No flips for you!
Is that all? You want someone to tell you what 5e does well? Sheesh, you're like that character Warren from Empire Records that holds up the record store because he wants a job there -- your approach is wildly divergent from your goal.Sure. I would just love once to hear their take on the pros of 5e in relation to roleplaying. What can it do that all these other systems can't?
As I have disagreed mightily with you this entire thread but yet also run a weekly 5e game, I should be well qualified to answer this:
5e does exploration well. It's designed on the premise that the PCs will be acting in a GM built world and exploring the fictional contours the GM has in mind. And, it does this well. It's structure of strong GM authority give the GM the needed control to curate the experience. With a skilled GM, the play is exciting and surprising for the players.
5e does zero to hero well. If you want to play a character that goes from nobody to demi-god, it's hard to find a better system to do this in. It strongly caters to these kinds of roleplaying experiences in ways that other systems, including my favorite alternate Blades in the Dark, do not.
5e does character control well. There's a lot to be said for being able to have absolute authority over once characterization -- to decide what it is you want to roleplay and not be challenged on that. This lets you focus on the external-to-character challenges the game presents which ties very nicely into my first point as much of the game will revolve around this kind of play.
5e scratches that tactical itch, the one the system mastery hangs out with, very well -- much better than many other systems that use more generalized mechanics for conflict resolution. The predictability of the system goes a long way towards this, and that ties into the roleplaying by not putting characterization at risk so the players have that stable backdrop to free space for tactical play.
Does this assuage?