The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Dungeon

[I'm A Banana]

Because, let's face it, when we all saw the suggestion, we all thought it would be a good idea. So now you're all recruited to be compilers for The Guide. Post your ideas on everything about the Adventuring life, from where to get a good drink when you're 6,000 miles below the surface of the earth, to why you should never, ever offer an Elf your torch on Wednesdays.

I'll bring over the submissions from the other thread. Add your own! Great fun at parties! And if this thread goes on for long enough, I'll add them to the Wiki over at RPG.net. After all, wasn't Douglas Adams just presaging Google when he invented the Guide?

Onward!

The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Dungeon is one of the most singularly amazing documents in existence. It has constantly outsold its main competitor, the 1,436 volume Encyclopedia Magica for two reasons. First, it's fireproof. Second, it has the words "Inedible" written on it's cover in large, friendly letters, making it remarkably popular among orcs, who would like to prove it wrong. So far, the Guide has existed for one hundred million years, and it that time it has educated countless adventurers on the finer points of the world in which they live. Also, has choked over 300,000 orcs completely to death.

According to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Dungeon, adamantium is, in fact, the third hardest non-magical material in existance... a distant second to whatever evil artifact your heroes happen to be attempting to destroy at the time, which is very close behind the bald pate of one Ungar Hammersmith, the only dwarf in Upper Galinor to attempt the Triple Lindy with a dry swimming hole... twice

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Dungeon has this to say about pit traps. Adventurers have a marvelous (and, to the gods, vastly amusing) tendency to fall off things, generally from great heights, and almost always onto hard surfaces. While the falling is harmless, the abrupt stop at the end tends to cause damage. We at the Guide reccomend that all adventurers bring with them 65 feet of rope at all times. While the normal length of rope seems to be 50', we find that despite this (or possibly because of this according to Mun Ch'Kin the Mad) most of these falls will just happen to be just over 50 feet.

It was speculated by The Spian Barnstormer that rope is also useful in tying up captives. After polling many adventurers in varous dungeons around the world, we at the Guide are still not sure what this "captive" is, but we shall endevour to have this information ready for the next edition.

 

[resistor]

Dungeon Masters:

The Dungeon Masters are one of the most unpleasant races in the Dungeon. Not actually evil, but mean-hearted, stubborn, officious, and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own Dungeon Master's Guide from the Ravenous Tarrasque of Lower Talonia without orders arcane marked in triplicate, teleported in, teleported back, scried, lost, found, and finally buried in dragon dung for 6 months and recycled as sunrods. The best way to get a drink out of a Dungeon Master is stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his Dungeon Master's Guide to the Ravenous Tarrasque of Lower Talonia.

 

[demiurge1138]

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Dungeon has this to say about the gelatinous cube. Oozes in general are obviously a sign that the gods had a sense of humor, but the gelatinous cube proves that they also had access to simple geometry. Whereas most creatures are possessing of bilateral symmetry, the gelatinous cube is a perfect, 10 foot cube. It thus manages to be the only creature that is perfectly adapted to graph paper, as long as this graph paper has squares 10 feet on each side. The gelatinous cube is also nearly transparent, quite dangerous, and very very stupid. They are so stupid that a dungeon delver can easily trick it into ignoring it by poking it with a ten-foot pole. This affirmation of the inherent need of the universe to function in nice, round numbers is enough to sate the gelatinous cube's hunger.

Gelatinous cubes also say the word "cuuuubbe" at random intervals, usually while engulfing dungeon delvers that do not know the trick with the ten-foot pole. As gelatinous cubes have no vocal apparatus or, in fact, brains, how they do so is unknown.

Demiurge out.

 

[-Warlord-]

NPC:

Sometimes members of the mysterious organisation known as NPC can be found in the dungeon. This organisation consists of two curious branches.

First there is the "redshirt" or "burden" branch. This branch consists of members who are obviously far less powerfull than an adventurer, but have been could up in the dungeon anyway. They are most often encountered as captives. Once a member of this branch has been freed by the adventurer, it will often provide the adventurer with some information and ask to join the adventurer's party. Depending on the alignment of the party they will than become either a "burden", where the adventurers will have to do everything in their power to protect the NPC from harm which will most often end in the death of the NPC anyway, or they become a "redshirt" where they will willingly (or not so willingly) walk in front of the party, thus eliminating the need for 10'poles and the bag of holding full of chickens.

The other branch of NPC is called the "plotdevices". The members of this branch are always far more powerfull than the average adventurer, in fact the average adventurer has no hope in defeating a "plotdevice"member should things come to a brawl. "Plotdevice"members are always very well informed of the BBEG (See page 11232) 's big world threathening plan, and will share this plan in detail with any adventurer they encounter. They than task the adventurer to stop this world threathening plan. "Plotdevice"members are under strict rules from the NPC-organisation not to join an adventuringparty to aid in this task, even though they're far better equipped and prepared to do so. However it is allowed for members to show up when the BBEG has all but beaten the party and defeat the BBEG singlehanded.

Vague rumors persist of a third branch of NPC members that operate to give adventurers information, by posing as members of the local adversaries in a dungeon. An orc going "please don't kill me, I can help you!" might be a member of this branch. More study is required on this subject because the average response to this outburst seems to be "die orc die!".

 

[Goblyns Hoard]

Beholder Poetry

Beholder poetry is of course the third worst poetry in the known multiverse. In most cases it concentrates on trite imagery of eyes and teeth, with often indelicate metaphors of how they will enjoy eating your brains at the end of the poem. Rhythm and meter are universally imperfect, though some beholders will defend this as an attempt to create a truly round poem, something that non-spherical beings can never truly grasp. Of course most beholders prefer to just slay their critics and eat their brains. The rather tiresome overtones of beholderity that can be found woven through the lines of the more subtle pieces of beholder poetry are undermined by the predictable tendency of beholders to kill each other on sight.

The second worst poetry in the universe is that of Ashnameer the Mad, Baron of Broxby and second Earl of Easterby. Ashanameer’s arch accomplishment is the ardent application of avoidable alliteration, a trait which some have reported to be contagious and sub-consciously taken up by those that have studied his works.

Ashnameer died during the final reading of his works which was given before the Grand Poetic Conclave of the 50 greatest poets in Nulate. During the reading forty seven of the audience ran screaming from the halls as line after line of low-grade lyrics were laboriously laid before them. Another two members of the conclave drowned in the projectile vomit emitted from the final member, the poet laureate Dame Taria Newcome, who herself died when her entire digestive system was eventually dislodged by here reaction to Ashnameer’s poetry.

Fortunately most of Ashnameer’s works were destroyed when his home was subjected to a devastating attack by the combined forces of Tiamat and Bahamut who later issued a joint press release to the effect that Ashnameer had decided to compose a poem in draconic, and that they couldn’t permit the noble language of their kind to be subjected to such an assault. Ashnameer’s body was disposed of in a manner to prevent any form of resurrection, and his spirit could be found trapped on the 391st layer of the abyss, the Layer of Interminable Silence to which gossips, self-obsessed musicians and people that play personal stereos loudly on trains are forever banished.

The very worst poetry in the known universe is that of K. Midget, though fortunately his poems are still relatively unknown beyond the small and mostly harmless blue-green planet on which he resides. All information about Mr Midget’s poetry are automatically deleted in order to prevent mass hysteria and mayhem across the universe. It is commonly acknowledged that the planet on which Mr Midget resides has already been dangerously contaminated and a total information blockade has been imposed by all other systems.

 

[I'm A Banana]

A Wizard Did It

It is a well-known fact that the Dungeon operates according to a schema of laws and rules that are almost entirely made up. For instance, the tendancy for there to be breathable air so deep underground with no noxious chemicals or heavy gasses in them goes completely contrary to the laws of physics as they are currently understood. Most adventurers don't bother questioning such things, as they have more urgent matters at hand, such as stabbing small green creatures and taking their gold. However, an inquisitive mind is a valuable thing (or at least they are to the Mind Flayers on level 7,843, where inquisitive minds have a value of exactly 3 gold pieces), and sooner or later one of the taken-for-granted elements of the dungeon will be questioned. When such an awkward thing occurs, the most common explanation, even from the most learned of sages, is often a distant look accompanied by the word "magic."

The reason for this is because the wizards who invented magic are infinately egotistical and pointless creatures. In the early days of the dungeon, when magic was first born, the wizards who created it went to the far ends and deep deapths doing things like creating owlbears and enlarging vermin and drawing dirty pictures on the walls of lavoratories and making air where there shouldn't be air. When asked for justifiaction for their acts, the wizards turned pumpkins into coaches and pulled rabbits out of hats. When asked to pay back the dungeon denizens for the problems they caused, they pulled a quarter out from behind their ear. When asked to either do something useful or stop doing magic altogether, they died on the spot.

Today, the lingering effects of their strange activities have resulted in all manner of wierdness that often are very convinient but nonetheless totally inexplicable, much like the Guide itself. Thus, the answer to almost any question of "Why is this like that" is and always will be: "A wizard did it."

....odly, the Guide has this to say about Magic: "A wizard did it."

 

[STARP_JVP]

The Encyclopaedia Magica defines a golem as a magically animated statue designed to do the work of an organic monster. The marketing division of the Red Wizards of Thay describes a golem as "your metallic nemesis who's a bitch to kill!" The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Dungeon describes the marketing division of the Red Wizards of Thay as "worse than the rest of the bastards."

Here's what the Encyclopaedia Magica has to say about alcohol. It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars and also notes its intoxicating effects on all dwarves.
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Dungeon also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is Orcish Ale, the effects of which are like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round an orc double-axe wielded by a homocidal maniac. This is, coincidentally, invariably what happens when you drink it.
The Guide also tells you in which tribes the best Orcish Ale is mixed, how much blood you will lose attempting to get near enough to drink one, and what good-aligned clerical orders exist to ressurrect your corpse.

The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Dungeon has this to say on the subject of ten-foot poles:
Why bother?

The old edition of the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Dungeon has a very short entry on kobolds. It says, merely: Harmless.
However, in researching the new edition one researcher discovered very quickly the joys of being attacked at night by a horde of kobolds without wearing any armour and losing his sword on a critical miss. After his body had been raised from the dead, he updated the entry in the Guide. It now reads: Mostly Harmless.

 

[JamesDJarvis]

Evil:

The true nature and the very exsistence of evil has been questioned endlessly by a wide variety of philosophers. Are orcs evil? Is it evil to throw a loaf of bread into a crowd of starving peasants and place wagers on whom will remain to collect the crumbs? Is it evil to break the monotony on the 45th level of the Dungeon of certain Uncomfortable Death with a pun? All this debate on the nature of evil has never resulted in the conclusion that there is in fact such a thing as Evil.
It must be stated however that anyone that has ever been in the audience at a beholder poetry recital has never failed to acknowldege the exsistence and true nature of Evil.

 

[MonsterMash]

Troll:

Despite being a remarkably stupid and agressive race it is remarkable how many trolls are found on internet message boards which seem to have replaced beneath bridges as their natural habitat.

Trolls are immune to attacks made by logic or common sense instead only being vulnerable to flaming attacks or DoS.

 

[JamesDJarvis]

Level:

The term "Level" has multiple meanings within and beyond the dungeon. To some the multple definitions can be rather confusing but it is relatively easy to regard the relative power of certainly disitinct "things" through the use of the term "level". Commonly accepted usages of the term "level" are:

1. Level as an indication of an adveturers power. Adventurers begin as mild mannered 1st level beings and develop beyond that.

2. Level as an indication of the depth within the dungeon. The 1st level of the dungeon is the first most layer of the complex beneath the surface, the 2nd level of the dungeon is the secondlayer beneath the surface. The higher the number the deeper the dungeon.

3. Level as a measure of magical spell dififculty and capacity. Spells are graded from reltively simple and slight in effect at 0 level to amazing difficulty and awesome effect at 9 th level.

It should be noted in earlier ages within the dungeon it was sugested that the term for adventurer power should be expressed as "rank", spell complexity and impact would be most cleverly be defined as "power", monsters would have thier menace more clearly defiend in terms of relative "order" and dunegon depth woudl most sensibly be deifned as level. Seeing as most adventurers have relatively short attention spans (generally estimated as somewhat less then the time it takes to begin a sword blow and to stop and ask a dungeonmaster what the impact of that blow was) everyone settled on the use of the term "level" in all the various measures as it was the last one mentioned.