So I was more or less kicked out of my D&D group

[drnuncheon]

Indeed, I realise it is "just a game", however, why is it any different if my friends say, "Yeah, SHARK, we'll be over this Saturday for the barbecue! Break out the food, some good cigars, it'll be great!"

I go and buy food, beer, cigars, good steaks, chips, and what not, get everything planned, and they just decide at the last minute or the day before that they have something better to do? What the eff! Do you see?

How did this go from one guy phoning ahead to say "I can't make it" to a vast conspiracy of all of your guests to blow off your barbecue without telling you? There's a major difference in scale there and I hope that you can see that.

If one guy calls up sand says "Hey SHARK, I can't make it to your BBQ" is it ruined for the rest of the people attending? Or do you go ahead with your plans? You go ahead with your plans, you say, "Gee, I wish Bob were here," and you have some leftover steak and cigar afterwards.

That's the thing. Everyone is getting on DarkCrisis like he personally destroyed any possibility of his group gaming that night, and that's just not true. He did the proper thing and told the DM that he wouldn't be able to make it, and I'm very disturbed that the people who keep telling him he's wrong try to compare his actions to just ditching without any explanation. You're tarring him with the wrong brush, and it looks to me like you're taking out aggressions you have towards a different player type - "Mr. No-show-no-call-no-nothing" - on him.

That means you must have been doing something -- something you're not admitting, to yourself or to us -- that was above and beyond what the other players were doing.

This kind of behavior could be something as simple as "the other guys are the DM's buddies outside the game", which is nothing that he's doing or not doing. Or it could be something completely irrational on the DM's part - maybe DC reminds him of some other guy that he doesn't like, or maybe the DM was having a lousy couple of weeks at work/school/home and was taking it out on the first excuse he had in the game, which happened to be DC.

I realize that you feel it's unfair to place the blame solely on the DM based on one side's evidence, but why are you so eager to put it all on DarkCrisis instead?

J

 

[DarkCrisis]

But you're saying you don't believe the DM on this score, right? That other players could miss sessions and you couldn't? So what's the difference? I wonder if other players give more notice, or have better reasons for missing a session. Or if other players don't have the "why should I pay attention to his boring descriptions" attitude.

DC: ---- As I said they rarely if ever give notice. Its not till they come back we find out what happened to them. Apprently its okay for them to act this way but I cant call ahead of time and cancel.

Could be he just doesn't like you. But I know that you're engaging in behaviors that I'd find inappropriate were I running the game, so I'm guessing that that's the basis for his problem. I could be wrong. But I still think that in the future, you'd do well not to read unrelated books while the game is going on, and you'd do well to find out whether cancelling for mood-related reasons is appropriate within a group.

DC: ---- He and I got along great with each other it wasnt until recently that this stuff happened. I was shocked he would do this to a friend. So your saying I specificly shouldn;t read a book while the others can read or paint or talk? You have yet to explain why I am differnt. Yes I admit I shouldnt have been reading thats why i apologised but why can the others?


Obviously, in some groups, such behavior is appropriate. Given that your DM told you it wasn't appropriate, though, I'm inclined to believe that you ran up against some very reasonable expectations of behavior in civil, respectful company.

DC: --- Once again appartnyl these rules only apply to me and not the others

Daniel

 

[jdavis]

Lol! I suppose I should have quoted more of the original post. It seemed that he was reading a lot during the session, and just paying "partial" attention to the game (since he felt that he didn't to do much more). That wouldn't be acceptable in the game that I run.

Thankfully, they're my friends and like the same type of gaming style that I do - those are the only types of player I'd accept, obviously.

Thanks for your understanding, though.

I think what has got everybody jumping here is that they are appling this situation to their groups and not the situation as laid out. When we were younger we used to play that when you sat down at the table you were in character, you only said things your character would say and would only discuss things your character would discuss. You would pay strict attention and modules were built around individual characters. This didn't last to long as it got to be more of a chore than entertainment (of course I gamed with a lot of TV and theater majors in shcool). Now we game for fun and we don't take it that serious. I have been gaining for 25 years I have gamed a lot of different games and a lot of different styles. This sounded more like a beer and pretzels type of get together and not a serious roleplaying intensive game. What is acceptable in one game is not always acceptable in another. You have to look at how THEY were playing.

I do wish I could ban cell phones from the game though, we get half a dozen calls a game, most are the "hey would you pick up some milk on the way home", type. It's hard to get through combat when somebody's wife keeps calling and asking them where they left the TV remote or if they know so and so's phone number. My wife got me a cell phone and now I feel like I have been darted with a tracking device on Wild Kingdom.

 

[Seaver]

Heh, it sounds like some of you would just despise me.

I show up late so frequently that my friends just assume I will be 30 minutes to an hour late. They brought it up with me a long time ago and my response was pretty much that I won't hold it against them if they start without me and that I realize I may miss out on XP or treasure or whatever and I'm okay with that.

Unless it's my wife or someone paying me for my time I'm going to show up when I'm ready, although it is flattering that people miss me so much when I'm not there.

As far as backing out on purely social engagements, I have no problem with that either if I really don't feel like doing something. If just chilling around the house is what will make me happy that evening, that's what I'm going to do. Sure it may upset someone else's plans, but hey would you rather someone else's night be ruined or your own? Ummm better you than me thanks.

This does not happen frequently though. If I make plans they tend to be things either I'm looking forward to or pretty much have to do like show up at weddings or funerals.

Selfish? Hell yes I am, but I'm pretty darn happy with life too so it seems to be working for me. I fully respect anyone else who has this attitude as well. I may have my plans thrown off on occasion and yes I do get irritated, but I just figure something else out and roll with it.

Order of importance for me is:
Wife
Me
Immediate Family (parents and siblings and such)
Work
Friends
Everyone else

If I was gaming with someone who just couldn't handle this, well then so be it. I'm not going to change any time soon so it's best that I just don't play with them, no biggie. It's candyasses like the DM in question who can't just deal face to face that I don't respect.


Oh yeah, I read at the table and completely ignore the action on occasion too.

I actually use it in character though. For some reason I just can't make successful Spot checks (I've made 6 since 3e came out), which I always played as my character getting distracted by "shinies." This led to me voluntarily assuming that if I'm oblivious so is my character, "Ooh shiny!"

A bit unhealthy, yet very entertaining when I'm playing a rogue.

 

[Henry]

My wife got me a cell phone and now I feel like I have been darted with a tracking device on Wild Kingdom.

This is why God made off switches. Since I am neither doctor nor drug dealer, I'll turn my cell phone off at the drop of a hat. Most cell phone packages nowadays include messaging services for missed calls, so it's not a situation of being out of touch completely.

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HIGHLY OPINIONATED RANT: While I do fully appreciate that we are playing games with our time spent role-playing, I am also of the opinion that when we commit to a roleplaying game, we commit to spending our time and undivided attention to the session at hand; others who do not understand this will feel free to interrupt you at a moment's notice for any trivial piece of info they need. It's a matter of respect for others, as it is the importance of committing to a social event itself.

If a player phones to miss an event, I have not problem with it, as long as it is not a common occurrance. If it is ahead of time by at least 24 hours, no problems. If it is five minutes before we startm however, that's either rude or an emergency.

If, however, someone blows off three out of five game sessions, then they are not showing respect to their friends with whom they get togeter with.

RPG's are different from other social gatherings in ONE respect: PARTICIPATION. Unlike a barbecue, or a Superbowl Party, or a casual meeting, RPG's require participation and planning. To blow off an event consistently tells you something about a person's opinion of both you and your importance to them.

A better analogy would be a dinner date, or a theatrical performance. If someone cancels at the last minute due to emergency or sudden plan change, then it is sad but unavoidable. If however, someone consistently ducks the dinner dates set, or is never at play rehearsal, then that show lack of cosideration.

END OF HIGHLY OPINIONATED RANT.
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[Pielorinho]

I realize that you feel it's unfair to place the blame solely on the DM based on one side's evidence, but why are you so eager to put it all on DarkCrisis instead?
J

but originally posted by me:

It sounds to me as if DarkCrisis' DM may value folks' showing up to a session, and may value folks' paying attention to what's going on when he's actually describing a scene. I can totally understand that: these are both important to me. It also sounds to me like the DM may be petty and vindictive, and responds to thoughtless rudeness with passive-aggressive nonsense.

Again, this isn't to say that your DM handled matters well. Were I playing in this group, I'd likely drop out based on his treatment of you. Nevertheless, you don't come across entirely blameless here.

Daniel

 

[jdavis]

This is why God made off switches. Since I am neither doctor nor drug dealer, I'll turn my cell phone off at the drop of a hat. Most cell phone packages nowadays include messaging services for missed calls, so it's not a situation of being out of touch completely.

.
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If I turned the phone off how could she call me and ask me what I am doing every hour? I am also supposed to make sure it is turned on anytime she is not here and I get on the internet, paticularly when she is at work, that way she is sure to be able to get ahold of me to tell me how bored she is at work 4 or 5 times a night. I don't have the messaging service on this phone but then again nobody calls it but her.

For gaming it becomes a minor nuisance (heck one guy gets e-mail on his IPAQ) but we don't game a seriously as we used to, so it's only a minor annoyance. Everybody tries to keep the calls short so they don't miss out on anything.

 

[Arnwyn]

I think what has got everybody jumping here is that they are appling this situation to their groups and not the situation as laid out.

I totally agree. However, I think that's all we pretty much can do in this situation. We clearly have only a one-sided story, so we all have to make some (pretty wild) assumptions. And I know the original post sure rubbed me the wrong way (even though information on the general group and situation is clearly lacking).

I do wish I could ban cell phones from the game though, we get half a dozen calls a game, most are the "hey would you pick up some milk on the way home", type. It's hard to get through combat when somebody's wife keeps calling and asking them where they left the TV remote or if they know so and so's phone number. My wife got me a cell phone and now I feel like I have been darted with a tracking device on Wild Kingdom.

We have. Just as Henry said, there is an off button, and all the cell phones we have can take messages. Thankfully, nobody in the group has children, so it isn't a great concern. Also, everyone's S.O. knows the phone number of the location where we will be gaming - the DM's (my) place. This helps keep all phone calls at an absolute minimum (as others won't call my place unless there is a good reason). Therefore, as soon as people come through my door, the cell phones are turned OFF.

 

[jdavis]

I totally agree. However, I think that's all we pretty much can do in this situation. We clearly have only a one-sided story, so we all have to make some (pretty wild) assumptions. And I know the original post sure rubbed me the wrong way (even though information on the general group and situation is clearly lacking).

Yea but by page three the situation has been fleshed out a whole lot more. As far as the not showing up arguement goes this has taken a life of it's own outside of the topic and it is obvious that there are several ways to view it and they are all just opinions. The fact is that everybody plays different and expects different things out of the game. You can't say "hey you are wrong it has to be this way and only this way" in this discussion.

We have. Just as Henry said, there is an off button, and all the cell phones we have can take messages. Thankfully, nobody in the group has children, so it isn't a great concern. Also, everyone's S.O. knows the phone number of the location where we will be gaming - the DM's (my) place. This helps keep all phone calls at an absolute minimum (as others won't call my place unless there is a good reason). Therefore, as soon as people come through my door, the cell phones are turned OFF.

Yea almost everybody in our group has a wife and/or children. One person carries a beeper and may have to leave at the drop of a hat if it's his weekend to be on call, and one guy used to run a tech suppost desk (the one who got e-mails on the IPAQ). One player's father-in-law is really sick and he misses a lot and has to be in almost constant touch when he can make it. That's why we don't play deep serious games anymore, the real world just won't let us. We are thankful we can still game at all, heck we don't hardly see each other except on game day, it's the only regular "friend interaction" left to us. If we got as touchy as many people around here are on stuff the game would fold within a week, the game is less imprtant than our friendship, D&D is just something we do when/if we get together.

 

[Bastoche]

This is why God made off switches. Since I am neither doctor nor drug dealer, I'll turn my cell phone off at the drop of a hat. Most cell phone packages nowadays include messaging services for missed calls, so it's not a situation of being out of touch completely.

---------------
HIGHLY OPINIONATED RANT: While I do fully appreciate that we are playing games with our time spent role-playing, I am also of the opinion that when we commit to a roleplaying game, we commit to spending our time and undivided attention to the session at hand; others who do not understand this will feel free to interrupt you at a moment's notice for any trivial piece of info they need. It's a matter of respect for others, as it is the importance of committing to a social event itself.

If a player phones to miss an event, I have not problem with it, as long as it is not a common occurrance. If it is ahead of time by at least 24 hours, no problems. If it is five minutes before we startm however, that's either rude or an emergency.

If, however, someone blows off three out of five game sessions, then they are not showing respect to their friends with whom they get togeter with.

RPG's are different from other social gatherings in ONE respect: PARTICIPATION. Unlike a barbecue, or a Superbowl Party, or a casual meeting, RPG's require participation and planning. To blow off an event consistently tells you something about a person's opinion of both you and your importance to them.

A better analogy would be a dinner date, or a theatrical performance. If someone cancels at the last minute due to emergency or sudden plan change, then it is sad but unavoidable. If however, someone consistently ducks the dinner dates set, or is never at play rehearsal, then that show lack of cosideration.

END OF HIGHLY OPINIONATED RANT.
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It's like playing in a band. It just don't "sound" the same without the drummer or the lead guitar or the vocals...