'Splain somethin' to me....

[DungeonmasterCal]

Ok...as I've stated before, I'm getting a divorce after 15 years of marriage (tomorrow marks that anniversary). There's no anger, bitterness, or rancor...just the acceptance of the inevitable when two people who still care about each other gradually drift too far apart to reconcile.

The last four years we've lived apart, yet still worked in the same place, carpooled, hung out, etc. I've not dated anyone, and neither has she. I'm very comfortable with my own space, and don't feel a need to "have" someone there. Which brings me to this question: Why do people just not get that I'm ok with being alone and not dating? My brother, who I told about the divorce yesterday, IMMEDIATELY asked when I was going to start dating. Another friend, after his divorce, has had a string of horrible relationships yet still insists "a bad relationship is better than not being in one at all". I just don't get it. What is this fixation people have with "being with someone"? My brother and his wife are already trying to set me up with someone, and I've not even signed on the dotted line yet.

At 42, I've decided to set my bar pretty high for if/when I start dating. If she doesn't know 3 uses for a d12 and her way through the PHB's of at least two editions of D&D, I'm not even gonna bother.

sheesh.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Most people are scared of being alone and feeling "unloved" and they assume others feel the same way. They also assume you are hiding your feelings/pain when you say you are OK with not having a S.O.

Kudos to you if you are one of the people comfortable enough with yourself that you don't feel the need to have someone else around, but be prepared for others to just not get it.

Oh, and your brother and his wife might be scared of you turning into "bitter (or creepy)divorced guy," so they figure if they get you back into dating quick, maybe they'll prevent that from happening.

 

[diaglo]

maybe it's cuz talking to yourself about your precious can freak the casual or even intimate observer out.

besides doing the five knuckle chuckle can get old.

you don't have to date to have a relationship. but you should at least reach out and interact with those around you. like you are doing here.

but i'm not an expert.

diaglo "still very happily married" Ooi

 

[Crothian]

They also might want to help you and think that';s a way they can help you. They also might think you are in denial about everything, that you really are not okay with it.

 

[DungeonmasterCal]

"Five knuckle chuckle"... lawdy...that made me laugh until I hurt!

Yeah...I suspect they think I'm in denial, but I'm honestly not. I know from denial. This has been building for years, and the only denial either she or I experienced was believing it would work out. She and I both feel a weird sense of closure about everything, and really have no problems with it anymore. I was a bit saddened last week when she said she wanted to go ahead and move forward with it, because 15 years is a long time. But...life goes on and on.

I already have a rep as the strange guy on my block. I've taught my goldfish to eat from my fingers. So I'm off to a great start!

 

[Rel]

I think that the desire for companionship is a very deep rooted urge that most people have. And, since we all see the world as colored by our own experiences, we want for those we love that which has brought us great joy.

That said, I take considerable issue with your pal who says, "A bad relationship is better than no relationship at all." But I also think that your "high standard" is a bit silly too, DMC. Not that you shouldn't define what you want in a partner but insisting that she be an experienced gamer, along with all the other qualities that she must no doubt possess to make her a compatible date or mate means you are fishin' in a very small pool. Better (in my opinion) to take things as they come. You might meet a wonderful woman who isn't a gamer but might take up the hobby because of you. Or maybe one who doesn't really want to game but who has no problems letting you pursue your hobby.

Anyway, I'm not telling you how to run your life, only suggesting that you not close your mind to too many possibilities. I wish you luck in finding that which suits you well and makes you happy, whether it be female companionship or whatever.

P.S. "The Five Knuckle Chuckle" gave me a chuckle too but my recent favorite euphamism for that activity is "Jostlin' the Elders".

 

[DungeonmasterCal]

I think that the desire for companionship is a very deep rooted urge that most people have. And, since we all see the world as colored by our own experiences, we want for those we love that which has brought us great joy.

That said, I take considerable issue with your pal who says, "A bad relationship is better than no relationship at all." But I also think that your "high standard" is a bit silly too, DMC. Not that you shouldn't define what you want in a partner but insisting that she be an experienced gamer, along with all the other qualities that she must no doubt possess to make her a compatible date or mate means you are fishin' in a very small pool. Better (in my opinion) to take things as they come. You might meet a wonderful woman who isn't a gamer but might take up the hobby because of you. Or maybe one who doesn't really want to game but who has no problems letting you pursue your hobby.

Anyway, I'm not telling you how to run your life, only suggesting that you not close your mind to too many possibilities. I wish you luck in finding that which suits you well and makes you happy, whether it be female companionship or whatever.

P.S. "The Five Knuckle Chuckle" gave me a chuckle too but my recent favorite euphamism for that activity is "Jostlin' the Elders".

Being from Arkansas, Jostlin the Elders really hits home...

Yeah...my friend has relationship issues. He just up and divorced his wife 5 years ago, and she was utterly devoted to him. He totally blindsided her with it. The three of us are still friends, and I've always felt bad for her.

I was being fascetious with my "want list" for compatibility. I was exaggerating to make a point...I guess the gud ol' innernet still has trouble conveying sarcasm. I'm too old to jump through the crazy dating hoops I did 15+ years ago, so I'm just going to be more discriminating; certainly more so than my buddy. He's already had one woman try to kill him and another try to get him arrested on false charges. She did manage to set him up to get fired from a job he liked. And he still thinks "they could've worked things out".

Oy.

 

[Kid Charlemagne]

He's already had one woman try to kill him and another try to get him arrested on false charges. She did manage to set him up to get fired from a job he liked. And he still thinks "they could've worked things out".

Oy.

Ya know, if I didn't know you were from Arkansas, I would still know you were from Arkansas... (says the guy who spent his last two years of High Scool in Mountain Home).

I hear you on the "discriminating dating." There are wonderful people out there, it's just so much more difficult to meet them when you're in your late thirties (I'm 39). It's a very good thing to be OK with being by yourself - I certainly do not agree with the "must be in relationship crowd." I've seen that, and it can be destructive. I've always been very self-sufficient that way, myself. Wait - that sounds bad... Um, I mean to say, I'm OK with not being in a relationship... Yeah, that's better.

 

[DungeonmasterCal]

Heh...his ex-wife is from Mt. Home...she graduated HS there about 1988, I think.

 

[sniffles]

Cal, I think it's great that you're good with being "on your own". I've never understood that attitude of thinking one must be in a relationship or one is incomplete, either. It generally seems to me that people who think that way are very unhappy people who need to learn to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with someone else. E-harmony notwithstanding, I think the time you're most likely to find someone compatible is when you're not looking. I also don't believe there's a "soul mate" for everyone; some people don't have one, some people have several. Just enjoy your life.

Be nice to yourself. Even an amicable divorce is traumatic. And don't let those relationship-mongers get to you.