Anticipatory Grief

[TheHand]

This hits hard. I’m so sorry what you’re going through. I have an older cat who’s been my constant friend for over 13 years, but she has some chronic health issues that are starting to slow her down. I’ve had a few cats that I’ve loved and lost, but this one’s really special to me, and I feel sad knowing she has fewer days ahead than not.

I don’t know if this brings any comfort, but I’m glad your cat is responding to treatment. I empathize with everything you’re feeling. I can tell from the way you talk about her that you gave her a truly loving, special life.

 

[Thomas Shey]

My sympathy, @Umran, and I wish you the best in not letting yourself get pulled into grief in advance. I've failed to do so with any of the dogs I've lost.

 

[Umbran]

How things can sneak up on you....

When the cat gets chemo, the expected pattern is that she'll be pretty okay that day, her appetite will drop for a couple of days, and then bounce back. And that happened, after her first does of chemo.

Not so much her second. Her appetite dropped, her intake bottomed out. We think she may have lost about 10% of her body weight. Yesterday, we put her on an additional anti-nausea medicine, and started discussing how long we'd allow this to go on, whether we'd but her through a third dose of chemo, and so on. Not a great time, that.

Last night, we went with friends to a dinner concert - good food and a mostly vocal group who do some great complex harmonies, doing really old folksongs (like, 1700s) about the holidays and the turning of the year. The last song was about new years, and went into folks no longer with us...

... and I was overwhelmed with a realization that my little furball was probably going to be among those who didn't make it to the new year. I'm sitting there, in the dark, song flirting with minor key, talking about endings, and it was... a bit much. I know a grown man crying in public is not generally acceptable behavior, but I didn't (and usually don't) care that much about what other people think to spend the energy to stop myself. My wife noticed. The couple we were with probably noticed. Others, I dunno, and screw them if they had a problem with it.

We came home, and found... the cat's food intake had increased significantly. So, maybe she'll make it? My wife takes her in for her third round of chemo tomorrow. I think there'll be a conversation with the oncologist.

 

[Alzrius]

How things can sneak up on you....

When the cat gets chemo, the expected pattern is that she'll be pretty okay that day, her appetite will drop for a couple of days, and then bounce back. And that happened, after her first does of chemo.

Not so much her second. Her appetite dropped, her intake bottomed out. We think she may have lost about 10% of her body weight. Yesterday, we put her on an additional anti-nausea medicine, and started discussing how long we'd allow this to go on, whether we'd but her through a third dose of chemo, and so on. Not a great time, that.

Last night, we went with friends to a dinner concert - good food and a mostly vocal group who do some great complex harmonies, doing really old folksongs (like, 1700s) about the holidays and the turning of the year. The last song was about new years, and went into folks no longer with us...

... and I was overwhelmed with a realization that my little furball was probably going to be among those who didn't make it to the new year. I'm sitting there, in the dark, song flirting with minor key, talking about endings, and it was... a bit much. I know a grown man crying in public is not generally acceptable behavior, but I didn't (and usually don't) care that much about what other people think to spend the energy to stop myself. My wife noticed. The couple we were with probably noticed. Others, I dunno, and screw them if they had a problem with it.

We came home, and found... the cat's food intake had increased significantly. So, maybe she'll make it? My wife takes her in for her third round of chemo tomorrow. I think there'll be a conversation with the oncologist.

Fingers crossed that she recovers well and stays around, and healthy, for a long time to come.

 

[Meech17]

... and I was overwhelmed with a realization that my little furball was probably going to be among those who didn't make it to the new year. I'm sitting there, in the dark, song flirting with minor key, talking about endings, and it was... a bit much. I know a grown man crying in public is not generally acceptable behavior, but I didn't (and usually don't) care that much about what other people think to spend the energy to stop myself. My wife noticed. The couple we were with probably noticed. Others, I dunno, and screw them if they had a problem with it.

Sometimes, as men we feel the need to deny ourselves these emotions for the sake of some perceived stoicism, or masculinity or something..

But that's dumb. I feel like a real mark of masculinity is the ability to allow yourself to be human. To be able to embrace the love you have for your pets, and feel no shame for doing so, despite whether or not other men, or people in general find it acceptable, is something that takes a lot more strength than bottling it up and putting on a show to impress someone else who may or may not even be watching.

I'm glad your kitty is chowing away again. Hopefully it's giving her the strength she needs to get through these tough treatments.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

When your pet- or any loved one- is like this, every change like this takes on greater importance. Even a seemingly minor malaise gets magnified into the question, “Is this it?”

 

[Umbran]

Sometimes, as men we feel the need to deny ourselves these emotions for the sake of some perceived stoicism, or masculinity or something..

But that's dumb.

Agreed. Part of the writing here is to normalize exactly that. If you're going through something, you can have a moment, and that's okay.