Time for Ceramic DM? (judge-free commentary thread NO JUDGES ALLOWED AS OF NOW :) )

[Macbeth]

Well, thanks, Sialia. It means alot to get good feedback from such a good author. I agree that the end could use a little work, and I am seriously considering putting more work into it, especially the end. Thanks.

 

[Piratecat]

Comments as I read each story. Damn, Macbeth, that was superb. I agree with Sialia about it needing one more line at the end - "and it was good" was what I thought of as well - and I noticed that you have a they're/their and what might be a resignation/realization error. But holy cow, what a wonderful piece of writing. The picture use was great, and it gripped me from start to finish.

Morpheus, interesting choice doing it as a transcript. I found it disconcerting that while the conversation was recorded exactly by (presumably) a stenographer or a tape recorder, there were mood-setting and literary comments when people weren't speaking. (eg "His eyes got glazed over as if he was struggling with a thought so terrible, he had to retreat within himself to avoid it.") Then you flipped into a flashback. That drew me out of the tale a little, because I got confused whather I was reading a story or a transcript -- if that makes any sense? I finally settled into thinking of it as a film script, with quick cuts between the interview and what actually happened. With that in mind, I really liked the style. It was good to see mythos references. I really, really liked the verse at the end.

Hey, how did pics 1 & 2 fit into the story? It wasn't clear to me while reading it, but I probably missed something obvious. Be aware that historically, using pictures we're given as actual pictures in the story has gotten us marked down by the judges (as I learned the hard way the first time I competed.) I don't know if that rule is still in effect.

 

[Morpheus]

Morpheus, interesting choice doing it as a transcript. I found it disconcerting that while the conversation was recorded exactly by (presumably) a stenographer or a tape recorder, there were mood-setting and literary comments when people weren't speaking. (eg "His eyes got glazed over as if he was struggling with a thought so terrible, he had to retreat within himself to avoid it.") Then you flipped into a flashback. That drew me out of the tale a little, because I got confused whather I was reading a story or a transcript -- if that makes any sense? I finally settled into thinking of it as a film script, with quick cuts between the interview and what actually happened. With that in mind, I really liked the style. It was good to see mythos references. I really, really liked the verse at the end.

Hey, how did pics 1 & 2 fit into the story? It wasn't clear to me while reading it, but I probably missed something obvious. Be aware that historically, using pictures we're given as actual pictures in the story has gotten us marked down by the judges (as I learned the hard way the first time I competed.) I don't know if that rule is still in effect.

Thanks for the advice. Getting the pictures involves was the hardest part to the whole thing. I only felt really good about the masks. I will definitely remember that for the future.
Yeah, I really like Mythos references too. Too bad my players don't...

 

[Macbeth]

Thanks for the feedback, PCat. I'll be sure to take another look at that dang last line. They're/Their errors are definately likely. I know the difference when I bother to think about it, but when typing, I seem to forget. As for resignation/realization, I think I used the word I ment to use, but I'll make sure that word means what I think it means. "Inconcievable!" "I don't think that word means what you think it means."

I'm reading Morpheus' story right now, I'll post some comments when I get the time.

 

[Berandor]

Macbeth: Excellent story! The "in Las Vegas" comments were cool, but I think I would have liked one or two less of them, especially since you repeated Dopamine

And the Ending... well, you know - what can I do when Sialia and PCat agree, expect agreeing as well?
I loved that the narrator (do we even get to know his/her gender?) tried to built an arc, and that there's a real flood pouring down then. Certainly shines a different light on Noah

Morpheus: The story was cool; I liked the switch between action and "play", but I think I would have liked it better if you'd put the flashbacks in italics or something. Also, I think the first two pics were throw-aways. What was their function in the story? I probably didn't get it, though
A good story, nevertheless. Poor marine!
ETA: Did you make up the poem from Unaussprechliche Kulte, or is it real?That was a great touch!

 

[Morpheus]

Morpheus: The story was cool; I liked the switch between action and "play", but I think I would have liked it better if you'd put the flashbacks in italics or something. Also, I think the first two pics were throw-aways. What was their function in the story? I probably didn't get it, though
A good story, nevertheless. Poor marine!
ETA: Did you make up the poem from Unaussprechliche Kulte, or is it real?That was a great touch!

Thanks! Some more good advice (using italics)... When I was typing up the story, I offset the flashbacks and the script so that it was easy to distinguish which was which. Copying-and-pasting it onto the boards lost some of the effect. Another lesson learned.
The Mythos reference is from what is considered one of the all-time classic campaigns for any genre-The Complete Masks of Nyarlathotep. I just updated one of the chapters to include one of the many masks of the Crawling Chaos himself.

 

[Macbeth]

Macbeth: Excellent story! The "in Las Vegas" comments were cool, but I think I would have liked one or two less of them, especially since you repeated Dopamine

And the Ending... well, you know - what can I do when Sialia and PCat agree, expect agreeing as well?
I loved that the narrator (do we even get to know his/her gender?) tried to built an arc, and that there's a real flood pouring down then. Certainly shines a different light on Noah

I knew I was walking a fine line with those repeated phrases, if i do edit it, I'll probably narrow them down a bit. I Blame the repitition of Dopamine on my Psych class, where we were talking about reward brain structures on Friday.

 

[Berandor]

Morpheus: Yeah, the message board formatting must be considered. My first entry didn't sport a line break between paragraphs - it hurt the eyes

And I just like to use italics, bold, etc. to offset changes. As I said, I followed it without problems.

Carpedavid: I'm at a loss for words right now. Really, the story just blew me away. And a hopeful finish to boot! Great, great, great! Of course, I don't smoke, so that helped

As last time, I feel honored to have written a story among these great artists.

 

[MarauderX]

Anyway, first to MarauderX: I liked your story very much, even though I think the beginning is stronger than the end. How Jerid knocks against the eye of the automaton, and the entrance of Tiflime (confident voice because of money and power) - I was drawn into the story immediately. I can't really comment on the quality of my own entry (I need a few weeks time before that ), but I think you've got a good chance to advance! Good luck!

Nice job Barandor. I understand about scrapping the original to start over as I nearly did the same. I had little time to write & edit, as Friday night and Saturday were shot. Within ~24 hours and among the four of us, we collectively talked our way out of: breaking up with a girlfriend; a fight; jail for supposedly not paying a bar tab; and loosing a job. I hope to get to read the rest of the posted stories soon, just after I tell my wife what happened this weekend...

 

[Berandor]

MarauderX: Is that In-Game, or Out-Of-Game?