I voted based on thematics rather than implementation--Bard and Cleric.
I agree with the thread's other critics of bards, so no need to elaborate.
Cleric, though, is really weird and really specific, but built into D&D's traditions deeply enough that its indiosyncratic jank gets overlooked. From
Wikipedia:
- "In the original edition, the class is described as gaining "some of the advantages from both of the other two classes (Fighting-Men and Magic-Users) in that they have the use of magic, armor, and all non-edged magic weapons"
- "The cleric character class began as a simulation of vampire hunting clergy, such as seen in B grade "Hammer Horror" films, specifically created to oppose a vampire player character called "Sir Fang". The cleric's power to repel the undead had its roots in Dracula, which coined the popular term 'undead' and established a vampire hunter's ability to turn away vampires by the presentation of a crucifix"
- "Gary Gygax added the restriction on weapon types, influenced by a popular interpretation of the Bayeux Tapestry where Odo of Bayeux is depicted with a mace in hand"
- "When the paladin character class was introduced in Supplement I – Greyhawk (1975), the potential for confusion between the roles of the two classes arose."
So, the Cleric--conceived as a gish class, a Victorian vampire hunter (implied to use a crucifix), but also the analog of a
deeply shady bishop who (maybe) fought at Hastings, and (despite the obvious similarity) definitely NOT a paladin--has come down to contemporary D&D as THE PRIMARY REPRESENTATIVE OF ALL ORGANIZED RELIGION. What?
So, for example, why would the earthly agents of a trickster god use turn undead as a core feature? No reason but path dependency.
Artificers and Monks belong to specific settings.
A reasonable counterargument can be made to this point, but I generally agree with you (and I normally hate mixing steampunk aesthetics with vanilla fantasy).
But, for whatever reason, I don't have any difficulty compartmentalizing them from the other setting elements. I guess they don't feel like they're an integral part of 5e's implied setting to me, just extra bits that are bolted on, and that makes them inoffensive.
Let the rogue wear medium armor and use sneak attack with all weapons, and it does what a want a fighter to do much better than the actual fighter class.
...mind blown. That's a really good idea.
Maybe a bit strong, but that'd be a great chassis for a whole bunch of non-magic-using adventurer archetypes--provided some of the loudly rogue-y things were modified.