The Confession of Sarai Mocksley and other tales
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- Start date
Wicht
Hero
Cthulhu Door to Door
By Jonathan McAnulty
Striding purposefully and exuding a palpable politeness, the two young men in pressed white shirts approached the front door of the ranch style suburban house. The taller of the two looked quizzically at the other and, receiving a curt nod, proceeded to clutch the knocker. He rapped twice, politely but firmly, against the door.
As they waited for an answer they looked around patiently, absorbing the atmosphere of the neighborhood: the manicured lawns, the well-polished sports cars, the shaped hedges and the aura of those who live just a little beyond their means. The taller one started to tap his fingers absently against the leather satchel he was holding until a quick look from the other caused him to stop. A moment later, they both heard faint footsteps approaching the door. As one they turned to face the door and began smiling broadly. The taller one straightened his tie absentmindedly.
“Good Morning, Ma’am,” said the shorter of the two to the woman who opened the door and peered out.
“Good morning,” said the woman. She was a brunette, short and slim, dressed casually but smartly, the epitome of the suburban housewife. As her eyes adjusted to the bright sun reflecting off of the perfectly white shirts, she looked them over, noting they had well cut hair, clean shaven faces and small red nametags pinned to the left pockets of their shirts. “What can I do for you this morning?”
Again, the shorter of the two spoke. “My name is Ted,” he said, indicating his nametag, “And this is William. We’re both from a local cult, The Eternal Order of Perpetual Noon, perhaps you have heard of us, and this morning we are going door to door, offering some chances for some prizes and also trying to tell people a little about who we are and what we do.” His taller companion smiled even more broadly and nodded.
“Oh,” said the woman brightly, “I’ve seen your commercials! In fact I sent away just last month for that free tome you offered!”
“Very good!” exclaimed Ted, smiling even more broadly, “And did you get it?”
“Yes, I did,” said the woman with a nod, her face serious, “ But, you know, I couldn’t understand a word of it. I don’t think it was in English. And I don’t speak Spanish.”
“The Servey mix-up,” said Ted to William. William nodded knowingly. “There was a bit of a mix-up about a month ago,” explained Ted, “One of our mail-room workers went completely insane and mailed off Latin copies of the tome to a lot of those who responded to the spot on the television.”
“Oh. Latin. I thought it was Spanish. I knew it wasn’t English because I had never seen those words before.”
“If you are still interested,” said Ted brightly, “we can arrange for you to get an English translation.”
“That would be nice. I really have been wanting to learn more about what you it is that you teach.”
“Well,” said William, speaking for the first time, “Perhaps if we can come in, we can tell you a little about who we are and what we do.”
“That would be nice. My name is Ruth. Come on in and just leave your shoes there.”
“Thank you,” said Ted, slipping out of his polished loafers, and as she led them through the front room and into a sun-filled kitchen, Ted explained, “Ruth, basically we are a small but sincere group of people dedicated to preparing ourselves for the end of the world. Surely you have noticed all the violence filling the news lately.”
“Oh goodness yes,” said Ruth, “All those people over there acting like they don’t have any sense, just shooting each other is all. And just yesterday I was talking to my sister and her son, my nephew, was in an accident on his motorcycle. Some crazy just plowed right into him. Would you all like some tea?”
“That would be nice,” said Ted, “The Eternal Order of Perpetual Noon firmly believes that the end is in fact swiftly approaching and that the only hope for individuals is complete service of those dark gods that plan on destroying life as we know it.”
“I see. Yes that does make some sense.”
Ted nodded and continued, “The cult was founded by the followers of Daniel Ramis. Have you heard of Mr Ramis?”
“No, I don’t think that I have” said Ruth as she poured out tea into some glasses. The glasses were covered with large yellow flowers. “Have a seat.”
“Mr. Ramis was the man who successfully predicted the 1982 Mass Sponge Migration of Hudson Bay,” said Ted as he sat.
“Amazing,” put in William earnestly.
Ted nodded at William and accepting a glass of tea from his hostess continued. “It was a sign! And Mr. Ramis has since that time been in frequent contact with a group of alien entities who have predicted the total and utter destruction of humanity in the not too distant future and he has devoutly dedicated his life to preparing his chosen followers for that eventuality.”
“A great man,” intejected William with a serious nod. Then as Ruth handed him a glass, he smiled at her broadly and took a sip.
As Ruth sat down at the table across from the two young men, William reached into the satchel he carried and pulled out a pamphlet.
“This is a tract,” said Ted, “That we have been handing out door to door this morning. It explains a little about how we were founded and describes in some detail about how the world is really going to end soon. And if you look through it you will see that it also mentions some of the family activities that the cult is currently involved in. We have a very active youth program and as you can imagine, we get together weekly for rituals and sacrifices to the dark gods, so there is a real strong sense of community amongst all the members.”
“Uh-huh,” said Ruth, nodding slightly as she looked over the bright illustrations of smiling, happy cult members.
“Are you currently a member of a cult?” asked William.
“Oh, no!” said Ruth, adding ambiguously, “But we were both raised Methodist,”
“Do you have children,” asked Ted.
“Yes! Two. A boy and a girl. They are both with their Dad this morning.”
“Our youth program is excellent!” said William excitedly, “My parents joined the Order of Perpetual Noon when I was ten and it has made such a difference in my life. Close friends who would kill for you! And so many activities. Next Saturday, if you and your kids are interested, we’re sponsoring a teen sleep-in.”
“A teen sleep in? And what would they do there?”
“Tons!” said Ted excitedly, “There’s going to be a motivational speaker. And some singing. And there will be a swimming pool, some party games, volleyball, a midnight sacrifice, and right before dawn we are going to try to summon one of the children of the she-goat with a thousand young.”
“That was so much fun as a kid!” said William.
“Are there…” began Ruth a little embarrassed. The two young men waited politely for her to finish her question.
With a nervous laugh she finished, “…you know, orgies?’
“Oh, No!” said William.
“No!” said Ted, “That is such a common misconception! You would not believe how many people ask us that. But Mr. Ramis has taught for years that it is much more practical for our young people to practice total abstinence and remain virgins.”
“Absolutely,” said William.
“That way,” continued Ted explaining, “if the need arises, they can truly give themselves body and soul to the cause.”
“Ah,” said Ruth nodding.
“And we also have a hot dog roast at the beach coming up on Monday in honor of the dread lord Cthulhu,” mentioned William, “perhaps you and your husband might consider coming out to it. It should be a lot of fun.”
“I will really think about it,” said Ruth earnestly.
“Very good,” said Ted, “It would be so great if you two could join. I am afraid that when the end comes there are going to be a lot of people surprised by the fact that they are being eaten alive. Oh, and we will see about that tome for you! Did we mention, by the way, that we are also conducting a contest of sorts?”
“I remember you saying something about prizes,” said Ruth.
“Yes, we decided that some lucky person this morning was going to win a genuine leather bound copy of the Necronomicon, fully illustrated, with marginal notes and a handy center column cross reference.”
“That would be nice.”
“It is such a very nice copy of such an excellent tome!” said Ted, and then added with a little laugh, “Now mind you, there are some booby prizes as well, but if you are feeling lucky you can give it a try.”
“Oh, why not,” said Ruth smiling.
William pulled a jar filled with slips of paper from his satchel and offered it to Ruth who, winking at him, cheerfully reached in and pulled one out. She looked at it and then showed it to Ted. There was a little ink drawing of an ornamental knife.
“Ooo, bad luck!” said Ted, then added brightly, “Of course it could be worse, we had one woman this morning draw a Shoggoth.”
“That was really messy!” agreed William as he pulled a sacrificial dagger out of the satchel.
“Oh dear,” said Ruth with a little grimace as she eyed the knife.
Ten minutes later Ted and William exited the house, William still rubbing his hands with a paper towel.
“It is such a beautiful day to be out,” said William as he took in the scenery.
“It sure is,” agreed Ted, “A fine day to be out sharing the message with folks.” As he and William exited the gate they gave a friendly thumbs up to the two young men in pressed white shirts working the other side of the street.
By Jonathan McAnulty
Striding purposefully and exuding a palpable politeness, the two young men in pressed white shirts approached the front door of the ranch style suburban house. The taller of the two looked quizzically at the other and, receiving a curt nod, proceeded to clutch the knocker. He rapped twice, politely but firmly, against the door.
As they waited for an answer they looked around patiently, absorbing the atmosphere of the neighborhood: the manicured lawns, the well-polished sports cars, the shaped hedges and the aura of those who live just a little beyond their means. The taller one started to tap his fingers absently against the leather satchel he was holding until a quick look from the other caused him to stop. A moment later, they both heard faint footsteps approaching the door. As one they turned to face the door and began smiling broadly. The taller one straightened his tie absentmindedly.
“Good Morning, Ma’am,” said the shorter of the two to the woman who opened the door and peered out.
“Good morning,” said the woman. She was a brunette, short and slim, dressed casually but smartly, the epitome of the suburban housewife. As her eyes adjusted to the bright sun reflecting off of the perfectly white shirts, she looked them over, noting they had well cut hair, clean shaven faces and small red nametags pinned to the left pockets of their shirts. “What can I do for you this morning?”
Again, the shorter of the two spoke. “My name is Ted,” he said, indicating his nametag, “And this is William. We’re both from a local cult, The Eternal Order of Perpetual Noon, perhaps you have heard of us, and this morning we are going door to door, offering some chances for some prizes and also trying to tell people a little about who we are and what we do.” His taller companion smiled even more broadly and nodded.
“Oh,” said the woman brightly, “I’ve seen your commercials! In fact I sent away just last month for that free tome you offered!”
“Very good!” exclaimed Ted, smiling even more broadly, “And did you get it?”
“Yes, I did,” said the woman with a nod, her face serious, “ But, you know, I couldn’t understand a word of it. I don’t think it was in English. And I don’t speak Spanish.”
“The Servey mix-up,” said Ted to William. William nodded knowingly. “There was a bit of a mix-up about a month ago,” explained Ted, “One of our mail-room workers went completely insane and mailed off Latin copies of the tome to a lot of those who responded to the spot on the television.”
“Oh. Latin. I thought it was Spanish. I knew it wasn’t English because I had never seen those words before.”
“If you are still interested,” said Ted brightly, “we can arrange for you to get an English translation.”
“That would be nice. I really have been wanting to learn more about what you it is that you teach.”
“Well,” said William, speaking for the first time, “Perhaps if we can come in, we can tell you a little about who we are and what we do.”
“That would be nice. My name is Ruth. Come on in and just leave your shoes there.”
“Thank you,” said Ted, slipping out of his polished loafers, and as she led them through the front room and into a sun-filled kitchen, Ted explained, “Ruth, basically we are a small but sincere group of people dedicated to preparing ourselves for the end of the world. Surely you have noticed all the violence filling the news lately.”
“Oh goodness yes,” said Ruth, “All those people over there acting like they don’t have any sense, just shooting each other is all. And just yesterday I was talking to my sister and her son, my nephew, was in an accident on his motorcycle. Some crazy just plowed right into him. Would you all like some tea?”
“That would be nice,” said Ted, “The Eternal Order of Perpetual Noon firmly believes that the end is in fact swiftly approaching and that the only hope for individuals is complete service of those dark gods that plan on destroying life as we know it.”
“I see. Yes that does make some sense.”
Ted nodded and continued, “The cult was founded by the followers of Daniel Ramis. Have you heard of Mr Ramis?”
“No, I don’t think that I have” said Ruth as she poured out tea into some glasses. The glasses were covered with large yellow flowers. “Have a seat.”
“Mr. Ramis was the man who successfully predicted the 1982 Mass Sponge Migration of Hudson Bay,” said Ted as he sat.
“Amazing,” put in William earnestly.
Ted nodded at William and accepting a glass of tea from his hostess continued. “It was a sign! And Mr. Ramis has since that time been in frequent contact with a group of alien entities who have predicted the total and utter destruction of humanity in the not too distant future and he has devoutly dedicated his life to preparing his chosen followers for that eventuality.”
“A great man,” intejected William with a serious nod. Then as Ruth handed him a glass, he smiled at her broadly and took a sip.
As Ruth sat down at the table across from the two young men, William reached into the satchel he carried and pulled out a pamphlet.
“This is a tract,” said Ted, “That we have been handing out door to door this morning. It explains a little about how we were founded and describes in some detail about how the world is really going to end soon. And if you look through it you will see that it also mentions some of the family activities that the cult is currently involved in. We have a very active youth program and as you can imagine, we get together weekly for rituals and sacrifices to the dark gods, so there is a real strong sense of community amongst all the members.”
“Uh-huh,” said Ruth, nodding slightly as she looked over the bright illustrations of smiling, happy cult members.
“Are you currently a member of a cult?” asked William.
“Oh, no!” said Ruth, adding ambiguously, “But we were both raised Methodist,”
“Do you have children,” asked Ted.
“Yes! Two. A boy and a girl. They are both with their Dad this morning.”
“Our youth program is excellent!” said William excitedly, “My parents joined the Order of Perpetual Noon when I was ten and it has made such a difference in my life. Close friends who would kill for you! And so many activities. Next Saturday, if you and your kids are interested, we’re sponsoring a teen sleep-in.”
“A teen sleep in? And what would they do there?”
“Tons!” said Ted excitedly, “There’s going to be a motivational speaker. And some singing. And there will be a swimming pool, some party games, volleyball, a midnight sacrifice, and right before dawn we are going to try to summon one of the children of the she-goat with a thousand young.”
“That was so much fun as a kid!” said William.
“Are there…” began Ruth a little embarrassed. The two young men waited politely for her to finish her question.
With a nervous laugh she finished, “…you know, orgies?’
“Oh, No!” said William.
“No!” said Ted, “That is such a common misconception! You would not believe how many people ask us that. But Mr. Ramis has taught for years that it is much more practical for our young people to practice total abstinence and remain virgins.”
“Absolutely,” said William.
“That way,” continued Ted explaining, “if the need arises, they can truly give themselves body and soul to the cause.”
“Ah,” said Ruth nodding.
“And we also have a hot dog roast at the beach coming up on Monday in honor of the dread lord Cthulhu,” mentioned William, “perhaps you and your husband might consider coming out to it. It should be a lot of fun.”
“I will really think about it,” said Ruth earnestly.
“Very good,” said Ted, “It would be so great if you two could join. I am afraid that when the end comes there are going to be a lot of people surprised by the fact that they are being eaten alive. Oh, and we will see about that tome for you! Did we mention, by the way, that we are also conducting a contest of sorts?”
“I remember you saying something about prizes,” said Ruth.
“Yes, we decided that some lucky person this morning was going to win a genuine leather bound copy of the Necronomicon, fully illustrated, with marginal notes and a handy center column cross reference.”
“That would be nice.”
“It is such a very nice copy of such an excellent tome!” said Ted, and then added with a little laugh, “Now mind you, there are some booby prizes as well, but if you are feeling lucky you can give it a try.”
“Oh, why not,” said Ruth smiling.
William pulled a jar filled with slips of paper from his satchel and offered it to Ruth who, winking at him, cheerfully reached in and pulled one out. She looked at it and then showed it to Ted. There was a little ink drawing of an ornamental knife.
“Ooo, bad luck!” said Ted, then added brightly, “Of course it could be worse, we had one woman this morning draw a Shoggoth.”
“That was really messy!” agreed William as he pulled a sacrificial dagger out of the satchel.
“Oh dear,” said Ruth with a little grimace as she eyed the knife.
Ten minutes later Ted and William exited the house, William still rubbing his hands with a paper towel.
“It is such a beautiful day to be out,” said William as he took in the scenery.
“It sure is,” agreed Ted, “A fine day to be out sharing the message with folks.” As he and William exited the gate they gave a friendly thumbs up to the two young men in pressed white shirts working the other side of the street.
Twinswords
First Post
Thank you for ruining my sleep for the next couple of days.
The stories are very good.
Twinswords
The stories are very good.
Twinswords
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