D&D General That one player who cancels at the last day

[ReshiIRE]

Yeah, I’m very touchy when it comes to people giving me grief about my work life. My youngest’ s son’s 18th birthday is this weekend, but we couldn’t plan a party for him because I’ll be working from 12AM to at least 5AM this weekend (if all goes well, which is unlikely), with having to get back up at 10AM to give a report on how the upgrade has gone, and address any issues that have come up. Then be in the office bright & cheery at 8 AM come Monday. And I have to do this at least 3 times a year (down from 4 from previous years). This doesn’t include other upgrades and issues throughout the year (such as being in the middle of a Thanksgiving dinner at relatives when a client calls that their system is down).

Don’t get me started about our management deciding Christmas two years ago was a good time to do our end-of-year upgrade, because “no one would be on the system”. Gee, I wonder why that could be…

I enjoy being able to set time aside to play a game of D&D - but sometimes life interferes, and I’ve had days coming home from work and my brain is so melted I don’t even take dinner and just go to bed and say to hell with it all. Lately, I’ve had a few instances where I’ve just had to reschedule our weekend game because I’m just too burned out and need a day just to destress - and end up running errands that have been piling up.

<EDIT>. As Arnold once said, “I need a vacation” - the past year and a half has been exceptionally hellish.

The more I read more stories the more I am lucky that I have a 9 to 6 software engineering job and don't have to deal with that. I hope they compensate you well - pretty clear they couldn't run the shop without you.

 

[Not a Hobbit]

Also, I know we love this hobby, but it's just a game. Sometimes people don't feel like it and even if it were that case here, that's okay too. We should care more about our friends than whether or not we get to home invasion some goblins one day in a week.

That's valid. But consider this: The first week one of the players has to go into work, the next week one of the players has to stay home with a sick child, the next week the DM's in-laws are in town, the next week one of the players has to study for finals, and then the next week you just don't feel like playing. Can you see how that would get a bit frustrating, and someone would question your commitment to the social contract which is a D&D party?

I've kicked people who have frequent absences. Not with malice. I just say "I don't think it's working out. Sorry."

 

[Vaalingrade]

We just had a month off and then went right back to the game.

How? Because we recognize that we're all adults with lives and mental health and we'd care more about each other and the time we can spend together than a little downtime due to life.

D&D is supposed to be FUN, not a burdensome commitment we assail our friends over.

 

[Lanefan]

In a game with 3 players, we'd normally sail if one was absent.

In a game with 5 players we'd normally sail if two were absent.

Trying to have every player attend every session soon becomes an exercise in cat-herding.

 

[Thomas Shey]

On the other hand, for some of use frequent or long interruptions in schedule destroys most of the benefit of even having a campaign. I'm not going to fault if people just can't keep that up, but I'm also not interested in trying to participate in a game with people who are in that situation. Not my gig.

 

[Bird Of Play]

We just had a month off and then went right back to the game.

How? Because we recognize that we're all adults with lives and mental health and we'd care more about each other and the time we can spend together than a little downtime due to life.

D&D is supposed to be FUN, not a burdensome commitment we assail our friends over.

Woah woah!
I explained in this thread that I ask for 3 hours a week, nothing more, and if you can't all you need to do is warn in time, and when the player bailed out the first time I didn't mind at all, and the reason I -do- mind this time is only because "random generic work excuse" still feels a bit odd to me.

Any less than this, and I practically wouldn't be able to run a campaign at all.

Even entertainment can be a commitment. You ever done sports? Compared to that, the commitment of just a DnD session roughly every week, is really not much at all.
And, again, I don't mind having to skip a week because someone got busy. I just mind when I feel like the reason given is not 100% convincing. Keep in mind you're not just ruining my plans: you're also ruining the plans of the other players who kept their evening free to play. At least, do warn us in time.

 

[Dausuul]

That's valid. But consider this: The first week one of the players has to go into work, the next week one of the players has to stay home with a sick child, the next week the DM's in-laws are in town, the next week one of the players has to study for finals, and then the next week you just don't feel like playing. Can you see how that would get a bit frustrating, and someone would question your commitment to the social contract which is a D&D party?

Wait, what? So four different people are unable to attend on four different sessions, for four sensible reasons, and then one person "just doesn't feel like playing." Whose commitment are we questioning here? All of these people? Just the one who "didn't feel like playing?" If the latter, what does this have to do with OP's situation?

Or am I misunderstanding the hypothetical, and this is actually the same person missing all these sessions?

I've kicked people who have frequent absences. Not with malice. I just say "I don't think it's working out. Sorry."

Sure, that makes perfect sense. But "frequent absences" does not require a lot of second-guessing or trying to suss out anybody's level of commitment. You just have to decide--how many absences from a given player are you willing to put up with? And then you make your decision based on that.

If somebody can only make 1 session in 4, they may have the best reason in the world for having to miss the other 3, and you could still conclude that you aren't willing to play with someone who can't make it to 75% of the games. And when you sit down to have that conversation, it's not about "commitment," it's about what the group needs and what the person can provide. If those don't line up, for whatever reason, then with the best will in the world, it may be time to part ways.

In OP's case, you have two data points, which isn't much to go on. But it's safe to say Player A will miss more sessions--maybe a lot, maybe just a few--and OP might decide it's too many. Which is a reasonable decision to make! But there's no need to cast doubt on Player A's stated reasons for not attending.

 

[jasper]

Hmmm. Lets see some quotes.
….But when those 3 hours a week happen, I expect my players to commit to those 3 hours a week. If you can't commit 3 hours a week to the game, just don't ask to join the group or be very upfront about how you cannot do that on a semi-regular basis. We're living people, not a Netflix program you can choose to watch or not. It's rude to cancel at the last minute when the other guys have made sure to keep their evening free……
…..I explained in this thread that I ask for 3 hours a week, nothing more, and if you can't all you need to do is warn in time, and when the player bailed out the first time I didn't mind at all, and the reason I -do- mind this time is only because "random generic work excuse" still feels a bit odd to me.
…….
Even entertainment can be a commitment. You ever done sports? Compared to that, the commitment of just a DnD session roughly every week, is really not much at all. ……

The OP is kind sounding like an entitled DM.

 

[Tom Bagwell]

Reasons don't have to sound "convincing" to be true. I've found it a lot better all-around to assume the player is being truthful and just take them at their word. If they miss too many sessions, even with valid reasons, then you might want to discuss it with them.

 

[CubicsRube]

Find a job that doesn't require 10+ hours daily and be fixated with routine.

Not having kids also helps, I hear..... but frankly kids are the one thing I'd love to disrupt my routine!

And backyards to be mowed. And mother in law backyards to be mowed. And pets with medical issues, doctors appointments (you need more and more) and trying to keep healthy...

I'm going to stop now because it's getting depressing.