Rook - a rotten bastard

[Anabstercorian]

Rook: "So, to try and punish me for murdering the farmer and his wife, you sent his revenant after me? Sweet. More XP."

I kind of like him.

 

[Beholder Bob]

Ok, folks are shy. I'm looking for feedback. Is this story entertaining, dragging on, too screwed up in the writing method, stuff I should keep to myself? Damn! Too late for a poll.

For instance, he says Momma when under pressure, instead of mother. I meant to convey a bit of warp in the relationship. Momma is typically used when a pleasant (or at least bitter sweet) relationship exists - considering what a nasty mother he had, I hoped this would convey a bit of weirdness. Then again, perhaps my perception is culturally driven and not perceived by most.

I feared his voice was too colloquial, so I have begun to trim his slang usage - while he has poor education, I thought the slang came across as too modern. Do you see it this way?

As I have been writing this as I go, without preview nor prep except to verify spelling, I've made some errors (that hopefully I caught) - though I'm sure more exist. For instance, I strongly dislike the use of 'meanwhile' at the beginning of the 3rd paragraph. My original voice for this (project for the hell of it) has changed, as well as the tone I mean to convey. Have you noticed any other lapses?

Suggestions?

Is there anybody out there?

Anybody have a nice niece for Rook to marry?

BB

 

[BigFreekinGoblinoid]

I enjoyed reading it. Why don't you clean up what you have so far and post it in the story hour forum?

 

[shaylon]

I think it's great!

I am planning out a hexblade myself for a campaign I am in, and you've given me some great ideas in regards to how another person sees a hexblades' life. I think my hexblade will be a bit cocky and obnoxious, but not evil. Certainly not a whoremonger either, but I think you've done very well.

-Shay

 

[Beholder Bob]

BigFreekinGoblinoid: I've never looked at story hour - it looks like I should have posted there! Oh well. I'll certainly see if I can get my work transferred there rather then creating a duplicate post. From what I've seen, story hour is mostly to get read, not to get feedback. Is there a place on enworld focused on critique? Transferred or re-posted, I'll certainly move it to story hour once I've cleaned up a bit and furthered the story some more.

Any suggestions? Areas you thought weak/unclear? This is just the pre-history of Rook prior to becoming a PC, so it’s not critical, but I'd still rather it was sharpened. Any thoughts to the 'too colloquial' or 'Momma' issue?

Shaylon: Cool, thanks for the feedback!

Anything not seem to flow well in the story so far?

As to evil - Rook eventually strides the line between rotten and actually evil, slipping occasionally on the edge. With tepid piety, loose morals, and an overwhelming feeling the world owes him, he dips into some nastiness. Only his dislike of his mother and a bad encounter with some disciples of Erythnul urges him to keep his nose fairly clean.

Thanks for response, its nice to know my digital voice does not slip into the void unheard!

BB