You Know Your Game Is Twisted When...

[frankthedm]

I'm not sure that'll be enough.

"Milking the druid" is still really, really bothering me. And technically that would be above the belt. So we may need better standards....

Sound quite funny IMHO, players tend to go pretty far to get their food and drink when they realize the DM is enforcing the need for sustenance. Their dignity quickly takes a back seat to their stats.

When fighting in the sewers, you're never out of rations


My group gets WRONG when someone "takes 20" searching a body. "Although the ogre has been thoroughly looted, you manage to find five gold pieces in need of being washed”.

 

[barsoomcore]

See? We've barely scratched the Twisted surface of EN World, I'm sure. There's room to, er, grow.

 

[Hypersmurf]

They have seven days to reach a point on Barsoom roughly 3,000 miles away...

"Fire Mares! Fire Mares can travel a thousand leagues in a day!"

-Hyp.

 

[eris404]

"Milking the druid" is still really, really bothering me. And technically that would be above the belt. So we may need better standards....

Alright, to set the record straight:

I was running a D&D game set in 1870s Earth (alternate reality, magic exists with technology, yadda, yadda, yadda). The party was in India and at this point in the adventure, were looking for a ruined temple hidden in the jungle. They encountered a rakshasa disguised an old human hermit who told them that in order to open the temple, they needed to perform a special ceremony and gave them a list of items they needed for the ritual, including milk.

Now, all of the players in the group except one are native to the United States and so, when they heard "milk," they assumed "cow's milk" (any milk would have been OK). They had no idea where to find a cow in the jungle or where the nearest village was even and besides, time was short. This ritual was only supposed to a minor puzzle, so I would have accepted any number of reasonable ideas (I probably would have given the hermit a goat if they were really stuck), but then someone remembers the druid.

Now, the player of the druid was not present for that game. Up until that point, the character was more or less forgotten, until the wise-guy asks me if the druid shapechanges into a cow, could the party milk her. Of course, the player of the druid is also female, which meant that we sat around the table snickering like fourteen year olds for about a half hour.

In the end, I decided their second idea (using summon nature's ally to summon a cow) was more acceptable.

We never, ever told the druid's player about that incident.

 

[kigmatzomat]

While it doesn't involve druid milking.....

The first long campaign I ran was your typical plane-hopping quest to recover a rod of the seven parts-esque artifact. One character did a complete alignment shift from LG to CE, taking several years to accomplish. I'd asked to have at least 1 LG early on (the parts were aligned) and a half-elven fighter cleric (T) agrees to be the LG. During the first adventure T gets caught by a rope of entangling and begins to chew through it. By the notes it was a hemp rope so my (freshman college) sense of humor had him roll a save vs. poisons; he failed and began hallucinating. After that he decided not to be LG anymore and was NG. Well and good but over the next few months (IG and RT) his character gets more erratic and becomes CG. It's good RP so I'm fine. Many more months pass and his character is harder, more vicious and up to CN. Offered power by Lloth (long story) he agrees to devote himself to her cause, goes full CE and gets turned into a drow.

T gets involved in many interesting events. There was the time he kidnapped the party paladin and sold him to the cult of Cyric, with plans to doublecross the Cyricists to eliminate competition, make a buck, and ensure he's still in the party's good graces. The party's other fighter/cleric (C) finds the "we've got your paladin, mwha-ha-ha!" note, calmly armors up and tells the rest of the party "Be back in a bit, got to rescue the paladin from the Cyricists" as he heads out the door. C mounts his horse and charges headlong into the temple of Cyric with T and the rest of the party hot on his heels.
C freakishly manages to cut his way through a halfdozen clerics of equal level on his way to the paladin. The heroes and T burst in, adding their firepower to the fray. The head Cyricist points at T and yells "You! You did this!" T, in a panic, replies "I, T, will see you serve my goddess!" and tosses a one-shot magic item at the headpriest, killing him before he can say anything else.
So T did manage to get cash and eliminate some competition though the party was suspicious about the headpriest yelling at T instead of C.

In another encounter T brazenly entered the enemy fortress to be a one-cleric distraction. Buffed up with magic, he lands in the fortress's courtyard and demands to be taken to the leader to discuss their "flagant and blatant disregard of the artifact registration process." The guards shrug and take him to the head draconian, which does create enough of a distraction for the others to sneak inside. T manages to keep the draconian commander's attention for a few minutes by demonstrating that he is both totally insane and equipped with massive brass cojones. Fortunately, just as the commander is getting bored, the party triggers some alarms, giving T the chance to dive for cover.
As the guards charge him he pulls a charm off a piece of jewelry, throws it at them, and cowers behind the commander's throne. The guards immediately take cover. (I ask him what he threw and he says "Not sure, I'll roll a die and figure out which piece of jewelry that was.") Next round, when nothing happens, they look up and T yells "BANG!" at the top of his lungs, sending them head down again. Just then the dwarf who'd been sent to rescue T gets to the top of the commander's secret escape passage which opens behind his throne; which is exactly where T is hiding. (can you tell he's lucky?)

And in the last session of the campaign, the party finds the last part of the magic doohicky, the CE artifact being guarded by a silver dragon that has been driven fairly insane by the artifact's presence. The party fights the dragon and T grabs the staff. It whispers that it will grant him power, help him assume his true position of dominance and together they would rule.
T agrees and on his action (before I can give him the staff's powers) declares "I will rain down fire and ice upon friend and foe, command the very forces of Hell and smite those that would be compelled to stop me!" The staff then proceeds to drop fireballs (3/day), icestorms (3/day), summons a pitfiend (1/month) and Confuses the paladin (at will, 30'r). The only thing he didn't do was activate it's Dancing power!

Sometimes I miss that game and others I realize that it's like Camelot; a brief fantasy that tended to be both bloody and a bit too silly.

 

[fafhrd]

"Fire Mares! Fire Mares can travel a thousand leagues in a day!"

-Hyp.

Before LotR there was KRULL!!!!

 

[s/LaSH]

Some out-of-context PC quotes from games I've run (one D&D, one In Nomine, one homebrew):

"I jam the crystal into my eye-socket." (She had two eyes at the time.)

"What do you mean, you didn't need to cut my throat?"

"Excuse me. There was a mountain there a moment ago. Have you seen it?" (Most of it's in the delivery, I guess, but this was a genuine question.)

"Fish waffles. Pre-masticated." "Yummy!" (Exchange between a confused insect and a soldier the size of an elephant.)

"You no touch Nurse there!" (Completely out of left field, for the record, he just said it, although it was tangentially related to the scene at hand.)

"We'll have to get rid of these stolen bikes." "Perhaps we can forge the paperwork and sell them." "But first, let's put bombs on them!"

"Johnny Knoxville for President!" (This is actually worse than it sounds, because they'd managed to get him jailed for terrorism two sessions previously, while giving away stolen bikes on television.)

And just last session, someone pulled an Indiana Jones and shot an ancient demonic android/gargoyle in the head, subsequently becoming his master. I didn't expect that to happen.

Not dodgy twisted, but I think it illustrates what my players are capable of...

 

[Evilhalfling]

One of the players heard about a troll wandering the country side, goes out alone and cuts him into small pieces - then takes the pieces to a bridge, lets the troll regenerate and demands that it guard the bridge, extracting a toll. The player hangs around for a while, recapturing the troll and putting it back on the bridge. Finally the troll gives up and stats collecting fees. A week later the rest of party is called on to kill a troll, who in collecting fees and ocasionally bodies on a bridge.
The same PC was also responisble for hundreds of refugees fleeing what they thought was a dragon led army of gaints, and an attack by a dragon on the temple of vengence. Both completely by mistake.

 

[Krieg]

...when the CG Ranger drags a poor helpless farmer into the bushes and starts breaking his fingers to get him to talk, because he is convinced the farmer "knows something".

...when the priest of Kos decides to go on a quest to find what he believes is a relic dedicated to his god. He overheard two gents talking about the fabled weapon, the sword of Kas.

...when the stupidly high level wizard casts reverse gravity in the bar with the idea that whoever is left standing is the high level bad guy. Result?...a room full of dead peasants. Then the Beholder floats in...

 

[Darkness]

A friend of mine runs some... interesting campaigns. I don't play in his games but he tells me quite a bit (brainstorming between GMs, ya know). Most of the stories I could tell about that aren't fit for grannie but here's a teaser:

In one of his games, the PC party is a small religious order. Their nominal leader is a mad oracle (cleric with Madness Domain) who's very important in their church. His prophecies are always right - or so the party claims.

One day, before a large battle, he prophesized that another PC in the party, a fighter, would die in battle that day. After she survived, the other PCs killed her - 'cause the oracle is always right. They then raised her again.

How they treat the world around them - not to mention their enemies - is best left to the reader's imagination...