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Bard Performance: Rhyming Insults

TarionzCousin

Second Most Angelic Devil Ever
Tonight I begin playing in a Pathfinder Kingmaker campaign with a bard. His performance skill is Oratory, with the effect being rhyming insults.

In combat, he is going to insult monsters in order to activate his bardic performances.

Of course, some of his skills help his allies, so a good-natured zinger at them will be forthcoming as well.

What are some good D&D-style insults, either in general or by monster/race/class type? Keep them Grandma-friendly, of course.

The other PC's:
  • "Ogre Smakulots" Human Fighter/Rogue, Two Weapons. From the Rostland Plains of Brevoy.
  • "Roland" Half Elf Pistoleer/Paladin originally from Alkenstar, in the Mana Wastes.
  • Half-Ogre/Half-Dwarf Barbarian (Berserker)/Alchemist from the Goluskin Mountains in Brevoy.
  • Unknown: Dwarf? Crusader/Wilder? Druid/Psion? Something that blasts, maybe.
  • Gnome Ranger/Shapeshifter?
  • "Benton Burrows" Halfling Cleric/Wizard (Diviner/Scryer). Originally from Almas, in Andor.
 

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Yo, sup man. You can't be bitin rhymes man. You gotta roll wit da improv on the M-I-C.

Just lose yourself. :p

EDIT: OK I guess I coud give a sample.

When facing kobolds

Whassup dude why you try to hit me?
You're just a chump yeah I know that you are shifty.
You're a little scrub
Beggin for a crumb
You dare face us in battle
Your morale I will rattle
You say you hate this message that I'm singin?
Best step off before we wax you like a minion.
 
Last edited:

fba827

Adventurer
here is a link to an older thread that has some insults in general ...
http://www.enworld.org/forum/general-rpg-discussion/235609-need-help-insults.html

but you did want -rhyming- insults....
i'm drawing a blank at the moment short of stuff like "roses are red, violets are blue ....(insert an insult that ends in 'you' like i've never met an ogre as ugly as you)" .. as you can see, a poet i am not. :)

but i'll post more later if i think of something useful... just wanted to toss in that link to the older thread in case it had anything for you to mine.
 



Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator
Staff member
Be I drunk or be I sober, you're still as ugly as an ogre.

I heard your father say to brother 'tis shameful what you do to your mother.

After I leave here, I'll need strong drink to make me forget your powerful stink.

I pity any comely wench subjected to thy loathsome stench.

Your tongue, sir, is quite the wagger- come, let me fix that with my dagger.

You seem to be a manly fellow, but we know your true color's yellow.

Your reputation all over town? A man who fights in trousers of brown.

You impress all around with your strength, strut and abuse, but your last doxy said your "sword" was of no use.

By the Nine Hells, your mother smells!
 

Rune

Once A Fool
For a medusa: "You're momma's so ugly, folk turn to stone just in case they might happen to catch a glimpse of her face!"

For an orc: "You're momma's so dumb, when she gets in a jam, she uses her head like a battering ram!"

For a succubus: "You're momma's so skank, she's the reason the rank and file are so rank!"

For a troll: "You're momma's so fat, when it gets cut away, there's not more troll to love, there's just more troll to slay!"
 



Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator
Staff member
Thy visage is so ruined and ugly,
There's not enough gold to pay any to mug thee.

What is that stench so very foul
That emanates from 'neath thy cowl?
Hast thou eaten otyugh stew broth?
Didst thou dine on troglodyte loincloth?
 


Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator
Staff member
Ma'am, your visage makes me woozy
You look a cross twixt flumpfh and cooshee.

You impress me with your might
Like an ogre...but half as bright.

In brightest day or blackest night
No one should witness such a sight
Let all who quaver with mildest frights
View not thy visage, thy face of blight
 

Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator
Staff member
With squinty eyes and hair so thin
A wit war with me you think you'd win?
You look the child of cousins mated
Your wardrobe old, worn and dated
Your breath's enough to make one sick
Your wit so feeble, Orcs think you thick
Your visage is so warped and poxy
No fee can win you any doxy
But that's no loss to womankind
Your codpiece hides naught to find.
 

Thunderfoot

First Post
Buckets 'o blood I doth declare, is that a mop on your head or your scraggly hair?

Swords are sharp and clubs are blunt, your father's an ogre and your mother's a runt... (ha, betcha thought that one was goin South didncha?)

I met a young woman with hate on her mind, so I gave her drink and let her unwind. I asked why my dear are you so very blue, she said she just got through looking at you... Why again I asked, is that such a bother, because she replied he looks like his father. And? I did query her words pulling me closer, because it's a fact, his father's an ogre...

2 pence, 6 pence 8 pence, a dollar, your ugly face would make a saint holler.

Sing a song of six pence a pocket full of rye, you've chosen to do battle so now you're going to die. My armor's nice and shiny while yours is dingy brown, so I slice your outsides open and spill your innards on the ground.

Winner, Winner, *orc is what's for dinner! *(orc can of course be replaced with virtually anything)
 

Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator
Staff member
(Inspired by the above...)

Copper, Silver, Gold and Platinum,
You've jowls so big a breeze would flap 'em.

Platinum, Gold, Silver and Copper,
Your beer-belly's quite the flopper.

Sapphire, Diamond, Emerald, Ruby,
Your drunk's red nose is quite protrudy.

Ruby, Emerald, Diamond, Sapphire,
Wasn't your mom a date for hire?

Mandolin or Harpsichord
Your oratory leaves all bored.

Harpsichord or Mandolin
Your ancestors all married kin.
 

TarionzCousin

Second Most Angelic Devil Ever
With squinty eyes and hair so thin
A wit war with me you think you'd win?
You look the child of cousins mated
Your wardrobe old, worn and dated
Your breath's enough to make one sick
Your wit so feeble, Orcs think you thick
Your visage is so warped and poxy
No fee can win you any doxy
But that's no loss to womankind
Your codpiece hides naught to find.
Nice. This would fit in well in most of Shakespeare's comedies.
 

Gulla

Adventurer
I'm late to the party, I see :( Still need some more?

I see thee and ask myself
does this orc look just like an elf?
A blushing face, a smile so meek
its chest so slim and arms so weak
with pansy weapon held up high
and knowing well its gonna die

Usable both against orcs and elfs, of course ;)

A brawny man before me stand
a puny weapon in his hand
with brains and power like a lizzard
Excuse me, _that's_ a mighty wizard?

What is the sound I hear so well
as subtle as an ogre's yell?
Who sneaks away there by the side?
Oh it's a rogue who tries to hide!

Behind the armor made of plate
a man who never had a date
a weakling stinking ancient yeast
is that supposed to be a priest?

Why are we facing this new threat?
we're heroes, we will challenge death!
But when I look down on this hobbit
I'd be more scare by mama's rabbit.
 

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