...You Might be a Rednecked Wizard

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mythusmage

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Some guidelines to determine if you might be a rednecked wizard.

1. If your wand is a dipstick...

2. If your robe has decals...

3. If your Phantom Steed is sponsored...

4. If your Phantom Steed has a hemi...

5. If you can't go anywhere because your Phantom Steed is up on blocks...

6. If the material components for your Fireballs consist of charcoal briquets and lighter fluid...

7. If you light your barbecue using a Fireball...

8. If you think of hellhounds as a mite timid...

9. If you think pit fiends don't quite cut it as linebackers..

10. If your scrolls are done up in the form of religious tracts...

11. If casting a Lightning Bolt involves rubbing a possum the wrong way...

12. If your familiar is a hound dog...

Feel free to add more as the spirit 'moves' you.
 

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13. Mordenkainen's Faithful Hound sleeps under the porch
14. Your spellbook is a Bathroom Reader
15. Chewing Tobacco is a favored material component in EVERY spell
16. Your Wizard's tower doubles as a Water Storage Tower
17. You don't quest for the Grail - you quest for the Holy Forty
18. ALL your Apprentices are your cousins

I can just HEAR Jeff Foxworthy's voice in my head as I write these...
 



21. if some yankee makes fun of your somatic drawl

22. if your school of the arcane was listed as one of the worse in the Kingdom of Usa
 
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ah, that time of year when the ethnoimperialist dogma of our leechlike urban cousins drives them to attempt to seperate themselves even further from the rural folk who they find so simple.

yes, it is easy to sit and pass judgement on the lesser country folk who feed and clothe the pale, unable citizens of the urban cesspool that is most of americas population.

watch the lattimer massacre and laugh, stare at the ludlow massacre and giggle as the city bound brethren we care for so well, without seekign appropriate medical care or equal representation in government, shoot us in the back over and over again in a cycle of violence no racial hatred can surpass.

in maintaining closer roots to the land and culture that provided us all with a better place to live (and many who have studied it say we rednecks, with our funny way of talking sound more like the original brits who settled "redneck" areas than brits do today) we have all somehow become the same to the homogenized mall rat culture that has affected every urban center from mass. to ca.

yeah, there is definitely a sory statement to be made about those who live in once-mobile housing over the brilliance of living in a 48 stiry firetrap ina town where the fire dept. only has a 22 story ladder. after all, it is obviously the rednecks own fault that in supplying the means of production he faces increased prices AND higher cancer rates than his urban brethren. all with the promise of lesser medical care..

i revel in the egalitarian spirit that finds nobility in the american indian but spits in the eye of any member of the white race who chooses to live a little closer to the land. let us celebrate diversity, as long as that diversity doesn't include the rural white working class and their bad teeth. let us point out again that the rural members of our society, especially those rural emmbers fortunate enough to have signed on for a lifetime of menial work are just a shade to pale for the happy multicultural rainbow we all supposedly strive for.

it is always nice to see my fellow open-minded game enthusiasts take the time to bash my neighbors and my family for having the bad fortune to have spent our childhoods catching tadpoles and learning to hold a rifle, chasing mutts and settling in to the fact that we would never be able to afford the educations that our richer, city brethren recieved.

yes, white trash reminds you of the crudely bred norse "demons" you thought you had bred out of yourselves. a constant reminder of the easthetic predilictions that were thought to be left behind. we romanticize the american worker, we romanticize the rural life and we constantly chide and berade those who experience this lifestyle.

let us make fun of the hillbilly and his bad teeth, without pausing to consider his exposure to decent, affordable healthcare.

let us jest about his education level while designing beter and better school for rich urban children and scholarships for minorities and forgetting, for another year at least, the plight of the rural youth.

yes, let us forget the poverty, suffering and exploitation that have designed the environment of the current redneck. let's just spend that time mocking him.

i am sure it will help.

:D :D :D :rolleyes:
 
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*shakes finger at the eulogist

honey, i am a proud redneck.
i make a lousy 21k a year, but i still make ends meet.
I've never been in trouble with the law.
Nor have i done drugs or am addicted to drink.
But i still consider myself a redneck.
Because. We can bash those pure-blooded city-folk upside the head with a two-by-four and mount them on our walls for trophys.
 
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*shakes finger at the eulogist

24: if you consider city-folk to be a might condensending of your situation and cast a baleful polymorph on the charity workers, turning them into rabbits and eating em for dinner, after you sell their loot to buy more chewin t'baccy
25: if your familar is a half-sharpe, half german shepard psycho dog who eats salesmen for lunch.
 

sry about the double posts

sorry about the double posts
i'll edit them when my compy is behaving properly.

*takes her +2 baseball bat and her basketball of thundering and decimates her modem.
 

alsih2o said:
let's just spend that time mocking him.

i am sure it will help.

:D :D :D :rolleyes:


Aww, c'mon, Clay. At least let us southerners have some fun with this topic. If we can't laugh at ourselves, we're a step closer to insanity (to sort of paraphrase my buddy, Jimmy Buffett if that give me any Red-Cred). I'm not going to contend that I'm a bonafide redneck but a lot of my family is and I love them. They're the sort of folks who would be the first to crack these sorts of jokes and don't pay no nevermind to anybody who would take it seriously.

On that note:

25 - If your robes have a small oval patch on them that says, "Earl"...

26 - If your familiar is an animated spitoon...


Rel - Who proudly drives a pickup truck. But instead of a gunrack, I've got a dicebag.
 

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