Time for Ceramic DM? (judge-free commentary thread NO JUDGES ALLOWED AS OF NOW :) )

[Zhaneel]

Spoiler

I dunno. Since the pictures are supposed to be illustrations, not replacements for the text, I kinda didn't care for the usage. But that's me, and I'm certainly not a judge.

I liked the story. It was neat. I think I hear some echos of the story you did with the Evil Old Scientist in Winter. You have a particular narrative style that alternately works and doesn't work for me. This time, the exposition didn't quite sit well in the craft department with me.

The plot was cute. I loved the use of the mask. The first time renegotiation came up I had an inkling of who we were dealing with. I loved the blase discarding of the body.

Good entry and neat use of the pics, PC.

Zhaneel

 

[orchid blossom]

Well, now that I'm more awake...

Spoiler

As I already said, I liked knowing that the protagonist was some kind of supernatural something early on, although I'll admit to not picking up "devil" till shortly before we saw his true form. I liked all the temperature references. His being cold all the time, his true form starting a wooden floor on fire. These are the kinds of details that ground a story.

I've always imagined "evil" as very charismatic, and Nick definitely has that. No corrupter will be successful without the force of personality to bring along the fence sitters, as we saw at the beginning of the story with Ben. The only thing that bugs me is also here. Where he states, "I liked my job." It seems to repeat what was said in the previous sentence. We've seen he enjoys himself immensely, and know he's satisfied by his work from the last sentence. It just seems a bit repetitive to me. If he was appreciative instead of satisfied, we'd get a hint about his fun with the models later and make the "I liked my job," a more stand alone statement. IMHO, of course.

When I first read the story, I felt the scene with Snulap threatening Nick was going on a little long. On second reading though, Nick is a guy who loves to hear himself talk and extole his own virtues, so it's perfectly fitting that's he's going to talk at his captor until he either brings him over or he snaps.

All told, I enjoyed it a great deal, which should be evident since I had to get pretty specific to find much to critique. Thanks for a great start.

 

[Maldur]

thx for the fast replies to the call for ceramic pdf.

I will send out a more indepth email to participants of former ceramic contests in the next week as this weekend I refuse to do any thinking

 

[Ao the Overkitty]

Damn, Macbeth. That was demented.

I'm trying to come up with more, but I think that is all I can say for now.

 

[Macbeth]

Damn, Macbeth. That was demented.

I'm trying to come up with more, but I think that is all I can say for now.

Good demented or bad demented? I was worried it would come out too demented... crud. Looks like I went too far.

 

[Ao the Overkitty]

Good demented. If it was bad demented, i wouldn't have made it through the story.

 

[Morpheus]

I'm reminded of a classic quote from the movie Jaws. The set-up: Quint has just told Brody that they are going in to bring the shark into the shallows and drown him. Brody's reply-"Thank Christ!" That's how I feel. Glad to get it done...

 

[orchid blossom]

May I just say this about my set of photos? ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Sialia]

Macbeth, you blow my mind. That was incredible.

Just . . .just. . . .wow.

Wow.

If I had one teeny itty bitty quibble, I'd say you want about one more line at the very end-- one more closing cadence. The poetry of the thing is flying along at such speed, that it wants one more resounding thing to really finish it and put it to bed, and let me know this really is the very last time you are going to use the construction.

Something along the lines of "And it was good" or a play on that would do the trick. About four syllables, maybe less.

But this is only the sort of quibble that comes up when a masterpiece is hung on the wall and somebody walks in and says--"somebody hung it crooked." The piece is sooo good, it's the sort of thing a reader wants to see displayed to perfection.

I liked your style, I liked your content, I liked your completly twisted evil character and the author's voice's seperation from the narrator's.
Picture use was good, too.

A fine, fine entry.

 

[Berandor]

Wow. Four hours before, I was determined to scrap the story and start from scratch. With a minor edit, though, suddenly it flowed. It's first draft and all, but I didn't want to post nothing

Anyway, first to MarauderX: I liked your story very much, even though I think the beginning is stronger than the end. How Jerid knocks against the eye of the automaton, and the entrance of Tiflime (confident voice because of money and power) - I was drawn into the story immediately. I can't really comment on the quality of my own entry (I need a few weeks time before that ), but I think you've got a good chance to advance! Good luck!

Piratecat: First off, I am a big fan of your literary voice. So it comes as no big surprise that I totally loved your story! The only thing I thought when you

Spoiler

incorporated "Snulap Kpogyk" the way you did was, "I'm not worthy!"
Also, the sarcastic narrator really drove me to laughter more than once. Whistling the tune to "Cheers", indeed

Now, off to watch soccer, and the read the other entries.