The Chronicle of Burne, and Some Others of Lesser Importance *Updated May 17th, 2009*

[Rolzup]

She Can Make A Blind Man See, She Can Make A Dead Man... Better

So there was Rackhir, his corpse slowly cooling in the late morning air. The Tenor was still weeping fist-sized tears, broken in the alarming way only a sad man as large as a barn can be, and Kenji, stalking about the courtyard, showing as much emotion as I've ever seen from him. Which can be best described as some.

The Meiji fellow was...oh, I don't know. Painting his nails, perhaps. He did seem vaguely apologetic about getting the archer's spine compressed, but was rather less sorrowful than one would expect from a man who was responsible for the death of one of his own countrymen.

Foreigners. A sad, heartless bunch, who will no doubt be genuinely grateful when Eris conquers their lands at long last. We can civilize the Ajakhani, I'm certain of it. It will take fire, steel, phlogistonic munitions…

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE PHLOGISTON?

…and stirringly patriotic music. And I intend to enjoy every last second of it.

I SHOULD MENTION BURNE WAS DEMONSTRATING HIS GRIEF BY SKETCHING A COMPLICATED-LOOKING HAT INTO THE DIRT WITH A STICK.

For my part, I was having an idea. Consideration of Rackhir's remains had triggered a cascade of thought, and had culminated in a moment of unparalleled brilliance. It needed time, and my workshop, in order to bring this idea to fruition...but when it was completed, I would be entirely safe from this Nadir fellow and his foul Shirac mind-magics.

ONE WOULD THINK THAT BEING BRAIN-DEAD WOULD BE PROTECTION ENOUGH.

Searing heat, you see, has a way of focusing the mind and.... No. Now is not the time. I shall explain matters anon, in the proper context. Until that moment arrives, rest assured that my brilliance had once again shown clear, even at this dark moment.

In the meantime, Rackhir remained dead. Fortunately, we were owed a rather substantial favor by the priestesses of Aja Opal Blossom for rescuing their sisters from the rapacious ministrations of the brown devil Polyneecheeans on the island of St. Tarte’s, and I -- for one -- was not shy about claiming it.

BURNE HAS NEVER BEEN DESCRIBED AS BASHFUL, THAT'S VERY TRUE.

At my direction, the corpse was wrapped into a handy tarpaulin and then bundled into a wagon. We set off for the temple of the Queen of Tarts, SBUH, talking quietly amongst ourselves, while Daikon stayed at the monastery and tried to calm the Tenor.

Have you ever gazed upon the high temple of Aja in Naryan? It is perhaps best captured by the unknown graffiti artist who painted these words upon its smoothly curving walls.

On Zanadu Street did Aja-san
A shapely pleasure-dome decree
Where concupiscent rivers ran
Through caverns pleasure-full to man
For a modest fee

BURNE HAS THE SOUL OF A POET. HE KEEPS IT IN A JAR OF FORMALDEYDE UNDER HIS BED, NEXT TO HIS OWN CONSCIENCE.

We were admitted to the temple without inordinate delay, and once the situation was explained to her, Tawny Portal, the former guardian of St. Tarte’s Bodice, agreed to help us by raising the archer from the dead.

In...ah...more ways than one. How can I explain this, I wonder, without exceeding the bounds of propriety and good taste?

NOW, AFTER THIS TIME, HE STARTS WORRYING ABOUT THAT? NEXT HE’LL BE EXPRESSING AN INTEREST IN FIRE SAFETY.

Let me, I suppose, be blunt about the situation. The Sisters of Aja Opal-Blossom do not only, as most religious sorts do, lay the dead the rest. In rare cases, they lay them to life. And Tawny proposed to just this for Rackhir, with the aid of the saint’s holy Bodice.

She asked if one of us could provide a bag or something so that she might avoid looking at Rackhir's crushed head...an unpleasant enough sight even when fully intact.

Meiji obliged, and used some of his mummery to turn the corpse invisible. The speed with which he made the offer makes one wonder if rendering a lover’s face unseen is a necessary courtship practice in his homeland, or one germane only to Meiji’s own love-life. And while we waited in the parlor, Tawny did her work. The conversation was, as I recall, strained and uncomfortable....

 

[shilsen]

On Zanadu Street did Aja-san
A shapely pleasure-dome decree
Where concupiscent rivers ran
Through caverns pleasure-full to man
For a modest fee

*wipes away a tear*

That's beautiful, man! Just beautiful!

Meiji obliged, and used some of his mummery to turn the corpse invisible. The speed with which he made the offer makes one wonder if rendering a lover’s face unseen is a necessary courtship practice in his homeland, or one germane only to Meiji’s own love-life.

Burne can be surprisingly perceptive sometimes.

And while we waited in the parlor, Tawny did her work. The conversation was, as I recall, strained and uncomfortable....

Maybe for you guys. Meiji was listening at the door, making notes and trying to waylay passing priestesses and ask how he might join the order.

 

[HalfOrc HalfBiscuit]

Another first class update ... absolutely brilliant, in fact. Even if it does defile one of my favourite poems.

 

[pogre]

Good to see our narrator back! and commentator!

 

[Richard Rawen]

More plot twists and turns than the Corkscrew (An insane roller-coaster infamous for it's "splatter zone")
And yet . . . Good Stuff!

 

[Rolzup]

Life After Death

Rackhir emerged from making the "Priest with Two Backs" with Tawny Portal as red in face as he was in garb. I, cloaked as always in my own dignity, forbore to comment. While Meiji, as I recall, snickered in a decidedly foreign fashion, and made a variety of off-color comments about the binding of feet. Fueled by disappointment, I venture to guess, that the clergy of Aja Opal-Blossom had chosen not to gather him to their collective bosoms.

Metaphorical or otherwise.

I questioned Rackhir about his experiences following his unfortunate murder, and he professed ignorance as to what lay beyond the Great Veil. He admitted to feeling somewhat enervated by the situation, and a brief examination showed that some of his animus had indeed been drained away. He also professed to feeling sleepy, and wanted, of all things, a petite cigar of the kind favored by Yeti. Most likely due to the lingering after-effects of the Bodice's magic.

Having offered our gratitude, both of the intangible and of the material sort, we pried Meiji away from the priestesses and set out for the monastery. The little fellow was delighted with himself, virtually dancing with glee, because Tawny had professed her gratitude to him for rendering Rackhir's corpse invisible. In his eyes, this meant that she was in his debt. Priestess or no, I found myself fearing for her very soul.

At no point along the way did Rackhir speak to Meiji, or even acknowledge his presence, but his gaze...well. I never before knew that a glare could be such an eloquent method of expression. It spoke volumes, even though Meiji continued to burble on about trivialities all the while that Rackhir was looking daggers at him.

Or...ha!...looking arrows at him.

THE HILARITY NEVER STOPS.

Alas, matters had continued to progress in our absence. Upon arriving at the monastery, we found a drunken giant, a stupefied green-grocer, and a pile of rubble where a statue had once stood.

Oh, and a large hole, leading down into darkness. A threatening, unwholesome sort of thing, it gave off an almost palpable chill even in the bright sunlight that was flooding the courtyard. I was myself, entirely unafraid...

AS WOULD HAVE BEEN CLEAR TO ANYONE, DESPITE THE CHATTERING TEETH AND THE WHIMPERING.

...but I could clearly see the beads of sweat that sprung up upon Kenji's brow. We managed to bestir King Daikon, after some violence and effort, and he told us that shortly after we had left the Tenor had apparently gone mad, and furiously smashed the statue of the Bishop into flinders. No sooner had this been done than Daikon found himself paralyzed by an invisible assailant. No doubt that villainous violet-eyed Shirac, Nadir Akmad-Medhi...

BURNE'S COMMAND OF THE LANGUAGE...

...had returned to carry out his investigation of the hidden shrine!

...IS MATCHED ONLY BY HIS COMMAND OF THE OBVIOUS.

By use of certain of the Engine's lenses, I was able to ascertain that a trail of thaumic radiation did indeed cross the courtyard, and enter the opening. Only to emerge, and lead out of of the monastary gounds entirely.

What had he found in the darkness below? Well, I supposed we would have to find out. I, as the leader of this motley crew, chose Rackhir to lead the expedition....reasoning, naturally enough, that it was unlikely that his day could get any worse.

 

[Delemental]

What had he found in the darkness below? Well, I supposed we would have to find out. I, as the leader of this motley crew, chose Rackhir to lead the expedition....reasoning, naturally enough, that it was unlikely that his day could get any worse.

Famous last words...

 

[Rolzup]

Please Sir, May I Have... Your Soul!

With a word, I kindled luminescence upon a bolt, and fired it down into the darkness. It provided enough light to allow us to see that there was a chamber some fifteen feet below the surface of the courtyard, and that it extended some distance beyond our sight. We could see nothing moving, and heard no sounds at all.

"Probably a trap," I thought to myself. At my order, Rackhir leaped to obey, and rapidly descended into the pit...

HE VOLUNTEERED, ACTUALLY. DEEP, DARK PIT, PROBABLY FILLED WITH MONSTERS? OR LISTENING TO BURNE? THE CHOICE IS PAINFULLY CLEAR.

...followed, with a sniff of disdain, by Kenji. Meiji and Myself took up positions at the opening, prepared to offer assistance with our various arts. Or hobby, really, in Meiji's case.

The screaming began mere moments later. And it was not coming, for a change, from either Rackhir or Kenji. A...thing came floating up the shaft; an insubstantial creature the size and proportions of a child. It was wailing, and babbling, and seemed most distressed...and I, my heart taken by pity, could not help but shed a sympathetic tear.

IT HYPNOTIZED HIM. NOT THAT STUPIFYING BURNE IS ANY GREAT FEAT.

So overcome with emotion, I lost track of matters for a few moments. Apparently other, more substantial child-corpses, set upon the Ajikhani below, and were met by stiff resistance. Meiji, no doubt, clapped his hands and squealed with glee at the sight.

Abraxis, for some bizarre reason, chose this moment to make an attack upon my person. Cranial adjustments were clearly needed, and to the best of my recollection I made them shortly therafter, with the aid of a sledgehammer.

I WAS TRYING TO ROUSE HIM FROM HIS STUPOR. IN HOPES OF HIS ACTUALLY BEING USEFUL FOR A CHANGE. NEXT TIME, I'LL JUST LET HIS SOUL GET EATEN. SEE IF I CARE.

When I came to myself again, I found that Kenji and Rackhir were beset by several foes, including one who appeared to be thrusting his hand directly into Rackhir's chest. I used the Engine to generate a bolt of force, which drove the thing back long enough for the archer to catch his breath.

At this point, with an incantation and a wholly unneccessary flourish of his hands, Meiji conjured forth a wall of fire Not a patch on the sort of thing I could produce, were I so inclined. Pale, colorless flames, barely hot enough to toast a piece of bread...and not even a hint of sulphur! Indeed, I though for a moment that I smelled the perfume of cherry blossoms upon the air.

Effeminate frippery, and typical of the sort of decadent nonsense that will someday bring the Ajikhani empire crashing down.

Meiji's shoddy wall divided the chamber more or less in half, with the foe packed in tightly around his two countrymen. As this left them without room to maneuver, and with the corprophages surrounding them all sides, this seemed to me to be a rather odd tactic to adopt.

And then I realized, upon the instant, his plan. Clearly, he wished to kill both Kenji and Rackhir, for reasons all his own. I could not deny that his goals were indeed noble, surprisingly so, but his tactical sense was clearly lacking. Once the two of them were dead, who would be left for these living corpses to batten upon? Only myself and Meiji. I toyed for a moment with the idea of applying a boot to his backside, and then using an
application of Burne's Resinous Agglutination to seal the entrance, but abandoned the scheme with some reluctance.

Barbaric and foolish though these foreign devils may be, they still have some uses. And if they were to fall victim to such foes as these, then their corpses would likely be devoured before I could discover said uses....

The point was soon rendered moot, however. Rackhir, rapidly followed by the skirted swordsman, dove through the flames and vanished from our sight. I could not withhold a snort of disdain; had these been flames of my creation, both of them would have been burnt to cinders upon the instant. Demonstrating the truth of this, I used Burne's Incandescent Arc to finish off a few of the undead horrors myself, while encouraging Meiji to descend and aid his countrymen. The coward, naturally, declined.

I heard the sounds of battle, and yelps of pain, coming from behind the curtain of flame. More clearly than anything else, I could hear a stream of steady curses in Rackhir's voice. I could not understand his barbaric tongue, but Meiji assumed a blush of pride at this invective. He'll wake up looking like a porcupine some morning soon, I don't doubt.

With a reluctant sigh, he at last let the flames gutter out. We could then see the others, still smoldering a little, finishing off the remaining corpses. One of the insubstantial things evaded them, however, and flew up the shaft. As Meiji gibbered in terror, I used another bolt of force to disperse the thing once and for all.

As I admired my handiwork, Meiji eagerly climbed down the ladder into the chamber below. And as I prepared to join him, I could not help but pause as I heard him cry out, in a voice filled with delight, "Oooh, cake!"

This, I felt sure, boded ill.

 

[pogre]

Thanks for the update!

 

[Richard Rawen]

I love the final lines... what a commentary on the attitudes of the PC's *chuckles*

Just wanted to tip my hat, keep up the good work!