2018 IRON DM Tournament

hawkeyefan

Legend
Command Performance
A D&D adventure for 1st level characters

Ignorant Bliss
Staged Takeover
Usual Suspects
Unfair Rap
Eldritch Wonder
Offensive Shibboleth

Background
The adventure takes place in Whimwillow, a town on the outskirts of a kingdom and near a great forest called the Verdant Span. The PCs should either be native to the town, or have some ties here. Whimwillow is a mostly human community, and members of other races are at times met with mistrust. The town is ruled by a Duke, and he is assisted by his sheriff.

The Verdant Span contains a Crossing to the Feywild. Long ago fey were abundant in the region, friends of the gnomes that founded Whimwillow. The arrival of mankind changed that, and the fey withdrew from the material world. This is ancient history, known to only a few as anything other than myth. Many gnomes still remain in the mostly human town, but they and other non-humans are treated at times as second class citizens, occasionally referred to as “dims”, a slur from old times.

Banderhobb is a satyr from the Feywild who has capriciously decided to reclaim the town. He’s crossed over from the Feywild with some dark allies, disguised as an acting troupe named Robin’s Goodfellows. They’ve been performing “The Fairy’s Kiss” in the local theater to sold-out crowds, earning a command performance from the duke.

The Mind of Mab
Thought to be a minor magical sculpture called Hellin’s Knot, this fist-sized sphere is made of tree roots, knotted together into a ball. To activate the item, a fey creature must hold it in both hands and speak the command word “Lanks” (an old derogatory term the fey used for humans). Upon activation, the roots writhe, and any human within 60 feet must make a saving throw or become charmed for one day. While charmed in this way, the creature is left in a state of bliss, unaware of anything other than the Mind of Mab.

The Adventure
The PCs are having lunch when they learn that their friend, the gnome Dimble Narewell, has been arrested for stealing Hellin’s Knot from the Duke’s castle. Dimble is a local conman, but he’s never been one for burglary.

Heading to the sheriff’s office, they find only one deputy on duty; everyone else is at the theater. The PCs will have to convince the deputy or otherwise coerce him into letting them see Dimble. Once they see him, he insists he didn’t commit the crime, and that the Moon Jacks, a minor thieves’ guild, have framed him. He believes that the embroidered handkerchief of his that was found on the scene had been planted by Nagan and Silas, two Moonjacks known for this kind of job.

The Moonjacks hang out at The Red Cap Room, a bawdy tavern. Nagan and Silas are there but won’t cooperate unless bribed. The PCs can try and reduce the amount with appropriate skill checks, or they must otherwise convince the criminals to cooperate. If a fight breaks out, several other Moonjacks jump in. Once defeated or bribed the criminals direct the PCs to the head actor of Robin’s Goodfellows. They explain that he wanted Hellin’s Knot for some reason and wanted someone else blamed.

If the PCs research Hellin’s Knot, they can go to Primley Prattlewright, a gnome sage familiar with Whimwillow’s history. Primley is old and lives on the outskirts of town, and is unaware of recent events. When he learns that Hellin’s Knot has been taken, he knows something dire is happening. He can tell the PCs the true nature of the object and the history of the conflict with the fey long ago. Primley gives each PC a bracelet made of cold iron, which he says will protect them from the Mind of Mab.

Arriving at the theater, they find the performance has begun and they’re not allowed in. They must overpower the guards and unlock the doors, or else find another way in. Banderhobb has left guards of his own at each entrance, and the PCs will need to deal with a group of fey in order to move further into the building.

The PCs find Banderhobb on stage, about to unveil The Mind of Mab on the audience, including the Duke and the sheriff. The other actors on stage are disguised fey and the PCs must defeat them and Banderhobb in order to save the town. Fortunately, the cold iron each of them has renders them immune to the Mind of Mab.
 

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Rune

Once A Fool
My spectator commentary for match 4:

[sblock]That sure is a tight adventure, [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION]! Once the PCs figure out they have to mess with the Astral plane, things should get pretty crazy, too!

Similarly, the chaotic shenanigans encouraged by all of [MENTION=6785785]hawkeyefan[/MENTION]’s NPCs – and their racial tensions – make for a good-looking scenario.

They both look fun. [/sblock]
 

Gradine

The Elephant in the Room (she/they)
My own spectator commentary:

[sblock] My mind went to two very different places when I saw "Staged Takeover" as an ingredient, and I am beyond tickled that each of you took up one of those thread (Shadowrun and theatre, respectively). The two adventures both look quite fun, and at least a cursory glance it seems pretty evenly balanced. It is interesting though not at all surprising that both adventures center around the Eldritch Wonder, and it's also interesting that each adventure uses an ingredient as something the PCs want to avoid/stop (don't tick off the dragon indeed!) I'm excited to see which way the judgment goes; I have an inkling of which way I'd ultimately decide, but I'm curious to see way Deuce ends up going. [/sblock]
 

MortalPlague

Adventurer
My thoughts on the entries:

[sblock]Those are two spectacular adventures, and I'm sure this will be a tough judgement to make.
[MENTION=6785785]hawkeyefan[/MENTION], I always have a weakness for fey as villains. I think they are too-often represented as capricious and nice, while people neglect that they can have a dark side. Your adventure looks like it would be great fun to play or to run, with an interesting village brought to life in so few words.
[MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION], I love seeing Shadowrun appear in this competition. It makes for a refreshingly-different take on the elements, and yours is a tightly-written adventure with plenty of opportunity for chaos. I'd love to play this one too.

I think Deuce will have a challenge on his hands picking a winner here.[/sblock]
 

Imhotepthewise

Explorer
I wish I thought of this:
I don’t see any hint of Wishing Well anywhere but the title and that doesn’t really tell me anything. And Saving Throw? I wanted to see the part that talks aboutthe baby charming the PCs call for a saving throw. It might have been a pretty weak use of the ingredient, but it would have been funny. Instead, nothing.
 

Deuce Traveler

Adventurer
Judgment of Round 1, Match 4: LongGoneWrier vs hawkeyefan

Judgment of Round 1, Match 4: LongGoneWrier’s “Petals of the Mind Flower” vs hawkeyefan’s “Command Performance”

Hoo-boy. Here we go...

Accordance to Rules

Both entries were sent in on time. LongGoneWrier’s submission was around 720 words, while hawkeyefan was a bit over 730 words. Therefore both writers were in full compliance with the rules. No advantage to either side.

Grammar and Readability
“Command Performance” has several small errors. Sentences such as:

“Many gnomes still remain in the mostly human town, but they and other non-humans are treated at times as second class citizens, occasionally referred to as “dims”, a slur from old times.”

Should be condensed as:
“Many gnomes still remain in the mostly human town, but non-humans are often called ‘dims’ and treated as second class citizens.”

This makes the sentence more readable and saves on the word count so you can strengthen the entry in other places.

Also, note the structural and punctuation errors here:

“Long ago fey were abundant in the region, friends of the gnomes that founded Whimwillow.”

LongGoneWrier’s “Petals of the Mind Flower”, is better written. Also, I love the title. That’s not to say the submission is perfect, as shown by the following awkward sentence.

“The Johnson meet itself serves as a test of the runners’ infiltration and magical ability.”

Still, the entry’s problems are not as frequent or noticeable as in “Command Performance”. Advantage goes to LongGoneWrier.

First Ingredient: Ignorant Bliss

“Petals of the Mind Flower” has ignorant bliss as an after effect of the ‘mind flower’. Further, since the mind flower is an eldritch wonder, the use of the ingredient is bonded with the fifth ingredient on the list, strengthening its usage. Ignorant bliss is integral to the overall plot. The employees of DEG are blissfully unaware that they are being mentally manipulated, and blissfully unaware of the inherent danger they are in. The companies working with DEG are ignorant of how DEG is making them money, but they don’t care due to the profits they are making. A very nice use of the ingredient.

In “Command Performance”, the ingredient is similarly connected to an eldritch wonder, so another solid job connecting two ingredients in the same way. But here I don’t feel the ingredient is as integral. The Mind of Mab will be used in the adventure to incapacitate the group of humans by charming them, but there is no indication that the group has to be charmed for the non-humans to get their revenge. In fact, the plot doesn’t detail Banderhobb’s ultimate goal, so I assume he plans to massacre the civilians. In that case, the Mind of Mab could paralyze, knock unconscious, or cause the people in the crowd to go mad and murder one another and the revenge could still be had. Also, with such a possible change the 'bliss' portion of the ingredient is not really integral. Therefore the ingredient is not as well-used as it is in “Petals of the Mind Flower”.

Another advantage goes to LongGoneWrier.

Second Ingredient: Staged Takeover

In “Petals of the Mind”, DEB is an up and coming company that is taking over market shares from others and strives to become a AAA-rated megacorporation. The party pretends that they represent a company that will purchase DEB, but this is a staged offer to hide their real intentions of infiltrating the headquarters. Its a decent use of the ingredient, but the party could have come in under other pretenses such as for a government inspection or to discuss a trade agreement.

On the other hand, “Command Performance” has a dual-use for this ingredient. The disguised actors are taking to a stage, and during a performance they will attempt to take the town’s leaders. Further, Banderhobb plans to use this action to stage a takeover of the territory that the humans have taken from his people. The ingredient is integral to the adventure, and I can’t see how the adventure holds together if I alter it. Well done.

Advantage goes to hawkeyefan.

Third Ingredient: Usual Suspects

In “Command Performance”, a criminal associate of the party is suspected of stealing a work of art. He in turn believes that he was framed by a group of thieves. These thieves point the party to a third group of suspects. The conman gets an unfair rap, so this is attached to the fourth ingredient on the list. A DM could twist this so that the thieves could have refused to steal the sculpture also, and had an unfair rap put upon them by a dungeon master that wanted to waste the party’s time. Really, all this seems tacked on to pad the adventure while throwing in the ingredient. I wasn’t impressed with the usage.

However, “Petals of the Mind” fails to use the ingredient. Who are the Usual Suspects in the story? Is it the worry over blood magic use? If so, that would be a usual concern or usual fear, since blood magic is a thing and not a person or persons. Are the characters the Usual Suspects? Why, because they might trip an alarm and are the only outsiders in the megacorporation at the time? This seems a bit of a stretch. If I have to struggle to figure it out, there is a problem with the entry.

I was hoping for more out of this ingredient, but its use is definitely better in “Command Performance”. Advantage goes to hawkeyefan.

Fourth Ingredient: Unfair Rap

In “Petals of the Mind”, it is the new start-up company that has the unfair rap. They are doing well and because of that other companies suspect that they might be doing something sinister such as using blood magic. Therefore the party is brought in to investigate. But is the rap really unfair? The company is using sinister magic in order to profit. Interestingly enough, the managers of DEB might not realize the dangerous side effects of the mind flower, which would make the rap unfair. However, even though the entry states that the mind flower is more beneficial than blood magic, the final part of the entry says that long-term exposure to the mind flower will cause murderous insanity. The rap doesn’t seem so unfair to me. The adventurers in “Petals of the Mind” could have infiltrated the company on their own because they hear there is something valuable in there, without any sort of unfair rap to the megacorporation. Besides, what megacorporation in Shadowrun isn’t suspected of horrible things.

In “Command Performance”, the ingredient is also a driver of the plot, but this time the unfair rap is placed upon a thief that is innocent of this particular crime. Likewise, the adventurers in “Command Performance” could have ignored Dimble and the Moon Jacks and instead investigated the suspicious new troupe in town after the theft occurred.

This ingredient is used to satisfy the basic requirement of both entries, but almost as an after thought. Its use is weak in both, but it is better integrated into "Command Performance".

I’m giving an advantage to hawkeyefan.

Fifth Ingredient: Eldritch Wonder

Both entries use a magical McGuffin here to drive the plot, which comes to no surprise. They are both integral to the narrative, and they are both connected to the first ingredient. I will admit that I like the ‘xin lian’ of “Petals of the Mind” more than the better-named ‘Mind of Mab’ in “Command Performance”. It just has a creepier feel to it and seems to be something that can drive further adventures than the ‘Mind of Mab’.

However, I will talk about that later. For now, I award no advantage to either based upon the use of the ingredient in each entry. A fine job to both.

Sixth Ingredient: Offensive Shibboleth

A shibboleth is defined thus: “Noun. 1. a peculiarity of pronunciation, behavior, mode of dress, etc., that distinguishes a particular class or set of persons. 2. a slogan; catchword. 3. a common saying or belief with little current meaning or truth.

In “Command Performance”, the offensive shibboleth are the racist slurs used by humans and non-humans. This is a good use of the ingredient, for it highlights the tensions occurring between the different groups, but anything else could have been used to show tension, such as rioting. It is also used as a command word for the fifth ingredient (Eldritch Wonder), but I’m not counting that connection since any word could have been used to activate the device.

In “Petals of the Mind”, the ingredient serves as the abort phrase given to the shadowrunners in case the mission goes badly. The use is comedic here, but I have some problems with the lack of importance it has to the narrative. Really, any non-offensive phrase would have worked. The party is unlikely to call an abort, and it is game over if they do. And the danger that the party finds is what will bring down orbital fire, and not as much the insult to a dragon.

Slight advantage goes to hawkeyefan for the better narrative use. Neither entry made it integral.

Potential for a Dungeon Master

“Petals of the Mind” is a better adventure than “Command Performance”. I love Dungeons and Dragons, but I also love Shadowrun. I see (and write) so many fantasy entries in these competitions. And so it is great when I get to read an entry for a different setting. “Command Performance” has a lot of problems, such as the party potentially skipping some of the adventure in order to investigate Hellin’s Knot or the theater. Also, what is the end game of Banderhobb and his associates? I assume they are to kill everyone, and if so won’t that fuel the racial strife? There seem to be potential plot hooks here, but I have trouble following what they could be. Obviously the well-named “Mind of Mab” has some sort of history, so give a few snippets to drive the imagination. After all, you wasted a couple sentences on Primley Prattlewright’s description when he could have been a nameless ‘sage’, and you could have used those words to talk about the Mind of Mab. And why didn’t Primley give others cold iron protection to wear if he was so concerned? Has he bothered to warn others? Why is Primley mentioned after the note that the townsfolk are already at the theater? Are the modern townsfolk complicit in some of the anger non-humans feel? Does the Mind of Mab subtly drive their behavior or is it a cultural problem? Where are the future adventure hooks where the party takes sides or set to resolve the issues?

“Petals of the Mind” has its own list of problems. If the party fails the Johnson’s test is the adventure over for them? If Saeder-Krupp is run by the dragon Lofwyr, why would the Johnson give an insult to Lofwyr as the abort code? Why does the party have to pretend to be businessmen when Shadowrunners are mostly grunts? If DEB believes that Saeder-Krupp could purchase them, why send in Shadowrunners when Saerder-Krupp could just buy the company out for little trouble?

On the other hand, the mind petal (or xin lian) is given a perfect balance between mystery and solid information. We don’t know where it comes from, but that’s alright since no past history was hinted at. We know how it benefits DEB, how alien it is and therefore partly undetectable, and the danger it holds. All the other questions become future adventuring hooks, such as the sentience of the xin lian and the potential of other such entities out there. There are no real shortcuts smart players can abuse, since if they decide not to infiltrate as businessmen, they can try to use stealth and encounter different challenges.

The advantage here goes to LongGoneWrier.

Judgment

For a first round, both entries were adequate and it is obvious effort was put into them. However, [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION] and [MENTION=6785785]hawkeyefan[/MENTION] are both lucky they didn’t compete against [MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION] and [MENTION=6855204]tglassy[/MENTION] in this round. Gradine and tglassy had well composed first round entries that had the majority of their ingredients vital to their narratives, and which could have been competitive in later matches. I encourage participants to read their entries and my judgment and learn a bit from their work. If you want to compete in the later rounds you have to do a better job on structure and ingredients.

Finally, LongGoneWrier wrote a better entry than hawkeyefan. His narrative was clearer and better organized. hawkeyefan spent too many words describing characters that were unimportant (why do I care about the Duke, sherriff, and deputy again)? But the majority of the points I give when I judge goes into the use of ingredients, and hawkeyefan incorporated them better.

Round 1, Match 4 goes to hawkeyefan, who advances to the second round.
 


hawkeyefan

Legend
Wow, I’m surprised by the result. Even more surprised after reading [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]’s breakdown!

I knew I had some clunky sentences in there. I think that ultimately, the issues with my entry were due to the need to heavily revise it to get it to fit within the word count. Most of the problems Deuce mentions were the result of hasty editing to get the job done on time and under the word limit.

The history of the region was more elaborate, including the Mind of Mab being used in times past. The Duke and the sheriff were a bit more present, and Dimble and Primley, the two gnomes, were more fleshed out. Banderhobb’s goal was clearer; there were more rules about how the Mind of Mab works, and he would basically use it to lead the humans to the Crossing to the Feywild, where they’d be taken by Unseelie fey.

As I was writing, I knew I was going to be over, but I kept going, figuring that I could edit things down reasonably. But instead I feel that each part of the whole was diminished, leaving an adventure that was far more linear than intended, and NPCs and a location that were only hinted at instead of fully realized.
[MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION] one thing about my use of “Lanks” as the command word...yes, it was a derogatory term and so was offensive in that manner, but it was the means by which Banderhobb would attack the humans, and so was offensive in that way, as well. Not sure if that makes the connection to the eldritch wonder any better in your eyes, but figured I’d mention it.

Needless to say, I think I learned a valuable lesson, and I hope to put forth a better showing in the second round.
[MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION] thanks for the kind words. I liked your entry a lot, and agree with Deuce that your writing was stronger.
 

Rune

Once A Fool
Round 2, Match 1: MortalPlague vs. hawkeyefan

[MENTION=62721]MortalPlague[/MENTION] and [MENTION=6785785]hawkeyefan[/MENTION], you have 48 hours to post your entries to this thread. Please limit your entry to a title, a list of the ingredients used and 1500 additional words. Please include your list of ingredients at the beginning of the entry and please do not edit your post once it is submitted. Please refrain from reading your opponent's entry until after you have posted your own. You are on your honor to do so.

Entries that are between 1 and 59 minutes late will have their word-limits reduced to 1350. Later entries that are at less than 1 day late will have their word-limits reduced to 1050. Entries that are at least 1 day late will have their word-limits reduced to 750. In addition, entries that are at least 2 days late may be disqualified at the discretion of the judge with consent from the match's opposing competitor. Entries that exceed their word-limits will be considered to end once they reach that limit; we will ignore everything after.

Your ingredients are:
High Toll
Time Bomb
Affluent Panhandler
Phobic Medusa
Indignant Retort
Dirty Secret
Pure Sample
 

Rune

Once A Fool
Round 2, Match 2: Gradine vs. CleverNickName

[MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION] and [MENTION=50987]CleverNickName[/MENTION], you have 48 hours to post your entries to this thread. Please limit your entry to a title, a list of the ingredients used and 1500 additional words. Please include your list of ingredients at the beginning of the entry and please do not edit your post once it is submitted. Please refrain from reading your opponent's entry until after you have posted your own. You are on your honor to do so.

Entries that are between 1 and 59 minutes late will have their word-limits reduced to 1350. Later entries that are at less than 1 day late will have their word-limits reduced to 1050. Entries that are at least 1 day late will have their word-limits reduced to 750. In addition, entries that are at least 2 days late may be disqualified at the discretion of the judge with consent from the match's opposing competitor. Entries that exceed their word-limits will be considered to end once they reach that limit; we will ignore everything after.

Your ingredients are:
Mindful Mind Flayer
Con Artist
Ancient Culture
Royal Mint
Incremental Malison
Hungry Hippogriff
Burning Rain
 

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