[Way OT] Scientists Find World's Funniest Joke

[Drew]

A guy is looking through the paper and he sees an ad that says "Talking Dog For Sale, $20." Curious, he goes to the address and knocks on the door. He asks the man that lives at the house about the talking dog.

"I saw your ad in the paper," he says, "do you really have a talking dog for sale?"

"Absolutely," says the man in the house, "he's in the bedroom if you'd like to see him."

The man enters the house and walks into the bedroom where he sees the dog lying on the bed and watching TV.

"How you doing?" asks the dog.
"I'm fine," the man replies, "but I have to ask what an amazing animal like you is doing here in Florida."

"Well," says the dog, "I started out in New York city. I used to teach seeing eye dogs. Then the gulf war broke out and I went over there to help out. I brought medicine to people and helped pull the soldiers out by sniffing bombs and chemicals and stuff."

"When the war was over I came back here and I was on broadway, in Riverdance. And then the Two Towers thing happened and I was involved in the rescue and clean up efforts with that."

"I just moved down here to to Florida to finally retire and get some peace and quiet."

Hearing the dog's story, the man was just amazed. He turned to the guy selling the dog and asked
"Why would you ever want to sell a dog like that?"

The man looked at him and, in an annoyed voice shouted:
"BECAUSE HE'S A LIAR!"

 

[Drew]

Three mice are sitting around a bar bragging.

The first mouse says "I'm so tough, when I see a mouse trap I walk right up to it, grab the cheese in my hand, catch the metal bar in my teeth and then bench press it 20 times. After that I rip it off and walk away with the cheese."

The first mouse then downs his shot and slams his glass down so hard it cracks in two.

The second mouse says "Oh yeah, well I'm so tough, when I see rat poison I collect as much of it as I can, grind it up into a powder, and put it in my coffee. Helps give me a quick buzz in the morning."

The second mouse then downs his shot and slams his glass down so hard it cracks in two.

The third mouse just shakes his head. "I don't have time for this BS," he says, "I'm going to go home and screw the cat."

 

[Deedlit]

My personal favorite is the one about the 3 orcs who walk into a bar(The fourth one ducks).

 

[Piratecat]

First, some of my favorite cannibal jokes:

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Two cannibals were eating a clown. One of them turned to the other and said, "Hey. Does this taste funny to you?"

A bunch of cannibals were eating a parboiled victim from upriver, but he just didn't taste right. The Elder asked the hunter, "Where did he come from?" The hunter answered, "He's the church missionary from the nearby town." "A missionary?" asked the elder in dismay. "No wonder he tastes funny! You boiled him, but he's a friar!"

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed an explorer in the road?


Now, some of my favorite hunting jokes. Note that I'll tell these using Polish people, because that's how I learned them and because I'm partially Polish myself. Thus, if you want to complain to me about it, you'd best do so really slowly. Feel free to substitute the politically correct person of your choice.

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Q: Why do Polish people have trouble duck hunting?
A: They can't throw the dogs high enough.

Q: Why do Polish people have trouble elephant hunting?
A: They have difficulty with the decoys.

Three Polish guys were hunting when they came across a set of tracks. "I think these bear tracks," said the first guy. "What, you stupid?" his friend asked. "I think these deer tracks! What you think, Kowlowski?" But before Kowlowski could say anything, all three of them were hit by a train.

 

[JRRNeiklot]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Why the long face?

 

[Wolf72]

Love the Far Side sig Wolf

my gf actually called me on that, she thought I hit a dear

 

[Morrus]

Well, I am part Scottish on my father's side.

Sorry, but unless you were born in Scotland and have lived there for an extensive period of your life, you are not part Scottish. No more than I'm part Swedish (Vikings) or French (Normans).

Other people feel free to subsitute "Irish" for "Scottish" in the above.

I think it's about time to accept that most of you people are American. Through and through. Nothing Scottish, Irish or whatever about you. You should be proud of your own nation - I'm proud of mine.

Incidentally, I've never heard anyone say they're part English. Why's that, then?

 

[Crothian]

Sorry, but unless you were born in Scotland and have lived there for an extensive period of your life, you are not part Scottish. No more than I'm part Swedish (Vikings) or French (Normans).

Other people feel free to subsitute "Irish" for "Scottish" in the above.

I think it's about time to accept that most of you people are American. Through and through. Nothing Scottish, Irish or whatever about you. You should be proud of your own nation - I'm proud of mine.

Incidentally, I've never heard anyone say they're part English. Why's that, then?

lol, that's a good little rant. I'm Americian through and through!!

 

[Morrus]

lol, that's a good little rant. I'm Americian through and through!!

I think it was the Irish bars in Manhattan that did it. C'mon - I've bene to plenty of real Irish bars - these were definitely American bars!

Not that there's anything wrong with that - I liked them. I just don't understand why Americans would claim to be anything other than American. I'd be most insulted if anyone tried to imply that I was anything but 100% English.

 

[Barendd Nobeard]

I just don't understand why Americans would claim to be anything other than American.

Because if we say we're American, some people think that's not a "real" nationality and want to know what we "really" are.

Of course, many "Americans" do this to other Americans. It takes a generation or two for sentiments like "No Irish* Need Apply" to diminish. And, sadly, they never completely go away.



*substitute persecuted immigrant group of your choice