Help! Advice needed on how to game with my friend who is a jerk.

[Nellisir]

What I don't understand is - and I mean no disrespect to the OP here - how this person can be a "jerk", particularly an intentional jerk, and still expect to be a friend. Or be considered a friend. In what social dimension is this guy a friend?

 

[Rune]

What I don't understand is - and I mean no disrespect to the OP here - how this person can be a "jerk", particularly an intentional jerk, and still expect to be a friend. Or be considered a friend. In what social dimension is this guy a friend?

I dunno. I've got a friend who could definitely be considered a jerk and, when we play D&D, is definitely intentionally abusive. I don't play D&D with him anymore, because the rest of the guys I prefer to play with prefer not to play with him (since his intentionally abusive behavior changes the tone of the game to one we don't like).

He's great for Axis & Allies, though.

Why is he a friend? Because, I know him well enough to know that, beneath the demeanor of a jerk that he puts up, he's actually a good guy. Also, because I know he won't blow up if/when I call him on being a jerk.

 

[jasper]

Sorry be nice to yourself and don't play with jerks. I had 2 jerks when I was dming. They were fine if I wasn't dming or any of the other hobbies I had at the house. I called them both on nicely. One corrected his behavior and gamed with us till real life killed the group.
The other waited 2 weeks after the talk. Then while over at my house started a fight with his wife over something not related to gaming. They both stormed out of house when I told to take their personal business outside. They never return even when invited even the invite did not involve gaming. And for years ignored me at other hobby get togethers and at the local Walmart we both shop at.
So yes, nicely, in person call the person out at being a jerk, but be prepared to lose the friendship.

 

[Nellisir]

I dunno. I've got a friend who ... is definitely intentionally abusive.
...he's actually a good guy.

See, this is a difference in perception, I guess. This does not translate for me. An intentionally abusive good guy. A good guy that intentionally abuses other people. It doesn't work.

 

[Umbran]

See, this is a difference in perception, I guess. This does not translate for me. An intentionally abusive good guy. A good guy that intentionally abuses other people. It doesn't work.

The trope is a common one - variation on the curmudgeon with a heart of gold. The animated movie character Shrek is a good example - he's kind of a jerk to most folks, but somehow not a bad person in the end.

 

[Nellisir]

The trope is a common one - variation on the curmudgeon with a heart of gold. The animated movie character Shrek is a good example - he's kind of a jerk to most folks, but somehow not a bad person in the end.

The bad guy with a heart of gold is a stereotype and story trope. And in the end of the story, he stops being a jerk. Also, curmudgeonly does not equal abuse. Rude, yes.
It seems like the people under discussion don't stop, they're just abusive to other people.

Abuse is "improper usage or treatment for a bad purpose, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit."

 

[Rune]

See, this is a difference in perception, I guess. This does not translate for me. An intentionally abusive good guy. A good guy that intentionally abuses other people. It doesn't work.

"Abuse," in this case, is mostly in reference to abuse of the rules, abuse of the spirit of the game, and willful domination of the game. I'm not talking about belittling or physically abusing anyone.

But, be that as it may, I said he has the demeanor of a jerk. I've seen him go out of his way to do right by people, too. He just doesn't usually own up to it (and most people don't look past the demeanor, so they don't usually notice).

 

[scourger]

So far so good at the last session. I'm taking a "wait & see" approach. Hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. I'm more optimistic about it working out than before.

 

[Nellisir]

"Abuse," in this case, is mostly in reference to abuse of the rules, abuse of the spirit of the game, and willful domination of the game. I'm not talking about belittling or physically abusing anyone.

Ah. I didn't think of "rule" abuse. That does put a different spin on it.

 

[Michael Silverbane]

So far so good at the last session. I'm taking a "wait & see" approach. Hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. I'm more optimistic about it working out than before.

That's good news! I hope that things get all worked out.