hunting that you find so appealing out here in the woods...."

Johnathan