alsih2o
First Post
Round 1: Taladas vs. MarauderX
Piratecat-
Taladas’s Charon Calls
I thoroughly enjoyed some of the imagery in this story, but a number of
elements didn’t ring true for me.
The writing style of this piece really captured me, as the rhythm and
redundant phrasing give it the feel of a movie or a screenplay. I loved the
quiet humor that weaves through the story.
The style shifts during the piece, though, and that ends up diluting its
impact. This seems to me to be to be a really hard style to pull off, and
Taladas doesn’t quite nail it. There’s also a distracting lack of
punctuation (especially commas) throughout that really interfered with my
enjoyment.
Note that the second half of the tale has a “point of view” shift from Larry
to Linda that seems out of place, and a change from present to past tense.
Everything else in the story is from Larry’s point of view until Linda tries
to frame him.
Some of the motivations and character actions were erratic or unexplained.
Can Larry only travel between worlds when he’s unconscious? Asleep? In a
sinkhole? What we think is a hallucination turns out to be real, but Larry
doesn’t even stop to consider his captive the next morning. The act of
kidnapping the passenger seems out of character. Linda’s clumsy attempt to
frame Larry seems unnecessary. We never get any idea what makes the
monkey-thing tick, or why it wanted to come into our world, or why it ended
up killing Larry. I can’t believe that if it got worse, he’d go home and go
to bed while hoping to deal with it in the morning. Even the “Better Off
Dead” newsboy stealing Larry’s $20 seemed odd, yanking me out of the story
without adding anything.
Ultimately I think that this piece could be improved by adding more back
story of Larry’s “second job” – what it entails, what he does, why he does
it – and by seeing more of his “passenger.” You may have to cut back on the
stylistic choices to do this, but I think it would result in a stronger
story.
Photo use varies. The sinkhole launched the fun “dream” sequence, but is
ultimately a random event not tied into the rest of the plot. I liked the
use of the fare and tying him in to the fur hat, but the rest of this scene
was underutilized. . . instead of a fun scene chasing the thing around the
store, we switch to a “time passes.” Finally, I thought the girl with the
stuffed mouth was a throwaway picture, since we never learned why the
creature might act like that to her after she rescued him.
-- o --
MarauderX’s Jasper
I would not have guessed that anyone was writing a horror story with these
pictures!
It’s a good one, too. MarauderX makes good use of color, visual imagery and
body language. His conversation flows pretty well, too, although a few
things sound stilted. We’re carried along in the story long enough for the
pace to pick up and for things to get spooky. MarauderX managed to make
little orange disks scary, and I wouldn’t have thought that was possible. He
may have gotten greater visceral impact if he had made them insect egg pods
or something similar, but his description of the disks trying to clamber up
Marca’s skirt and blouse was very effective.
The tale loses momentum in a few places, though. For instance, I noticed the
pace slackening between the initial attack on Marca and her trip to the
airport. Sure, she was creeped out, but there was no continuing threat to
her, and that diluted the tension somewhat.
This story would have been better if it ended with David’s “death” in the
airport. Instead, we go from a nice and relatively taut horror piece to one
with talking monkeys in a top hat. I’ve got it admit, that inclusion seemed
strained to me. I really liked Jasper’s betrayal of Marca at the end, but
his very appearance strained suspension of disbelief. Foreshadowing may have
helped there. I think that if David’s fate was left a little more in doubt,
the second half of the story would have felt less tacked on.
Note that there was some awkward phrasing in the first paragraph, the last
line seemed a little awkward, and there was at least one word misuse
(“conscious” for “conscience.”) I also think the story could use some
trimming of verbiage, especially in the beginning. There’s too many words
for what the story is trying to accomplish.
Photo use was mixed. Excellent use of the stuffed mouth, good use of the
sinkhole, okay use of the fur hat and the monkey.
It’s never fun being first; good job, both of you! My judgment goes to
[sblock]MarauderX. His horror tale held together better than Taladas’s
humorous account of a store mage. Both stories had interesting ideas behind
them, but MarauderX did a better job of getting his ideas down on paper and
sustaining a mood.[/sblock]
Maldur-
Taladas vs. MarauderX
Sinkholes, gates to different worlds, weird little magical creatures.
My vote for MarauderX
Alsih2o-
Taladas-This story relies strongly on rhythms. Buzz, buzz, Larry, Larry, Larry. Ring, ring, click, buzz, buzz.
The pictures aren’t made to do anything but function as what they are, we see no real stretches. As a contrast to the picture use the story telling style stretches itself. The idea of a Charon, the constant rhythms.
I enjoyed the main characters predicament and our view into his world (blah blah). However, I think the repetition and the character were grafted on to the pictures rather than meeting them halfway.
Very interesting, I would like to see what you would have done with more than 72 hours, and that is a good sign.
MarauderX- Picture use is a little stronger for MarauderX, mostly because of how important he has made a few ‘Nilla Wafers. (except for David running his hand through his hair several times, only to be bald in a later picture, but this is minor)
MarauderX gives a strong sense of panic at a couple of points on the story and those drew me in. The part about David leaving specific instructions to a bad guy left me confused. Why would this supposed hero guide her directly to her doom?
Summation- Both of these stories had some serious strengths, but MarauderX took my vote from a more solid sense of where he was going.
JUDGEMENT- MarauderX wins 3-0, see you next round.
Piratecat-
Taladas’s Charon Calls
I thoroughly enjoyed some of the imagery in this story, but a number of
elements didn’t ring true for me.
The writing style of this piece really captured me, as the rhythm and
redundant phrasing give it the feel of a movie or a screenplay. I loved the
quiet humor that weaves through the story.
The style shifts during the piece, though, and that ends up diluting its
impact. This seems to me to be to be a really hard style to pull off, and
Taladas doesn’t quite nail it. There’s also a distracting lack of
punctuation (especially commas) throughout that really interfered with my
enjoyment.
Note that the second half of the tale has a “point of view” shift from Larry
to Linda that seems out of place, and a change from present to past tense.
Everything else in the story is from Larry’s point of view until Linda tries
to frame him.
Some of the motivations and character actions were erratic or unexplained.
Can Larry only travel between worlds when he’s unconscious? Asleep? In a
sinkhole? What we think is a hallucination turns out to be real, but Larry
doesn’t even stop to consider his captive the next morning. The act of
kidnapping the passenger seems out of character. Linda’s clumsy attempt to
frame Larry seems unnecessary. We never get any idea what makes the
monkey-thing tick, or why it wanted to come into our world, or why it ended
up killing Larry. I can’t believe that if it got worse, he’d go home and go
to bed while hoping to deal with it in the morning. Even the “Better Off
Dead” newsboy stealing Larry’s $20 seemed odd, yanking me out of the story
without adding anything.
Ultimately I think that this piece could be improved by adding more back
story of Larry’s “second job” – what it entails, what he does, why he does
it – and by seeing more of his “passenger.” You may have to cut back on the
stylistic choices to do this, but I think it would result in a stronger
story.
Photo use varies. The sinkhole launched the fun “dream” sequence, but is
ultimately a random event not tied into the rest of the plot. I liked the
use of the fare and tying him in to the fur hat, but the rest of this scene
was underutilized. . . instead of a fun scene chasing the thing around the
store, we switch to a “time passes.” Finally, I thought the girl with the
stuffed mouth was a throwaway picture, since we never learned why the
creature might act like that to her after she rescued him.
-- o --
MarauderX’s Jasper
I would not have guessed that anyone was writing a horror story with these
pictures!
It’s a good one, too. MarauderX makes good use of color, visual imagery and
body language. His conversation flows pretty well, too, although a few
things sound stilted. We’re carried along in the story long enough for the
pace to pick up and for things to get spooky. MarauderX managed to make
little orange disks scary, and I wouldn’t have thought that was possible. He
may have gotten greater visceral impact if he had made them insect egg pods
or something similar, but his description of the disks trying to clamber up
Marca’s skirt and blouse was very effective.
The tale loses momentum in a few places, though. For instance, I noticed the
pace slackening between the initial attack on Marca and her trip to the
airport. Sure, she was creeped out, but there was no continuing threat to
her, and that diluted the tension somewhat.
This story would have been better if it ended with David’s “death” in the
airport. Instead, we go from a nice and relatively taut horror piece to one
with talking monkeys in a top hat. I’ve got it admit, that inclusion seemed
strained to me. I really liked Jasper’s betrayal of Marca at the end, but
his very appearance strained suspension of disbelief. Foreshadowing may have
helped there. I think that if David’s fate was left a little more in doubt,
the second half of the story would have felt less tacked on.
Note that there was some awkward phrasing in the first paragraph, the last
line seemed a little awkward, and there was at least one word misuse
(“conscious” for “conscience.”) I also think the story could use some
trimming of verbiage, especially in the beginning. There’s too many words
for what the story is trying to accomplish.
Photo use was mixed. Excellent use of the stuffed mouth, good use of the
sinkhole, okay use of the fur hat and the monkey.
It’s never fun being first; good job, both of you! My judgment goes to
[sblock]MarauderX. His horror tale held together better than Taladas’s
humorous account of a store mage. Both stories had interesting ideas behind
them, but MarauderX did a better job of getting his ideas down on paper and
sustaining a mood.[/sblock]
Maldur-
Taladas vs. MarauderX
Sinkholes, gates to different worlds, weird little magical creatures.
My vote for MarauderX
Alsih2o-
Taladas-This story relies strongly on rhythms. Buzz, buzz, Larry, Larry, Larry. Ring, ring, click, buzz, buzz.
The pictures aren’t made to do anything but function as what they are, we see no real stretches. As a contrast to the picture use the story telling style stretches itself. The idea of a Charon, the constant rhythms.
I enjoyed the main characters predicament and our view into his world (blah blah). However, I think the repetition and the character were grafted on to the pictures rather than meeting them halfway.
Very interesting, I would like to see what you would have done with more than 72 hours, and that is a good sign.
MarauderX- Picture use is a little stronger for MarauderX, mostly because of how important he has made a few ‘Nilla Wafers. (except for David running his hand through his hair several times, only to be bald in a later picture, but this is minor)
MarauderX gives a strong sense of panic at a couple of points on the story and those drew me in. The part about David leaving specific instructions to a bad guy left me confused. Why would this supposed hero guide her directly to her doom?
Summation- Both of these stories had some serious strengths, but MarauderX took my vote from a more solid sense of where he was going.
JUDGEMENT- MarauderX wins 3-0, see you next round.
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