I think that’s a fair read, and I’d agree the conflict rarely shows up at the table. Most people don’t argue about definitions mid-session; they just play. The tension I’m describing isn’t about players clashing—it’s about how habits and expectations shape what people believe the game is before they even sit down.
For me most tension I feel before sitting down at a game isn't really a part of the term roleplaying game. For me it's about style of play. Is it more Hack 'N Slash, or is it focused on intrigue. What house rules or optional rules are in play.
Sometimes I do have an expectation about what a game is when it's new to me. I've never played Deadlands, but if I signed up for a game at a convention I'd expect some Old West feel to it. My expectations wouldn't be very detailed, because I'd only have a vague idea of what the game is about.
The above only applies to TTRPGs and LARPs, not video RPGs. Why? Because I've never considered any video game to be an RPG. The very first time I heard a video game referred to as an RPG, I responded to the guy that it wasn't an RPG, but just a video game. The thing with video games and board games, is that they are limited. The only difference between a D&D video game and some random video game is that with the D&D video game, the options I get to pick from and the goal I'm working towards are D&D themed. An RPG to me isn't limited in choice like that.
If I'm in an D&D video game and I walk into a room, it may only give me the option to search the walls, the desk and the bookshelf. I won't get the option to search the table or floor. In an RPG, I can tell the DM that I'm searching the floor for trapdoors without needing the option to be given to me. I can also take out my Decanter of Endless Water and cover the floor with it to see if any water seeps through the stonework. If the DM tells me that there is a portion of the floor where the water is seeping through lines in the floor outlining a large square, I probably found the trapdoor without even a roll.
Computer games, even ones as detailed as Baldur's Gate 3, just don't have that unlimited aspect to them. They're a lot of fun to play, but they just aren't RPGs to me. The same goes for board games like Gloomhaven.