Mamacat's helpful hints for gaming with couples with or without kids

[carmachu]

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It seems that some of the posters aren't willing to meet halfway or compromise. The posts seem to indicate that if there are kids involved then all bets are off: it will be bad roleplay and the kids will be running amok screaming and disrupting the game. Those folks posting that have children and/or players with children in their game have said that isn't the case and yet the same posts keep coming.

Because perhaps, some of those posters have been to Mcdonald's, jumping jakes, hcuky cheese, the mall and watched said children run wild. Gods know I've had to discipline other kids for hurting mine or doing things dangerous becuase oblivious parents are too busy iwth their blackberry, cell phone, magazine or coffee to bother parenting.

FURTHER, here's the thing that you might want to consider: Its also MY(or other folks) night out away from kids, and folks may not want to be bothered or deal with yours.

 

[roguerouge]

Seems like it's pretty straightforward... if you (single, married, parent, non-parent, whatever) don't want to game with kids around, make sure that you're not joining a group where people want to have their kids around. Seems like it'd be pretty easy to state that up front.

It's not that simple, unfortunately. Gamers, against all odds, have this tendency to breed like rabbits when presented with the rare opportunity to do so. As a result, if you are in an adventure path or long-term campaign, sometimes you find yourself at a table with proud new parents.

So, you've got a story you've invested several years worth of time in and just when you're getting to the story's climax.... You're suddenly wasting time trying to prevent 4 year olds from joking when ... you... are... trying... to ... save the world!

Seriously, don't parents know that it builds character for little Johnny to know how to Heimlich himself?

 

[racoffin]

Because perhaps, some of those posters have been to Mcdonald's, jumping jakes, hcuky cheese, the mall and watched said children run wild. Gods know I've had to discipline other kids for hurting mine or doing things dangerous becuase oblivious parents are too busy iwth their blackberry, cell phone, magazine or coffee to bother parenting.

FURTHER, here's the thing that you might want to consider: Its also MY(or other folks) night out away from kids, and folks may not want to be bothered or deal with yours.

Which is why I've mentioned several times that the group as a whole sit down and talk about the situation beforehand and discuss how to best proceed. I'm not talking about showing up at the game one night and SURPRISE! I have 2 kids with me howling and screaming. Instead, we (or at least I) am talking about everyone knowing that I have kids and, at least at the sessions held at my home, my wife or I might have to pause the action to deal with something child-related.

Yes, I agree that there ought to be a list of parent's responsibilities to their fellow gamers with regard to their children, and someone could slap those up. However, there is a difference in having children in the home while you game (whether they are awake, asleep, in the room or not) and being a parent that is letting them run wild and be disruptive, or the one ignoring them at McDonalds or the park. It is two separate issues, really: (1) Gaming when children might be present, and (2) some parents don't deal with their children and foist them on others. Not everyone in 1 is 2.

 

[Propagandroid]

I think the assumption of the OP is that everyone involved in the game is willing to accept that kids will co-exist with the game time. The "rules" presented are a list of things you are signing onto as part of gaming with the couples with kids.

IOW, the thread is not "shut up and listen to how you must handle parents who bring children to game". Instead it is "if you are open to playing with parent who will bring kids to game, these are the conditions you must be willing to accept."

I think you're right. When I first read the OP, I found myself thinking "hell no, I'm not gaming with kids," so I didn't post because clearly those rules didn't apply to me.

 

[pawsplay]

If you're not allowed to debate those guidelines and their benefit/loss balance, then they're not rules. They're ultimatums.

"I'd like to game and have my kids present" is a goal. "We don't game with kids" is an ultimatum. I can't force anyone to accept my brood, but any person can shut a door in our face.

My sympathies do not lie with single people and those with very agreeable childcare arrangements, but for parents, much like myself, who have to put real work into maintaining a social life while caretaking small children.

 

[blargney the second]

Truth. For my wife it all started with the Lord of the Rings movies. When she fell in love with them the inner geek finally started to come out.

Same here. My girlfriend had refused watching LotR with other people for years... right up until my birthday came around. I said I wanted to watch Fellowship, she consented, enjoyed it, and wanted to watch the rest of the series. After that, everything else was easy.
-blarg

 

[Desdichado]

Most of my group has kids. Or, at least three of us have several kids ranging from pre-schoolers to teenagers, and another guy has a toddler. Another couple has no kids, and another guy is a bachelor.

Kids are never an issue. We play in our homes. Our kids (and wives) understand that this is a social occasion for us and that if they hang around socializing with us as well, it defeats the purpose of what we got together to do in the first place. At the same time, we spend some time chatting with the wives and joking with the kids as well as they come into view.

The only concession we make to kids is that we try to keep our language relatively clean at least until the kids go to bed.

Really; it doesn't seem to be too difficult for us. Both the parents and the non-parents respect each other, the differing obligations and priorities that we have, and we work around them.

If kids during the game are a recurring problem, then either 1) the parents of the kids are not respecting the rest of the group, and think that everyone at the table needs to bend over backwards to accomodate them, 2) the non-parents are not respecting the rest of the group and are being overly sensitive about "problems" that really aren't.

I'm having a hard time imaging any other scenario, honestly.

 

[Quickbeam]

I certainly hope that the genesis of this thread was not frequent instances of poor behavior within your own group Mamacat. Some of your suggestions seem so self-evident, that it is hard for me to imagine anyone treading those paths. Then again, I can be foolishly naive.

Hobo and I play in the same group, and as he points out nearly everyone in our little cadre has kids...or designs on having kids soon. For my part I find that dealing with bedtimes, brushing teeth, and the like are welcome breaks in the action. It allows the smokers in our group to step outside and everyone else to grab a snack/beverage or use the bathroom. My dogs are actually more of an intrusion than the kids -- they bang on the door to get in and out of the house, beg for snacks and/or attention, etc. The kids will generally stop by the gaming table, ask a few questions, roll the dice or inspect the miniatures for a few moments, and then go back to playing their own games.

The newest addition to our group is Amber who married a long time group member last year. She has been welcomed with open hearts and minds...as would the SO of any other group member. It just so happens that none of the other spouses wish to participate, although they've been invited to do so. At the end of the day, I think that the more a group's members are at similar stages in their lives, the more understanding they will exhibit towards one another. It's not always easy for free-living single folks (especially when they're not yet 30) to appreciate the lives and schedules of parents...or vice versa. A little patience and tolerance go a long way, though.

 

[ironvyper]

I'm not assuming it's the only kind of game; and pay heed to the term "Devil's advocate" at the start of that post.

But given what people are describing here, I can hardly see how any kind of role playing occurs beyond, "I hit stuff." Thus, it occurred to me to ask these parents if that's what they mean by gaming. If it is, you can see why other players who have a different definition of role playing might have some issues with their choice to bring the kids to the game.

I've got a 5 year old and a 1 year old. We handle it by putting the kids to bed at 9 and playing till 1 or 2 am. Sure we're all a little tired the next day but we get a good 4 or 5 hours of uninterrupted time. We usually start about 8 though because i've found the first hour is mainly screwing around while players settle down, get comfortable, set up snacks and books and recap the last session. My fiance and i just recap before everyone comes over and I set up her gaming station for her while she's putting the kids down and giving them dinner. So all in all its not that hard to get good roleplaying in as long as your willing to forgo some sleep.

 

[SteveC]

Good thread. I wanted to take a moment to make some comments, since this issue was eventually responsible for destroying a gaming group that I'd been with for over ten years.

First of all, to the parents in this thread...I'm most likely not talking about you. I recognize many of the parents posting here as people who I get along with and agree with on ENWorld, so I'm going to take the bold step and assume you the kind of parents I would love to game with, rather than my unfortunate example from real life. In other words, please don't take any of this personal.

As someone who doesn't have kids, I think bringing them into a game is something that can be (not will be, but can be) problematic and should have a lot of thought behind it. In a nutshell, before you bring gamers into your home with your kids, you should really think about what you're doing.

How is parenting going? If your kids are running you ragged, and you're tired and stressed out, gaming in your home is not going to be a good experience. Gaming requires a lot of time, concentration, and energy ... if you don't have that, it's going to be an awful experience for everyone involved.

Second, how is your relationship with your spouse going? This is important whether or not your spouse plays with you. Realize that gaming in your house, with your kids around, is going to bring to light any issues that may be going on in your relationship, and no one is going to be comfortable with that. If you have problems, work on them (therapy does wonders!) rather than showcasing them for your friends.

Third, after things get started, take a long, critical look at how much gaming you actually get done in the evening. If between dinner and clean ups, bath time, story time, and dealing with child issues time you're getting 30 minutes to an hour's worth of gaming in a four to five hour block, it may be time to rethink the game's location or frequency. In my opinion, no gaming is much better than bad gaming.

Obviously, in the case of my group, all of these things went horribly wrong. My GM was the father, and he had two kids who weren't bad kids in any way, but they were still kids, who needed attention and affection from dad. That combined with the fact that he and his wife (a non gamer) had a rocky relationship to begin with and didn't always use the best parenting techniques, made gaming a horrible experience.

And that leads me to my last point: as a parent, if you're gaming with single or childless people, be mindful of the fact that their time is just as important as yours. For me, I work 50-60 hours a week, and gaming is my relaxation and cooldown time. Coming over to get in an hour's worth of gaming on a good night is a waste of my time, as I could have scheduled something that would have been much more fun and interesting to do for that evening.

I hope none of this comes off as parent or kid hating, because in my case, nothing could be further from the truth. My girlfriend's godson has been a joy in my life: at five he regularly manages to school adults on Carcasson and Apples to Apples, all while being a source of great stories and boundless energy. It's just that not all kids are like that, and making an honest assessment of whether or not you can both parent and game at the same time is critical.

--Steve