Ceramic DM - Spring 2005 (Late Bloomer) - We have a winner.
Berandor
lunatic
[sblock]
Can you point me to some of the typos, beause these will be things I have no idea are typos.
Don't forget it's Sharon's mind Cassie walks through. So Cassie sees the mindscape barren and dying because the water didn't nourish anymore, the weather "went away", and so on. The only one with power over the mindscape is Sharon herself (Cassie has to accept the rules, as well). Then, Sharon's jumps almost kill Cassie (on the ladder). The "gelatinous cube" is no entity in itself, it is just a distorted reflection of Cassie, clearly not capable of keeping anyone away. Now, Sharon sends Cassie on a needless travel (since the cave leads back to the gym) that nearly kills her, and she equips Cassie with a weapon that is of no use against the cave-guardian.
Well, o.k, it's confusing, I admit it
Pics allowing, of course.
[/sblock]
And what is it with "what the helle"? Is that a shout-out to yourself?
And that's the way I want it, too
Can you point me to some of the typos, beause these will be things I have no idea are typos.Well, if I have to explain, I did it not good enough. The way I saw it:
Don't forget it's Sharon's mind Cassie walks through. So Cassie sees the mindscape barren and dying because the water didn't nourish anymore, the weather "went away", and so on. The only one with power over the mindscape is Sharon herself (Cassie has to accept the rules, as well). Then, Sharon's jumps almost kill Cassie (on the ladder). The "gelatinous cube" is no entity in itself, it is just a distorted reflection of Cassie, clearly not capable of keeping anyone away. Now, Sharon sends Cassie on a needless travel (since the cave leads back to the gym) that nearly kills her, and she equips Cassie with a weapon that is of no use against the cave-guardian.
Well, o.k, it's confusing, I admit it
That's because should I advance, I am pondering on having the next story be about Cassandra Morgan, as well.
Pics allowing, of course. That was just a sign for Cassie to taste the water. It's an explanation for why despite the big river, the plants are dying. There's no rain anymore, only tears.
That is a misunderstanding caused by translation, I guess. Cassie salutes, alright. But since she doesn't know how to salute, it looks like in the pic instead of "more real". So the "mock" is more an explanation for her curious gesture.
Thanks.
[/sblock]And what is it with "what the helle"? Is that a shout-out to yourself?
[sblock]'Her skin hung unto her like a dress' - should be 'hung on her,' not unto.
'It’s as long and we’ll get' - should be 'as long as we'll get', not and.
'declared her brain dead' - pretty sure this should be 'brain-dead' (the way it's currently written, they are declaring her brain to be dead, not her to be brain-dead. A small difference but there's English and technicalities for you).
'She embraced the strength of it, siphoned it off, shutting it away for later use just as she shut Timothy out of her mind again.' - This is using past simple and past progressive tenses together, which can be done but should generally only be used if one activity is in the process of happening when another event occurs. This should be all in past simple ('She embraced the strength of it, siphoned it off, and shut it away for later use just as she shut Timothy out of her mind again.') or, if it is an activity that spans time (including embracing, shutting, etc) then the past simple tenses should be grouped differently - with an and instead of a comma, as it appears as a comma-delimited list, which should be all in the same tense ('She embraced the strength of it and siphoned it off, shutting it away for later use just as she shut Timothy out of her mind again.'). This is a slight technicality, and I don't think I would count it as 'wrong' if I was correcting a student's paper, just 'poorly written.'
'After a prayer to Zephyr, the west wind, Cassie had invoked the soul-joining spell. It had worked, so Sharon’s soul had not yet departed.' - Should be using past simple tense instead of past perfect. Generally perfect tenses are used to emphasize that one activity is completed, which leads to or explains another activity. The first sentence should be 'After a prayer to Zephyr, the west wind, Cassie invoked the soul-joining spell.' because there isn't anything happening after she invokes to necessitate past perfect. The second sentence is ok, because it is suggesting that the conclusion (Sharon's soul being present) is based upon the conclusion of the activity (the spell working). I try to think of perfect tenses as refering to an activity being perfectly complete...that is, it is important that they are complete or finished, not just that they were begun/are happening. There generally has to be something that happens the completed activity that relies on the previous activity being complete. I will/shall have seen her before tomorrow. I had read the book many times before the exam. I have already eaten dinner.
'Cassie transported herself into Sharon’s mindscape. That was the good news.' - I would add something positive to this to emphasize it is good news. ('Cassie was able to transport herself into Sharon’s mindscape. That was the good news.') Or some such. A little more than a style issue, less than an error.
'When the spell had taken effect, Cassie had found herself in this darkness, unable to see her hand before her eyes.' - Back to the past perfect thing. Two past perfects should not be used together in the same sentence unless they are part of a compound thought that groups them together (I had eaten dinner and brushed my teeth before I went to bed). When can be used in conjunction with past perfect meaning immediately thereafter (When I had finished my story I was happy), or in conjuction with past progressive meaning during (When I was writing my story I was stressed). It cannot be used as during wth past perfect, because by definition a perfect tense is a perfect, completed action and anything else you write is happening after the fact. This sentence should be: 'When the spell had taken effect, Cassie found herself in this darkness, unable to see her hand before her eyes.' Also, 'this darkness', refers to a specific darkness in relation to proximity of speaker or another instance of the same thing (this darkness versus that darkness). It should be 'found herself in darkness' or, strange but correct, 'found herself in a darkness'. If you are using quotes, as in something someone actually said, you could use 'in this darkness.' I say things that way myself sometimes, but it is incorrect.
'A little feeling around, and Cassie knew' - Should be 'After a little feeling around, Cassie knew'. The way this is worded, the thoughts are even. The way you meant it, one action followed the other. Again, people speak this way, but it is not correct. It is largely a style issue, and I would not count it as wrong on a paper.
'The air was calm, and smelled faintly of acid. Lacking options, she’d started walking.' - See above note for second sentence. I included them together because you used a lot of commas. I do too, but I would suggest in the first sentence, because it flows well, to write 'The air was calm and smelled faintly of acid.' I understand using commas for pauses, and for seperating equal level ideas from each other, but leaving a comma out would break the monotany a bit. Again, not an error, just a style issue.
'Drift in the breeze, no matter where it blows, her mother always said.' - This may or may not be an error, depending on what you mean. It is a little ambiguous. If you mean her mother is dead or they no longer speak to each other, it might be better to use 'her mother had always said.' or 'her mother always used to say.' If she still speaks to her mother, and her mother still says this, it might be better to use 'her mother always says.' The way it's worded, in past simple tense, could mean that her mother does not say it anymore because she doesn't say anything to her (they don't speak) or she doesn't say anything to anybody (she's dead or mute) or she changed her mind (she says something else now). Definitely not an error, just a note on implied meaning. *Note* You clear this up some later when you mention she hasn't seen her mother in seven years.
'After a while, Cassie saw two figures in the distance, about as tall as a human.' - Should be 'about as tall as humans.' or 'both about as tall as a human.' Don't start with plural and switch to singular.
'I don’t want to, though, I think there was a reason why we were put here, and it’s not up to us to leave, even if the other flowers disagreed.' - Should be 'I don't want to, though.' or 'I don't want to, though;' or 'I don't want to though, because'.
'After a few steps, the sunflower began to shimmer in the air, and then disappeared as if it never existed.' - Should be 'as if it had never existed.'
'You know, she came to visit us. She danced among us, or just sat down and listened to us.' - This is direct quote (a sunflower talking) so it is not an error. Just so you know, in case you didn't, it is using incorrect English. The way it is worded, Sharon visited them once, and she either danced or sat down and listened, but not both. It should be 'You know, she used to come to visit us. She would dance among us, or just sit down and listen to us.' That is assuming you (and the sunflower) meant that she visited the garden more than once, and that sometimes she would dance and sometimes she would sit and listen.
'»Thank you,« she said, and turned what seemed to be west, following the sun.' - Again, frequently spoken this way but incorrect. Should be 'turned toward what seemed to be west'.
'The sun touched the horizon when Cassie finally came to a hill.' - Should be 'The sun had touched the horizon' or 'The sun was touching the horizon.'
'Cassie no longer doubted what caused them.' - Should be 'what was causing them' or 'what had been causing them'. The second form if she believed they were finished.
'If that happened when she was further up, she’d hurt herself. Maybe she died.' - Should be 'Maybe she'd die.' The way it is worded, she might already be dead.
'She’d heard of witches who died in a mindscape.' - Should be 'who'd died in a mindscape.'
'Luckily, her male body proved far stronger and fitter than her own would have been.' - Should be 'and more fit.' Fitter isn't a word.
'Cassie mumbled a spell and freed the desperation she’d siphoned off Timothy.' - Again, frequently spoken this way but incorrect. Should be 'off of Timothy.'
'she swung herself back on the ladder' - not technically incorrect, but ambiguous. On can mean from off the ladder to on the ladder, or moving from one place on the ladder to another place on the ladder. Might want to word it 'back onto the ladder,' which means more specifically from off the ladder to on the ladder.
'But Cassie climbed on.' - Also ambisuous, particularly since you were just talking about swinging on the ladder. Possibly use onward or upward or 'continued to climb' or 'kept climbing.' Certainly not an error, and a style I generally like. It's just a little ambiguous here.
'Still, it was almost as tall as Cassie, and too high to jump.' - Should be 'too high to jump over.' The way it is worded, it means the monster is too high for the monster to jump.
'The blade cut the blob like air, and now Cassie was looking at two separate mirror images.' - Should be 'and then' not 'and now.' Now is present tense, everything else s past tense.
'Now, her hair already started to smoke when she reached the top.' - Should be 'was already starting to smoke' or 'had already started to smoke.'
'»Mr. Hoffer«, the doctor said, having Cassie already forgotten,' - Should be 'already having forgotten Cassie' or preferably 'having already forgotten Cassie.' Unless you're Yoda.
A few technical typos, some grammatical issues, and some style issues for you to ponder. Yes, I realize my notes weren't themselves technically correct as I shortcut my own typing sometimes, and I hope that doesn't hurt you more than it helps. If you have any questions about any of this let me know. Re-reading this, I see more typos in my explanations than you made in your story ).[/sblock]
I started using Hellefire as a handle on BBSes in 1989, and have used it ever since. I have had to explain the extra 'e' many times, and due to it's use ended up spelling helle with the extra 'e' as well. Of course, it is an error, but one I use on purpose. I am not famous enough to warrant getting away with it, I imagine, but I'll continue to use it anyway as my own personal style.
Aaron
'It’s as long and we’ll get' - should be 'as long as we'll get', not and.
'declared her brain dead' - pretty sure this should be 'brain-dead' (the way it's currently written, they are declaring her brain to be dead, not her to be brain-dead. A small difference but there's English and technicalities for you).
'She embraced the strength of it, siphoned it off, shutting it away for later use just as she shut Timothy out of her mind again.' - This is using past simple and past progressive tenses together, which can be done but should generally only be used if one activity is in the process of happening when another event occurs. This should be all in past simple ('She embraced the strength of it, siphoned it off, and shut it away for later use just as she shut Timothy out of her mind again.') or, if it is an activity that spans time (including embracing, shutting, etc) then the past simple tenses should be grouped differently - with an and instead of a comma, as it appears as a comma-delimited list, which should be all in the same tense ('She embraced the strength of it and siphoned it off, shutting it away for later use just as she shut Timothy out of her mind again.'). This is a slight technicality, and I don't think I would count it as 'wrong' if I was correcting a student's paper, just 'poorly written.'
'After a prayer to Zephyr, the west wind, Cassie had invoked the soul-joining spell. It had worked, so Sharon’s soul had not yet departed.' - Should be using past simple tense instead of past perfect. Generally perfect tenses are used to emphasize that one activity is completed, which leads to or explains another activity. The first sentence should be 'After a prayer to Zephyr, the west wind, Cassie invoked the soul-joining spell.' because there isn't anything happening after she invokes to necessitate past perfect. The second sentence is ok, because it is suggesting that the conclusion (Sharon's soul being present) is based upon the conclusion of the activity (the spell working). I try to think of perfect tenses as refering to an activity being perfectly complete...that is, it is important that they are complete or finished, not just that they were begun/are happening. There generally has to be something that happens the completed activity that relies on the previous activity being complete. I will/shall have seen her before tomorrow. I had read the book many times before the exam. I have already eaten dinner.
'Cassie transported herself into Sharon’s mindscape. That was the good news.' - I would add something positive to this to emphasize it is good news. ('Cassie was able to transport herself into Sharon’s mindscape. That was the good news.') Or some such. A little more than a style issue, less than an error.
'When the spell had taken effect, Cassie had found herself in this darkness, unable to see her hand before her eyes.' - Back to the past perfect thing. Two past perfects should not be used together in the same sentence unless they are part of a compound thought that groups them together (I had eaten dinner and brushed my teeth before I went to bed). When can be used in conjunction with past perfect meaning immediately thereafter (When I had finished my story I was happy), or in conjuction with past progressive meaning during (When I was writing my story I was stressed). It cannot be used as during wth past perfect, because by definition a perfect tense is a perfect, completed action and anything else you write is happening after the fact. This sentence should be: 'When the spell had taken effect, Cassie found herself in this darkness, unable to see her hand before her eyes.' Also, 'this darkness', refers to a specific darkness in relation to proximity of speaker or another instance of the same thing (this darkness versus that darkness). It should be 'found herself in darkness' or, strange but correct, 'found herself in a darkness'. If you are using quotes, as in something someone actually said, you could use 'in this darkness.' I say things that way myself sometimes, but it is incorrect.
'A little feeling around, and Cassie knew' - Should be 'After a little feeling around, Cassie knew'. The way this is worded, the thoughts are even. The way you meant it, one action followed the other. Again, people speak this way, but it is not correct. It is largely a style issue, and I would not count it as wrong on a paper.
'The air was calm, and smelled faintly of acid. Lacking options, she’d started walking.' - See above note for second sentence. I included them together because you used a lot of commas. I do too, but I would suggest in the first sentence, because it flows well, to write 'The air was calm and smelled faintly of acid.' I understand using commas for pauses, and for seperating equal level ideas from each other, but leaving a comma out would break the monotany a bit. Again, not an error, just a style issue.
'Drift in the breeze, no matter where it blows, her mother always said.' - This may or may not be an error, depending on what you mean. It is a little ambiguous. If you mean her mother is dead or they no longer speak to each other, it might be better to use 'her mother had always said.' or 'her mother always used to say.' If she still speaks to her mother, and her mother still says this, it might be better to use 'her mother always says.' The way it's worded, in past simple tense, could mean that her mother does not say it anymore because she doesn't say anything to her (they don't speak) or she doesn't say anything to anybody (she's dead or mute) or she changed her mind (she says something else now). Definitely not an error, just a note on implied meaning. *Note* You clear this up some later when you mention she hasn't seen her mother in seven years.
'After a while, Cassie saw two figures in the distance, about as tall as a human.' - Should be 'about as tall as humans.' or 'both about as tall as a human.' Don't start with plural and switch to singular.
'I don’t want to, though, I think there was a reason why we were put here, and it’s not up to us to leave, even if the other flowers disagreed.' - Should be 'I don't want to, though.' or 'I don't want to, though;' or 'I don't want to though, because'.
'After a few steps, the sunflower began to shimmer in the air, and then disappeared as if it never existed.' - Should be 'as if it had never existed.'
'You know, she came to visit us. She danced among us, or just sat down and listened to us.' - This is direct quote (a sunflower talking) so it is not an error. Just so you know, in case you didn't, it is using incorrect English. The way it is worded, Sharon visited them once, and she either danced or sat down and listened, but not both. It should be 'You know, she used to come to visit us. She would dance among us, or just sit down and listen to us.' That is assuming you (and the sunflower) meant that she visited the garden more than once, and that sometimes she would dance and sometimes she would sit and listen.
'»Thank you,« she said, and turned what seemed to be west, following the sun.' - Again, frequently spoken this way but incorrect. Should be 'turned toward what seemed to be west'.
'The sun touched the horizon when Cassie finally came to a hill.' - Should be 'The sun had touched the horizon' or 'The sun was touching the horizon.'
'Cassie no longer doubted what caused them.' - Should be 'what was causing them' or 'what had been causing them'. The second form if she believed they were finished.
'If that happened when she was further up, she’d hurt herself. Maybe she died.' - Should be 'Maybe she'd die.' The way it is worded, she might already be dead
.'She’d heard of witches who died in a mindscape.' - Should be 'who'd died in a mindscape.'
'Luckily, her male body proved far stronger and fitter than her own would have been.' - Should be 'and more fit.' Fitter isn't a word.
'Cassie mumbled a spell and freed the desperation she’d siphoned off Timothy.' - Again, frequently spoken this way but incorrect. Should be 'off of Timothy.'
'she swung herself back on the ladder' - not technically incorrect, but ambiguous. On can mean from off the ladder to on the ladder, or moving from one place on the ladder to another place on the ladder. Might want to word it 'back onto the ladder,' which means more specifically from off the ladder to on the ladder.
'But Cassie climbed on.' - Also ambisuous, particularly since you were just talking about swinging on the ladder. Possibly use onward or upward or 'continued to climb' or 'kept climbing.' Certainly not an error, and a style I generally like. It's just a little ambiguous here.
'Still, it was almost as tall as Cassie, and too high to jump.' - Should be 'too high to jump over.' The way it is worded, it means the monster is too high for the monster to jump.
'The blade cut the blob like air, and now Cassie was looking at two separate mirror images.' - Should be 'and then' not 'and now.' Now is present tense, everything else s past tense.
'Now, her hair already started to smoke when she reached the top.' - Should be 'was already starting to smoke' or 'had already started to smoke.'
'»Mr. Hoffer«, the doctor said, having Cassie already forgotten,' - Should be 'already having forgotten Cassie' or preferably 'having already forgotten Cassie.' Unless you're Yoda
.A few technical typos, some grammatical issues, and some style issues for you to ponder. Yes, I realize my notes weren't themselves technically correct as I shortcut my own typing sometimes, and I hope that doesn't hurt you more than it helps. If you have any questions about any of this let me know. Re-reading this, I see more typos in my explanations than you made in your story ).[/sblock]
I started using Hellefire as a handle on BBSes in 1989, and have used it ever since. I have had to explain the extra 'e' many times, and due to it's use ended up spelling helle with the extra 'e' as well. Of course, it is an error, but one I use on purpose. I am not famous enough to warrant getting away with it, I imagine, but I'll continue to use it anyway as my own personal style
.Aaron
BSF
Explorer
Round 1, Match 3 4 pictures, 5000 words max, 72 hours from this mark.
yangnome vs RangerWickett vs Herreman the Wise
Happy Father's Day to those of us that are fathers. I am posting this before we go out to dinner. 72 hours to integrate these 4 pictures into your story.
yangnome vs RangerWickett vs Herreman the Wise
Happy Father's Day to those of us that are fathers. I am posting this before we go out to dinner. 72 hours to integrate these 4 pictures into your story.
Attachments
Herremann the Wise
First Post
Thanks BSF, excellent pictures once again - you're really getting the hang of this.
Best of luck to yangnome and RangerWickett. See you guys in 72 hours.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
Best of luck to yangnome and RangerWickett. See you guys in 72 hours.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
RangerWickett
Legend
Oy, this will be tough. I've got to work faster. Good luck to my competitors.
Hellefire said:Eeralai! Good to see you, and missing you in this cdm. I very much enjoyed reading your work last time. Thanks for the comments, and will reply to them after judgements are posted I think
Aaron
Thanks! I miss writing a lot, but it is fun to watch Ceramic DM from the sidelines. Even if we weren't moving, I had planned on sitting this one out because I would not want to put BSF in the position of choosing the best story or domestic happiness
I like reading everyone's commentary. It's like an online writing workshop, but probably better.
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