The Chronicle of Burne, and Some Others of Lesser Importance *Updated May 17th, 2009*

[Mallus]

From a children's book about CITY...

“Let me make this as clear as possible. I’m writing this for the money, specifically, to pay for my last great expedition, in which I’m going to sail beyond the edge of the world. Into the past; thus proving the world is, in fact, a tesseract. Can you say ‘tesseract’, boys and girls? I thought not.

-- Captain Vasco de Texaco, from the unused introduction to “So Many Cities: A Children’s Urban Studies Primer”, Junior War College Press, Eris:CITY , MSY 261.


“B” is for Bessho. Bessho is a city full of temples. And monkeys! Do you like temples? I bet you like monkeys. The monkeys in Bessho walk and talk. Some even wear hats! They are called Hannu. Would you like one for pet, I mean ‘friend’? Hannu make great ‘friends’. But don’t get too close, or you’ll get fleas. “B” is also for bamboo. Bessho is in the middle of a bamboo forest. It’s a pretty forest. Except for all the monkey .


“E” is for Eris. Eris is the mightiest city in CITY. It was the capital of the Gate Builder Empire. The Avenue of Gates is in Eris. From there you can walk to all of CITY. What other words begin with ‘e’? “Excellent” and “eternal”! These words describe Eris best. Some people say “evil” and “empire” describe Eris best. Those people should be put in chains.


“G” is for Gallina. Gallina is a city in a volcanic crater! Who would build a city there? What if it erupts? What if it rains? Where would all the water go? Gallina is also called ‘Gallina i’Arco” which means “Gallina is all wet”. The men in Gallina are something called “gallant”. That means they like to talk too much, wear flouncy blouses, and fight with thin little swords. What do we call men who do that? That’s right children, women. Gallina is the home of the Guild of the Gondoliers. They ride around in little boats and stick their noses into everybody’s business. What do we do to nosy people in Eris, children? That’s right, we order our guards to cut the nosy folks noses right off. Can you order that ten times fast?


“H” is for Hannikum. Hannikum is a big city. In a big jungle. Full of big dinosaurs. So many dinosaurs that the people of Hannikum built huge towers topped with fires around their city to scare the dinosaurs away.
Hannikum is ruled by a priest-king. They only have one god, because they are poor. But they have a lot of faith. And they have too many people. So guess what they throw on the fires?


“L” is for Ling-Garah. Ling-Garah is a city made of gardens. Big gardens, little gardens. So many gardens. Gardens full of delicious things to eat. And delicious things to smoke. And delicious things to put in your enemies food when they aren’t looking. The Garahjah live there. They are a race made of gardeners. When they talk to their plants, the plants listen to them. This is fortunate, because no-one else does.


“M” is for Marimbra. Marimbra is a desert city. It’s in an oasis at the edge the Lassantees Wastes. Marimbra is the home of the Shirac people. Oh silly me, I mean ‘that degenerate witch-race called the Shirac”. Can you say all of that, children? Don’t worry, you will one day. The Shirac are traders. In tapestries. And cheap glass that glows. And talking pots. And singing swords. All kinds of magic junk. The Shirac say they are all going to leave this world one day because they’re moving to Heaven. Good riddance!


“N” is for Narayan. Narayan is a port city. Merchants from all over the world sail there. That means Narayan is full of sailors and moneychangers and whores! Not too mention lawyers. Do you know what “scruples” are, children? Neither do the people in Narayan. Narayan is home to many of CITY’s gods. Because the rent is cheap, and the people are gullible. There are a lot of temple in Narayan. In them you can buy justice, and love, and pocket-watches, and sweet honey cakes. In some you can even pray.


“O” is for Osamu-Ishii. Osamu-Ishii is very beautiful. And very far away. It might be beautiful because it’s very far away and we can’t get a good look at it. Osamu is one city on many little islands, all connected by Gates. It is very warm and the water in very blue. The locals are small and brownish. They wear grass skirts and make cute things out of coconuts. Because they don’t know any better. Osamu is also home to many people from the Three Islands of Ajakhan. Ajakhani are also small and brownish-yellow. They like to wear robes and submit to powerful people and kill themselves. Sometimes the Ajakhani lay claim to the Osamu Islands. This proves they have a sense of humor.


“P” is for Parvishta. Parvishta is the tallest mountain in the world. It’s also a city on that mountain. The city is full of Yeti. Yeti are big furry monsters who like to wear pants and smoke cigarettes. They were taught to do this by their god, Nadanya. Yeti also like to mine ice from the glacier above the city. They were taught to do this by humans armed with long pikes. People also mine gold, and silver and iron from the mountain. People in Parvishta are very rich. Unless they’re very poor. Or dead from exposure.


“U” is for Ulum Dreii. “U” is also for “unlawful”. And “undesirable”. And “ugly”. Can you see where I’m going with this, children? That’s right, the city of Ulum Dreii was once a big prison! When a whole city is used as a prison it’s called a ‘penal colony”, because it’s full of hard-up men. Ulum Dreii sits on the Bay of Prigs on the Island of Howling Ghost Monkeys. What are Howling Ghost Monkeys? Pray you never find out. Today Ulum Dreii is a thriving port and home to the finest children of criminals in all of CITY

 

[Richard Rawen]

Heh, I really enjoy your imagination. You have come up with more ways to provide information about the story-world than I've ever seen in any format. The variety of author-voice makes the individual excerpts that much more interesting, but in the end we have one more piece for the puzzle that is CITY.
Thanks for your time, looking forward to further adventures of the Crazy Bastages =)

 

[pogre]

Hear! Hear!

 

[Rolzup]

Interlude: The Incredibly Sad Story of Not-So-Innocent Calliope and her Hapless, Priest- Abused Addict Mother

They steal through the alleyways away from the burning ruin of Maison Chatons. The House of Kittens is no more. They walk quickly in a near-silence punctuated only by cries for the fire brigade and the soft voices of a numb little girl and a wise monkey speaking.

"That's what you mean by 'play'.... little Calliope?!", exclaims Dr. Wu, his tails darting between his legs, which Kenji and Meiji immediately recognize as the Varana gesture indicating extreme embarrassment or fear of the Thunder Spirits. "No, no, no, a thousand times no. I do *not* wish to play with you. Wait... do not look so sad. You are a most beautiful blossom. And you are a most pleasing.... height."

At this point Dr. Wu realizes that everyone else is staring at him. With the poise of a scholar on trial for heresy, he continues.

"I wish only to help you. And perhaps.... ask some questions".

"Like the Shirac man did?" says Calliope.

"Can't you let her be!" interjects Joachim, Acolyte Priest of Kreutzel of the Immovable Feast.

Wu ignores him. "Like the Shirac. Wait... there was no touching... yes?"

"He brushed his fingers across my forehead."

"Most intriguing, a use of their Wu, no doubt".

"Then he asked me about my mother. Her name was Harmony. She's dead now."

"Most sad... rest assured that her spirit has..."

"Been eaten".

"Pardon me?"

Joachim states daggers, or perhaps unusually sharp shrimp forks, into an oblivious Dr. Wu.

"My mother always said that when she died the bad bishop would catch her soul and gobble in up like a sweet tart. He ate up all his favorites. Only left the bones, and he cracked them open and sucked out the marrow."

Wu shakes visibly, in the manner of his kind, lacking the ability to turn pale.

Calliope continues. "People think the Bishop only ed children. But he did more to his favorites. He'd start with little play-bites. He hungered in so many ways. He was always hungry, in his secret place beneath the orphanage."

"Orphanage?" asks Wu in a breathless and empty voice.

Joachim answers in an equally spent tone, "She means the old monastery that Han Oi Xian bought in Little Ajakhan, the one that King Daikon is using as a farmer's market. It was an orphanage then. And Sebastien Babulaba was never a bishop. The news of his crimes broke right before he was elevated".

Joachim has trouble looking Calliope in the eyes, but does so. She has no trouble meeting his gaze. "Child, I know that evil man hurt children, but there was no evidence that he..."

Before he can complete his sentence, Calliope says, "Because he 'et them. They never found his secret place. He killed all his favorites before the CITY watch got him. Everyone except my mother."

Joahcim says dumbly, "The authorities would have found out. The CITY Watch used Shirac mind-witches. It was a well-publicized scandal. Eveyone *knew*.

"Not like my mother. She got away and she hid. In wine. And opium. And singlemind. And Phorphyre threads. And men..."

Wu looks up, eyes bright with curiosity, "Ahh.... that might hide her from Shirac witches." Wu hurriedly says, "Ah, young misused flower, I think that's enough for now."

"Do you want to know what the Shirac man asked me?"

"Yes, very much so." says Wu, obviously forgetting what he had just said.

"Nadir asked me if I'd ever met a spirit. I didn't what he was talking about, but then he touched my head, and all I could think about was the nice genie in Reverend Donatello's wand. Don is nice to me. He gives me beer and honey cakes, and then his genie makes the hurt go away. She's nice too. Her name is Salomalle."

"She's always hungry, too. But in a good way. She's hungry for the things that hurt me. Like remembering a bad night or a bad men. Or when I start to like what I do."

"Enough child. Quiet now", says Wu. He says in Imperial, "No wonder Han Oi Xian felt restless spirits in that accursed place. It is no wonder he bound the Shu of the Air into paper lanterns. That was the correct action. But I doubt it was enough."

Meiji has been listening intently to the exchange, with his expression turning progressively grim. When Dr. Wu finishes, Meiji asks in Imperial, "As Little Wushu say - what the ?! Who is this Babulaba bastard, and can we blow him up?"

"Sadly, no, Meiji", says Joachim. "Sebastian Babulaba was found guilty in the Courts Absolute and executed twenty years ago. All that remains is the home for children he built. And, if this child's speaks truly, what lies beneath it."

 

[Rackhir]

... the nice genie in Reverend Donatello's wand. Don is nice to me. He gives me beer and honey cakes, and then his genie makes the hurt go away. She's nice too. Her name is Salomalle."

So Mallus, when you created the Don "Magic Wand" character were you familiar with Don Magic Juan or was it just "art" imitating life.

 

[Mallus]

So Mallus, when you created the Don "Magic Wand" character were you familiar with Don Magic Juan

Of course.

I was wondering if anyone was going to get that.

 

[Rolzup]

Of course.

I was wondering if anyone was going to get that.

God knows, I didn't....

 

[Rolzup]

The Glorious Return of Burne

Some men are born to greatness. Others have it thrust upon them. And some? Some stride forth boldly, seize greatness by its collar, shove it up against a wall, pull down its trousers, and show it who is in charge around here.

It should surprise no-one that Burne is just such a man.

ACTUALLY, MOST PEOPLE WOULD BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT BURNE IS A MAN AT ALL, ANY LONGER. GIVEN THE WAY HE EXPERIMENTS WITH PHLOGISTONIC INCINDIARIES WEARING NOTHING BUT A SHORT RED ROBE.

My special training went surpassingly well, as I had anticipated, and while I am unable to divulge the details of what this training entailed...well, suffice to say that, once again, I proved my mettle beyond all shadow of a doubt, and earned a long-overdue commission as an detached agent for the Naval Office of Special Intelligence and Applied Conflagrational Activities.

"DETACHED" MEANING THAT THE NAVY CAN AND WILL DISAVOW ANY RESPONSIBILITY IF HE BLOWS UP SOMETHING IMPORTANT. OR SOMEONE.

And so, with head held high, I returned to civilian life, determined to discover how many of my followers had managed to get themselves killed in my absence. Both of the foreigners, much to my despair, were still breathing. Far worse, they'd collected another of their ilk, a self-styled mystic named Meiji.

Barbarous name, that. And an only slightly less barbarous individual. Oh, he carried himself well enough, I suppose...if your tastes run to men in dresses, which mine most assuredly do not. Far too arrogant for my tastes, however, and he consistently fails to show his superior, which is to say myself, the proper deference. And his magic? Mere frippery and pictograms, unworthy of serious consideration.

Be that as it may, their adoption of yet another stray was only the first of their crimes. More importantly, they managed to lose the Madman.

How they managed this, I cannot even begin to imagine. He's a large fellow, and emits enough sound and odor that even a blind man could easily track him. Nevertheless, he was gone...vanished, apparently, into thick air.

And the hours I had spent practicing dissection techniques? Wasted.

And the final insult? They committed arson.

Without Burne.

Oh, they attempted to deny it. But to no avail...the signs and scents of a burning building were all too clear to me, and the very idea that they would indulge is such an activity without a connoisseur such as myself? Unthinkable. Insulting, even.

I should mention they also rescued a child prostitute from the Maison before igniting it, though "rescued" might be too generous a word. What they did falls somewhere between a "random act of kindness", "involuntary adoption", and "kidnapping with the option to buy". I shudder to think what kind of parenting skills the Ajakhani posses, though Lord Kenji knows a great deal about dresses and Rackhir could teach her all he's learned of the fine art of listening to what men tell him to do.

It may fall to me to raise her properly. Equip her for the rigors of CITY life. Perhaps by adding an exoskeleton...

IF HE SO MUCH AS LAYS A CALIPER ON HER I WILL SPRAY HIS COFFEE WITH MERCURY.

Where were we? Ah yes, over the course of the next few days I became reacquainted with the situation. Delphine's father was keeping her locked in the family estate, safe from her rightful husband, not to mention the gentleman alchemist responsible for reuniting them and thus so richly deserving of reward.

BY ALL MEANS DON"T MENTION THAT.

What communications we did manage with the Lady Delphine via her maidservants were obviously --to a man such as myself-intercepted and no doubt censored.

A MAN SHARP ENOUGH TO NOTICE SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY MEET US WHEN SHE SAID SHE WOULD.

Fearing what a controlling father might do to a spirited daughter who married below her station, on my suggestion...

ACTUALLY IT WAS RACKHIR'S

...we once again employed the services of the wastrel Lovesworn, Mallus, as a means of tracking Delphine's whereabouts, using her husbands love for her as a lodestone.

So it was on the 4th day since my glorious, much deserved, nay, inevitable induction into the MCSDF Detached Officers Corps, we found ourselves all at the farmers market that King Daikon Had set up on the sadly storied grounds of Han Oi Xian's dye dye works, which was formerly the site of a Temple of Kruetzel where atrocities where witnessed on children, and before that a temple of The Most Violent Women of the Sea, the dreaded Stormdaughters of Pentamoor. Quite frankly. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if an inverted pyramid of Night Basalt once stood on the spot.

HE BURNED PATHWAYS INSIDE MY SKULL CASE, USING MOLTEN IRON, THAT PREVENT ME FROM EDITING HIS WORDS.

When Lord Kenji spotted the invisible bird circling above, using his macabre, ocular dagger. Thus began our first proper encounter with the Adversary.

 

[shilsen]

I liked Edouard's tone and Burne's, well, we all know what Burne's is, but this update reminded me how much of this story hour's appeal is due to Abraxis.

 

[HalfOrc HalfBiscuit]

I liked Edouard's tone and Burne's, well, we all know what Burne's is, but this update reminded me how much of this story hour's appeal is due to Abraxis.

Very true. Though you can't deny that Burne has a lovely turn of phrase as well ...

Some men are born to greatness. Others have it thrust upon them. And some? Some stride forth boldly, seize greatness by its collar, shove it up against a wall, pull down its trousers, and show it who is in charge around here.

Where else would you get such an exquisite taste in metaphor?