Piratecat said:
Proceedings from RBDM court, May 11th, 2004:
[
Prosecutor]: Now, is it true Mr. Kulp, that you did, in fact, express disbelief at your players taking an absurdly long time to deal with a creature?
[
Piratecat]:
Of course I did. It was a ZOMBIE.
[
Prosecutor]: I see. And it was unreasonable, why, sir?
[
Piratecat]:
It was a zombie sentry, for cryin' out loud! A CR1 creature! Half of them are Epic Level! They're on a mission to kill a demi-god. It was there for verisimilitude, that's all.
[
Prosecutor]: Your honor, I admit state's evidence, exhibit A.
[
Judge Wulf]:
Lemme see that. Hmmmph.
[
Prosecutor]: Mr. Kulp,
if that is your real name, have you seen this before? [hands sheet to defendant]
[
Piratecat]:
Ummm....well, yes.
[
Prosecutor]: Could you identify for the court what it is, sir?
[
Piratecat]:
Well, it's a template.
[
Prosecutor]: A TEMPLATE, SIR! [slaps bannister] Tell us which one, sir.
[
Piratecat]:
The True Ghoul Template. I got it from some other colleagues online.
[
Prosecutor]: Of course you did. Your honor, the prosecution would like admit five more exhibits into evidence.
[
Kidcthulu]:
OBJECTION!!
[
Judge Wulf]:
What's yer problem?
[
Kidcthulu]:
He's only submitting five more examples! I've got years of material, here!
[
Judge Wulf]:
Aren't you his defense lawyer, lady?
[
Kidcthulu]:
Defense, nothing! I've got a bone to pick with him!
[
Piratecat]:
HEY!
[
Judge Wulf]
Oh, you're in trouble, here, pal.
[
Prosecutor]: Mr. Kulp, are you familiar with a....Trilith, I believe it was called?
[
Piratecat]:
Oh, for the love of Pete! We were still playtesting....
[
Prosecutor]: Yes or no?
[
Piratecat]:
Yes, but that's not...
[
Prosecutor]: A half-ilithid troll breed, if I read this correctly. Does this dragon look familiar, sir?
[
Piratecat]:
What the one with the earth elemental abilities? Sure, I made him. Great fight, that! Why I...
[
Prosecutor]: AHEM. Yes, I'm sure you're very proud, sir. And this picture of a ghoul, sir, is it familiar?
[
Piratecat]: Sure it is, but listen, this was a..
[
Prosecutor]:A trap, sir. It was a trap. Exploding undead, templated and classed horrors. Much like this one, here. State's exhibit admitted yesterday as Exhibit G, your honor. A clever map of a trap intended to snare and possibly slay the Defenders of Daybreak, is that correct?
[
Piratecat]:
Yes, this is a map I made in Excel. It's a water trap. Man, that was a great one. Rushing water, an underground river...it even had spikes.
[
Prosecutor]: So noted, sir. I'm sure you're very proud. Are you noticing a trend, sir? Terrifying nightmares that keep the players off their guard? Clever traps for them to outwit? Advanced use of classing monsters, mixing stats, applying templates, custom creatures, new magic items, prestige classes and unique reinterpitations of old-school monsters. What do you call that, sir?
[
Piratecat]:
Good DMing.
[
Prosecutor]: Indeed, sir. But will you admit that in the face of the overwhelming evidence, especially given the resources available to the white king, that maybe....MAYBE it wasn't unreasonable for the already jumpy Defenders to be paranoid?
[
Piratecat]:
But it was a ZOMBIE.
[
Prosecutor]: So you've said, sir. But in the eyes of a player, a DM of your...reputation...generates certain apprehension. Do you agree?
[
Piratecat]:
Listen...sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, darn it.
[
Prosecutor]: Yes, sir. But if you smoked a cigar every day for eight years, and every third cigar turned out to be half-draconic or true ghoulish, you'd be suscpicious of them, wouldn't you?
[
Piratecat]:
I wouldn't be smoking in the first place. It's unhealthy.
[
Prosecutor]: Stop avoiding the question, sir. Was it unreasonable, in light of the evidence presented here, that the Defenders might have justifiably untrusting of a simple zombie guarding the most lair of one of the most dangerous creatures in Spira at one of the most monumentous and dangerous points of her history? Especially given the many talents of the being known as Soder?
[
Piratecat]:
Well, I suppose it wasn't that excessive. I might've pointed it out sooner, I suppose, so we could get past the encounter more quickly.
[
Judge Wulf]:
DAMN RIGHT you could have.
[
Prosecutor]: Thank you, sir. The state is satisfied. This issue is finished.
[
Piratecat]:
Phew. Finally.
[
Prosecutor]: We're not done, sir. The state wishes to bring suit on behalf of Kidcthulu against the defendant.
[
Piratecat]:
What? What for?
[
Kidcthulu]:
It's about time!
[
Prosecutor]: Sir, this is state's exhibit A, a magnified photo of a body surrounded by a chalk outline.
[
Judge Wulf]:
Who's the perfumed fop, here? And what's that thing next to him?
[
Prosecutor]: That's a thimble, your honor. The state is bringing defamation of character charges against the defendant on behalf of Nolin the Bard and the famed six-inch high goblin incident.
[
Piratecat]
Oh....no......
[
Judge Wulf]:
Listen, when you're done here, can I talk to yer about Dinkeldog and his rules about the undead? I been steaming about that one for a long time, now......
[THE END....?]