[Way OT] Scientists Find World's Funniest Joke
- Thread starter Morrus
- Start date
Has anyone heard about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with pencil and paper ...
OK, time for another New Zealander joke.
A Maori witchdoctor is going on a journey. He walks all day, and by evening he's tired. So when he comes to a farm, he knocks on the door, hoping he can spend the night there.
The New Zealand farmer invites him in, gives him a lavish dinner, and makes up the bed in the guest room. The Maori witchdoctor spends a comfortable night, and in the morning he's ready to leave. But the New Zealand farmer insists that he sit down and have a proper breakfast, and he even packs him a decent lunch.
The Maori witchdoctor is amazed by this hospitality, and wants to do something in return. So he says, "Listen, you've been great for me, and now I want to do something for you. How about I go talk with your animals, and see if there's anything bothering them?"
Well, the New Zealand farmer is really pleased with this, as you can imagine. He's a kind-hearted man, and he really cares for his animals. But, of course, he's a bit skeptical. I mean, talking to his animals? Right.
Anyway, the Maori witchdoctor walks out, and returns after about half an hour. "OK, so first I went and talked to your horse. Apparently, that new bit you've got hurts his mouth." The New Zealand farmer is stunned. "You know, you may be right. I bought a new bit just the other day. I had no idea that it hurt the poor beast, but I'll go back to the old bit straight away."
"Well next," the Maori withdoctor continues, "I talked to your cows. They say that you've been wearing gloves when you milk them, and the wool irritates their udders." Again, the New Zealand farmer is amazed. "That's right, because it's been cold in the mornings, I've been wearing gloves. Well, I'll just have to stop that then."
"And then," the Maori witchdoctor says, "I went to your sheep --" But he's interrupted by the New Zealand farmer. "Don't believe those sheep! They're all liars!"
OK, time for another New Zealander joke.
A Maori witchdoctor is going on a journey. He walks all day, and by evening he's tired. So when he comes to a farm, he knocks on the door, hoping he can spend the night there.
The New Zealand farmer invites him in, gives him a lavish dinner, and makes up the bed in the guest room. The Maori witchdoctor spends a comfortable night, and in the morning he's ready to leave. But the New Zealand farmer insists that he sit down and have a proper breakfast, and he even packs him a decent lunch.
The Maori witchdoctor is amazed by this hospitality, and wants to do something in return. So he says, "Listen, you've been great for me, and now I want to do something for you. How about I go talk with your animals, and see if there's anything bothering them?"
Well, the New Zealand farmer is really pleased with this, as you can imagine. He's a kind-hearted man, and he really cares for his animals. But, of course, he's a bit skeptical. I mean, talking to his animals? Right.
Anyway, the Maori witchdoctor walks out, and returns after about half an hour. "OK, so first I went and talked to your horse. Apparently, that new bit you've got hurts his mouth." The New Zealand farmer is stunned. "You know, you may be right. I bought a new bit just the other day. I had no idea that it hurt the poor beast, but I'll go back to the old bit straight away."
"Well next," the Maori withdoctor continues, "I talked to your cows. They say that you've been wearing gloves when you milk them, and the wool irritates their udders." Again, the New Zealand farmer is amazed. "That's right, because it's been cold in the mornings, I've been wearing gloves. Well, I'll just have to stop that then."
"And then," the Maori witchdoctor says, "I went to your sheep --" But he's interrupted by the New Zealand farmer. "Don't believe those sheep! They're all liars!"
Well, Morrus, I can see two or three explanations... First, Americans (especially northern ones) are descendants of settlers. They are Americans, but if they look a handful of generation back in their family tree, they see Europeans. Secondly, I'm under the impression there's a strong community feeling in the USA. People seems to love put labels on themselves, in order to be well sorted, put together with the other with the same labels. Finally, as Barendd said, "American" is not always considered to be a true nationality... Because it isn't one ! It's a "continentality": a Canadian, Bresilian or Uruguayan is as much American as someone from the USA. I've always found it funny the "USAns" didn't have a proper noun for themselves.
On the subject of jokes... I've heard pratically the same as EternalKnight's one once, but it was about France. The land was "balanced" by its inhabitants.
On the subject of jokes... I've heard pratically the same as EternalKnight's one once, but it was about France. The land was "balanced" by its inhabitants.
Eternalknight
First Post
s/LaSH said:
Q: What's a New Zealander's definition of safe sex?
A: Not being kicked by the sheep.
s/LaSH
First Post
Aloïsius said:
Quite true. According to my readings, America was first applied only to South America - as an accident. Some mapmaker thought Amerigo Vespucci had discovered it (he hadn't), latinicised the name and turned it feminine, and called it America. For some reason they shifted the label to include what we now call North America after some years, and now American seems to mean USAn.
For some reason, that strikes me as exceedingly funny. Although it's not really a joke. People should read more history - it's greatly underrated.
On the topic of jokes... sheep. I should have known. Although we do produce the best sheep in the world, we do have other things here, you know. Although what they are escapes me.
I'll leave you with a (mis)quote from some guy, might have been a Prime Minister or something, talking to someone he doesn't much admire: "If you left and went to Australia, you'd raise the average IQ in both countries." Not quite a joke, but witty.
Irda Ranger
First Post
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill:
"Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston, in reply:
"Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
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I would have to say that the junter joke is not the funniest joke in the world. Rather, it is the joke that the most people find the least un-funny.
As an example, I find the Belgian duck joke very unfunny (it just doesn't strike me I guess), and would therefore rate it poorly. The Hunter Joke I might give a 3 out of 5, and so did everybody else. There were other jokes I found funnier.
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As an American, I would say that the English were here first. Every succeeding wave of colonist and immigrant sought to distinguish themselves from the English. Sort of like innocent until proven guilty, you are Enlgish until proven Irish. Or as I like to think of it, we give you the benefit of the doubt.
And American is a nationality. We are Americans. No one else claimed the title. They are happy being Canadians or Mexicans, or Brazillians. Besides, what else would you call us? Statesmen? US-ers? American works for me.
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Piratecat and the Cannibal/ Clowns - That was funny!
My favorite jokes don't translate well into messageboard-ese, because they are visual. LONG LIVE THE FARSIDE!!!! I'll give it a shot though.
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There were these 3 POWs held in an enemy camp when the camp's commander came to their cell. "We can't hold you anymore, you are going to have to be executed. However, you may choose the manner of your death. You may choose between being hanged and the guilletine."
The first replied "I shall take the guilletine. It is quicker and less painful."
Commander: "Very well." So the POW went off the to guilletine. He was put on the stand, they pulled the rope, the blade fell and nothing happened. Somehow, he was unharmed.
The enemy soldiers got quite excited at this and pronounced that it was sign from God, and they released him.
The second POW piped up "I too will take the guilletine. It is quicker and less painful."
A bit shaken, the enemy Commander still complied. The POW was marched to his death. He was placed upen the guilletine, they pulled the rope and the blade fell. Miraculously the POW was unharmed.
Fearful that the wrath of God was upon them the enemy soldiers released the second POW before incurring more disfavor.
Then the base commander turned to the last POW and said "So, what shall it be. Will you be hanged or guilletined?"
The POW replied: "I shall be hanged. Your guilletine does not appear to be working."
"Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston, in reply:
"Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have to say that the junter joke is not the funniest joke in the world. Rather, it is the joke that the most people find the least un-funny.
As an example, I find the Belgian duck joke very unfunny (it just doesn't strike me I guess), and would therefore rate it poorly. The Hunter Joke I might give a 3 out of 5, and so did everybody else. There were other jokes I found funnier.
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As an American, I would say that the English were here first. Every succeeding wave of colonist and immigrant sought to distinguish themselves from the English. Sort of like innocent until proven guilty, you are Enlgish until proven Irish. Or as I like to think of it, we give you the benefit of the doubt.
And American is a nationality. We are Americans. No one else claimed the title. They are happy being Canadians or Mexicans, or Brazillians. Besides, what else would you call us? Statesmen? US-ers? American works for me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Piratecat and the Cannibal/ Clowns - That was funny!
My favorite jokes don't translate well into messageboard-ese, because they are visual. LONG LIVE THE FARSIDE!!!! I'll give it a shot though.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these 3 POWs held in an enemy camp when the camp's commander came to their cell. "We can't hold you anymore, you are going to have to be executed. However, you may choose the manner of your death. You may choose between being hanged and the guilletine."
The first replied "I shall take the guilletine. It is quicker and less painful."
Commander: "Very well." So the POW went off the to guilletine. He was put on the stand, they pulled the rope, the blade fell and nothing happened. Somehow, he was unharmed.
The enemy soldiers got quite excited at this and pronounced that it was sign from God, and they released him.
The second POW piped up "I too will take the guilletine. It is quicker and less painful."
A bit shaken, the enemy Commander still complied. The POW was marched to his death. He was placed upen the guilletine, they pulled the rope and the blade fell. Miraculously the POW was unharmed.
Fearful that the wrath of God was upon them the enemy soldiers released the second POW before incurring more disfavor.
Then the base commander turned to the last POW and said "So, what shall it be. Will you be hanged or guilletined?"
The POW replied: "I shall be hanged. Your guilletine does not appear to be working."
johnsemlak
First Post
Got a great joke that that one (the funniest joke) reminded me of. It's much longer, but I guarentee the punch line is hilarious.
It is 1930's Soviet Union. Joseph Stalin is very bored one day. He wants something to do.
So he goes down to the KGB headquarters (called something different in those days) and speaks with his friend, Dzerzhinsky, head of the former KGB.
He says, 'I'm board, I need something to do; how about I join the KGB."
Dzerzhnsky says, "Ok, first , you've got to pass a test."
Dzerzhinksy brings Stalin to a room with 2 other young would-be agents waiting to take the test. Dzershinsky speaks to all three of them: "Ok, here's the test. YOu take this gun, go into that room over there, and you shoot whoever is in that room. You MUST shoot the person in the room, whoever it is."
What Dzerzhinsky doesn't tell them is that the gun he gives them has no bullets, only six blanks.
The first guy takes the gun and goes into the room. Seated there is his own mother. The agent aims the gun, and tries to fire, but can't. He comes out of the room, with his head down. He gives the gun to Dzerzhinsky and says, "I can't do it." "Next!" says Dzerzhinsky.
The exact same thing happens to the second person. His own mother is in the room. The agent tries to fire, but can't.
Finally, Dzerzhinsky gives the gun to Stalin. Stalin goes into the room. Dzerzhinsky hears six shots fired. A few minutes later, Stalin returns.
Dzerzhinsky says, "Everything OK, Stalin?"
Stalin replys, "Yeah, but....
(I'll put the punch line in the next post)
It is 1930's Soviet Union. Joseph Stalin is very bored one day. He wants something to do.
So he goes down to the KGB headquarters (called something different in those days) and speaks with his friend, Dzerzhinsky, head of the former KGB.
He says, 'I'm board, I need something to do; how about I join the KGB."
Dzerzhnsky says, "Ok, first , you've got to pass a test."
Dzerzhinksy brings Stalin to a room with 2 other young would-be agents waiting to take the test. Dzershinsky speaks to all three of them: "Ok, here's the test. YOu take this gun, go into that room over there, and you shoot whoever is in that room. You MUST shoot the person in the room, whoever it is."
What Dzerzhinsky doesn't tell them is that the gun he gives them has no bullets, only six blanks.
The first guy takes the gun and goes into the room. Seated there is his own mother. The agent aims the gun, and tries to fire, but can't. He comes out of the room, with his head down. He gives the gun to Dzerzhinsky and says, "I can't do it." "Next!" says Dzerzhinsky.
The exact same thing happens to the second person. His own mother is in the room. The agent tries to fire, but can't.
Finally, Dzerzhinsky gives the gun to Stalin. Stalin goes into the room. Dzerzhinsky hears six shots fired. A few minutes later, Stalin returns.
Dzerzhinsky says, "Everything OK, Stalin?"
Stalin replys, "Yeah, but....
(I'll put the punch line in the next post)
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johnsemlak
First Post
Punch line (read above joke first)
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(stalin says)...but why did you give me this gun full of blanks? I had to beat her to death with the handle"
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(stalin says)...but why did you give me this gun full of blanks? I had to beat her to death with the handle"
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