This was D&D 4e. We didn't realize we needed a battle map, so we used graph paper and drew on that.
Ah, I can see that being a horror.
We had troubles wrapping our heads around the vast number of powers and keywords and magic items and such since there was just so many that all looked like they were torn from a basic template and had flavor text thrown on top of it. Monsters were interesting, but they had such large stat blocks that they constantly needed to be referenced and bookmarked. Just our starting powers at first level were suffocating us with extra rules tossed about here and there, to such a point that we spent a good hour before the first session just writing them down on notecards.
Two things. Firstly if you ever want to try 4e again, you'd do much better with Essentials and possibly the Red Box. And secondly the Character Builder really helps; I timed myself to make a new character in a class I didn't know
at all and I had a printed character sheet in less than five minutes from starting the program. These character sheets come with the powers printed out - which means you very seldom need to consult the rulebooks.
I was hooked. I had control over my character again without the stats taking control, our use of a battle map made encounters feel much less confining
I'd have described all that as moving from 3 to 4e. Stats and skills are much more confining in 3e because you end up being unable to effectively use the skills you aren't trained in
at all.
and resource management went down to a level that I was more familiar with from 8 and 16-bit era dungeon crawler CRPGs.
I find resource management higher in 3e than 4e. In 3e there are classes (all spellcasting classes) that can literally expend all their resources. In 4e you always have some options left and some that will be recovered.
nor need to look up stats and encounter powers on a Level 4 Goblin Berzerker any time you wanted to use one.
When DMing you're meant to have the monster statblocks in front of you. And a core difference between 3e and 4e stat blocks are that 4e statblocks contain
everything. Other than the basic and universal conditions, there's no looking up. If we look up a 3e statblock the monster has feats. Which need to be looked up separately. So do the monster's spells and spell like abilities.
Upon my own perceptions involving 4e, all I can seem to see is a system that loves having combat encounters and loves having them on a battle map, where creativity and on-the-fly thinking is replaced with dozens of powers of all sorts for every class
The powers are part of the character. The attack powers are the combat moves they have practiced until they are second nature. My favourite example here is the Fighter's "Tide of Iron" at will. That's the big burly bullying guy who doesn't even need to think. He just gets in the other guy's face and drives them back - hence the free push. A combat style I use when reenacting and one that is trivial in 4e to replicate and simply can't be done in 3e.
and massive stat blocks for monsters,
Large ones - it's a combat focussed game. But smaller than e.g. the 3e ones because every non-general rule you need for a monster is in the statblock. Try writing out 3e statblocks and including the full text for every feat the monster posesses. And the full text for every spell. It's going to be
way bigger than the 4e one.
where any part of the game seems to have paragraphs of extraneous rules (so my Sleep spell doesn't put the enemy to sleep unless they fail a die roll on a 45% chance?
Hardly paragraphs. And no, sleep no longer ends an entire fight.
So I need to pay for rituals and they work differently than a normal power?
I don't see a problem here.
So the Fighter is more of a tank than an actual, well, fighter?
Unlike 3.X where the fighter was more of a supernumerary beyond 6th level rather than either a tank or a killer. Sorry, shouldn't snark. But other than Spiked Chain Fighters (with their Big Bag of Rats), fighters quickly fell behind to near uselessness when compared to casters or even barbarians. Also I think you want the Slayer from Essentials - a fighter that specialises in doing damage rather than exploiting any weaknesses anyone shows.
Moving provokes an opportunity attack as well as casting an area effect spell, but standing up from being knocked down doesn't
And? This is hardly paragraphs.
(why did I bother taking a power to knock them down in the first place if they can just freely get back up?)
Because 4e combat is very tactical. Getting up takes their move action - a fairly large penalty. If you knock a ranged guy or spellcaster prone and are next to him, he uses his move action to stand up. At that point if he shoots you get the opportunity attack. If he shifts back he can't attack. And if he goes for his dagger rather than shooting you he's lost the chance to do something much nastier to you. Lose/lose for him. And if you knock a melee guy prone and shift back when he stands up he'll normally be too far to hit you and too close to charge you, meaning he's got to work hard to do anything useful.
What is the point of having so many defences on a character, but only having one that can be directly boosted through basic equipment
Ask 3e. In 3e the defender rolled fort/ref/will. In 4e the attacker rolls against the defence. Much simpler. (And for the record, shields do boost reflex).
(and how come that defence is the one that is rarely ever used in lieu of Reflex, Fortitude, and Will?
Huh? IME most attacks hit vs AC. Almost all weapon wielders do. And most non-weapon wielding brutes.
Why do I have such huge abilities at first level when the average is 10?
Because you're a PC? Ask 3e - you get some pretty huge abilities in that game.
What does HP mean to me when I don't know what an 'average' HP value is?
Same thing it's always been. A way of keeping score. It isn't an in-world thing at all. In 3e there are only a few hit point values that are meaningful within the game - -10, negative, 0, and above 0. If you're on 1hp you're mechanically as capable as someone on full hp until you are hit. In 4e there's also bloodied.
How come it feels like damage just doesn't scale with such large values of HP and that combats drag on forever?)
Because WoTC lowballed the early monsters. Monster Manual 3 and later books (including the excellent Monster Vault) seriously boosted monster damage and fights I run last 3-4 rounds.
I guess what I'm getting at is, is there any reason for me to ever go back to 4e?*
You find a good game in it? Someone wants to run it? There are good systems that simply don't mesh with you. If you want to try it again, get the new red box and see what happens (you'll definitely prefer the martial classes in there).
What makes 4e a great game system that should make me want to play it more than, say, playing as an Elf Fighter/Mage?
From the DM's side of the screen:
1: Low prep time. I can literally pull monsters out of the monster manual and have everything I need right there in front of me. Which means prep goes to the story. And an unexpected fight can be pulled straight out of the MM.
2: Superb improvisation guidelines (DMGp42) in a system that encourages them but doesn't penalise you if you don't.
3: Superb guidance for making matters tense and challenging but not overwhelming. By the same token I know that the PCs might outthink me, but that their resources are predictable whereas a smart high-level 3e group is ... OTT.
4: Easy differences. If I put scenery down, it will matter - the PCs will push the monsters into it. Fighting on a narrow bridge with no handrails is dicing with death, not something that simply means people can't get past. And a level 1 kobold that people can't lay a hand on (Shifty: Minor action - shift one square) is more different from a cowering goblin that knows how to jump back (immediate interrupt when missed by a melee attack - shift one square) than a 3e orc with an axe and shield is from a 3e ogre with a greatclub (one's generally ... bigger. But they don't move differently on the battlemat). This combines with 1 to make it easy to improvise a memorable fight with a minute's notice.
5: Because DMing is easy and it's easy to make distinctive and memorable, there are more people wanting to do it so you can spread the workload much more.
From the player's side:
1: No looking things up. Everything I need is on my character sheet.
2: Easy character creation. I don't need to go into the detail of allocating (8+Int)*4 skill points across however many skills at first level. And the Character Builder prints out everything I need.
3: Never being useless. Given the difference between skill levels, in e.g. 3.X, you end up by fifth level with The Stealthy Guy, The Talky Guy, The Arcanist, the Healer. And if you aren't in your speciality you have a negative impact. Also not worrying I'll overpower everyone with a min-maxed character from 3.X or Exalted because I've misread the level of optimisation of the rest of the group.
4: Some
excellently done character classes if you understand the abstractions (see Tide of Iron above) that make it easy to manage some archetypes that were damn near impossible in previous editions. (See the Swordmage - defensive melee sword/magic user).
5: Good tactical play that isn't degenerate* - see the point about distinctiveness above.
6: Much easier to find a DM because more people are willing to.
* Degenerate tactical play would be the whirlwind cleaving trip spiked chain fighter - effective, but does the same thing every turn.
*I used the Gamers Seeking Gamers portion of this forum to get into a 4e game online using Maptool. Either the DM sucked (every other encounter felt like the world was going to kill us. "OH HEY LOOK RANDOM ELVES ATTACK US IN THE DESERT BECAUSE THEY'RE PROTECTING THIS MAGIC OASIS." "OH LOOK, GIANT FROG PEOPLE HATE US BECAUSE WE'RE HERE." "OH LOOK AT THAT, THE GOBLINS SET UP A TRAP FOR US EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER KNEW WE WERE COMING AND DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE FRIEND OR FOE." "OH LOOK, WE OPENED A DOOR AND GIANT MUSHROOM PEOPLE WANT OUR BLOOD.") or the system just still didn't ride well with me.
... Were you playing Dark Sun?
Being serious, that description sounds like a DMing problem. It's also something that's system-independent. And I don't like 4e combat online - it doesn't flow.